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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my neighbor

114 replies

deliverdaniel · 15/05/2015 20:08

I really can't work out whether IABU because I am feeling baseline resentment about my neighbor (we have had problems in the past which I have posted about) or whether this is fair.

We live in a rented flat, part of a conversion which is two flats- we are upstairs, our neighbor is downstairs. SHe doesn't like us, complains constantly at us about all kinds of things- hates our kids etc etc. We are both renting with the same landlord.

there is large front garden, jointly used by both flats, which my kids used to play in- it was previously kind of a mess- not terrible, but a bit overgrown and the kids enjoyed playing in it. The neighbor enjoys gardening and has recently dug up the whole thing and planted a lot of plants and made it into a more well kept, fancy garden. She didn't tell me she was going to do this, or ask me what I thought or anything. What she has done looks nice, and I have been appreciative of her hard work- told her that she has done a really good job etc. But now she is saying that our DC can no longer play there because of all the work she has done to it, and that they might ruin the plants. Yesterday she shouted at 19 month old DS for running in there. AIBU to think that she doesn't have the right to do this? I monitor them carefully and make sure they don't damage anything, but tbh i would rather it was still overgrown and they didn't have to worry about spoiling things there and think that this is our shared space and we have just as much right to it as she does (this last bit is technically true according to the lease- just wondering if it is also generally 'right' in 'not being a total dick' terms.) I don't mind that she fixed it, and it does look nice, but I feel as though that doesn't somehow give her ownership of it, and the right to tell my DCs off. Or am I being unfair on her after all her hard work to expect her to put up with my DCs still runniing around and should take them to play elsehwere? Would appreciate opinions! thank you!

OP posts:
Fluffcake · 15/05/2015 22:33

Tell her you are going to speak to your landlord and ask him to reduce rent as she won't let you use garden.... And he can put hers up. Bet she wouldn't like that!

blankgaze · 15/05/2015 23:18

She's only doing it to intimidate you and your children so you don't use it. The LL needs to know.

Is there any way that you could have half of the garden each with individual access, yours could be turfed and fenced for the kids to play in.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 16/05/2015 02:46

thanks everyone- really appreciate all the comments.

blankgaze- unfortunately no- for various reasons that's not really practical partly because of the wayt the space is configurated. If it were possible, it would also be quite a big job that i don't really want to pay for either (the LL wont' pay)

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 16/05/2015 03:50

You sound utterly reasonable, and she sounds ridiculous!

And I say that as someone who likes gardens and has no kids.

KoalaDownUnder · 16/05/2015 03:54

And no, you shouldn't have to pay for any plants that your children damage (accidentally) when they're playing. Reasons are:

  1. the garden was in a particular condition when you moved in and signed the lease, and that's all you should have to maintain
  1. neighbour made all the changes without consulting you
  1. she has now changed the garden to something that is more easily damaged by young children using it normally
  1. it's a shared space and you have as much right to reasonable usage as she does

Honestly, I can't believe her nerve.

jbegood · 16/05/2015 04:13

I'm with you. She doesn't lay claim to a shared space just because she planted flowers on it. What a silly woman!

TandemFlux · 16/05/2015 04:22

Can you ask your landlord to put up a fence so there are two halves

TandemFlux · 16/05/2015 04:23

Anyway most plants grow back! The damage would be temporary

MythicalKings · 16/05/2015 05:40

She's done a lovely thing making a scruffy area into a nice garden and I'm sure it looks better.

However, she did it without consulting you and you have a right to the shared space so she'll have to put up with it. A bit of me thinks she did it to stop your DCs playing there.

Ask the LL to specify in writing your right to the shared space. Laminate it and pin it to the garden fence. Point at it whenever she moans.

thefifthpanda · 16/05/2015 07:26

It's not just kids who can mess up a shared garden anyway. My lovely new neighbour has just planted up our previously-dump of a garden and in 'helping' with the weeding I pulled up a prize giant spiny acanthus specimen. I was mortified when she pointed it out. I did offer to pay but she was having none of it. "It's a shared space, you've just got to accept that these can things happen" she said.

Momzilla82 · 16/05/2015 07:41

She's bullying you out of your own garden. You need to speak to the landlord and then fight Fire with Fire- is there space for a trampoline? Or a small collection of cosy coupe cars? A sand and water table. She doesn't have any rights here and she knows it. Your mistake was trying to be accommodating with stopping them using noisy toys- she's took that as a sign she's in charge. I'd so be checking if any of the plants are harmful/ poisonous to children. She should remove those.

FishWithABicycle · 16/05/2015 07:52

If she chose to spend her money on expensive plants for an area regularly used for kids to play who have every right to be there, more fool her but she is the only one to blame if the plants get damaged. Perhaps she'd also like to spend some money on some expensive dresden china ornaments, leave them on the ground in the communal parking area and then complain to drivers careless enough to smash them. Your children should carry on playing just like normal. Your neighbour should get over herself.

TheCatsMother99 · 16/05/2015 08:25

She has no right to tell your kids not to play on an area you (pay to) have the right to use.

Charlie97 · 16/05/2015 09:00

She s done this to create a situation to moan more, do not give into this bullying.

When she moans look her straight in the eye and say it's shared space, my DCs well being is as important as your need to look at a pretty garden.

I will not be stopping them playing in the garden, I will not be having this conversation with you again.

You also never ever shout at my DCs (you spiteful witch).

climbingquickly · 16/05/2015 09:46

I think you're both being a bit U. She shouldn't try to stop your kids using garden, but equally your kids shouldn't behave in a way that spoils her enjoyment of it. I don't think it's ever appropriate to let kids run around screaming in a shared garden and being so boisterous they could damage things... it's not YOUR garden either! If they can't play quietly and respect the garden, take them to the park or playground. It doesn't really matter who made the garden nice and planted things... fact is it's been done up now and is a proper garden not a patch of wilderness. If garden had been done up and paid for by the landlord/letting agency would you still think it's ok to let your kids play roughly and damage it?!

I think you need to explain to neighbour your kids WILL be using garden but agreed to some ground rules e.g. no running, no shouting or screeching, no trampling flowerbeds. Teach them to respect the garden and the hard work that went into transforming it. Get them involved in planting things, weeding etc. Kids can benefit from being out in fresh air, getting exercise and having fun, without charging round making a racket.

We used to have a shared garden when DC were young. Everyone in flats looked after it and took turns to keep it nice. No-one ever let their kids make a racket or damage anything. Kids played quietly, older people sat and soaked up the sun and kept an eye on them. Yes I expect my DC would have enjoyed it more had it been an unkempt patch of wilderness for their exclusive enjoyment... but it was a shared garden, that everyone has a right to enjoy. When an area is communal you have to think of everyone, not just what your DC want.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 16/05/2015 09:53

It's your garden too. As she didn't consult you about the plants, you could quite easily just put up a big trampoline for the kids in the middle of it/deck chairs/barbecue etc. Even add your own plants. It's your space to do with as you wish, she can't dictate to you.

PuppyMonkey · 16/05/2015 09:53

I must have weird kids (or a weird garden) as my kids have never damaged any plants despite doing a lot of running around. Confused

You'd be keeping your eye on them I assume, so how likely is it they will damage stuff?

SomewhereIBelong · 16/05/2015 10:01

she was probably just fed up of having someone else's kids playing outside her window all the time, being as you are upstairs, you don't get the noise like she does.

if your kids are playing so roughly as to be damaging plants there must be a fair bit of noise.

WetFishAndOnionRings · 16/05/2015 10:06

She sounds like a dick.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 16/05/2015 10:14

Difficult, I can See both sides. Of course you want the garden for your children to play in. But maybe she wants it to sit in a deck chair and read a book with radio 4 wafting in the background and can she really do that with kids running about?

The answer I think, is you both should've rented flats with private gardens. But that hasn't happened, so it needs to work. I would tell her she can't ban your children, it's shared and she is ridiculous but look at either seperation with a fence or some kind of rota to enjoy the garden.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 16/05/2015 10:14

Put a trampoline bang smack in the middle of it

Teeste · 16/05/2015 10:26

Oh come on, this is a blatant ploy to keep the kids out of the garden. I'd be buying them something noisy to play with and sending them out there to let loose. This neighbour sounds like she's going to moan whatever you do, so why not let your kids access what is rightfully theirs too?

I garden and I can't think of too many plants that couldn't take a few hits from a football. We don't have kids just yet, but next door's are out in their garden all the time on their trampoline and we do get an awful lot of balls landing on our side. It's never ruined anything I've planted. It would be different if they were purposefully jumping up and down on something delicate, but that doesn't sounds like the case here.

notapizzaeater · 16/05/2015 10:33

I'd be asking landlord for a reduction in rent and getting him to put hers up and leave her to it ... She sounds fussy

QuintShhhhhh · 16/05/2015 10:39

Are you not there in the garden with them when they are playing? Or are they left unsupervised and your neighbour feels she has to look after them?

nequidnimis · 16/05/2015 11:07

OP you mentioned that this is the front garden? Is there a back garden too, or is the front garden the only outside space?

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