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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if for your honest view on regretting having or not having that third child?

104 replies

suddenlycupishalffull · 13/05/2015 13:44

...I am genuinely torn over it...DS is 4, DS2 is 17 months...DH is enjoying 'getting our lives back' & the thought of another baby fills him with dread...we have 2 healthy, happy DC & I was fine during pregnancy & childbirth & he stresses we need to be grateful for that, which of course we do...but I see their childhoods already going so quickly (eldest starting big school in September, youngest already a toddler & no longer a baby) and don't feel really to let that go yet, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life without a doubt. Practically, it's not the right thing to do...I have no local family help, I suffered post-natal anxiety with both & don't like the chaos that lots of children brings...when I think of their futures, I hope we could take them on holidays, spend quality time with both, all of which DH says we will struggle to do with a 3rd child in the mix....and yet...my small family is not close at all and for various reasons I don't have a relationship with my relations (grandparents, aunts, cousins etc), I'd like something different for DC, I don't think a small family necessarily leads to happiness for children, I felt very isolated and alone at times. So...AIBU to ask whether you honestly have regretting having that 3rd child or regret having not gone for it?

OP posts:
LinesThatICouldntChange · 13/05/2015 19:44

We have 3 and always planned for 3. Theyre grown up now, and it's been great. Having said that, I popped them out quickly, within 4 and a half years, so we've gone through each phase as a family. Having had friends who've had a large gap before the 3rd (or even 4th!) I think that can be a different story... I would hate to be having to watch a toddler while trying to do things or just chill with the older ones; I just found it easier to meet their needs and give them attention with them being a similar stages. Financially it's been tough in some ways- I always worked so we had multiple nursery fees when they were little, and then multiple uni costs later! But I wouldn't change it for the world. Having said that, if you and your DH decide to stick at two then you won't be any less happy - it's not the quantity of children which makes for a happy family

BeaufortBelle · 13/05/2015 19:49

How old are you and your dh?

Original poster
suddenlycupishalffull · 13/05/2015 20:03

I agree I can imagine you would never regret the child themselves, but I'm wondering about regretting the change to your existing lifestyle that number 3 brings...interesting that a number of people have said 2 to 3 wasn't that big of a change. Also the dynamics of 3 intrigues me because it's not something I know at all - some people have said it works really well, some that 1 gets left out, perhaps it just depends on the mix of personalities.

Jackie that is an issue for me, I have no school age children yet so I have literally no clue about the demands of a 10 year old, a 15 year old, a 20 year old...I just don't know what the lives of kids that age is like these days, I only know about the demands of 2 under 4!

Also, I'm trying to work out if it's the baby thing I want again, in which case we should stick at 2 because ofcourse the baby phase doesn't last!

Any yes agreed that me & DH need to agree on this. Unless he says yes, we will be stopping at 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
suddenlycupishalffull · 13/05/2015 20:13

fivehundred I'm so sorry I've just seen your post Flowers

I'm 34 and DH 33.

OP posts:
Totality22 · 13/05/2015 20:16

For us everything dictates we should only have two.

My age, my career, our finances, the space in our home (2 children already share and we won't be moving for 5+ years) not least the fact that even the thought of another child fills me with dread.

YET I cannot bare to rule it out completely.

I still have a bit of time and a lottery win could happen

juneau · 13/05/2015 20:23

I think if you have 3 you have to have them close together.

Yes, I agree with this. We never wanted three, although I did briefly daydream about it when DS2 was a baby, but I think if we'd wanted three we'd have cracked on and had them. As we only wanted two we felt able to do it in a more leisurely manner.

I think in the end it boils down to:

  1. Will you regret NOT having a third?
  2. Are you the kind of person who knows you can muddle through? For me, this absolutely is not the case - the two I have drive me bonkers and a third would send me to the looney bin. Ideally, I like peace and quiet and things to be tidy!
  3. Are you both 100% on board with the idea of a third? I think if one is pushing it and then something goes wrong there is huge potential for resentment.
  4. Can you afford it? I think it would be much easier to regret a third if it tips you over the edge financially and means a constant struggle and going without things you could've afforded if you'd stuck with two.
thelastflame · 13/05/2015 20:38

Debated a third for a while.

Absolutely delighted we stuck at two, especially now they're older and the homework/extra curricular/play date stuff has all kicked in.

BeaufortBelle · 13/05/2015 21:00

hmm. I had my first at 34.5, 2nd at 37 and third at 38. I had three children but only two survived. I also had two miscarriages in the 2nd trimester. I was very very lucky that my third child arrived 51 weeks after my second died (he had a serious congenital heart condition incompatible with life). We wanted three or four children. I didn't have the courage to try again my DH wanted to. It is the only thing in my life I have ever regretted.

Having said that we could easily have afforded three or even four but it would have meant that I wouldn't have gone back to work again and I would have regretted that. I am torn.

.........................but I wish I had had the courage to try.

DragonMamma · 13/05/2015 21:16

I'm one of 2 and dh is one of 4. I always thought I'd have 3 for some reason.

We have a 7 and 4yo and life is just starting to get that much easier on a day to day basis - they can entertain themselves when needed and I enjoy their company much more than ever.

I seriously debated a third until recently when I realised that I would be spread too thinly and financially things would be tight. Now DD (7) is older, the cost of hobbies is creeping up and costs us a fair bit. DS has started a class and I would imagine that cost will also go up. Then there's the after school care, holiday care etc. It's so expensive I can't imagine how we'd afford a third.

DH was really keen on a third having come from a bigger family but even he agrees that sticking with 2 is the right decision for us.

If I had unlimited time and money I would have definitely had at least one more.

drinkscabinet · 13/05/2015 21:25

We've got 3. DH is one of three, I'm one of four and we agreed from the beginning we wanted three. We had them fairly late so had them close together (3 under 5 for a while). We've had no desire for a fourth at all. There are times when it's been hard (DS2 was born prematurely a few days after DD1 started school) and the cost of childcare was 25 % of our take home income for a while (no family close by so wrap around care x2 plus nursery for an under three). Each child has taken its hit on our relationship but we've been together 20 years now so a grumpy patch with a recognised cause (child related lack of sleep) is manageable and things are getting better again now DS is housetrained.

But they are such a gang in a way that two can never be, and having grown up in a close big family I couldn't deny my children the opportunity to have the sibling relationships DH and I have had, nothing compares. We live in the north and at the DCs school there seems to as many families of three as two, and more fours than only children so my kids are 'normal', you have to have 4+ to be considered a large family. From our friends who still live in the south it would seem to be more of an issue.

Haggismcbaggis · 13/05/2015 21:29

Never. Not for one second. She's a total joy.

maroonedwithfour · 13/05/2015 21:37

I have 4. I don't regret any of them. although at times think 4 puppies would have been more sensible!

My third is a charm. Throughly enjoyed her as a baby and shes a cutie now at 6. I found dc4 a bit harder, I think I was just so done with the baby stage by then! I love him to bits and enjoy him more now he goes to nursery a couple of dats a week!

QuinoaLenghi · 13/05/2015 21:43

We could not decide about whether to have number three and I started a thread like this several times. Both DH and I had all the reservations in your OP but yet we could not let the idea go. We eventually went for it and DC3 was born when the older two were 6 and 4.

Overall its been amazing. We feel complete. Our family feels like a real team. The love between the kids is a delight to watch. They marayde about making each other howl with laughter and I stare at the three of them and think "I cannot believe I created that!" I love the warm loving chaos of our home.

I used the word 'chaos' in the last sentence deliberately because that is the only downside. Our lives were ordered, now they are chaos. We live in a messier house than I would like. Sometimes I fail to do homework with the older DCs. Sometimes I have to go to bed at 8pm because I am so tired. Sometimes I have a few hours with only two and I realise how easy life could have been!

But do I regret it? Not for a second.

Momagain1 · 13/05/2015 21:45

I had 2. Two is nice. Two travel easily. Two fit nicely, if same gender, into two bedroomed homes, at least until the teen years. Maybe even then with a really big room.

Years and years later, we had a third (dh's first). who is, essentially, an only child. A very different issue than yours. 1 is a very different thing. Even if he had come along earlier and was more their age peer, he still would have complicated much, requiring a larger car, house, years more chilminding and daycare.

2 is nice.

MaryBerrysLostCherry · 13/05/2015 21:48

I have two, 6 and 4 with barely a two year gap. Dd has minor health issues which were diagnosed at 3.5, I worry DS will also have them. They are not serious but the stress caused. As they are both in school it's easier in so many ways but in the next 6 weeks I have two sports days, end of year concert, observation days, induction days. I work 3 days a week and they want us to be there for these things and we can't do all. And that's just two children. I think when they are little they need someone. When they get older they need mummy or daddy. DH got the snip. Thank god.

maroonedwithfour · 13/05/2015 21:50

Yy @ Quino the tiredness, i'm beyond tired right now. I nap when ds naps most days and often sleep a school day when hes at nursery.

tinymeteor · 13/05/2015 21:54

I'm one of three, close in age. Love my siblings to death, but boy was it hard work for the parents. Can't see myself having more than 2 - the baby phase would fill a decade otherwise...

Having more kids isn't the only way to have the benefits of a large bustling family btw. Your two will be school age soon and making friends. You can choose to be the kind of parent who has an open door to their mates as they grow up, who invites other parents round for dinner, who gives lifts, lends an ear and generally takes an interest in kids beyond your nuclear unit. All of which will probably be easier if you don't have3 and no room left in the car and your lives!

chickenfuckingpox · 13/05/2015 22:07

before i had him i couldnt imagine life with him now ive got him i couldnt imagine life without him

HTH Grin

propelusagain · 13/05/2015 22:08

I am so glad I stopped at 2. Now they are teenagers they need so much support- and a great deal of money, especially with University looming.

Dublinlass · 13/05/2015 22:44

I have four but had decided to stop at two. Had two lovely daughters, and v happy with life...then I accidentally became pregnant with twins so never got to experience the third child. Wouldn't change it but big big shock to system!!

Kiwiinkits · 13/05/2015 22:52

I am pg with number 3. DH was VERY keen on a third and I still feel he pushed me into it. I am quite reluctant to have this baby as I don't want the extra work - we are already very busy people with lots going on in our lives. I don't enjoy "chaos" or "mess" and we have a very happy family life with just two kids TBH. But what's done is done.

Kiwiinkits · 13/05/2015 22:53

(That said, my other two children are hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me so I'm sure the new baby will be very loved when he/she arrives)

Kiwiinkits · 13/05/2015 22:54

Still regretting taking out my IUD. Was out for about two days. Wham, pregnant.

DarylDixonsDarlin · 13/05/2015 23:00

DH and I are both one of 3, and we'd always just assumed we'd have 3 DC. There are 2 and a half years between our elder two, and 3 and a half years between the middle and the youngest.

She is now 2 and a half, we have zero desire for anymore DC, and I'm only just emerging from the fog which has been the last couple of years Confused we love her to bits and she is a bloody amazing human being, buy my goodness does she make life hard sometimes. I feel trapped and burdened a lot of the time in my day to day life, and I am positive I wouldn't feel like this if we hadn't gone ahead with a third.

But on the other hand, I'd have been back to work by now, older ones at school, hoping for a happy accident which would bring about the third baby - the longing wouldn't have gone away until I am past my fertile years, I'm certain of that.

Only you know whether the feeling will wear off or not tbh.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 13/05/2015 23:03

My exH wanted a third child but I didn't. I had horrible pregnancies and long, difficult labours which took weeks to recover from. I've never regretted my decision, especially when I've seen how exhausted the parents look during the school run when they have a newborn to get ready along with their older DC.

Op, start adding up the cost of 3 sets of secondary school uniform (including sports kits) and that will soon put you off!