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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel about this?

110 replies

WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 13:14

My DD, aged 8, is good friends with P. She was at P's house recently for the day, and P's parents were both there.

When DD came home, she was laughing about a hide-and-seek game they played with P's dad. The girls were hiding, and in trying to make them giggle (so that he could find them) he called out "I've pulled my trousers down and everyone can see my pants".

I may be over-reacting but a little alarm bell is going off in my head... I think an adult joking with little girls about his trousers being down, and making it sound normal and funny and harmless, is just a bit odd.

What makes it awkward also is, having a sleepover at some stage was mentioned recently and I was fine with it, but now I feel quite uncomfortable about the whole idea.

What do you think? Am I over-thinking this or do you find it a bit strange?

OP posts:
fiveacres · 12/05/2015 14:38

Here are the things that make me go a bit Hmm

'I've pulled my trousers down.' Not 'my trousers have fallen down.'
The girls are 8. I have an 8 year old. If I shouted 'I have taken my top off and everyone can see my bra!' in front of my child and his friend I suspect he'd be mortified.
I play with my children, but I don't recall playing with my friends parents at the age of 8. We pretty much did our own thing.

Now, the above does not mean I necessarily think there's anything to be concerned about, but I do think in their eagerness to poo-poo the OPs unease posters have overlooked that (IME) this isn't as 'normal' as all that. Chances are he is just a daft man. No harm done. But it doesn't mean we all have to insist he must be innocent as the driven snow.

madreloco · 12/05/2015 14:45

Its the kind of thing that might be a funny joke with your own kids, its probably inappropriate with someone elses. I might joke with my own about pants and poo and all kinds, but not with their friends.

And some people answering should bare in mind that what they are see as over-reacting others see as sensible precautions based on their own unpleasant experiences. And be a little more understanding as to whey they might "over-react".

madreloco · 12/05/2015 14:45

Its the kind of thing that might be a funny joke with your own kids, its probably inappropriate with someone elses. I might joke with my own about pants and poo and all kinds, but not with their friends.

And some people answering should bare in mind that what they are see as over-reacting others see as sensible precautions based on their own unpleasant experiences. And be a little more understanding as to whey they might "over-react".

Royalsighness · 12/05/2015 15:01

That to me is a bit odd

MrsNextDoor · 12/05/2015 15:07

THose people saying "It was innocent" need to step back.

You don't KNOW that. So don't make stupid statements.

OP. At best it was a misguided joke...at worst it's the start of grooming. Many abusers first steps is to make taboo things normal....so jokes about pants down BECOMES pants down.

Tickling becomes touching.

I would not let my child go there again.

Opie I would be as Hmm if a woman said it too.

OpieWinston · 12/05/2015 15:12

Exactly, YOU DON'T KNOW. Jumping to conclusions that this man is a predator and wants to groom children. If he was to read this I'm sure he would be pretty devastated about being called a pedophile for joking his his own child. Potentially life ruining stuff here. Ridiculous.

PurpleDaisies · 12/05/2015 15:12

Those people saying "It was innocent" need to step back.

But the op has asked for opinions on whether she is overreacting. Just because those posters don't agree with you doesn't mean that they are out of order.

AuntyMag10 · 12/05/2015 15:14

I honestly would not be ok with this. In my own home with MY own children my dh makes jokes and might say something silly like this. He has the sense to know that with other people's children you do not do that.
There are certain things that are appropriate in your own home but not with other people's kids.

AuntyMag10 · 12/05/2015 15:15

And if someone could not exercise common sense to know that it might not be appropriate then I wouldn't know what to expect next.

Dr0pThePirate · 12/05/2015 15:16

If this is the only thing thing this man has done to make you feel a bit "hmm" then yes, you're over thinking it.

Can you explain a little more about why this game has made you feel uncomfortable?

HaroldsBishop · 12/05/2015 15:18

This is all very "Peadofinder General"....

lemonyone · 12/05/2015 15:20

It is a bit Brass Eye as well, Harold.

Hakluyt · 12/05/2015 15:27

"It seems odd to me that the dad would be playing with them. At 8 years old they don't need entertaining, they have each other to play with, most parents would be getting on with their own thing and leave them to it wouldn't they?"

oh, ffs!

fiveacres · 12/05/2015 15:43

I hate Brass Eye.

It is so rude, dismissive and arrogant to claim that paedophila is a moral panic. The numbers of people abused as children are huge. Absolutely staggeringly large.

In the past, these men had easy access to children because children weren't educated, weren't informed and were expected to do as they were told. The result? Children being hurt, frightened, humiliated and distressed.

Of course, sexual abuse still happens but it's far more likely to be reported and dealt with. But it's very prominence has bred a new type of sneer - the 'paedophile round every corner.' Statistically, there IS a paedophile around every corner.

I do not think this case necessarily rings alarm bells but I can absolutely understand someone being a bit Hmm - I cite my earlier example; I would not state I had taken my top off in front of one of my child's friends - and IF he is 'inappropriate' sadly statistics indicate his own daughter is more at risk than the OPs child.

But the 'hur, hur, WE are so intelligent and know full well paedophiles don't really exist except in the mind of thickos' really fucking grates. There is NOTHING wrong in thinking about what your child has said and mulling it over. In fact, there's everything RIGHT with it.

BabyGiraffeOnIce · 12/05/2015 15:44

aunty he was in his own home with his own child? just so happened OP's child was there too.

Collaborate · 12/05/2015 15:46

I was going to rummage around for a grip for OP. Having read through the thread, I realise I've got nowhere near enough grips needed for everyone. You're all (well at least those of you who are pearl clutching) absolutely mad.

msgrinch · 12/05/2015 15:47

He made a joke to make the girls laugh. It wouldn't bother me at all.

lemonyone · 12/05/2015 15:48

Hi fivacres.

I agree with always having your radar on for possible abuse and to ensure that children are able to always feel that their body is theirs alone and that they are able to speak out if they are uncomfortable. As someone who was abused by a close relative I feel more strongly about this than most.

Equally, I believe in balance. This joke feels just like a joke to me. But if the OP feels uncomfortable about this then she should follow her gut. What I do object to is the idea that this man who has made a joke which half the posters consider innocent should be viewed suspiciously.

Dr0pThePirate · 12/05/2015 15:52

Is this all because he said the word "pants"?!?

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 12/05/2015 15:55

The oddest thing about this thread is that 123 thinks it's odd that a father would play with his 8 year pod daughter and a friend. How very very sad.

fiveacres · 12/05/2015 16:00

Personally no. It's because he'd said he pulled his trousers down.

Mumsnet is oh-so-cool with stuff like this OP. Doesn't mean you're wrong.

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 12/05/2015 16:03

My genuine thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, whether to hand me a basket of grips or to say don't let her go there again, and everything in between.

Mrs Next Door has hit the nail on the head re making taboo things normal - that's what makes me a little Hmm. I fully expect he was just being silly, but I Alsop fully expect that any parent whose child was abused by a trusted family member / friend was completely horrified that it happened and never thought it possibly could!

OP posts:
Dr0pThePirate · 12/05/2015 16:09

Oh ok.

I'm not being all mums net "cool" about pedophilia but I don't think there is anything alarming about a man joking with children about pulling his trousers down. Kids think that's funny, that's probably why he said it.

Unless of course this man has done something else to make the OP weary of him but it reads like a one off instance of a dad playing in his home with his daughter and her friend. You'd have to read an awful lot into the "pulled my trousers down" part to get to "this man is dangerous" though.

Azrael01 · 12/05/2015 16:11

I'm with PurpleDaisies - also glad not to be a man. Massive jumping to conclusions here.

fiveacres · 12/05/2015 16:14

I don't think it's necessarily alarming or dangerous. What I find ironic is that there are two extremes - of a dangerous predatory paedophile on one and a normal man of absolutely no concern on the other. People berate the OP for 'jumping to conclusions' without, seemingly, seeing the irony that they also are jumping to conclusions about the mans safety. I have known three men be convicted of possession of indecent images of late and none of them are men I would have had any qualms about seeing my DC with: they were primary school teachers!

To repeat an earlier point, there is nothing wrong with mulling over a statement and wondering if it is indicative of an attempt to normalise inappropriate behaviour. I would be the same.

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