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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad that I've never been hugged by another adult who loves me

98 replies

HugAMNer · 17/05/2015 19:15

I hug my children a lot when they want hugs, however I'm sad because my childhood never involved hugs - I can't remember ever being hugged. My DH never hugs me because he's not a huggy person but I crave a hug, he won't hug me if I ask though because he hates hugs.

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 17/05/2015 19:43

hugs should be available on prescription, there must be so many sad lonely people, especially the elderly who live alone and have no family

EmeraldThief · 17/05/2015 19:43

MinimunPayment, same for me. My DM is a good mother in every other way, we've never wanted for anything and Ive never doubted for one minute that she's loves us (DB and I) but she just doesn't do physical displays of affection and admits it makes her feel uncomfortable.

I've no done too badly though. My DF is a soppy old sod who gives hugs all the time. My DB is huggy, and so was my late DGM on my dads side.

EponasWildDaughter · 17/05/2015 19:44

((HUG)) OP

How sad. Yes your DC will grow into huggy adults if you show them the way. Maybe keep gently asking for a hug from DH. Arm around for a little while before sleeping?

I used to be funny about hugging other adults but at some point in my 20s i met someone who used to give everyone the most lovely big proper squeeze when she met them that it made everyone :)

So i took up hugging. i have a good bosom for it

TongueBiter · 17/05/2015 19:44

My doctor did in fact once give me a -very professional-- hug. Bless him, it did more good than the prescription.

SunsetSongster · 17/05/2015 19:46

Hello OP. Just to reassure you about your DS I wanted to say that my brother is not a hugger - I can't remember him ever hugging me or my parents - but is very affectionate with his DW and own DD.

My parents never showed us affection and I remember being upset by it as a child. I also dislike being hugged sometimes and tend to go rigid when MIL hugs me (can't help it).

Do your ILs hug? I feel bad for not hugging DH enough now we have DC.

orangeyellowgreen · 17/05/2015 19:46

I've never been hugged or cuddled either and was married only briefly. What makes me sad is seeing older couples holding hands.

Ev1lEdna · 17/05/2015 19:47

That really is sad, I want to give you a hug. You deserve a hug. (( ))

Original poster
HugAMNer · 17/05/2015 19:49

No, the ILs don't do hugs, nor would I want one from them if I'm entirely honest. Apart from the DCs the only time I get any physical contact is if I have a medical appointment.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/05/2015 19:51

I'm not a great one for hugs; I do the rigid thing. But I recognise that other people do like hugs and I'm willing to make a bit of an effort. Your DH is being a bit mean; you are not asking for much for goodness sake.

Koalafications · 17/05/2015 19:53

I'm not a huggy person. I worry that DH may feel like you do as he loves hugs. It's just not something that I crave.

Original poster
HugAMNer · 17/05/2015 19:54

free hugs campaign. If only. Sad

OP posts:
bbcessex · 17/05/2015 19:56

That's really sad. I think people not from a huggy background just need practice.

What happens when you have sex? Does he show you affection then?

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 17/05/2015 19:58

Take a hug, OP. Your OP made me so sadSad
I wouldn't be able to cope in relationship with someone who wouldn't hug me. Luckily my DP is a hug-kiss-stroke monster. =.=

to be sad that I've never been hugged by another adult who loves me
Original poster
HugAMNer · 17/05/2015 19:58

bbcessex no he just does what he wants and goes to sleep.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 17/05/2015 20:01

Right. There MUST be a MNer somewhere near to you who can give you a hug - and orangeyellowgreen too. (Would be marvellous if you two lived nearby so could exchange a hug).

Do either of you live in Southampton?

Original poster
HugAMNer · 17/05/2015 20:04

No, sadly not.

OP posts:
Allinson2014 · 17/05/2015 20:04

I can't remember my DM hugging us as children but weirdly as adults she often tries to. I have to say I hate it. I find it really awkward and sort of put on as she never used to do it before.

My DH though is very affectionate but we've gone through a hectic time of being busy, babies, kids illnesses recently and there's been times I've thought that I've spent all day hugging the kids and I'd like a hug myself.

I feel for you OP, maybe have another chat with your DP and let him know just how important it is to you.

SnowflakeObsidian · 17/05/2015 20:09

My DF is not tactile - he prefers to show his love in other ways and I suspect he is on the autistic spectrum - but my mum makes him hug her, because she needs it, as most people do. My DB and I give her lots of hugs as well because we take after her. Your DP is being mean; even if he doesn't care for hugs it only takes a few seconds and means so much. Quite frankly I think you're entitled to say no hugs, no sex! Have a virtual hug from me, you sound very loveable and you deserve it!

bbcessex · 17/05/2015 20:16

aw, OP.. that's very sad.. is there a bit more too it than just a hug? he does what he want doesn't really sound like a loving, two-way relationship :-(

Is there someone you can talk to?

Ohbollocksandballs · 17/05/2015 20:20

I really want to dish out some hugs!

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 17/05/2015 20:20

'He just does what he wants and goes to sleep'

Hug - that's not right and it sounds like you know it. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about? It sounds a very lonely place to be. You don't have to be there ((HugaMNer))

Wombat22 · 17/05/2015 20:21

Sending huge hugs to HugAMNer and orangeyellowgreen ((()))

formerbabe · 17/05/2015 20:23

no he just does what he wants and goes to sleep.

Op...this is really sad and not right. Are you happy together bar this issue?

Justusemyname · 17/05/2015 20:25

Sad Seems like there is more amiss than hugs, here.

PutWittyUsernameHere · 17/05/2015 20:36

Oh, OP, that is awful! I can understand that some people are not natural huggers, but to refuse hugs to your DP when they need one doesn't seem quite right somehow. Your further remarks about lack of affection in sex are very worrying. Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship as a whole, but you sound extremely lonely for someone in a committed relationship.

My family were very much non-huggers; I don't remember any hugs from my dad in childhood, and very few from my mum. Now, although I hug my mum (not my dad, we do an air-kiss thing), it never feels natural, and TBH I sort of dread it because it feels weird when it shouldn't.