WIU to wonder how they are affording this baby?

[GlitteringJasper]

I probably am,it's not really my business but anyway...

Dh's niece has just announced pregnancy.

She's 19 and lives with her mother. We didn't even know she had a boyfriend! She's been with the father since November.

Baby is due in July and there was an excited announcement over weekend.

Now the last time we saw niece she didn't have a job. She does now, part time work.

Anyway, was IU to wonder how they are affording a baby?

Seriously I'm mid 30's and can just about scrape by with my 2 buts it hard going.

Niece didn't do GCSE's, I don't think she even went to sit the exams. She hasn't stuck at a job long term before.

AIBU to wonder;
How they can afford this baby?
What the big rush to have one is?

Obviously in front of the family I will have no opinion, it's not my business. Privately I am judging.

Is this wrong of me?

[BertPuttocks]

YABU.

You don't seem to have much involvement in your dh's niece's life but still think you have a right to judge her.

[formerbabe]

I don't think young mums are necessarily bad mums, but I believe if you would be a good mum at 19, you'd be an even better mum at 30. I don't think young parenthood is desirable. It's not the best set up to be living with your parents, having to claim benefits and not having a full time job or career...no matter how PC it is to say its fine, it isn't.

Any young teen mums I have ever met or known have actually had as pretty easy time of it thanks to their mums doing most of the work...not saying this is always the case, just what I've observed.

[BertPuttocks]

Cross-posted with your update.

Well done, OP.

[holidaysarenice]

I give it six months of livin with mum until she moves to a hb funded place and the boyfriend 'moves' in.

Cynical...me? Never!

[DownWithThisTypeOfThing]

@ OP. Nice follow up.

My parents were teenage parents. It was tight financially. But we knew we were loved and had a safe home.

[museumum]

Very please to see your update OP :)

[ghostspirit]

pregnancy is counted from first day of last period. for example she could have slept with him soon after getting into the relationship. ie 2 weeks after first day of period. so when next period is due she would be 4 weeks pregnant even though she may have slept with him only 2 weeks before...which might be why it seems tight with dates. but it does not mean the bf is not the father....or maybe she did not announce the relationship.

and as long as she is a good mum baby is ok thats all that matters.

[OnlyLovers]

Good update, OP.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Even before your update I didn't think you were being judgemental. This is a chatboard, a gossip-over-the-fence thing. Why do some posters have to be so nasty and aggressive? Get over yourselves and stop being so defensive, it's not about you and whatever your circumstances are. To the poster who suggested that OP might recommend an abortion when she said nothing of the sort - you are disgusting.

Back to the OP... I can understand your shock, it probably wasn't on the plan but your niece's excitement is a positive thing really, the baby's on the way. Make the right comments and ask her what she would like for the baby as a present.

I'm not sure what relation the baby is to you? I've never been good at working that out... grand-aunt? Somebody will know.

Chat away here and ignore the obnoxious.

[Droflove]

I'm not trying to convince anyone here of anything. Just giving and explaining an opinion. If she was my sister I'd be fighting hard to say she would be a great mum, would be supported by our family and the baby would have every opportunity in life but I don't know this girl and possibly she will do a great job but I don't think anyone can argue that she wouldn't do a much better job in a good, more stable relationship, with her own life built around the child and some life experience to share with it. But really, it's her life to live. I was only joining in a discussion on a forum.

[OnlyLovers]

Me to, Dr.

And my opinion of you on this forum, on this subject, is still that you're coming across as pretty unpleasant.

[Crowquill]

I don't think anyone can argue that she wouldn't do a much better job in a good, more stable relationship, with her own life built around the child and some life experience to share with it.



I know some fabulous, warm, empathetic, well-balanced younger mums, any of whom I'd trust with my DC.

I wouldn't thrust my child into your arms in an emergency.

[LadyCatherineDeTurd]

Based on what OP has said ArtandCo, a lot of the expenses you list may not apply. If DN lives with her mum, she's unlikely to be paying £1500 monthly rent. Part time workers often don't have much less money coming in when on SMP than they do when working, particularly when commuting expenses are factored in. I speak from experience. If DN is working part time and has close family around her, she may not need to pay for childcare at all. I didn't. And if she's low paid and therefore eligible for tax credits, which it sounds like she might be, the 'opportunity cost' of working fewer hours is minimal.

I'm not saying babies are never expensive. But they often aren't.

[BluebeardsSidekick]

GlitteringJasper :)

Dr, I still think you're being a bit of a tube too. "she doesn't work full time now so I very much doubt she will work full time after she has the child - do you think she will just magic a job up?"

Why don't you think she'll work FT after the baby's been born? There will be more incentive to than ever. Or is it that you have a dismissive stereotypical opinion of lone teenage mothers? You may doubt it but there's no suggestion in the OP that you're going to be right.

Do I think "she will just magic a job up"? No, I think she may return to her existing one, she may increase her hours there or, get this, I think she may obtain a different job through the usual channels - recruitment agency, newspaper ads, job centre, word of mouth, poster in shop windows, approaching employers and asking if they have vacancies etc - like most people do.

I don't think that wands and spells will be necessary.

[breadstixandhommus]

OP I'm so glad you pulled your pants out of your arse

I don't think it matters what age, how financially stable you are etc before a baby it can all go wrong at any time. I was 29 and ds was well planned, good maternity package and we still ended up going bankrupt when ds was 18 months old. We have thankfully dragged ourselves back from the bottom and can look forward but it's been so hard. And that was well planned!!!!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Yes, what's that saying, breadstix? Something like "Men (and women) plan - and God laughs".

Glad to hear that things are on the up for you again.

[BluebeardsSidekick]

"Any young teen mums I have ever met or known have actually had as pretty easy time of it thanks to their mums doing most of the work...not saying this is always the case, just what I've observed."

formerbabe, 19 isn't a young teen mother. I don't quite get that comment.

My own 19 year old will be doing the work herself. There's no question of me doing it, none at all. She'll be returning to work at the end of ML and using paid childcare while there and a paid babysitter if she wants to go out at night. I don't think her pregnancy is desirable or the smart thing to do but I know she'll cope just fine.

[SakuraSakura]

Op I think you second post was so lovely. Hope you can all be positive& look forward to the new baby.

Droflove your posts are very narrow-minded, and sound a little resentful. Everyone's situation is different, and income is only one part of life. There are plenty young mums living happy, fulfilled, successful lives, with careers, hobbies, romance, the same as wealthy women 10-20 years their senior. Their children are happy, they thrive. There is never a regret. I know a few myself. And there are even some benefits to being a young mum too! Live and let live. There's a big world out there, with plenty choices, not everyone has to follow the same path. Sometimes deviation from that conventional path can bring the greatest success

[Focusfocus]

You are not judging privately.

You are judging extremely publicly - on an archived public forum that anyone in the world can see.

Just because you are doing it behind the screen of online anonymity doesn't make it private.

And YABU.

[Tonberry]

Also depends where in the country you live. A privately rented one bed flat here is only £250-£350 a month and the biggest HA in the area is increasing their housing stock so social housing isn't so much of an issue either. Childminder here is £3 to £4 an hour, nursery works out as around £4.50 and up per hour. Monthly bus pass is £80.

[Naty1]

I dont doubt he is the father but it is a tight time frame. Say got together 1st nov pg by 7th.
Now contraceptive failure exists but only say 3% so 3/100 people pg in a yr with condoms. 0.25 people a month so very unluckly.
Also it doesnt tie up for me the timeline that this pg has just been announced. As DN would be like 28w pg. (though again not impossible)

[Tonberry]

So what are you implying?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Focus... Publicly? On a chatboard? Have you updated MNHQ so that they can put a stop to this?

NOTHING is private but this is fairly anonymous if you don't give real details. Why are you picking on the OP, even after her update, when you're doing some judging yourself?

[Tonberry]

I have a family member who was with her DH for a week when she got pregnant. She was on depo and she was only 20. It was a huge shock to them both. I think I'd have punched anyone who dared to question the paternity of the baby, it's a horrible thing to imply without absolute proof and - frankly - says more about the person making the sly comments than it does about the woman on the receiving end of them.

[Ohbollocksandballs]

OP your update is lovely. Congratulations on becoming a soon to be Great Aunt.

dr you sound delightful.