Being used as a childcare prop to another parent's social life?

[Mrsdoyle1]

Hello, I'm sorry this is a long one but would be very grateful for some feedback/advice. I'm not sure if I'm just being a resentful, mean-spirited old biddy, or if I have genuine cause to feel used.

I'll need to use abbreviations throughout: W is my 13-year-old son, D is my son's friend and S is D's mother. Got that? Then I'll begin...with a few facts for starters:

S has a partner plus an army of childcare for D (an only child) from her ex-husband and his parents, various friends, etc. She goes away with just her partner every other weekend when D stays with her ex. We have two sons, one still at primary-school, and have never, ever had any childcare support to rely on, other than paid. So yes, I admit to being envious on that front in the current situation. However, that honestly wasn't an issue to begin with.

Now I'll try to explain the situation: D lives about 20 minutes away from the school, so our house is a convenient place closer to the school. D is dropped off here every morning to walk in with W and a few other of his friends. Initially, D started coming back here after school a few times a week, to spend time with W. W was initially invited to D's house in return (but has been there at the most 5 times in total since they became friends more than 2 years ago). At first I was just happy that W had a good friend and didn't mind. S repeatedly checked it was okay and I said it was fine because I had no idea then that she would start to abuse it. Also, she used to occasionally pop in for a quick chat and cup of tea when collecting D which was nice.

But, in recent months, I have very rarely seen her and she has started to organise her whole social life around the expectation that W can come back here, with a myraid of other people collecting him. On the few times she shows her face, she's always in too much of a rush to come in for a chat. D still only comes a couple of times a week. It's not for long and it's no great inconvenience in itself but it's the attitude behind it that I'm starting to resent. For example, when D's after school club was cancelled at the last minute, S called me to ask if he could come back here because she was at the Ideal Home show and didn't want to rush back in the traffic! Recently, she asked me to help in a minor way with arrangements for D when plans changed while she was away on a spa break with her partner (which she took great pleasure in telling me about). The change of plan didn't work and I ended up having to call her ex-mother-in-law to find out what was going on. She was pretty fed up that S was away while everyone else was running around to sort things out and to be honest, I felt exactly the same way. From the rare conversations we have, S always seems to be out lunching with a friend or at some other social event, so there's no good reason why she can't collect D on time. I always without fail have to be there after work to collect my younger son from his school. As S is currently not working, I feel she doesn't have an excuse for relying on us as a fallback for childcare so much, especially as she has so many other sources of help. Also, she hasn't invited W over for months.

AIBU to feel resentful and used? Having D is no great inconvenience and so am I just being churlish? if I say anything, I'd end up jeapordising my son's friendship which I don't want to do. On the other hand, I'd never dream of relying on someone else to prop up my social life in the way that S does, rather than just asking for help in an emergency. (I have only ever once asked another friend to collect my son from school after I lost my father and I couldn't face going to the school.) Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with the resentment?!

However.... she may reciprocate and think that one favour buys her another year of help from you

rookiemere, I agree I'd struggle a bit to convey my honest thoughts to S on the current situation without it causing awkwardness or worse, her stopping her son spending time with mine. That's the last thing I'd want to happen, but there's been some very useful advice here about setting boundaries a bit more clearly and that's certainly got me thinking. It's true, though, that the withdrawal of the friendship side has been a bit hurtful, which is why I'm now starting to feel used. But, the important thing is my son's friendship and I suppose I have to find a way of putting my disappointment and irritation with S behind and getting on with it. I hadn't thought about the fact that at least it means my son spends more time here, so that's a good point and another positive! Thanks for sharing your experience about asking someone to have your Ds overnight, and I'm sorry it wasn't in happier circumstances. I do just need to be a bit more forward with being forward on these matters, I think.

If I were in your situation, I would just ask her a few times if she can have your boys over so you can have a night out without worrying about them. If she made excuses not to have them, I'd suddenly be finding myself having things to do afterschool with the boys, locking up the house and making myself unavailable for childcare favours.

Based on my experience with my daughter's new friendships at secondary school, I'm surprised that you're considering addressing this with the mum rather than talking to your own son and saying something like 'D is welcome to come after school once or twice a week, but he must be collected by X time'. 13 year olds sort out their own friendships, mums aren't usually involved. Even the one new friend's mum I've really hit it off with, I rarely have contact with her except when one of us is dropping off or collecting - all arrangements are made by the children. Other kids' parents don't even come to the door when they/I collect, they text the child or the child answers the door and mine comes running out. These are naice families, it's just that the kids are growing up and want to be independent (my daughter declined a cash contribution to her cinema trip with friends tonight because she wanted to have paid for it herself, albeit with saved-up pocket money).

mrsdoyle1 you are the most polite OP I've ever encountered on Mumsnet.
You sound very reasonable and nice.
That's probably why the other mum is taking advantage of you.
YANBU.
But weigh it up.
Is the friendship for your son worth more than you feeling used by the mother.
If so - suck it up.
If not, remember the Mumsnet advice - 'No is a complete sentence'
No (I'm not available to mind your son for an extra hour )

ICUB4UCMe, thanks for your reply. Yes, there's certainly some excellent advice on this thread which has really helped me.

In answer to your post, I think the problem is that the situation has changed with time and only became pretty much one-way since last autumn. When S initially asked me to help out, I was happy to do it because it was on a different basis, in that she used to invite my son over occasionally which was nice for him and D. So, it's only really now I'm taking stock and realising that she's just treating my son/house as a convenient prop and offering nothing in return. I can't really leave it up to the boys to organise things anyway because D always needs a lift back somewhere so that has to involve S or one of her relatives/friends in some way.

What is D like? Is he the sort of person you want W to have as a friend. I'm thinking that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and there is a chance he may exhibit his mother's more unfortunate traits. I hope that I am wrong.
Is D being round all the time stopping W from forming other friendships?

Hello, Senua, D is fine really and the main thing is my son enjoys his company. My son does seem to have other friends too, but it's true that I don't tend to invite others round so much because D tends to be here on a regular basis. But perhaps I do need to address that to make sure my son keeps up with his other friends too.

Thanks very much for your post, Mumoftwoyoungkids, and I think your theory's spot on! A few others have also suggested the weekend idea and it's definitely an appealing one! As you say, it would also confirm whether or not my suspicions are right... [sceptical] Still, even if she says no, I'm not going to stop the boys seeing one another as that wouldn't be fair on them. But I think I will then have every right to start putting my foot down more as to when and for how long D comes here. (Perhaps a little inconvenience to S might prod her into remembering to invite my son over occasionally!)

Mrsdoyle1 - perhaps the best way to address the D issue is to ask your son if he is happy that he hangs round so much or would he like others to hang round as well or instead.
Sorry I did say earlier you shouldn't speak to him about it, but I think a simple question like that is ok. If he is perfectly happy with D being there then you have your answer, if not then yes it's perhaps time to be more proactive about saying no to additional requests.

Thanks, AmateurSeamstress, yes, there's some really good advice here. Having D here isn't any big inconvenience generally, but it can be at times when I get dragged into sorting out failed and complex arrangements to collect him. I think the messages here have helped me to realise, though, that the friendship between the boys is the central thing here, and the advantages outweigh the annoyance I feel at times with the situation. I don't think anyone likes to feel taken for granted, but as others have said, asking S for the odd favour here and there will balance things out more and make me feel better about the situation.

Thanks, applesareredandgreen, I really appreciate your post and you make some very good points. I think you're right that I do need to adjust a bit to a different sort of arrangement now that my older son's a teenager - my original expectations of friendship with S shouldn't really influence things. It's all a bit of learning curve...

mimishimmi, you're right, I do need to make this arrangement work to my advantage a bit more. An evening out with a bit of free childcare would go a long way to making me feel less resentful about the current situation, as would the odd invite to my son to go to D's house...

MillionToOneChances, thanks and I do take your point about how these arrangements change as children get older. I'm realising from yours and others' posts here that I need to adjust my expectations/thinking a bit about this. Unfortunately, the arrangements for collecting D are often complex and he always needs a lift from someone because of the distance factor. So, any visit to our house is always under S's or her ex-husband's control as they're the ones who decide when/who is going to collect D. It's not something that the boys can just arrange between themselves, unfortunately...

hollyisalovelyname, that's lovely of you to say, but not sure my family would agree - I'm just on good behaviour what with being on a public forum and all that .

You've hit the nail on the head and I think reading all the posts here has really helped me to see that the most important thing here is my son's friendship. I think my annoyance with S has been clouding my vision on this but yours and other posts here have made the choice clear. So, I need to put my feelings aside and celebrate my son's friendship. BUT, as others have suggested, I'm definitely going to start asking for a few favours in return, and I won't feel bad about that now I know INBU.

A big thanks to you and everyone else on this thread for the wise and kind advice. Have a good weekend! .

Your last post sounds like you're off MN now, so perhaps you won't see this, but just wanted to say, MrsDoyle, I was reading through waiting to get to the end so I could compliment you on your BEAUTIFUL manners - replying with names to each post. BEAUTIFUL manners.

And then quietasamouse came in and said it first, and Holly said it too.

I found SolidGold's post really shocking to read given how you've been communicating. But you've responded to it, so I won't dwell.

Just wanted to add that it feeling unbalanced is not BU, because it is. I love how you're making the children the most important thing. I also think you mentioned that it can interfere with your family's meal times, which is TOTALLY U of the other mother. I was going to suggest EITHER you text the mum and say 'please pick your DS up before xx time, because I need to serve dinner' (not unreasonable esp as you have a younger child) OR feed him too, and make the person picking up wait til he's finished his meal.

All the best to you, and (once again) your manners are second to none!

Fatmomma99, what a very kind post, thank you. I really appreciate your lovely comments and it's good to know that I'm not just being an unreasonable old biddy about all this! I've been lucky to have such helpful and supportive posts, and they've really helped me get a handle on the situation. Also, just knowing that there are so many friendly mums out there who are prepared to share their experiences with such generosity has cheered me up no end.

All the best to you, too, and thanks again for taking the trouble to post.

People like you, salt of the eart, do anything for ya, are absolutely the ultimate of targets for people like her.

I think the GCSE revision stuff is extremely important and the tack of telling her that it has to be prior agreement, that ther may be a NO on her horizon, AND you will expect mutual arrangements like sleepovers so that you get to have a life too, and not being a constant and unappreciated childcare provider is the way to go.

If she lives 20mins drive away from the school, she's surely out of catchment, she needs to take proper responsibility for her son getting to and from school. He is old enough to to get himself home, if transport is available, if not the. She has to fund it.

You have got very far in life without learning to set your boundaries, this however is the time for you to learn how to do this. Your DS will also be served well by seeing this.

Very tricky, I had a similar experience and totally felt taken for granted, I told mother I couldn't help any more and fall out was horrendous. With hindsight I could only put up and shut up or back off. I wish I'd handled it better but I was so peed off with her selfishness and expectation I'd drop everything for her kids. Also it's very awkward for her poor son. If you like her son and he has a good relationship with your son that could be the trade off.

MrsDoyle1. I don't know how old you are but I've found that I've got a lot better at not getting taken advantage of as I've got older. I like to think I'm usually a nice helpful sort of person but I really don't like the feeling that people are taking the mickey.

I can now say no to people without it feeling too awkward. I keep things as simple and straightforward as possible and try not to make up excuses.

Another thing that sounds ridiculously simple but that I have found helpful is to take my time before I reply to requests for help. I just ask for 'five minutes to think about it' if I'm asked to do something. It's stops me from agreeing to things I don't really want to do.

I think Mishimimi's advice is the best.

Text her proactively and ask her to have both boys or babysit for an evening, in a couple of weeks time. Offer a choice of dates - when you believe that she might be free. Sit back and watch her reaction.

If she cavils or takes ages to reply, then put in place plan B. Just start to be a bit less available and reliable. Leave work early one day, pick up your son and take him out somewhere. Break the pattern.

I also think the HW point is a good one.

Yes, there are some extraordinary responses on this thread, to put it mildly, but you've dealt with them in a very gracious and dignified fashion, OP. I think you deserve some and probably too.

FWIW, I don't think you're BU at all for feeling you're being employed as unpaid childcare by someone who's using you, which is basically what's happening.

I think at that age the kids arrange things themselves. Initially she was concerned it was too much. They were younger then too, so she needed to be a bit more involved in the childcare side. Now he is 13. You said it was ok. The kids organise themselves. She has taken a step back. She doesn't need you to have him. You are not doing her a favour as such. Except for a couple of times in an emergency, which I'm sure she would reciprocate if asked.

I don't think you can blame her for a situation that she isn't aware is now a problem for you. She feels comfortable asking you as when she's asked before you've said it's fine. Ask her for some favours. Or pull back to what you feel comfortable with. You need to set the boundaries now. Parents are rarely involved at that age. The kids sort themselves out. You need to let your ds know what it is acceptable for him to agree to, and what is not.

See if you can fill the friendship gap in Your life in some other way. I rarely see other parents nowadays, when they were regularly about when the kids were younger. It is the natural progression of things when kids go to secondary school. Unless they are true friends you drift away from the ones you just happen to see through the course of your kids lives.

If you need him to go home as it is your tea time then tell your son to inform his friend this is a no, no time in future, or get him to text his mum to pick him up. It doesn't have to be a problem. You just need to set the boundaries and let your son know what these are, so he can organise his social life himself whilst respecting your boundaries.

Thanks, Hissy, a good point about the GCSE's thing. That may be one very good way to pull things back a little if necessary. I think, though, thanks to the great advice here, I now realise that though my feelings about S are at least valid, they're secondary to the importance of my son's friendship. Currently, apart from when arrangements go wrong and I have to get involved, I can't honestly say having D here puts me out in any big way, except very occasionally. I think, to be honest, it's more a case of my annoyance at how S now takes it for granted, but as others here have said, she may just not realise that I now see it this way.

I'm seriously considering asking S's help perhaps in collecting my younger son from school occasionally, so I can get home a bit later - that would at least make me feel things were more 'two-way'. If she says no, I will have 'got her number', so to speak. But, realistically, if I start to limit D coming back here as a result, it will also affect my son, so I don't plan to do that. I think it's a case of weighing up what's important here, and just biting my lip about my own irritation. However, I've certainly learned a lot from this experience and from the insights of other mumsnetters here, so I wouldn't enter into another arrangement without setting firm boundaries from the start, as you so sensibly advise!

Hello, biggles50, it's really helpful to hear of your similar experience with this kind of problem, and sorry to hear that it didn't turn out as you'd have liked. While no one likes being taken for granted, it's more complex when a child's friendship is involved, and the 'fallout' from putting your foot down can be very difficult, as in your own experience. As you say, there are really two main choices, either tolerate the situation or withdraw the favours, but the result of that may just not be worth it. Perhaps a middleway is setting more boundaries, as many mumsnetters have advised here, and that's something I'll definitely be considering if the situation changes further for the worse. But, I've really come to the conclusion that my son's friendship is more important and that's really the tradeoff.