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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIU to wonder how they are affording this baby?

127 replies

GlitteringJasper · 18/05/2015 12:11

I probably am,it's not really my business but anyway...

Dh's niece has just announced pregnancy.

She's 19 and lives with her mother. We didn't even know she had a boyfriend! She's been with the father since November.

Baby is due in July and there was an excited announcement over weekend.

Now the last time we saw niece she didn't have a job. She does now, part time work.

Anyway, was IU to wonder how they are affording a baby?

Seriously I'm mid 30's and can just about scrape by with my 2 buts it hard going.

Niece didn't do GCSE's, I don't think she even went to sit the exams. She hasn't stuck at a job long term before.

AIBU to wonder;
How they can afford this baby?
What the big rush to have one is?

Obviously in front of the family I will have no opinion, it's not my business. Privately I am judging.

Is this wrong of me?

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 18/05/2015 12:46

Droflove seriously? Many many children that were planned when on stable relationship have seperated parents. Just read the single parents/relationships boards on here.

Life doesn't always pan out the way you want to.

Bair · 18/05/2015 12:47

I had a baby at 19, not in an 8 month time frame mind, but let's play pretend.

I had more money then than I do now as a 30 something. If she's living with Mum her living costs will be low, her partner can contribute and she's working. She's probably more solvent than most of my peers.

googoodolly · 18/05/2015 12:47

Well, she's pregnant now so what good is judging her going to do? She's probably terrified - she's young, in a new relationship and pregnant with no real money or savings to her name. That's hardly an ideal starting point for her either, so the best thing you can do is be NICE to her - she's your family, not come online and slag her off.

Also, there's never really the perfect time to have a baby. Relationships break up all the time, people lose their stable jobs or become ill or injured and end up out of work/homeless/reliant on benefits - that doesn't mean they can't do their best and make things work regardless.

Tonberry · 18/05/2015 12:48

November to July is nine months. A due date of 31st July means baby was conceived on or around 7th November.

Droflove · 18/05/2015 12:49

Sorry, not gloating. Just pointing out that there is a lot of suffering that goes with being careless about starting a family and I don't think you can argue that getting pregnant the first month you are with someone and are 19 with no job (at that time) was careful. I do understand that carefully planned families fall apart too and it's a tragedy. I have great sympathy for families who go through that hell. What I'm saying is that my instinct is to feel envy of these young girls who get to go ahead and have precious children so much sooner than I did but I as I get older I realise that I wouldn't trade what they often have to deal with after for me having to wait years to find a good partner, set up a stable and comfortable home and be emotionally stable myself as a mother.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 18/05/2015 12:50

YANBU to wonder about all sorts of things OP, least of all why this baby is apparently only going to gestate for 8 months..

Tonberry · 18/05/2015 12:51

Do you know she was being careless? Contraception has a failure rate, even the injection which has no room for user error can fail.

peggyundercrackers · 18/05/2015 12:51

addstudentdinners2 Yes, that's what all 19-year-olds do hmm

is it what all 19yr olds do? what do you think she will do if she only works part time? where do you think the money will come from?

BluebeardsSidekick Who's to say that she won't return to work, maybe full time, after she's had the baby?

she doesn't work full time now so I very much doubt she will work full time after she has the child - do you think she will just magic a job up?

Do you or have you ever received child benefit? If so thank the rest of us tax payers for picking up your tab.

nope I haven't received a penny of CB - we aren't entitled to it - so no I don't need to thank anyone for anything tyvm.

I didn't judge her at all - all I said was the taxpayer will pick up the tab - unfortunately that's the truth of the matter but as usual on here no one wants to know the truth...

BikeRunSki · 18/05/2015 12:52

Getting pregnant is free, and that's all she's done so far. She may not have thought the next 16 years or so through, but that doesn't stop her being excited about being pregnant.

LAGWAFIS · 18/05/2015 12:52

my sister had a baby very young. we all rolled our eyes and tutted. 15 years later she is the highest qualified of us all, with multiple degrees etc. she out earns me and my other sisters who went to uni (and incurred debts) and slogged away at unfulfilling careers and two of whom then struggled to conceive in their mid / late thirties

there are many paths through life. hers may work out very well for her

Tonberry · 18/05/2015 12:53

It's not eight months. 7th November to 31st July is nine months. 1st November to 24th July is nine months. Perfectly possible to get pregnant in November and be due in July. And "together from November" doesn't mean they weren't sleeping with each other prior to then. I started sleeping with DH two months before we decided to try a proper relationship.

curlyweasel · 18/05/2015 12:53

The system might be everyone's business but not the individuals in it.

Quite.

Op, YABMU and hugely judgemental.

Dr You sound like a proper sweetie-pie.

Tonberry · 18/05/2015 12:55

all I said was the taxpayer will pick up the tab - unfortunately that's the truth of the matter

If she's living at home then her mother will be picking up most of the tab.

Crowquill · 18/05/2015 12:56

The act of conception to EDD is approx 38 weeks.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 18/05/2015 12:56

Timeframe is perfectly plausible. DD1 was due on 31st July. We dtd on 8th November and unless you can get pregnant from blow jobs, that's the only possibility. If they genuinely did start the relationship then, they may not have known each other very well beforehand. Which would concern me, if I'm honest. Different if they were best mates for 5 years beforehand of course, but I think being worried about a family member having a child with someone they don't know well is legitimate.

Financially she might well be ok, especially if she's living with her mum. If she has part time work, that's actually the most desired option for mothers of young children, so that's good. It's more than a lot of 19 year olds have now: any teenager with a job isn't doing too badly.

You don't give any information about her mother's or partner's finances, so I'm reluctant to presume the baby will be funded via benefits. But if that's what she's going to do, there's your answer for why do it now. There are likely to be significant cuts ahead. The description you give of the niece OP doesn't suggest she is likely to be a high earner in the future, notwithstanding your Richard Bransons who leave school with zero qualifications and make millions. So if she's always likely to need significant state help to raise a child, the sooner the better.

alteredimages · 18/05/2015 12:56

I don't think you can extrapolate from your own experiences OP. Just because you wouldn't have been an emotionally stable mother at 19 doesn't mean your niece won't make a great mum.

I also think the paternity comment is v unfair. I was married 1st November, 1st DC's due date was 27th July, she was born 4th august. If anyone had asked me about paternity I would have smacked them. Remember the due date is calculated from LMP not date of conception.

Definitely not anyone's business but you niece's OP.

Crowquill · 18/05/2015 12:57

You still sound bitter, judgemental, prone to gross generalization and singularly unpleasant Dr, despite the rowback attempt.

Original poster
GlitteringJasper · 18/05/2015 12:59

Thanks for the comments here.

She is an adult and her choices are her choices, none of my business.

Thanks to people who have pointed out how young mum doesn't automatically equal bad mum.

I will be sorting my attitude out. Actually who am I to say whether she has enough money to start a family?

I guess we were shocked when we heard. It's an expensive city without a baby!

Reading the replies here has made me disappointed in myself Sad

Have two dd's myself and I'll support them thought thick and thin.

Thanks for perspective

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 13:02

If she has no qualifications now she is unlikely to be any better off in her 30s anyway so why wait until then when 19 is a better biological age to have a baby than 30s?

Artandco · 18/05/2015 13:02

Babies don't cost a lot? Erm yes they do

Essentials

  • home ( about £1500 per month here for small flat)
  • loss of pay during maternity ( £650 less per week here)
  • childcare when you do work (£1200 for full time nursery here)
  • food

That's without actually anything physical for baby/ child. Even if I dressed mine in only toilet roll they have still cost a fortune on basic essentials like a roof/ heating/ food/ childcare/ less hrs worked/ etc

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 18/05/2015 13:03

Different if they were best mates for 5 years beforehand of course, but I think being worried about a family member having a child with someone they don't know well is legitimate

Completely agree with this, and this would be my biggest concern if my DN who is the same age as the OP's was to suddenly announce a pregnancy.

altered there is a huge difference between a situation where a baby is born dead on 9 months after its parents are married (who cares whether they are married anyway?), and a baby born dead on 9 months after its parents first began a relationship. Can you really not see that?

ouryve · 18/05/2015 13:04

You're right. You are BU and is is none of your business.

OnlyLovers · 18/05/2015 13:04

Yeah, sorry, Dr, you're still not convincing me that you're not a bit of a tube, to put it mildly.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 18/05/2015 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crowquill · 18/05/2015 13:05

That's a lovely, level-headed follow-up OP Smile