Being used as a childcare prop to another parent's social life?

[Mrsdoyle1]

Hello, I'm sorry this is a long one but would be very grateful for some feedback/advice. I'm not sure if I'm just being a resentful, mean-spirited old biddy, or if I have genuine cause to feel used.

I'll need to use abbreviations throughout: W is my 13-year-old son, D is my son's friend and S is D's mother. Got that? Then I'll begin...with a few facts for starters:

S has a partner plus an army of childcare for D (an only child) from her ex-husband and his parents, various friends, etc. She goes away with just her partner every other weekend when D stays with her ex. We have two sons, one still at primary-school, and have never, ever had any childcare support to rely on, other than paid. So yes, I admit to being envious on that front in the current situation. However, that honestly wasn't an issue to begin with.

Now I'll try to explain the situation: D lives about 20 minutes away from the school, so our house is a convenient place closer to the school. D is dropped off here every morning to walk in with W and a few other of his friends. Initially, D started coming back here after school a few times a week, to spend time with W. W was initially invited to D's house in return (but has been there at the most 5 times in total since they became friends more than 2 years ago). At first I was just happy that W had a good friend and didn't mind. S repeatedly checked it was okay and I said it was fine because I had no idea then that she would start to abuse it. Also, she used to occasionally pop in for a quick chat and cup of tea when collecting D which was nice.

But, in recent months, I have very rarely seen her and she has started to organise her whole social life around the expectation that W can come back here, with a myraid of other people collecting him. On the few times she shows her face, she's always in too much of a rush to come in for a chat. D still only comes a couple of times a week. It's not for long and it's no great inconvenience in itself but it's the attitude behind it that I'm starting to resent. For example, when D's after school club was cancelled at the last minute, S called me to ask if he could come back here because she was at the Ideal Home show and didn't want to rush back in the traffic! Recently, she asked me to help in a minor way with arrangements for D when plans changed while she was away on a spa break with her partner (which she took great pleasure in telling me about). The change of plan didn't work and I ended up having to call her ex-mother-in-law to find out what was going on. She was pretty fed up that S was away while everyone else was running around to sort things out and to be honest, I felt exactly the same way. From the rare conversations we have, S always seems to be out lunching with a friend or at some other social event, so there's no good reason why she can't collect D on time. I always without fail have to be there after work to collect my younger son from his school. As S is currently not working, I feel she doesn't have an excuse for relying on us as a fallback for childcare so much, especially as she has so many other sources of help. Also, she hasn't invited W over for months.

AIBU to feel resentful and used? Having D is no great inconvenience and so am I just being churlish? if I say anything, I'd end up jeapordising my son's friendship which I don't want to do. On the other hand, I'd never dream of relying on someone else to prop up my social life in the way that S does, rather than just asking for help in an emergency. (I have only ever once asked another friend to collect my son from school after I lost my father and I couldn't face going to the school.) Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with the resentment?!

Babelange, thank you, that's a very good idea and could well be a good and diplomatic solution to this conundrum.

Nothing useful to add, but I do feel for you!

Yes you are being used by her. I would be annoyed at that too. The boys may well enjoy it but that isn't why she's arranged it is it - she's arranged it purely because it suits her. It has happened for so long that she has accepted it as the norm. You haven't helped though by not saying something sooner!

Sometimes there really is no straightforward answer is there.

Could you ask her straight out if the arrangement could be a bit more reciprocal?

I do kind of think they organise their own social lives at this age. If you were in a city they would probably be in and out of each other's houses, it just seems quite uneven because she doesn't live near the school. It's also upsetting that she seemed to be a friend and then dropped you, I'm just not sure if it's really worth potentially affecting your sons friendship unless it does really inconvenience you. If you would rather he didn't come on a Friday for example could you just tell your DS no friends home on a Friday as a blanket rule so you can have family time?

Oh, and aren't you lovely by the way, trying to reply to everyone in person . Hope this has a good ending for you .

Hi, Rivercam, I think you're absolutely right that I need to set a few boundaries here and do things on my own terms. Partly it's the unpredictability of it all that bothers me, even if it's only for a short time. I can't justify it, but it just makes me feel unsettled and I don't like that. I'd find it easier if I knew times and dates, so I should start setting them myself, as you suggest. At the moment, even when a collection time is given, it's usually exceeded by up to half an hour or so, which can interefere with eating times, etc. It's certainly true that I'm making life a bit too easy for S with nothing in return at the moment in terms of her offering to have my son over occasionally.

Thing is, both these boys are getting to an age where they are both going to resent having Mummy meddling in their friendships and social lives. I appreciate that you have a younger child so your head is still in the 'must be there and supervise' mode, which is perhaps why you are seeing this boy's visits as an imposition.
Unfortunately, the more you post, the more of a self-righteous, whiny martyr you are starting to sound. I get the impression that you're not so much bothered about having your son's friend visit as you are trying to work out a way of spoiling his mum's fun (snitching on her to her MIL? That was pretty cuntish!).
If you want a night out, either sort out a reciprocal arrangement with your younger child's mates' parents or pay a babysitter. Or you could even ask D's mum, who might well say yes. But slagging her off and trying to work out a few passive-aggressive tricks to stop her going anywhere is only going to make you look spiteful and put other people off being friends with you. As kids grow up, parents devote more time to their own interests, otherwise they are both smothering and likely to be lonely in the future.

I'd ask her how she would feel about your son coming for a sleepover one weekend, so that you could go away, and if she says yes, ask her to name a specific weekend and then get booking! If you push for something in return, you may feel better about it.

Why don't you organise sleepover for a younger one at some friends and also ask S to have your older son overnight.
You will soon learn how she rects to this suggestion.

I wouldn't speak to your DS about it as rivercam has suggested - it sounds like D and your DS are good pals and whilst you may have issues with his mum, I'm not sure how you would articulate the situation to your DS in a coherent fashion and what you'd achieve by doing it.

It may well be that D enjoys hanging out at your house much more than he does at home - isn't it better that you get to see your DS hanging out with his pal and having fun, rather than him being somewhere else for huge swathes of time?

It sounds as if you thought you were friends with the other DM and I get that it hurt when that was dialled back. I've had something similar happen and it still tings, I'm much more circumspect now about making friends with other DMs and I don't actually think that's a good thing.

And yes if you want to go out, make it happen. I had no choice in the end but to force the issue with Ds's first sleepover - luckily we'd already had the other boy over, but we had to go to a funeral and there was no other option. Some people have to be asked.

Theycallmemellowjello, thanks and it's looking increasingly clear that I need to be more assertive about the boundaries here, as you say. Initially, it wasn't necessary as S was reciprocating to a degree, but with time that has changed. I accept I'm partly responsible for not communicating my dissatisfaction as yet, but the change has happened over time and I'm only just really taking stock now. It's hampered by the fear of affecting my son's friendship and also trickier now to put my foot down because S's pattern of relying on me has become so firmly set this far down the line.

Perhaps, as you and others have advised here, I need to set arrangements to suit our own routine. I think that would make me feel a bit better about things. At the moment, I don't feel I have any control. On the rare occasions she phones me now regarding any changes in plan, it's always at the very last minute, when D's actually already here, so I can't say no unless Im prepared to put him on the doorstep, something which she knows all too well, I imagine!

Rivercam, you are so right! I really need to set those boundaries, don't I?...

TandemFlux, thank you, and well summed up. That's exactly it - while I never expected to be best friends, she led me to believe that she enjoyed at last popping in for the odd cup of tea when collecting her son. Despite her availability to the rest of her social contacts, she never has any time now to share such social niceties with me. I feel annoyed at how she's pretty much withdrawn any friendly contact but still expects me to always pick up the pieces when plans for her social life go awry. It's not as though we're talking about any real emergencies here to explain why she can never get to the school on time to collect D! The other thing I'm aware of is that if it didn't suit her, she'd make no effort to get my son and D together, so it's not their friendship she prioritises, it's what convenient for her at any one time.

Here is a for top quality posts.

Yanbu AND yabu. Yanbu for feeling used but yabu for not knowing what you want and for not simply telling her when you don't want her son to come over. If you don't like it then just tell her or her son that can he only come over once or twice a week.

You say she asked you to help her a couple of times, why did you agree if you didn't want to do it. It's daft!

At 13 I left it to my kids who they invited over. They would ask my permission but I didn't get involved.

Thanks, Carriemac, glad you don't think IBU. I wish just asking someone to have the boys for a night were as easy as you suggest, but when you don't have family close by (or they'd never dream of saying 'yes' in any case), and you've moved around a fair bit, finding the right people to ask just tends not to happen. At least that's how its been for us.

What is D like? Is he the sort of person you want W to have as a friend. I'm thinking that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and there is a chance he may exhibit his mother's more unfortunate traits. I hope that I am wrong.
Is D being round all the time stopping W from forming other friendships?

juliascurr, thanks and a few others have also suggested this. Perhaps it is time for me to start calling in a few of those favours, now, eh?

I have a vague theory that people with lots of help with childcare are far more likely to need childcare favours than people with no help. Because if you have no help then you only make plans once you have figured out the childcare. But if you have loads then you make a plan and then think about the childcare. At least that is my experience.....

I think that you need to make yourself feel better about the arrangement. No weekend away in 13 years?!?!? Right - do your two boys get on? Can you ask if she can have them both for a weekend! Or if not, does your younger one have a friend he could stay with and she have the older one? I think if she helped you get a weekend away then you would feel a lot happier about the situation. And if she didn't then you will be sure that she is just using and it is time to suggest your son signs up for daily swimming / football / running.....

I thunk YANBU and you have already had great advice.

Also does having him there so much impact on your son's opportunities to do his own thing and see other friends after school, or on you to make use of that time to Get Stuff Done? If so, that would be another reason to say something.

Think, indeed

quietasamouse, thanks for your very kind posts and for your wise summing up of the situation. There are indeed no easy answers, but even just knowing that INBU to feel this way is very reassuring and a big help. At least I now know that it's probably fair enough to feel like a resentful old ogre. But you're right, I should ask for things to be a bit more reciprocal, though always difficult to know how to broach these things. As someone else here wisely said, the silver lining in the current cloud is that at least my son will continue to have friends who enjoy hanging around at our place - I just need to focus on that positive thought more!

Thanks, AppleandBlackberry, you sum it up really well as do many of the other mumsnetters posting here. It's difficult with D living a fair trek away, and that's also one of the reasons why I was happy to help out originally. But now the arrangement seems to be so one-sided, I do find it annoying. But, as you say, definitely not worth upsetting my son's friendship for, so I may just have to start actively calling in a few favours to take the edge off the annoyance!

SolidGoldBrass, I'm not trying to meddle in my son's friendship, I'm trying to support it. But, as others have said here, it doesn't mean I have to put up with someone taking advantage. S started out giving the impression that she was a friend and that the arrangement with me having D was going to be at least a little reciprocal but that certainly is no longer the case. I appreciate that 13-year-olds are much more independent and supervision needs to be far less than it does for younger children, but it can still feel like an imposition when there's a lack of etiquette on the parents' side.

You're perfectly entitled to think of me as a 'self-righteous, whiny martyr' of course, but please don't jump to unfair conclusions. I'm not trying to work out a way of spoiling D's mum's fun, I just don't think she should be using me as a convenient source of free childcare around which to organise her social life. I don't think it's unnatural to resent what has now become such a one-sided arrangement. I also think it's a shame from my son's point of view that she no longer invites him over to their house.

For the record, I didn't 'snitch' on her to her MIL - S had called to tell me that the MIL was supposed to be picking up D from our house. MIL then hadn't turned up here at the time I was told to expect her and nor had D. I had no idea at that stage whether D was still waiting for MIL down at the school or whether he was making his way over here. I had to call the MIL to check that she and D had found each other and that D had been collected. In the end it was her husband who picked up D anyway. This is when it all gets complicated and I find it annoying to have to get involved. I don't want that extra responsibility and hassle around an already pressured life.

I agree that a reciprocal arrangement would be a good idea and will try to pursue this. But what I was referring to earlier was an overnight stay away for us without the boys, not just an evening out. As others have said, I should probably take the lead and start to call in favours from D's mum as she's certainly not offering any at the moment. I would certainly hope she would say 'yes'.

I don't think referring to S's current behaviour is actually slagging her off and I'm bemused at your reference to my 'passive-aggressive tricks to stop her going anywhere'. Whilst I've openly held up my hands here to confess feeling a bit envious of her freedom at times, your statement is ridiculous (and needlessly rude). S is perfectly entitled to have fun and I certainly wouldn't want to deprive her of that. But if I'm helping her to do that, then I think she should offer to reciprocate. Yes, the fault is partly mine and as others have said, I should set boundaries. It's just that when a situation changes over time, thoughts and realisations can take a while to catch up.

TendonQueen, thanks, and great idea! I just need to co-ordinate someone else being able to take our other son. Actually, do you think I could ask her to have both of them?

Thanks, antimatter - yes, that would definitely be a good way of testing the water on that front!

My DS is same age and he has a friend who comes back here from school a couple of times a week. They have done this since starting secondary school a couple of years ago. I also used to have more contact with the other boys mom eg she'd come in for a chat on collecting her DS which she doesn't
Now and will also sometimes send his older sibling round to collect but I don't see this as a problem. We had a tentative friendship for a while but as the DCs become older they want their parents involved in their lives less and, I knoe that this mom in particular is reclaiming her life after several years bringing up children. And good for her! she would never think to invite my DS to their house because in her eyes at 13 her DS will make his own arrangements. However I do know that if I needed my DS to stay overnight elsewhere for any reason she would be the first person I would ask and I know it would be fine for him to go there. I think perhaps you are expecting the same level of friendship with your DS's friends mom that you would have with a younger child but at this age it is about them gaining independence - but if you do need help ask for it! She would probably be delighted to have your DS on a sleepover but has not asked as she us assuming the boys will be initiating arrangements.

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