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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH I hate oral sex?

35 replies

thatsthewayitgoes · 13/05/2015 22:05

I know I'm letting myself in for a barage of abuse but I really don't like it and haven't for years. Not done it for years but DH pushed it tonight so I told him. He's really upset but I really don't like anything about it. AIBU? (Takes deep breath)

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 13/05/2015 22:06

Why would you be in for a barrage of abuse? Confused

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 22:06

Giving or receiving? I don't much like receiving, don't mind giving.

MaryBerrysLostCherry · 13/05/2015 22:07

No.

Original poster
thatsthewayitgoes · 13/05/2015 22:08

Giving and receiving. He's really upset that he's never going to give/get it again.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 13/05/2015 22:08

It doesn't matter, does it, addstudentdinners2?

Sallystyle · 13/05/2015 22:09

I love love love giving.

Don't care if I never receive again.

CtrlAltDelicious · 13/05/2015 22:12

With respect, it doesn't matter whether anyone here likes giving, receiving, whatever. The OP doesn't and has quite rightly said so. Doing sexual acts you really don't want to be doing is incredibly damaging. Well done, OP, hope you're ok.

TheHappinessTrap · 13/05/2015 22:13

In the same op, not into it either way. I struggled on for a long time not being honest with myself or my then partner. I cane out with it finally when I was about 32/33. The divorce wasn't due to that bit I can assure you I was upfront in future relationships that oral was not on the cards!

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 22:13

Well no it doesn't matter, it was just my first thiught :)

But no YANBU to refuse to do something sexual you're not comfortable with, that's completely your choice.

AmyElliotDunne · 13/05/2015 22:15

Bit much to say you hate it if it's something you've done previously. Not very sensitive if that's how you put it. Can't you tell him all the things you do like?

Fwiw, I don't like receiving but happily give all day long. If my DP suddenly told me he'd hated it every time I'd done it I'd feel really hurt, like he'd been lying all along.

If he also told me he was never going to do one of the wonderful things he does for me I'd also be gutted.

I know its all "your body your choice" and that, but in a partnership I think there's room for a bit of give and take.

Do you know why you're so dead set against it OP?

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/05/2015 22:16

of course Yanbu. You should never have to give or receive anything you don't want to.

sex, all parts of sex should be consensual and have both partners happy to participate. never ever allow yourself to be guilted into things.

I hope your ok op Flowers

agilevangelista · 13/05/2015 22:16

it depends. what don't you like?
if is giving I had bad experiences as a child and it has taken my dh many years to the point where I want to do it he never asks I volunteer. dh would go down on me many times a day which I don't want but when we do its either wonderful or I'm not in that mood so he gives me a few kisses then we do other stuff. why don't you like it? hate is a strong word I'm indifferent.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 13/05/2015 22:21

Not that keen myself either so totally get where you're coming from! So YANBU, however, your DH is also NBU to be hurt at this development (as long as he doesn't 'pish' the issue). Can you explore together to find alternative mutually enjoyable ways to enjoy each others bodies?

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 13/05/2015 22:21

push!

Original poster
thatsthewayitgoes · 13/05/2015 22:22

I don't know why I don't like it- no bad previous experience or anything- just really find it gross. I gag when giving and feel completely self conscious and waiting for it to be over when receiving. We haven't done it for years but think he thought that if he waited and gave me time things would change. They haven't for me. I feel really sad as I know how upset he is. Our sex love is fairly shit as my libido is very low. Been to GP had counselling etc but it hasn't changed much. I can just about manage sex but oral sex is pushing it for me. Feel like such a bad wife. He is so lovely but this isn't what he signed up for Hmm

OP posts:
travertine · 13/05/2015 22:24

It's irrelevant why she's so dead against. If she doesn't want to then she doesn't want to. and you can say you hate something even if you have done it previously. I agree with the give and take bit but I wouldn't get any satisfaction if my partner was giving because he had received rather than because he wanted to but I see where you're coming from Smile

StrongAsAnOx · 13/05/2015 22:29

thatthewayitgoes give yourself a break. You were honest. You are honest. Find other ways to express your love for your husband. I don't remember oral sex being part of the 'good wife' job description. But being kind and loving and journeying together are part of successful marriage.

SeekingTheSun15 · 13/05/2015 22:29

Whilst you have every right to sexual autonomy, I'd be very hurt if DH suddenly told me that he'd hated all those times I'd performed oral sex on him. If he said he wasn't keen on giving then that's fine, I would never want him to do anything he didn't want to, sexually. Nor would I ever insist on giving if he told me he didn't enjoy that either. However, I'd be most upset that he'd allowed me to do it for so long without telling me. That's not the way to conduct a loving sexual relationship IMO.

SeekingTheSun15 · 13/05/2015 22:32

Sorry, I should have made clear that you shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting it. Absolutely not and it doesn't matter your reasons. I'd just be upset that it wasn't mentioned at the start of my relationship.

arsenaltilidie · 13/05/2015 22:49

Seems they are deep issues.
Maybe you are not attracted to him anymore?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/05/2015 03:42

Would you prefer to have a higher libido?

Aren't there hormonal treatment you could try, or do you not want to go down this road?

Jackieharris · 14/05/2015 06:07

this isn't what he signed up for

This is a very troubling phrase to use.

A marriage certificate isn't 'signing up for the right to be sexually serviced'.

You are not a machine.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/05/2015 06:19

This would trouble me if I'm honest. If dh said that to me I would be very hurt that the years we had been doing it he had hated it, and also that that door was now shut in my face and that was that. No more. A bit like being told you can eat sweets but never have any chocolate again. Or you can go on holidays but not on a beach again.

It is absolutely your body, your choice, no one should do anything they don't want to, but a sex life does involve two people. I don't know what should happen. I guess he'll just have to accept it.

NRomanoff · 14/05/2015 06:54

I understand you not wanting to and that's absolutely ok. I understand him being upset.

I understand the 'its not what he signed up for' comment. A lack of sex in a relationship it can be difficult for both men and women. The question is (leaving oral sex out of the equation) do you want to change the situation with your libido?

FayKorgasm · 14/05/2015 07:02

Don't feel bad OP, you are perfectly entitled to like or not like oral sex. If your dh can't accept this then that is a big problem.