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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hacked off by DH describing me as a housewife?

118 replies

April52 · 18/05/2015 00:37

I've been stewing on this for a while. When we had our first DC, the birth certificate was done in hospital with me there. I was a teacher at the time so 'occupation' section was easy to fill in. Going back to work was miserable for a number of reasons so we did the sums and I left work to become a SAHM. I also finished the doctorate I'd started before we decided to settle down and have children. On the birth of DC2, DH dilligently goes down to register and this time puts my occupation as 'housewife'. I do not appreciate this! As far as I'm concerned, my occupation is still a teacher only I'm not currently in the role. Even though I gave up teaching, there has never been a time I haven't used my qualification to do bits of work to keep my hand in an supplement DH's income. I can't help feeling this is a bit of a dig at me not working although he's never said anything outright. Or AIBU and overreacting? And does anyone know if I can go and alter the certificate?

OP posts:

CamelHump · 18/05/2015 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Runningupthathill82 · 18/05/2015 07:57

As others have said, the term "housewife" is accurate. You are not currently working as a teacher.

But the fact that you're so upset about it suggests you see housewife as a derogatory term, or else you're not happy not being in work?

If I were you I'd let it gooo..... You. Dh won't have meant anything by it.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/05/2015 07:57

I'm a SAHM but I am not a housewife. I'm not a wife and, to my ear, so subjectively of course, housewives are concerned mostly cleaning, ironing, baking, sewing and doilies. They take pride in and define themselves by these things.

Being a SAHM is about looking after children. DP and I still share the bulk of the cleaning and he irons his own shirts.

Also, perhaps like the OP I see being a SAHM as a temporary phase, while children are young, bookended by a career outside the home.

I found though, that when registering dd's birth, 15 months after I'd been made redundant from my last job, the registrar would not let me put down my profession. I had to describe what I was doing at the time, which was student. In fact she insisted on specifying what I was studying.

So your DH might not have felt he had a lot of choice and might have been railroaded or 'helped' by the registrar. Have you asked him why he chose housewife rather than SAHM?

FergalSharkeysfloppyfringe · 18/05/2015 08:01

I wouldn't be thrilled at being referred to as housewife. But I'd be bloody fuming if I were referred to as "full time mother".

littlejohnnydory · 18/05/2015 08:02

Why?? When our last child was born, dh asked me how I wanted my occupation recorded - "housewife" or "full time parent" was my suggestion.

littlejohnnydory · 18/05/2015 08:04

I think the issue here is that people are seeing the sahm role as less valuable / less important. Why else would people mind?

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 08:05

Perhaps there should be an option for 'international woman of mystery'
Me and Camel would fall into that category. Kerala is close...

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 08:07

I am going to a sort of trade thing regarding a business DH and I are starting.
To gain entry we had to name our company (no problem) and give our title.
DH made me 'operations manager'
I'm keeping that for ever.

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 18/05/2015 08:10

I've not racked up quite as many years as Pagwatch but I have been a SAHM for 11 years. My youngest child is 9.

It doesn't bother me to be described as a housewife, because a short tour of my house would show I am not that good at housework, not when there are much more fun things to do like MN

I am wondering if OP's Dh didn't actually think anything when he regisitered the birth. The question would have been and what does your wife do?

The fact that the OP is upset at the term is telling of today's attitude to women who don't work, but also women who do, those that work part time. Awful how we judge one another.

If someone asks me what I do for a job it is usually deemed as an attack on their personal choice of working. All I really care about is if everyone is happy.

Oh and I never had a fancy job or title, just a normal office job.

mugglingalong · 18/05/2015 08:20

Even though I gave up teaching, there has never been a time I haven't used my qualification to do bits of work to keep my hand in an supplement DH's income

To me that means that she is still doing supply work/ tutoring etc but her dh disregards that. Admittedly right now she isn't doing it because she has just had a baby but how many mothers are actually doing their work when they register the birth? I didn't even know what time of day it was half the time let alone be in a position to explain to someone the difference between a type 1 and type 2 error. I still put lecturer down on the certificate.

MrsMook · 18/05/2015 08:22

At Ds2's birth I recorded my professional recorded. I was out of contract, but had an intention of returning to it, and saw myself as being on maternity leave. I had an.income from maternity allowence. 9 months later I was back in my profession, so it feels more accurate that that was recorded on there than some term related to the house or childcare.

There is a difference in a birth certificate to insurance. Insurance is temporary and practical. It will be renewed each year. A birth certificate is recorded for posterity. If an descendent uses it for research, what is on that document will lead them to different conclusions.

Nolim · 18/05/2015 08:31

Out of curiosity (and sorry for derailing the thread a bit) what is tbe reason to require the parents occupations in the birth certificate? Obviously the child unformation as well as tbe parents names, dates of birth, etc is relevant but what is the added value of recording that at the time of birth the parents had one occupation or another?

CamelHump · 18/05/2015 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theycallmemellowjello · 18/05/2015 08:44

Yes I would be upset by this! I'm not working at the moment but certainly don't think a career break defines me. To all the posters sensing a dig at their own choices here- of course it's fine to call someone a housewife if they want to define themselves that way, but the op is entitled not to want that.

however · 18/05/2015 08:55

I prefer 'none' than housewife.

Mintyy · 18/05/2015 09:00

Yanbu to be annoyed by this. I speak as someone who was a sahm for years, but if it annoys you then it annoys you op. Definitely nbu!

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 09:11

Fwiw I am not the slightest bit concerned that the ops choice is a reflection upon mine.

I am simply observing that there is a rather ridiculous vicious circle going on whereby some women don't want to use sahm even while they are technically being one, so they resist the term, the discussion increases the denigration of being thought of as having no job, the stigma gets rolled forward, people like the idea of being thought of as a sahm even more....

Given that most people I know have had a variety of roles inside and outside home/childcare etc, I just wish we could talk about it more openly, as something many women do at some stage or another but which does not define them.

We seem to insist on talking about it as some kind or moral/ethical choice (to be a WOHM/sahm) when I know many women who just do what their life circumstance allow.
Most of these choices are short term. Our working years with children are rarely totally straightforward. For most sahm is a stage not a deliberate choice.

TenerifeSea · 18/05/2015 09:22

I've seen 'home maker' on forms before which I think is less accurate than housewife. I would prefer SAHP too but if you're being pedantic, even that is problematic because you don't just parent at home.

TenerifeSea · 18/05/2015 09:23

What about 'full time childcare provider'?

Nolim · 18/05/2015 09:28

Tenerife that could apply to nursery workers as well, no?

Theycallmemellowjello · 18/05/2015 09:32

I've been off work looking after my son for a few months. I enjoy it, it's fulfilling, but I would be very unhappy if I was defined as a full time mother/housewife on an official form rather than as a practitioner of my previous career, which I am qualified in, spent nearly 15 years building a reputation in, of which I'm proud and which I intend to return to. It is not anti-feminist for me to say that I would be offended if someone defined my occupation as anything other than the profession I've paid my dues in. I see the sah period as very much an interlude and a break from my career. And that's not a criticism of women who see sahm-inn as their occupation.

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 09:33

I'm adopting 'operations manager' for any future documents at all.

DH had to deal with this last year. I made him put 'retired' which pissed him off massively as he is 46.

BehindEveryCloud · 18/05/2015 09:39

YANBU - I'd be annoyed too and want it changed. I have complete respect for parents and think it's the best job in the world but hate the term housewife. Personal choice.

I wouldn't think DH did it out of spite/to have a dig (as evidenced by previous comments, many people find it an acceptable non-offensive term so, unless he's used it in a derogatory way before, I'd give benefit of doubt) but I would be annoyed that he didn't pick up the phone to clarify what I wanted written if he was unsure.

basgetti · 18/05/2015 09:50

I think the term housewife is a bit old fashioned. I would prefer the term SAHP to describe myself because my days are completely taken up with childcare and DP probably does more housework than I do.

Original poster

April52 · 18/05/2015 09:55

Thank you everyone! I pretty much agree with all of you and that's why I've been stewing on it for a long time. The thread reads like my own conversations to myself about it! I think I am being a bit harsh on my DH really as I don't think he thought too much about it but that very small change in the occupation wording between DC1's certificate and DC2's has niggled and I'm still not sure why. Maybe it is because it's been one of the few times that I haven't been in control of my own identity but then again I should perhaps have foreseen it and had a word with DH before he went to do it (there were a few other things to think about at the time though!)

I do think it's the connotations of the word but I have to say on this I consider myself very very lucky to have the option to not work and look after the children and home so as many of you say I'm not sure why the term housewife upsets me quite as much as it does! I don't think I'll change it after all but it's not my occupation. When anyone becomes a parent, by default they become a kind of housewife/househusband whether they work FT, PT or not at all.

Anyway at the end of it all I'm overthinking this one! I'm off to wife my house!

OP posts:

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