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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel about this?

110 replies

WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 13:14

My DD, aged 8, is good friends with P. She was at P's house recently for the day, and P's parents were both there.

When DD came home, she was laughing about a hide-and-seek game they played with P's dad. The girls were hiding, and in trying to make them giggle (so that he could find them) he called out "I've pulled my trousers down and everyone can see my pants".

I may be over-reacting but a little alarm bell is going off in my head... I think an adult joking with little girls about his trousers being down, and making it sound normal and funny and harmless, is just a bit odd.

What makes it awkward also is, having a sleepover at some stage was mentioned recently and I was fine with it, but now I feel quite uncomfortable about the whole idea.

What do you think? Am I over-thinking this or do you find it a bit strange?

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 13:36

I think that's weird. Yes, underwear is funny to an 8 year old but IMO that comment is not even funny if you take away the potentially dodginess. So why say it? Personally, I'd be having a chat with DD about boundaries and not allowing sleepovers at their place.

EatShitDerek · 12/05/2015 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BolshierAyraStark · 12/05/2015 13:41

Ffs, they were playing-he said it to make them laugh & give up the place they were hiding.
OP you are reading far too much into this, you've given it tooo much headspace already.

floatyflo · 12/05/2015 13:43

I wouldn't like it. And would be very paranoid about it. And I wouldn't let my DC go for a sleepover. But I was groomed and then sexual abused by a seemingly nice, friendly and fun family member so I feel my feelings are justified. My job to protect my children and if I go too over board then so be it.

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 13:46

Thanks for all the replies!

I wouldn't say I 'barely know them' - I've met the mum several times and we've had good chats, and the little girl is the brightest chattiest most confident little thing ever. That day was the first day I met the dad though.

Nothing sinister happened, and there was no underwear on display - it was more the idea of an adult 'sowing the seed' that this is harmless and funny and nothing to worry about.

And while I know kids giggle endlessly about stuff like this, I think it was unusual for a man to do it.

The sleepover was going to include another one or two kids as well. She has only ever been to a sleepover with her Granny before, but she's a friendly confident little chatterbox and would have NO qualms about sleeping over with anyone, so I can't even use that as an excuse.

DD knows all the 'safe talk' and what's right and wrong, but still. I just don't know. Confused

OP posts:
JoandMax · 12/05/2015 13:48

It wouldn't worry me at all, my DCs find anything to do with pants, bums etc absolutely hilarious so its easily something I'd say to them.

I also don't think its weird he was playing with them, I play more when my DCs have friends around as I want to get to know them and for them to feel comfortable and welcome in our house.

Is this just a gender thing? Would you all find it dodgy if the mum was saying it to 2 boys? Thats not meant as an accusation, just a question!

lemonyone · 12/05/2015 13:48

Why not talk to the mum about it?

I would also refrain from speaking to friends about this. I would hate for the DH to be labelled as a 'groomer' from one ill-judged joke.

NRomanoff · 12/05/2015 13:48

It was a joke, pant jokes makes my kids howl...nit so much dd anymore. She is a preteen so y'know to mature for kids jokes Grin she says.

321 your post is just wrong. What's wrong with a parent playing with kids?

Do you only provide bare minimum food , heat and clothes for your kids...because they don't need anything else. Confused

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 13:49

Just saw your post floaty - I'm so sorry this happened to you Sad

It's the stuff of nightmares, and I'd never forgive myself if I had even a small alarm bell and ignored it and something happened. He seems (to DD) to be a nice friendly fun man.

OP posts:
kissmethere · 12/05/2015 13:51

yea wouldn't be happy about that actual but most likely innocent. I'd be Hmmas well

rebelfor · 12/05/2015 13:52

I'd just take it as a silly joke to make them giggle.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 12/05/2015 13:52

I agree with you op. It's an odd thing for an adult (make or female) to say. I would not be comfortable with my child going to sleep over, at least until I got to know them both better.

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 13:52

JoandMax, I would find it a bit weird if a woman said it to two little boys, but (any maybe I'm being hypocrital) I find it a lot weirder for a man to say it to two little girls. I suppose it's because the majority of abusers are male - I'm not saying that makes all males more likely to be abusers, before anyone hops off me!!

I'm perfectly happy that he was playing with them. It's just this comment has thrown me.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 12/05/2015 13:55

It probably is just goofiness.

The trouble is, groomers know that and use it.

At this point, I would err on the side of going on with things as normal, but being extra aware of further incidents that seem grooming. Re-Discuss persoanl safety and boundaries with DD.

It might be worth mentioning to the girls mother that the hide and seek jokes the girls dad used appear quite bizarre when said by an adult man to little girls. If he has geown up with that joke from his dad, he might not have considered it.

nilbyname · 12/05/2015 13:57

I'm with derek on this one, he made a silly joke in a game. My dh is a fun dad he plays with our kids and their mates, kids love. Owning to our house.

In the Lego movie their is that line "where are my pannnnts?!" Which gets shouted at volume around here a lot, it's made all the funnier cos pants is underware here.

It was innocent and silly. Let it go.

storminabuttercup · 12/05/2015 13:59

It sounds like a daft joke to me. Pants are funny to kids, think of the books, dinosaurs love underpants, aliens love underpants, pirates love underpants, trousers falling down has been used as comedy for ever.

nilbyname · 12/05/2015 13:59

Typos!!

Kids love coming to our house, we play hide and seek, footy in the garden, chases, have light sabre battles. Ds is 8.

MerryMarigold · 12/05/2015 14:02

I think it was probably a trick he's used before on his dd to make her giggle and maybe it just popped out before he thought about the fact there was another child there. I don't think it was sinister. I think sinister people are much more careful and sneaky.

floatyflo · 12/05/2015 14:04

I don't think you would gain anything at all from speaking to Mum/both parents about this.

Basically, you either come across as wrongly accusing someone of being a paedophile and possible highly offended them and/or lose a friendship; and in the process look like an over reacting fool. Or he is a paedophile/groomer, but he isn't going to turn around and admit it is he? So it's pointless.

Just trust your gut.

strawberrypenguin · 12/05/2015 14:08

Sounds fine to me. He didn't do it he was saying silly things to make them laugh. Seems to be a lot of over reacting on this thread! Not all men are sex predators you know Hmm

OpieWinston · 12/05/2015 14:18

I really feel sorry for any male that your daughter comes into contact with if this is your attitude. It's clearly a joke and it worked. Not everyone has a hidden agenda; in fact, it's pretty rare.

floatyflo · 12/05/2015 14:24

I really feel sorry for any male that your daughter comes into contact with if this is your attitude.

It's not an attitude. It's a feeling. And you shouldn't be so dismissive.

BabyGiraffeOnIce · 12/05/2015 14:25

anyone ever seen Michael McIntyre's stand up DVD?

he freely says that they play a game called pants down you're the loser - and says if anyone heard them they'd be judged, exactly like you're all doing to this man.

no-ones pants were actually down/showing etc. it was a way to make kids laugh and give up their game. I honestly thins dads are going to stop playing games with their daughters and their friends soon for fear of being misconstrued.

Hypotenuse · 12/05/2015 14:25

This has made me realise that the silly pants jokes my DH makes will have to stop when dd has friends round. He is just a silly goofy man, who knows pants jokes always get a laugh from our 4yo. I'd hate for him to be seen as a child abuser because of it!

OpieWinston · 12/05/2015 14:29

If it was a woman that had said this I doubt there would have been a thread on MN about it.