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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to spend hundreds on a stag do?

28 replies

m0therofdragons · 18/05/2015 10:53

Dbil is getting married. He was dh's best man but did nothing to organise stag etc and turned up on the day and did a speech. All good. Now dh is best man he is expected to plan 2 stags. One for 5 of them and one for 15 as dbil wants a big one and an intimate one.
We live 4 hours away so dh suggested smaller one on a Friday night and bigger one the following day. This means dh only has to travel back once so will save petrol but also means only one weekend away from me and our young dc.
others have got together as they all live near each other and planned the two events that they want dh to organise. It all sounds really fun but now is over 2 weekends and we're looking at it costing at least £400 and probably more. We have the money but not hugely wealthy and dh doesn't want to spend that kind of money.
I'm guessing this is probably standard? Dh went bowling and I had a nice meal and did a murder mystery game. All very cheap as friends were young and had no money. I probably am bu but I feel bad for dh. He wants to support his brother but says he'd rather spend the money and time on us going somewhere. I think we'll have to suck it up. I wouldn't mind if I thought dh would enjoy it.

OP posts:

namechange0dq8 · 18/05/2015 11:03

dh doesn't want to spend that kind of money.

So don't spend it, then.

Easy.

he'd rather spend the money and time on us going somewhere.

Yep, that sounds sensible. Thread over.

Heels99 · 18/05/2015 11:05

If they are not on the same weekend he should just go to the bigger one. The intimate one for 5,they can organise themselves

RagstheInvincible · 18/05/2015 11:08

Your DH should tell the groom that, as a married man, he can't afford both and will have to drop out of one. If nothing else, it'll show the groom what he's getting in to.

Original poster

m0therofdragons · 18/05/2015 11:14

Dh is supposed to be planning the events (to meet dbil's requests) and expected to go to both. not going sounds simple but there will be a fall out from that. We are a close family and dbil is lovely but my goodness is he becoming a bit of a groomzilla. I think the main issue may be most of his friends are childless where as we have 3.

OP posts:

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 18/05/2015 11:18

well if they will fall out over your refusing to spend money on his demand, go for it, good ridence to bad relatives

Original poster

m0therofdragons · 18/05/2015 11:20

I just wanted to check - we got married 11 years ago - big stags seem to be the thing now days.
How much would you expect to spend on a stag do? the more I hear about the plans the more I think it would be cheaper for them to go abroad for a weekend.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 18/05/2015 11:20

He wants two stags. A big one and an "intimate" one... Wtf happened to a few pints and a curry the night before the wedding? Tell him no.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2015 11:21

" He was dh's best man but did nothing to organise stag etc and turned up on the day and did a speech."

Why did your DH not point this out to DBIL when he requested DH plan/attend these events? Groomzilla or not, your DH can speak, can't he?

Regardless, surely your DH can just point out that as a husband and father the demands on his time/wallet are different to those BIL and his single friends have, and two expensive weekends just don't/won't work for him?

Do not just 'suck it up'. There's no need.

Original poster

m0therofdragons · 18/05/2015 11:23

Flogging - that's what is hens are doing! Nice and simple.

OP posts:

newbieman1978 · 18/05/2015 11:36

I sat down with my best man and close friends to sort out what we all wanted do do and could afford. We went to a well know European city for 2 nights and had a very good time.

I wouldn't have done anything which my close pals and especially my best man couldn't afford although I'd have probably helped my best man if he was struggling.

I have to admit I did have a second stag do with my wider bunch of pals that either couldn't make the away trip or weren't close enough mates to be invited!

End of the day though you do what you can afford.

AlternativeTentacles · 18/05/2015 11:36

Don't tell us love - tell your husband's brother what you have told us.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2015 11:38

" He was dh's best man but did nothing to organise stag etc and turned up on the day and did a speech."

Why did your DH not point this out to DBIL when he requested DH plan/attend these events? Groomzilla or not, your DH can speak, can't he?

Do not just 'suck it up'. There's no need.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2015 11:40

Sorry for the double post - not sure what laptop is doing .

Original poster

m0therofdragons · 18/05/2015 11:40

Thanks for responses. Dh will speak up. really I wanted to get a feel from here whether we abu and this is normal for stags.
Dh is going to look at all the input this evening and choose a date, make a plan and talk to dbil with that. I wonder whether it's a few of dbil's friends getting carried away rather than dbil on his own.
Dbil is really lovely and usually normal so it's probably a getting wrapped up in wedding hysteria.

OP posts:

Collaborate · 18/05/2015 11:41

From your OP is appears that the events have already been planned by others. Or do you mean decided?

Can't he delegate to the others who have so rudely planned something else without reference to him?

Original poster

m0therofdragons · 18/05/2015 11:43

I'm not telling dbil anything. Other than posting here and being a sounding board for dh I'm staying out of it. Dh needs to sort this. It will be fine so long as mil doesn't get involved - mostly lovely but with bonkers tendancies.

OP posts:

Original poster

m0therofdragons · 18/05/2015 11:46

Discussed over a few pints in the pub rather than planned.
Dh didn't make it clear - dbil hasn't messaged him but our mutual friends have, telling dh what they and dbil decided dh should do.
I'll get him to call dbil later - his family always message rather than talk which is just hard work.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2015 12:10

"I wonder whether it's a few of dbil's friends getting carried away rather than dbil on his own."

From all your posts, it does look as if this may well be the case. Which means DH can easily resolve this. Whew!

penisland · 18/05/2015 13:00

Even a stag weekend away in the UK can cost £1000+ and that's staying in a Travelodge. That's what several of our party spent on a recent one.

Alanna1 · 18/05/2015 13:18

I think your DH just needs to talk with the groom. Blokes tend to be fairly laid back about these sorts of things. He could just say he can only get one weekend away from you, so he suggests he organises one and someone else organises the other and the groom can decide which.

notauniquename · 18/05/2015 13:37

It apparently is normal.
And I hate it.
I made sure that my "do" was not financially restrictive or exclusive of others.

I've got a lot of friends that I've known for a long time (since primary school) so don't want to miss out one their do, but I really wish that they'd grow up and get over themselves and realise that not everybody wants to or can afford to spaff a family holiday sized budget on a weekend of getting paralytically pissed up in their honour. Or at least if we are going to get that drunk can we at least do it in our home town so that I can throw up in my own toilet, sleep in my own bed and know where the headache tablets are the next day.

Breadrocks · 18/05/2015 14:07

I don't think yabu at all. But, I would say that £400 is getting off lightly for a stag do these days, especially if your dh is going to both.

We've just come through 6/7 years of all our friends getting married and it's cost us a bloody fortune.

Amongst many others, my dh has been to one stag which was a week skiing in France, not a cheap resort either! There are lots of things we've said no to, we didn't even go to a very close family members wedding because it was in a luxury resort on the other side of the world and would have cost all our savings and then some. That caused a few ructions but we stood our ground because it was taking the poss to expect that much of us for someone else's wedding. However having said all that, for the sake of two weekends and £400 I would suck it up. It's annoying but it is his brother and it could be worse. Lost count of the number of stag weekends to Dublin/Prague/Berlin etc my doh has done recently because it's a mate and he hasn't wanted to let him down. Thank god most people we know are now married. In years to come he'll be pleased he went.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/05/2015 14:09

My DH is in Ibiza on a stag do at the moment, I think including everything we have spent on it (fancy dress outfits, taxis to airports, spending, booking, boat trips, airport cash, some holiday clothes) about £1.5k. The one a few months ago in England (but diff city) came to about £1K

I have three this year, totally nearly 3K for them all...

thank god there are no weddings next year!

propelusagain · 18/05/2015 14:15

I am glad I have a man who wouldn't want to go on a stag do- he avoids these things at all costs.
Oh and he hates football too ( deliberate choice on my part)

Mamus · 18/05/2015 15:13

We didn't have a stag or hen do, just not our thing. I would laugh at anyone who thought they could insist on either of us spending £££s on something elaborate and involving a lot of time/ travel etc. But then, if they aren't people who can swallow a polite and friendly 'no thank you, I can't make that but thanks for the invitation and I hope you have a wonderful time', they really aren't anyone I'm that bothered about upsetting!

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