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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be over the moon with the way mediaton went?

126 replies

D0oinMeCleanin · 14/05/2015 08:25

I particularly enjoyed these bits

Ex: I have no problems. I don't even know why this is happening. When they said that someone was gonna be coming round I thought it was gonna be someone who'd help her with the house and that and explain that it's not good for kids to be living like this. It's making them smell.

Mediator: So what do you think you can do about the children smelling?

Ex: Confused

Mediator: Do you think if they came to your house you could wash their clothes and shower them?

Ex: Well, yeah and I do, but that's not the point is it? When they're with her they smell and they'll get bullied

Mediator: Okay, but social services have already investigated at your behest and they were happy with the way the children are cared for. Do you think the smell might be your issue?

Ex:

Mediator: So showering them and washing their clothes would be a way of dealing with that?

and

Ex: She lets them go to school all scruffy with grey shirts and holey socks and dd2 is always covered in mud and I dunno what else.

Mediator: So if you are not happy with your children's uniform what can you do about it? They are your children aren't they?

Ex: Well yeah but...

Mediator: Could you buy them new uniform if you think they need it?

Ex: Angry

He sat with a face like a slapped arse throughout the whole thing. I doubt it's gonna help with his attitude, he still insists he is right and me and the mediator are wrong but boy did I enjoy watching it Grin

OP posts:
grapejuicerocks · 14/05/2015 10:55

I'm glad that dd is getting over the OCD washing thing.
Now I must rack my brains to think where she got that particular issue from...

I recognised you name op, but obviously didn't know the back story. No wonder you were over the moon. Sorry for doubting you earlier.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 14/05/2015 10:58

We have pet rats Tokelau. He despises them and was most unhappy when I "disobeyed him" (his words) and went and bought them anyway.

He says the children smell of rats, although recently this has changed to "rotten animal smell" as opposed to just rats.

No one else can smell the rats and the CAF did look into them, we both a got a copy which read "The children have pet rats in their room. I had a look at these rats, they appeared to be kept in a clean environment and although there was a slight odour close to the cages this smell was not over powering. Mum advised that the pets are cleaned twice a week and the children help. The children have reported, when asked, that they enjoy the rats and that the rats do not keep them awake at night. Mum said the pet rats have adjusted to the children's hours and are most active in the afternoon when the children come home and play with them"

Dd1 is very much affected by his issues but is having counseling once a fortnight now and seems to be feeling a bit better. I suspect she has now talked to one of her friends about what she is feeling as this friend spontaneously started commenting on nice smells in our house, such as "Your mum's just cleaned the bathroom hasn't she? I can smell bleach. My mum uses too much bleach too" Or "That cat litter smells fresh, what kind is it so we can get some? Ours doesn't smell of anything"

Dd2 seems to just agree with him either to get him to stop or to please him. I'm not sure which. It was mentioned last night that when he asked her about her top being so dirty she told him I hadn't washed it for three weeks. She'd gotten that top out of the dryer because she "didn't have time" to go upstairs and ironed clothes from her drawer. It was white before she started shimmying up trees and rolling down banks in the park. I didn't change her before contact. She went straight from the park to Ex's.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 14/05/2015 11:10

I have followed you threads for a few years now, D0in (not obsessively, just when I see one) and you have come so far with this man. You are amazing!

Anyway, maybe I am misremembering, here, but doesn't he live in a shit tip, that gets sluiced out cleaned up, when it gets too awful by [insert name of female relative here]?

fuzzywuzzy · 14/05/2015 11:20

Both mine used to do the completely agreeing with twatface thing, they did it because they were scared of him & his reaction. It got so bad that near the end my youngest stopped speaking and would spend the (supported) contact sat under the table because he just kept criticising them all thro the sessions.

It's abuse. Which the judge recognised and he now has no direct contact with the children. Thankfully as eldest was exhibiting very disturbed behaviour and vomiting before contact and crying leading up to it and suffering from stomach aches which the paed found to be psychosomatic. Was horrendous.

I utterly sympathise with you OP

BitOfFun · 14/05/2015 12:33

I, too, think you're amazing. Amazingly determined to never listen to anybody and to always be right. Perhaps you'd be better off focussing on the hygiene of your home and the effect it is obviously having on your kids than trying to score points off your ex?

Fudgeface123 · 14/05/2015 12:51

Wow BitOfFun what a nasty post. Are you the ex?

Fudgeface123 · 14/05/2015 12:51

Wow BitOfFun what a nasty post. Are you the ex?

Pispcina · 14/05/2015 12:54

What's the craic BOF? That sounds extremely uncalled for unless you are party to information no one else has here.

Justusemyname · 14/05/2015 13:00

Hmm

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/05/2015 13:00

Dunno
You have a lot of animals including dogs, you don't keep on top of housework, your DD is obsessive about washing, is there any truth in it?
There is a long old history of this poster making bad choices about her kids and ex and not listening to advice which is probably where that comment came from.
Whoever mentioned the broken arms - op volunteered to look after him, he didn't expect her to unreasonably.

Pispcina · 14/05/2015 13:20

Right, so someone posts a rude message on here with allusions to the OP not being truthful, then fucks off leaving people unsure what was meant and how to approach the thread.

It's basically shut it down, and is going to cause gossip, drama and upset.

Good job . What an incredibly snide and bitchy thing to do.

I hope you won't mind therefore if I report it, BOF, before it does any further damage.

I am NOTHING to do with the OP btw.

BitOfFun · 14/05/2015 13:25

Yes Ehric, that's exactly what I mean. I'm not party to anything but what the OP has posted for YEARS (although lots of the threads get deleted because they turn into bunfights). The kids sound anxious and unhappy, and while people are prepared to pat Dooin on the back and cheer her on in this bizarre ongoing feud with the ex, they are clearly slipping through the gaps and whatever needs to be done isn't happening. I expect Dooin will get very defensive at this point, if this thread goes the way of all the others, but I find it pretty shocking that MN supplies such a ready pool of cheerleaders when there's obviously a LOT going on in the background that we are not seeing.

Meh- maybe I've got out of the wrong side of bed, but I just feel I've heard this all before, and the kids in the middle of it are obviously struggling.

BitOfFun · 14/05/2015 13:27

Eh? There's nothing snide or bitchy about it- excuse my typing speed Hmm.

Pispcina · 14/05/2015 13:27

It took you an HOUR to type that?

BitOfFun · 14/05/2015 13:29

Clearly not. I don't keep hitting F5 like a sea lion though.

BitOfFun · 14/05/2015 13:30

It probably took me ten minutes though- the last post I saw before I wrote that one was Ehric's.

Icimoi · 14/05/2015 13:31

BOF, if social services say the house is OK and the school say the children are clean and tidy and don't smell, why do you think you know better?

BitOfFun · 14/05/2015 13:37

I don't know any more than what I've seen posted over years, and it's clear there are concerns which aren't helped by stoking this petty feud with the ex.

Still, I'll leave you all to it. I'm sure Dooin will explain why nothing is wrong at great length.

mummytime · 14/05/2015 13:46

BitOfFun - what is the point in you posting here?
If you from "years" of reading the OPs posts are genuinely worried - then surely you are relieved that SS are involved? Maybe you should just hide her posts and stay out (maybe hope or pray or whatever that something changes)?

Otherwise why do you think you have a better insight into the reality of the OP's home than SS who have visited etc?

But if nothing is wrong, then you like her ex are just criticising someone, when there is nothing to criticise, and undermining her. This will only lead to more issues for her children.

Justusemyname · 14/05/2015 13:59

Why should she hide? It's a public forum. Every single one of us who posts here is inviting comment. Too much dumbing down, pandering to twats, not speaking out when needed goes on in society as well as on here.

People need help. People need guidance and support. Some posters go about it in a different way to you, doesn't mean they are wrong.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 14/05/2015 14:04

Oh, come on, mummytime.

The OP posted asking about this situation. Patently, there's a lot of worries - the fact SS have signed off proves they've signed off. I doubt most people are rejoicing at the idea SS thinks they're an ok parent: it's a minimum, isn't it?

I do think it sounds difficult, and the DD is clearly not in a good place between her dad's pretty appallingly lazy attitude and whatever is going on with cleanness in the home.

I don't follow why she shouldn't expect clean clothes every day - obviously washing her coat and bag daily isn't normal and it must be a relief the OP's got her to calm down about that. But honestly, there's nothing odd about a wanting a clean dress, especially if she's old enough (?) to be maybe getting a bit sweaty and perhaps not used to managing that like an adult.

Pispcina · 14/05/2015 14:04

I think you fail to see the wider point here BOF.

There are some people who feel bound to justify themselves, a great deal, to people who criticise them, and possibly to others as well.

This doesn't indicate an issue they are covering up. It indicates that they feel bound to justify themselves - for whatever reason, be that anxiety, low self esteem or whatever.

When this sort of person meets someone who is naturally very critical, perhaps to an irrational degree, or delusional, or just plain abusive, the justifying person may well get caught in a trap of having to constantly check they are NOT doing something wrong, which the abusive/obsessional person is accusing them of. (a bit like when you start a thread in aibu and it gets derailed and you have to keep coming back to try and explain/rebut stuff - but it never improves things much)

The basis of the problem lies with the obsessional or abusive person - not the justifier. It can become a co dependent situation however this can be sorted out by the justifier detaching from the abuser, which is actually what I think is happening here and has already happened to an extent. She is no longer seeking to justify everything to him. She can see that he is irrational.

Massive progress has been made.

Sorry to speak about you Doin, but I can't think of any other way to tell BOF how wrong she is by making the casual assumptions she is making here. I hope my own assumptions are more or less correct.

thelastflame · 14/05/2015 14:06

Oh, I recognise your name.

He's your ex now? Bloody well done!!

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 14/05/2015 14:12

Yes, we have a lot of a pets, including two dogs and they can be a lot of work at times but my enjoyment of them outweighs the work they cause me. I don't believe I've ever posted anything about struggling with housework, with the exception of a recent thread, in which I mentioned that the house was not as tidy as usual because I was struggling with a recent bereavement and dd1 had been up being sick half the night and that ex had commented on it and expressed concern that SS would become involved, he was not concerned enough to contact them again, nor to offer to help.

That thread should still be in chat somewhere, it was only a few weeks ago.

My house is fairly normal as far as cleanliness goes, imo anyway. It's sometimes very tidy, sometimes a bit messy and sometimes in need of a good declutter but usually fairly clean. I'm never worried about letting in visitors.

I am working with a family separation adviser (who was the one mediating) to help me improve communication with ex and reduce any tension between us. This started at my request. My only "feud" with him is his constant, unrelenting criticism of me to the children and via messages to myself and dd1 and his treatment of dd1, his attitude towards dd1 to be completely fair to him has improved since we started working the separation service.

I have a lot of people in and out of my house, including the children's friends, someone from the school regarding dd2's progress (she sometimes struggles and is borderline SEN, we have a lot of meetings regarding supporting her learning both inside and outside of school) the CAF worker and the family separation worker, along with my own family, no one but my ex has ever mentioned that they have an issue with my house keeping, including dd1.

I'm not sure what concerns you have BOF but I'd be happy to respond to them?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/05/2015 14:14

I agree with BOF

On the whole, I think the OP and her ex are constantly point scoring, the kids are caught in the middle and clearly suffering.

Yet the constant drama and publicly played out arguments seem to continue.

The ex is always in the wrong no matter what, and I think a lot of MNetters seem to forget that the OP's version of events is hardly likely to be unbiased.

But there you go.