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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel about this?

110 replies

WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 13:14

My DD, aged 8, is good friends with P. She was at P's house recently for the day, and P's parents were both there.

When DD came home, she was laughing about a hide-and-seek game they played with P's dad. The girls were hiding, and in trying to make them giggle (so that he could find them) he called out "I've pulled my trousers down and everyone can see my pants".

I may be over-reacting but a little alarm bell is going off in my head... I think an adult joking with little girls about his trousers being down, and making it sound normal and funny and harmless, is just a bit odd.

What makes it awkward also is, having a sleepover at some stage was mentioned recently and I was fine with it, but now I feel quite uncomfortable about the whole idea.

What do you think? Am I over-thinking this or do you find it a bit strange?

OP posts:
BeeRayKay · 12/05/2015 16:17

God this thread makes me so sad.

I can remember being 14 and playing with my friends dad. With my friend. And him saying stuff like that. and do you know what? some of them are the happiest memories of my childhood.

Im so glad I'm not a male.

In my house our 5nearly 6 year old thinks it hilarious if anything about bums/trumps/pants are mentioned. And long may it continue.

ApplePaltrow · 12/05/2015 16:21

If a man had made the same joke in the workplace, mumsnet would be telling you to call a union.

OP- ignore the people insulting you, they pride themselves in being anti-daily mail which means pedophiles aren't allowed to exist Smile

That is exactly the kind of comment that would worry me but only because my friend's dad would make jokes like that and it escalated to flashing us. Unfortunately all my parents did was ban us from going around but I'm pretty sure he abused his own daughter.

If responsible adults would stop joking about underwear with young kids then it really would help us flush out the bad ones.

Also, the worst that can happen is that you are right. Being wrong is not the worst by a long shot.

JockTamsonsBairns · 12/05/2015 16:25

I'm not a 'paedophile round every corner' type of parent at all, but, actually, I find his comment quite inappropriate too. Fine within the confines of his own family, if that's what makes them laugh - but I'm surprised that any grown adult would come out with this to a visiting 8yo girl.

Also, as a minor aside, I have a 5yo who thinks pants, bums, farts etc are the funniest thing ever. I also have an 8yo who has friends round regularly - the toilet humour is long passed, and would be mortified if Dh said anything like this as a joke.

Dr0pThePirate · 12/05/2015 16:32

Then I guess this thread just highlights that we don't know who is secretly dangerous.

I just hate the thought that innocent people could have suspicion brought against them for a joke Sad. However I don't think I know how to keep my children safe in other peoples homes. I really have no idea.

Now I feel paranoid Confused

fiveacres · 12/05/2015 16:33

Yup, my DS also wouldn't find pants funny.

I also don't play with his friends when they come round, I've no idea if that's right or wrong. I'll kick a ball to them but not an actual 'game'.

ApplePaltrow · 12/05/2015 16:33

Also isn't it clear that the good old days weren't that good? God, how many scandals will it take? People seem to accept rape is really widespread (and of course on mumsnet every relationship is abusive and every man is an abuser Hmm) yet it's the same statistics that count child molestation but apparently that doesn't exist and we long for the good old days of Jimmy Savile where men could rape children with impunity.

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 16:41

I'm certainly not branding him as a paedophile, and I'm not jumping to that conclusion. But as fiveacres said, I also don't want to jump to the conclusion that it's completely harmless. I just feel that it was a bit inappropriate and am feeling cautious.

I wear my seat belt every time I go out in the car - I don't constantly think I'm gong to be in an accident - but if I was, the consequence of not wearing it would be catastrophic. I see this as being comparable, if that helps the people who think I'm over-reacting to understand my concern.

I know kids love toilet humour, of course I do, but I'm not familiar with adults joining in with it!

OP posts:
MNpostingbot · 12/05/2015 16:50

Fiveacres, whilst I appreciate and agree with the point you are making, there is not "literally a pedophile around every corner" that would mean there around 20000 in my provincial town alone

It's a tough one for me this OP, my instinct is that the dad was just daft and misguided but you are absolutely not wrong to ask yourself the question.

I'm one of the daftest, clowning around parents you'll meet. but I just wouldn't go there on pants jokes with a friend of my daughter. Maybe it's bad that society has got to that, but I'd rather be cautious than be misconstrued as a pedophile.

i probably wouldn't say anything to the parent though, but I'd have my ears and eyes open to anything else along those lines. At 8 DD should be old enough to understand the boundaries, that NSPCC guide is very useful and it probably wouldn't hurt to go through it with DD

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 17:17

I'm definitely not going to say anything to either of the parents - as floaty said earlier, it's completely pointless. If there's something dodgy they'll obviously deny it, and if it's completely innocent I'll look like a nutter.

And I haven't said anything to any friends, and won't be.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 12/05/2015 17:33

That's odd.... Was he hoping they would reciprocate?

Obviously not. There's no suggestion whatsoever that he had actually done it, or that he was trying to do anything more than make them giggle.

MerryMarigold · 12/05/2015 17:37

I think it's telling that the friend's mum was also home

MerryMarigold · 12/05/2015 17:38

I know kids love toilet humour, of course I do, but I'm not familiar with adults joining in with it!

Ooops, better not come to our house then. Wees, poos, farts and pants. Adults included.

Goldmandra · 12/05/2015 17:43

We were at a pantomime at Christmas where the 'Buttons' type character 'accidentally' pulled down his trousers to expose his union jack boxer shorts as a joke. I don't recall anyone thinking it was anything more than a puerile joke designed to make the children in the audience laugh, which it did.

It really isn't something to worry about.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 12/05/2015 17:48

I'm not saying it's wrong not to play with them fiveacres, but I do think it's wrong that playing with an 8 year old is seen as weird.
The problem is none of us can say whether this was weird or entirely innocent. All we can do is take appropriate precautions with our children and educate them.

fiveacres · 12/05/2015 17:52

Well yes, that sort of behaviour is perfectly appropriate in a pantomime, but I think even the most liberal amongst us might balk at our husbands dressing as Dame Trot on the school run!

ShumbTucker · 12/05/2015 18:10

My husband occasionally puts my tights on his head and chases the boys around with nerf guns. The pants thing sounds like something he would do. He's daft as a brush with a wonderful talent for making kids laugh, he isn't a monster

BabyGiraffeOnIce · 12/05/2015 18:21

I think it's more that in the op it says her dd was laughing about what her friends df had said. So that to me shows it was in no way malicious but taken in the jokey context it was meant.
Had your dd been shy about telling you, or not understood etc then maybe it'd be seen as more weird.
As long as she is aware of the boundaries herself then I'd say there's nothing to worry about.

littlejohnnydory · 12/05/2015 20:17

I wouldn't worry about this, personally - and I think I'm pretty careful. He made a joke about pants to make children laugh, your dd found it funny, that's all. Nothing inappropriate or ringing alarm bells for me. However, I wouldn't let my children go to a house I wasn't comfortable with, your prerogative.

annielouise · 12/05/2015 21:35

Sorry, I'm another that thinks it inappropriate although wouldn't be jumping to any conclusions, but you just don't know. If he's referring to his pants and the girls catching him out and that's acceptable - what next? Ooh, WhitePhantom's DD, I can see your knickers, teeheehee. Not appropriate at all. I wonder if she told you as she was slightly taken aback even though she laughed?

floatyflo · 12/05/2015 22:03

I'm going to hide this thread in a minute because some of the comments regarding how other posters are over reacting are making my blood boil.

To whatever posters that said about handing round some grips? And how this man is being called a paedophile by some posters in here? Did you not read the comments fully. No one has actually said "Yes OP! The man is a paedophile. "

And if you dared to hand me a grip having been through what I have been through, and make me out like I am some sort of man hating over suspicious weirdo, I would fucking throw it through your teeth.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect your children. You are so fucking fortunate to have never experienced grooming or sexual abuse so if some posters come in saying they would find it uncomfortable or odd, take a fucking step back and think about why. I didnt condemn the man. I said trust your gut. The only hysterical posts on here have been from posters with the point of view that the Dad is a-ok.

I'm not mad at the posters who have said he is fine, I'm mad at the posters that have said he is fine and then spouting of shit about the posters who have said he isn't.

Fuck. Angry

floatyflo · 12/05/2015 22:04

This thread has actually been really triggering.

floatyflo · 12/05/2015 22:13

Thay should read CERTAIN posters thinking the dad is a-ok.

fiveacres · 12/05/2015 22:13

Excellent posts floaty.

Having never been sexually abused as a child, my heart goes out to you. As you so rightly say, no one is saying 'this man is a paedophile' - we are stating there is the possibility that he is being inappropriate.

I've seen this a thousand times on Mumsnet and I'll see it a thousand more. Posters laugh at the very idea that a man they know could be a paedophile or take a sexual interest in their child. Because that's silly, isn't it? It's what hysterical people who read TNOTW when it existed believe. It's for those idiots who hurled a brick through the window of the paediatrician believing her to be a paedophile, isn't it? They, of course, are far too intelligent to be taken in by that level of hysteria. They get the satire behind Brass Eye and smirk at if. Because it's a laughing matter, isn't it?

Fucking nasty attitude.

JulyKit · 12/05/2015 22:29

fiveacres and floaty - good posts.

FryOneFatManic · 12/05/2015 22:32

I think it's telling that the friend's mum was also home

This means nothing. I knew someone who had been abused by her dad even when the mum was at home. The mother apparently didn't know it had happened. (I was a child when it all came out.)

I also remember seeing a post on here one time where the poster said a relative had craftily managed to abuse her in a room full of people and no-one realised. I believe she said she had been sitting on this relative's knee at the time.

My own opinion of the comment is that it was inappropriate, but probably not enough to prevent the sleepover. However, I would be monitoring the situation.