WIU to wonder how they are affording this baby?

[GlitteringJasper]

I probably am,it's not really my business but anyway...

Dh's niece has just announced pregnancy.

She's 19 and lives with her mother. We didn't even know she had a boyfriend! She's been with the father since November.

Baby is due in July and there was an excited announcement over weekend.

Now the last time we saw niece she didn't have a job. She does now, part time work.

Anyway, was IU to wonder how they are affording a baby?

Seriously I'm mid 30's and can just about scrape by with my 2 buts it hard going.

Niece didn't do GCSE's, I don't think she even went to sit the exams. She hasn't stuck at a job long term before.

AIBU to wonder;
How they can afford this baby?
What the big rush to have one is?

Obviously in front of the family I will have no opinion, it's not my business. Privately I am judging.

Is this wrong of me?

[formerbabe]

My own 19 year old will be doing the work herself. There's no question of me doing it, none at all. She'll be returning to work at the end of ML and using paid childcare while there and a paid babysitter if she wants to go out at night

Based on those I know, you will be the exception rather than the rule. I'm sure your daughter will cope just fine as you said...I would have coped if I had become a mother at 19....however, there's so much I want my dd to do and experience in life that becoming a mother in her teens would put a stop to. People manage and can be good parents when they are young of course but let's not pretend its an ideal situation.

[Droflove]

I guess I have been very narrow minded. I do know a few single mums who have done an excellent job and raised great kids. Just in an ideal world each child would be wanted and prepared for. The 19 yr old in question obviously does want the baby or she wouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy and can hopefully plan well from now. 19 was too young for me.

[olgaga]

I thoughtlessly and involuntarily gasped in horror at a relative's announcement .

It's understandable to think the way you do, and not want that for yourself or a DC of your own. But don't give voice to it. People don't want to hear it, and won't forgive you for it!

[BluebeardsSidekick]

formerbabe, I think you might have overlooked some of the words in my post. Perhaps you overlooked them when you addressed me and my own DD's situation with your words "People manage and can be good parents when they are young of course but let's not pretend its an ideal situation."

If you look again you'll see that I'd said this -

"I don't think her pregnancy is desirable or the smart thing to do but I know she'll cope just fine."

[formerbabe]

Sorry BluebeardsSidekick I did actually miss that part of your post

[BluebeardsSidekick]

formerbabe. You've no idea how un-ideal I think it is! But, what's done is done and as long as DD is under no illusion that the raising of her child is her responsibility and not mine I think (hope!) that we'll all make it in one piece.

[midnightvelvet01]

If I had to even once hand my child over to a man I didn't love and trust for the weekend it would break a part of me

You sanctimonius arse! Thousands of lone parents do that every month, me included. I was 34 when I had DS1, I was married with my own home & DH who earned £100k pa+ with £££ of P11D benefits & I was working full time. I left him because amongst other things he became addicted to cocaine & was an alchoholic. He's clean now but for me its too little too late & I neither love nor trust him but we have a child access agreement & actually its rather nice to be able to have a child free weekend with DP & do stuff that we missed out on because I was a lone parent when we met.

It doesn't break you, because you have to be flexible & if like thousands of other parents your oh so perfect relationship doesn't last through no fault of your own perhaps you will see what twaddle that sentence is.

[Crowquill]

I do know a few single mums who have done an excellent job and raised great kids.

Yet another conflation.

Young mum does not equal single mum (or inferior mum or emotionally unstable, or doomed to tragic doorstep scenes, or "young girls", or any of the other tripe you have treated us to).

How many stereotypes can one head hold?

[TheFairyCaravan]

My niece had her child a month after her 19th birthday. The "father"fucked off as soon as she found out she was pregnant and has never paid a penny. . As a family we all rallied round and helped her out with bits and bobs.

The DC is 4 now and will be going to school in September. DN lived with my sister for the first 3 years but now has a HA house. She went back to work after her maternity leave and the DC went to a CM. She did everything for the baby, she often did all the housework, took her siblings to school and cooked the family meals when my DSis and BIL were at work. She has done college courses since she has been a mum and is going to apply to uni to start in Sep 2016.

Just because you are a teen mum doesn't mean your life ends.

[Teacuptravells]

Lots of mothers in our area are 19/20/21 with their first. I had mine at 30 and am pracitcally ancient...

Area does squew your perspective.

[Stinkylinky]

She either fell pregnant very quickly or her boyfriend wants to be questioning the paternity. I'm due in July and conceived in October.

[Tonberry]

Stinky, it has already been established that it is possible to conceive in November and be due in July.

I repeat my earlier point, sly implications about paternity say more about the person saying them than they do about the intended target.

[LadyCatherineDeTurd]

That must be early or mid July then stinky? Several of us have explained in this thread that we were due in late July and conceived in the first few days of November. I think I was the latest at 8th July DTD and 31st July due date?

[Crowquill]

Her last period could have been October. We only know when they 'got together'.

I'm starting to feel besmirched by this speculation over a young woman's private life, though, so, on that note, I will leave now.

[LadyCatherineDeTurd]

Most probably was October, crowquill. My cycle before conceiving DD1 started on 24th October. In fact, I think if you're due in July, your last period would need to have started in either October or, if early July, late September.

Anyway, the point is that it's clearly possible to conceive in November and have a due date in July. The people who are suggesting otherwise are simply showing themselves to be ignorant of basic biology. If OP had said the due date was 5th July and they never met before 28th November then yeah, by all means question the paternity then. Otherwise, be quiet.

[LadyCatherineDeTurd]

Also just realised that should have said 8th November DTD, not 8th July. With a due date of 31st July, that would be suspect...

[Notso]

Interestingly enough formerbabe my experience is the exact opposite. Almost all my friends who have had DC in later years have retired parents who do all childcare and help out financially. Most of the younger parents I know had parents who were working full time and supporting younger children so not really in much of a position to help out as much.

[Stinkylinky]

tonberry I understand that it is possible given the dates, but if I was that young lad and it happened so early on in a relationship, I would be questioning it. Not to be nasty or imply anything about the mother, just for my own peace of mind.

I didn't mean to come across rude, so apologies if I did

[DoraGora]

Anyone can afford a baby; they're free. It's the stuff that comes after it that isn't. Maybe the grandparents are going to foot the bills. It sounds as if they are doing that already.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I was a young teen mum my eldest is an adult now. Myself and the father have never claimed benefits have always been hrt payers and i never dumped her on my mum.
Oh and she's about to become a parent herself and will also not do either of those things and both of them are also HRT payers.

The op's niece has a partner she's not single and she works.
Perhaps for her home ownership is not important and she's happy to live with mum plenty of cultures live like that as standard and it's becoming not unusual here

[Babyroobs]

If she's living with her mum she is probably paying minimal rent. If she is not living with the dad she will most likeley get lone parent benefits, tax credits, working tax credits etc once the baby is born, possible £500 sure start grant if on a low income.

[Charlotte3333]

My older sister got accidentally pregnant at 16. Married at 18, divorced with a second child at 20, she was our family's black sheep for such a long time.

20 years later she's nothing but spectacular; she worked every day of their childhood, put herself through Uni, owns her own business and has raised two wonderful young girls singlehandedly, both are reading law at different Uni's (and fiercely clever to boot). There are no sweeping generalisations to be made here, because sometimes people aren't the cliche you imagine, Dr.

OP your update is lovely. Really lovely.

[imwithspud]

YABU, what's done is done. Yes in a perfect world everyone would plan their lives down to the letter and only start a family when everything is perfect but it's far from a perfect world and sometimes these things happen. In fact shit happens even when you do try and plan things to the letter, that's life.

Who's to say the father isn't working full time and that they aren't currently saving to move out into their own place? And even if not so what? Living at home with a child isn't the end of the world providing that's what works for that particular family.

OP it's great to see that you've taken the replies on board and have managed to change your perspective. Takes real character to admit that your original judgement might have been wrong.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

glitter really nice update. Don't beat yourself up for judging (or having an opinion). You kept your opinion to yourself so you haven't upset your family or your niece in any way.
I think I would have been the same in your position. Privately wondering how she was going to manage but keeping it to myself.
Having a baby is a big deal. When anyone announces their first pregnancy I normally find myself wondering how it will change their life.

[MsDragons]

I was a young mum the same way this niece is. Even worse, I didn't even stay with the father once we discovered I was pregnant . So I was alone and pregnant at 19, with no job, no boyfriend and not many prospects. You'd never know now, I've got a decent job (teacher), I'm getting married, I own my own home (the bank owns it really, for many years to come), I have another child.

I am now the sort of person that is expected to smile and nod along with the "quiet" judgements made about young mothers without jobs. Until I point out that those judgements mean I should never have had dd1, and dd1 is one of the nicest teenagers I've ever had the pleasure to meet (I've met a lot of teenagers in 10 years of teaching). Despite being young, I've done a really good job so far, although obviously I had help from my parents in the early days (so did my sister who was mid 20s with a husband and a job when she had her children)