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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sad that I've never been hugged by another adult who loves me

98 replies

HugAMNer · 17/05/2015 19:15

I hug my children a lot when they want hugs, however I'm sad because my childhood never involved hugs - I can't remember ever being hugged. My DH never hugs me because he's not a huggy person but I crave a hug, he won't hug me if I ask though because he hates hugs.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 17/05/2015 20:38

So, he doesn't want to hug, but you do?
The compromise would be that you both win, by having Tues, Thurs, Sat as hug days, and the others as non-hug days.
How would that go down?
What concerns me, and others, I think, is that you have no friends (how did that happen?) and he 'just does what he wants and then goes to sleep'......is there more to this? Are you being isolated and starved of affection?
Group hugs all round.

msgrinch · 17/05/2015 20:40

Oh op. I'm a hugger, sending you a massive hug.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 17/05/2015 20:41

Hugs are important
Am so sorry to see several posters living without that warmth of affection
I hope you can find a friend to hug even if partners are a trickier problem to
sort out x

QueenArseClangers · 17/05/2015 20:53

If you're anywhere near Bolton I'll give you a big squeeze and cuddle.
You deserve to be hugged every day several times and to be cherished x

Original poster

HugAMNer · 17/05/2015 20:53

Not really, he sees himself as being unappreciated and he's always been one to want things his way.

OP posts:

NeitherHereOrThere · 17/05/2015 21:01

What a sad post.

Why do you have no friends?

Does he not care if you are enjoying sex? Am I right in thinking that its him having sex on you rather than with you?

How does he make you feel loved?

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 17/05/2015 21:05

And what do you think Hug ?

Sniv · 17/05/2015 21:29

I'm not a hugger, and actually really dislike that hugs seem to have replaced 'goodbye' - I hate it when people I barely know bundle me into a bear hug when we part, as if I'm going on a long sea voyage or something.

That said, skin hunger is a real thing. I think most of us need affectionate contact, even just platonically, and feel close to another person.

So yes, I'm no hugger, but arm round a friend when she's upset? I'm there. Good squeeze when a favourite friend returns after being away? Of course. And, yes, cuddles with a partner are just the best; one of the loveliest things about being in relationship is being able to rely on that.

You're not being unreasonable at all

MagelanicClouds · 17/05/2015 21:49

I would say I am not a tactile huggy person naturally, but I do love snuggling up to DH and cuddling him. My youngest DC has just turned one and is as clingy as a limpet and I just LOVE it! Hugs from people I don't know well still make me freeze up.
That said, I'll send you another virtual hug. You sound like you need some too.
No-one deserves to live so starved of affection, does your DH really have no idea how sad you are?

grapejuicerocks · 17/05/2015 21:52

Would you say you are happy in your marriage? Does he have good points?

Because on what you have written, it sounds as if the lack of hugs is only the tip of the iceberg.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 17/05/2015 21:54

Oh OP I totally understand. I am not a 'hugger' or a 'kisser' when I meet someone, (from up north lol) but I do hug my daughter. Those are the only hugs I get! I dont have a partner and dont want one! I cant remember ever getting a hug from either of my parents and my Ex only ever associated a hug with a need for sex.

What I do have is my cats. They give me their equivalent of a hug :)

I hope you can resolve your problem, bless you, I would give you a hug :)

quellerosiel · 17/05/2015 22:54

Seconding all of the above and wanting to come and find you and give you a hug! If you're in Gloucestershire give us a shout

Jackieharris · 17/05/2015 23:02

Imo you need to look for a new relationship.

You really deserve better than the rest of your life like this.

WannabeLaraCroft · 17/05/2015 23:10

OP I'm so sorry you feel this way.
I'm really affectionate, my DH is not. Sometimes when I hug him he just stands with his hands at his sides, it can be soul destroying at times but it's just the way he is.

My family and DS are very affectionate though, but sometimes it's just not enough.

I'd give anything to take your pain away just now op, some people take hugs for granted but imo they are so important

emms1981 · 17/05/2015 23:23

I am a strange one. When I feel people getting in my personal space I feel myself pulling away, for eg at work people have gone to touch me on the arm and I flinch and pull away,I don't know why, its something I do without even thinking about it but I love having hugs with my children.
When my husband touches me on the arm or leg I feel irrated but I don't mind a hug.

Fatmomma99 · 17/05/2015 23:59

Hugs to you!!!!

MidniteScribbler · 18/05/2015 00:00

I can sympathise OP. My parents weren't very touchy feely either. I'm single, and other than DS (who I had with a donor) or my students who will give me a hug, I can't remember the last time I was touched by someone. I see people on tv and movies cuddling up together and wonder where I went wrong.

DarthVadersTailor · 18/05/2015 00:00

OP not only would I give you a HUGE hug but I'd even dish out a good spooning too. You deserve & need it

Mermaidhair · 18/05/2015 00:09

Op, I'm another one who grew up with never being hugged. I remember the first time my dm hugged me, I was 15 and it freaked me out! I was moving out of home and she said I know your problem I've never told you I love you or hugged you. My late dh was the person who taught me about love. I am now the most huggy person ever! People are amazed if they find out how I grew up. Just keep giving your kids lots of love and hugs. I go to a wonderful church and there is one lady in particular who gives wonderful hugs. You need to find someone like that. It doesn't sound like your dh will change, so maybe try a friend. Humans have a need to be hugged, you may be surprised who you find. Big hugs to you.

PeppermintCrayon · 18/05/2015 02:05

Op, is it possible you have inadvertently sought out a partner who is like your parents?

Original poster

HugAMNer · 18/05/2015 07:35

Dunno. Thanks for all the kind messages. I'm stepping back from this thread now as it's getting me down, I know, I know.

OP posts:

Balaboosta · 18/05/2015 07:45

Sounds like your relationship is a bit hollowed out, very sad. Is he affectionate with the dc?

NeitherHereOrThere · 18/05/2015 08:23

Come to the Relationships board if you need to talk again.

Dontunderstand01 · 18/05/2015 09:09

My mil can drive me a bit potty, but one of the lovely things she used to say to dh when he was a little lad was 'but hugs help you grow', whenever he was resisiting a cuddle! He is now 6foot 4 and says it is down to lots of hugs!

OP everyone deserves hugs, and I would love to give you a proper squeezy hug. Please come back and post more to tell us more. Xx

fatlazymummy · 18/05/2015 09:25

This thread has made me feel very sad.
I'm a single parent, so don't get hugs from a partner any more. To his credit my ex did hug me a lot (though was a wanker in other ways).
I hug my kids a lot, but I'm going to do it even more now, and savour every single hug.Hopefully it gives them some warm memories of being loved when I'm gone.

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