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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be over the moon with the way mediaton went?

126 replies

D0oinMeCleanin · 14/05/2015 08:25

I particularly enjoyed these bits

Ex: I have no problems. I don't even know why this is happening. When they said that someone was gonna be coming round I thought it was gonna be someone who'd help her with the house and that and explain that it's not good for kids to be living like this. It's making them smell.

Mediator: So what do you think you can do about the children smelling?

Ex: Confused

Mediator: Do you think if they came to your house you could wash their clothes and shower them?

Ex: Well, yeah and I do, but that's not the point is it? When they're with her they smell and they'll get bullied

Mediator: Okay, but social services have already investigated at your behest and they were happy with the way the children are cared for. Do you think the smell might be your issue?

Ex:

Mediator: So showering them and washing their clothes would be a way of dealing with that?

and

Ex: She lets them go to school all scruffy with grey shirts and holey socks and dd2 is always covered in mud and I dunno what else.

Mediator: So if you are not happy with your children's uniform what can you do about it? They are your children aren't they?

Ex: Well yeah but...

Mediator: Could you buy them new uniform if you think they need it?

Ex: Angry

He sat with a face like a slapped arse throughout the whole thing. I doubt it's gonna help with his attitude, he still insists he is right and me and the mediator are wrong but boy did I enjoy watching it Grin

OP posts:
grapejuicerocks · 14/05/2015 08:37

Sounds great if he is generally being unreasonable,

But do they smell and go to school filthy....? Is the house dirty?

Messyish house and old/worn clothes are fine - dirty not so much. Does he honestly have a point?

fortunately · 14/05/2015 08:39

Hahaha I bet!

It is nice when a third party finally backs you up and tells your ex it's not YOU its HIM... Grin

myusernameisusername · 14/05/2015 08:39

WTAF what an arse Grin my dad used to moan at my mum for keeping a smelly dirty house but he washed us at his and bought us new clothes etc etc didn't help though everything still used to smell of my mum's house but he tried his hardest your ex is just an excuse maker

startrek90 · 14/05/2015 08:41

Grape juice I assume not as SS have investigated and are ok

ChasedByBees · 14/05/2015 08:46
Grin
grapejuicerocks · 14/05/2015 08:56

I agree he should be sorting it out too.They are just as much his kids as the ops, but my point was -

Kids do get bullied and are made different if they are unkempt/smelly. It might not be to social serice removing level, but if it likely to affect them in any way at school, then the op must look honestly at whether the ex has a point. It is the responsibility of both of them to ensure the kids don't stand out at school for the wrong reasons.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/05/2015 08:57

YANBU at all, that mediator sounds like he/she has your ex sussed.

Grape presumably the allegations are nufounded is SS have investigated.

The Mediator isn't wrong either in the solutions offered.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 14/05/2015 09:04

Dd2 is often messy and unkempt but she's that kind of child. She tried to leave the house with unbrushed hair this morning. I stopped her and brushed it and tied it back. I have no doubt that by morning break she will have removed her bobbles and will look like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards (usually because she has, she hunts for woodlice in the shrubbery at school)

All other allegations are unfounded.

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 14/05/2015 09:10
Grin Is there any chance it might actually make him stop and think about things, or is that too much to hope for?
grapejuicerocks · 14/05/2015 09:11

Well in that case, good on the social worker for putting him in his place, if all he was doing was being vindictive.

I had to speak up as I have seen first hand how kids treat those who are a little bit neglected. It's not nice to see, and I've felt so sorry for those kids who are basically lovely but could do with a bit of personal grooming.

If your kids have friends, are happy for them to be invited back to your house and are generally happy, then YA definitely NBU.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 14/05/2015 09:17

No I think he's still gonna make things up. I'm working the mediator on ways to deal with this without reacting to his nastiness.

I think he was under the impression that he'd get an hour in which he could tell me what a failure I was and have a third party egg him on. This happens when he calls me on FB and in RL to people who've never met me, the children or seen the house. He was so convinced he was right.

OP posts:
Pispcina · 14/05/2015 09:37

Oh Doin I am so pleased to hear this. He really cannot see that he is obsessed with how they smell, can he?

I'm really glad that you are talking like you know he is wrong, now. Flowers

Lucyccfc · 14/05/2015 09:37

I loved the mediation session that I attended with Ex-H.

He wanted to be a Disney dad and didn't see why he had to do anything other than see DS every other weekend.

The mediator asked about school holidays and he just shrugged. He was told in no uncertain terms that holidays were both our responsibility. ex-DH said 'but I don't get 6 weeks off'. Mediator said 'No, neither does your ex-wife, so what can you do to cover the 6 weeks that are your responsibility?'.

He now takes 2 weeks holiday and pays a childminder for the other 4.

He also knows that he has to take his share of time off if DS is I'll too.

Mediation was great for us.

Pispcina · 14/05/2015 09:38

There is a back story to this btw for those worrying that the OP really lives in a filthy pit...she doesn't ....her ex has issues.

Theoretician · 14/05/2015 09:39

I suspect the mediator was laying blame in the right place, but...

Could you buy them new uniform if you think they need it?

Now for me, it is one person or the other's job to buy the uniform, it shouldn't be a case of whoever snaps first/cares more about the children being scruffy. So I hope the mediator was saying this from a position of knowing that he was not living up to his financial obligations.

Although maybe this really just a question of whose standards of adequate provision should apply.

If it's her job to buy clothes, and he bought uniforms, should he be entitled to deduct that from support payments? (I would say no: RP is in charge of deciding spending priorities.)

hillyhilly · 14/05/2015 09:46

Good for you doin, how are girls these days? I seem to remember it was leading to some ocd behaviour from them, can you relay what was said in the mediators session to them to ensure that it is not them but him?

petalsandstars · 14/05/2015 09:55

Great that it went your way. You obviously didn't get a new patio then and he's back in his own place now.

flora717 · 14/05/2015 10:05

Glad he got a wake up call. I remember some of this (my ex did the make stuff up to SS, it made me angry and laugh by turns). Flowers I hope the mediation is effective.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 14/05/2015 10:09

Dd1 is doing a bit better, hilly. She still washes her uniform daily but has stopped washing her bag and coat daily. She's still very fussy about her uniform and I have constant (as in sometimes weekly) requests to replace socks and shirts that look fine to me but she fusses about because it's not as white or her socks are snagged.

She's stopped washing clean clothes and if her friends call on her unexpectedly she can just leave the house without having to arrange to meet them later and then put a fast wash on.

Theo, the mediator pointed out that if he has higher standards than me regarding the whiteness of socks and shirts it is his responsibility to keep the socks and shirts as white as he'd like, he cannot project his standards onto me and expect me to pay for things if I think their uniform is fine, providing that they are dressed appropriately for the weather.

This is all done with a CAF report in the background btw, clearly stating that the house is in a suitable condition for children and the children are reported by the school to be dressed appropriately and are clean and tidy in their appearance.

We have another session on Tuesday.

OP posts:
startrek90 · 14/05/2015 10:19

Keep doing what you are doing OP give the man enough rope and let him hang himself. I hope your children will be ok though... Giving them his issues is not on.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/05/2015 10:27

mine have their teeth brushed, hair brushed and clean uniform every day... they still look tlike they have been dragged through a hedge backwards by the time they leave the front door.

don't hold your breath waiting for the new uniform.

Morelikeguidelines · 14/05/2015 10:34

Yes, blackeyedsusan mine too! And the school dresses come back from school with permanent paint stains on that won't come out with washing. I don't replace them for a faint mark! My friend who has be very high standards generally and is terrific mum didn't replace for small rips on the dress because it will soon happen again anyway!

Back to the point - glad your ex is being told op, and sorry to here dd has had such problems as a result. Flowers

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 14/05/2015 10:35

Agree with grape on smell issue. I was a "smelly" kid and was bullied. We lived in this old wooden house and our clothes had this damp smell on them. There was nothing we could do about it, so had to suck it up.
However, I don't think op's kids are necessarily experiencing the same thing and believe that ex is just being an ex.
Good session, op. Grin

Tokelau · 14/05/2015 10:39

What does he say that they smell of? Sweat, dirt, smoke? What an odd man. Is this the one who broke both arms and thought that you would look after him? Or am I mixing you up with someone else?

mrsallergy · 14/05/2015 10:46

Hope my mediator/ judge is as switched on as yours OP. My ex is the same - constantly telling you how crap you are whilst doing absolutely nothing to help.