To expect him to contact me from abroad?

[hannah0030]

We are in a long distance relationship as it is, see each other about once a month. This week he has gone away on holiday. I hadn't heard from him all day, and I text saying 'hey, when can we talk today?'. He replies saying he won't be back at the hotel with wifi until gone midnight, so we can't talk today. I ask him to call me (he isn't accepting my calls). He says it is too expensive, I say if you can pay for flights abroad, you can pay for one call a day, because I don't stop existing when you go away...AIBU?

Okay so most people seem to agree that it is unnecessary to hear from someone every day whilst they are away - I certainly don't want to make DP feel put upon / like he can't enjoy himself....anyone got any tips for what to do when you're feeling bored / lonely / miss the other person but don't want to bother them?

Oh right I see, I thought that was a bit over the top haha!

It's not that - usually I have a fulfilling life and it's all good - but at the moment I'm in exam period and studying 24/7 for final exams, so I can't really do any of those exciting things that I do have planned for summer etc

Dh goes away loads and is not exactly communicative and an engrossing book or TV series box set keeps me occupied in the evenings once dc is in bed. Possibly not what you meant tip wise and different anyway as you are not living together.

Fwiw I am surprised at people not catching up once a day - clearly I am needier than most then.

Nothing wrong with missing your man! Doesn't mean your a sad lonley needy bag! It's just how your wired. Me (and my friends!!!) have all had contact once (or more shock horror!!!) whilst we've been away, I don't think your odd at all. I have a really busy life, lots of friends, good job, children, I still miss him and can't wait for him to get back. Maybe I'm the mad women ha!

Thanks god clearlyidentifiable I thought I was insane

haha thank you easily and pippa! It was literally just once this afternoon, hadn't heard from him all day, and he was very apologetic, I said no worries and on we went!

I think I may be someone that does too much rather than too little - I'm used to being able to message him in between lectures / going out with friends / being at work / hanging out with my housemates, so I get a bit nonplussed when someone can't take 5 minutes out of one day haha. But I'll try to keep a check on what might be unreasonable expectations.

Is there really an activity that involves being out from 9am until midnight every single day???

Personally I'd like daily contact and I can't see why it isn't possible- other than one person chooses not to make the effort.

bear, the activity does involve that unfortunately (I do the same thing).
but yeah, I guess it is an effort thing - when I'm doing that activity I manage to keep in touch by putting in the effort. He is an all round stellar DP though, and I don't think it's lack of effort, he just likes to gets in the zone, so I don't mind, just as long he messages at least once a day!

Yy to the wondering why he can't take five mins out of the day to get in touch. That is exactly what I think unless it is a day when I know dh is ridiculously busy with meetings or flying between places. Unfortunately with dh when I am out of sight, I am out of mind too.

I do think your circumstances warrant how you feel as you are used to be apart and messaging a lot. But I also agree that if he doesn't feel like it much, leave him to it and see how he is when he is back/ you see him next.

what is the activity?! Nosey. It sounds like too much energy whatever it is!

It's like a big academic week away - nothing to do with work, but spending the whole day at conferences / debates / presentations, then they always go out for a big dinner and drinks every night. I'm honestly very happy for him to go and do it, but he does get breaks and lunch times in which sending text is very much doable ;)

I just texted saying I'm sure it's only 5 euros, can you call? He said sorry I'm just about to grab dinner so I'll message you later promise, and I said no worries talk to you later

I'm afraid that would bug me no end. I'm trying to envisage one of those men that constantly needs to text and phone, and all I can think of is "controlling" or "neurotic". Do you imagine he is cheating on you or something, or might be tempted if you don't constantly remind him of your presence?

Just what is it that you need to talk to him so urgently about? He's away for a week! Theres no emergency, you don't have kids, and he will contact you tonight when he gets a chance to sit down at a computer with wifi. Do you have any idea how much phone call roaming charges cost, and how easy it is to run away with time?

Just try and get a sense of perspective and fill your time with something else.

Hmm DH and I have a lot of contact generally but if he's away with friends I definitely wouldn't expect a call every day. A text is enough isn't it? Sounds like he's pretty busy!

Oh no, it's never about cheating or anything like that! I've never suspected or accused him of anything of the sort.
It was that we can't message tonight as he is getting back so late, so just thought I'd like to catch up and have a chat.

Tabu he is on holiday and the cost is expensive in most cases. Can't he have a break with your checking in. You don't have kids. Get yourself a life where you aren't so reliant on him for contact

O.k. So you would like to have a chat.

He's on holiday and doesn't want to be bothered for now.

I get both sides.

Do you think this is going anywhere? I know the LDR is the hardest to sustain - been there, done that.

Decide for yourself if this is how you want your now/future, if not, check out of it.

It may just be me but I would like to think DH would actually want to contact me if he were away, not be feeling obliged or wondering about our differing levels of neediness etc. If I was away I would want to check in each evening, share my day's discoveries etc n check all was ok with DH n I think / hope he'd feel the same.

Admittedly we do live together n r married now which of course puts a different slant on it in terms of how much contact we ordinarily would have but before we were n quite early on in r relationship, I did a girly weekend abroad n texted twice a day, morning n bedtime. There was no expectation of it from him, it just felt natural to say morning n night night because I was thinking of him? He'd also text me a couple of times just kinda randomly saying hi or miss u etc.

Horses for courses n some people just don't seem to feel the need for much contact, we're all different, but I don't think yabu in the slightest to expect the odd text n occasional call. 5 euros is nothing!

Maybe he is worried that you have something BIG you want to tell him but he's not ready for it so wants to avoid speaking to you.

Having read your OP and updates I too think you sound a bit needy.

Hope things work out for you though.

I'm torn with this.... DH is abroad and calls me every morning, but then we have children and work together so there is a need for greater contact. However I also remember when we were first together most people didn't have mobile phones and email was relatively new so people went on holiday all the time and most people didn't contact boyfriends or girlfriends at all..... You used to call you mum once to say you'd arrived!

DH rarely calls me when he is away and I'm fine with that, especially if he is away for social reasons and I'd just want him to enjoy himself. Personally I look forward to having the place to myself and enjoy indulgent TV/reading/getting on with things without him around. I go away less often than him, but I don't really like the whole checking in thing, I always feel there is enough to worry about and usually lots of activities planned so I don't want to feel obligated to think about anything else. We've never been big communicators though, our only texts to each other these days is to sort out meeting places/times - purely practical.

I really don't need to speak to a boyfriend every day whilst he's away. But then I grew up in the days before mobile phones! Might drop a couple of emails in a week away but nothing else.

hmmm. I don't think you are BU. I like to hear from DH at least once a day when he is travelling for work or pleasure and he should be sensitive to your feelings. BUT wheedling someone to call you never ever works, no matter how reasonable your expectations. it just makes people defensive and makes them want to bakc off and makes you look needy even if you aren't expecting much. So from a purely practical perspective I would say dont' mention it any more, and work out as a separate issue whether you think he cares about you enough/ takes your feelings into account enough etc etc.