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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wish people would stop moaning about being pregnant!

122 replies

SomedayMummy · 11/05/2015 20:50

"I am so uncomfortable"
"I want my body back"
"I'm so fat"
"I can't sleep"
Repeat.

We have been trying for years. I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant. It's nine months of discomfort (unless you have HG or other problems, I get that must be horrendous) you are growing a person, it is a beautiful gift. Something that some people pray day and night to be able to experience.

Stop fucking moaning!

Nb. This is aimed at friends who know our circumstances yet continue with their moaning about how awful it is to be fertile.

OP posts:

fackinell · 12/05/2015 00:04

I don't think YABU, I've lost four and when speaking to my half sister all she moaned about was how tight her belly was. Then the other half sister just invited me to the baby shower. I'll be 'working.'

No it's not anyone's fault I've lost mine but a little sensitivity goes a long way.

ancientbuchanan · 12/05/2015 00:05

Good luck, it could just happen as it did for us after 9 years and countless early ( v early ) miscarriages. I hope it does. I felt miserable and envious and every shop was a baby shop.

I only twice got angry, once with an obtuse vicar who said " everyone can get pregnant " to me, and once when a much loved cousin was moaning and saying " I'm sure this one is going to be disabled " with that fear one has. To which, after she had moaned for what seemed like hours but was prob only 35 mins ( we were doing the washing up for a big family party or if I was and she was sitting down, so it did take that long), I snappily responded " well at least you can have them " . Horrid silence. And I realised I had not been sympathetic. But she hadn't thought about her audience either.

And in both cases they had known me for years or all their lives. And they should have thought. But with everyone else, you just grin and bear it and the stupidity when they say did you never want children, or I can see you are a career person, or won't you be lonely when you are old ?

So it all depends, doesn't it. And I wish you well.

ShootPeppaPig · 12/05/2015 00:09

I used to feel this way but Iv been on both sides now, I tried for years and know the familiar envy towards people who just have to sit on a chair to get pregnant, even now I have to occasionally hide FB feeds which advertise over and over their success in an area I failed in month after month, year after year

But then I did eventually conceive. And I HATED the whole thing. The notion that I would be immensely grateful just for being pregnant became a distant memory - I didn't even have awful physical symptoms to moan about. I found the process utterly terrifying and despite still having the envy of people who can have however many kids they want and when they want them... I will always feel a pregnant woman is allowed to moan about her experience of pregnancy. I just may need to hide it/avoid them if I'm particularly sensitive.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234 · 12/05/2015 00:29

I think it's tricky. I was sick and in pain for a lot of the time I was pregnant but, had I known someone was having trouble getting pregnant I would have not complained.

There is always someone worse off though. I don't think it's reasonable to only 'allow' the most desperately sick to complain. Everyone's allowed a little moan aren't they.

I don't think it's ok to be insensitive to those who are having trouble conceiving but it's also not ok to make people who are pregnant feel guilty about it.

Jengnr · 12/05/2015 03:25

I'm sorry but you are being (understandably) unreasonable.

I would never complain directly to someone I knew to be in your situation but I'm having a tough time of it and I will complain if asked or generally.

I hope it works out for you soon xx

TerrorAustralis · 12/05/2015 03:45

I think YABU.

I understand the pain of infertility. I also know that with my only successful pregnancy I felt like shit every day for 9.5 months. It was not just a bit of discomfort.

stolemyusername · 12/05/2015 03:47

I think you're being pretty unfair actually but agree that perhaps your friends could show more empathy with your situation.

I had a car accident in September last year that I'm still recovering from and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. My neck, shoulders and lower back were damaged and I'm undergoing physiotherapy 3 times per week to stay mobile, my hips are twisted and my spine is bent, I've only recently been able to hold my head in an upright position after it was locked towards my shoulder. The muscles between my fingers and my shoulders are damaged (I think it's called the ulnar muscle?) so I can't grip anything tightly or carry anything. I also had a head injury that left me with tinnitus, reduced hearing and no sense of smell.

Until January (when I found out I am pregnant) I struggled through on a variety of pain killers that I can no longer take as they could potentially harm the baby.

Add to that the increased weight and pressure on my back of a 20 week pregnancy and I will tell you that despite being incredibly excited about the baby, I am more than uncomfortable, I'm in agony! I struggle to sleep at night so I'm exhausted and I struggle throughout the day! I had a bad fall 2 weeks ago as my knee keeps giving in on me and I collapsed in the garden so now I have a buggered ankle to deal with also.

I get that mine is an extreme example, but even in a straightforward pregnancy it's not always a beautiful gift, it's tiring, emotional and at times bloody hard work!

NurseRoscoe · 12/05/2015 06:14

YABU, in a sense. Pregnancy can be a difficult time. I do sympathise with you and really hope you get your baby soon but I had prenatal depression with my first and it made it 100 times harder having no one to talk to because everyone was like 'be happy, you are having a baby, many others can't' and it wasn't my fault, it was just how the hormonal changes affected me I imagine. I loved and wanted my baby I just found pregnancy hard to cope with, being tired when you aren't able to rest, having lots of pain makes it worse. I don't agree with people ranting all day every day, however if it's just the odd comment, whether they are in the same situation as I was or just making an offhand remark rather than a full blown moan, I understand it must frustrate you, again I sympathise about how upsetting it must be but they aren't really in the wrong.

Royalsighness · 12/05/2015 06:29

I'm sorry you are going through this. My sister tried for 5 years, she had fertility surgery and in the same week she had it I fell pregnant. I was younger then and wasnt trying for a child so I can't imagine how hard this was for her, also during my pregnancy my friend gave birth to a child very premature and my whole pregnancy I spent crying wondering why I couldn't give my healthy baby to my sister who wanted one so much, and why I had been given one instead. It made me very greatful. The pregnancy was hard I just picked my times wisely in which to complain.

She has had a baby now after IVF and is a lot happier and I feel like I can relax now its all over and we can all breathe a sigh of relief. I've witnessed how much infertility changes people as I am very close with my sister. I feel for you.

ftmsoon · 12/05/2015 06:37

Yabu. I had to pretend my pregnancy wasn't happening at work for the sake of another lady. Her loss was considered far more important than my gain. It was ridiculous when I had a huge bump but was still expected to act as if it wasn't there. It ruined my pregnancy experience, I went into denial about it. I didn't want anyone outside work to know as I couldn't separate who could and couldn't know. I had no pleasure in buying anything for 'the baby', it felt like a chore.
It took me a long time to accept DD was mine when she was born and only a very good HV and supportive DH stopped me sliding into PND. I still have moments when I feel incredibly guilty and like I don't deserve to have her as I fell pregnant easily.
I'm sorry for your struggle.

Rosduk · 12/05/2015 06:39

YANBU. Wow, I am totally stunned by the lack of compassion on this thread.
I have had 3 children and lost no2 as a newborn, all 3 pregnancies I was sick throughout but despite being miserable and pregnancy no3 being utterly terrifying, I still managed to not moan to people I know are having fertility problems/have had previous losses.

Being pregnant does not make us entitled to ignore other peoples feelings. Sorry, but pregnancy lasts 9 months, the want for a child can last a lifetime.

Good luck OP.

Rosduk · 12/05/2015 06:43

"Her loss was considered more important than my gain."
Sorry ftmsoon that you are struggling, but that is shocking.

Royalsighness · 12/05/2015 08:06

It's hard because if anyone experienced a loss of a loved one for example a husband, the last thing they would want is visitors and friends saying how sick they are of looking at their husband and how irritating he is. It would be considered insensitive.

Somehow women who struggle to conceive their feelings often get overlooked, or they get told they should get over it and move on, you are entitled to feel however you want to feel. I can't say I know exactly how you feel OP but after supporting someone very dear to me on this journey I know how badly it can affect people and how insensitive some people can be.

RumbleMum · 12/05/2015 08:11

Surely the point is not that people should stop moaning, but that they should stop moaning to the OP.

Everyone has a right to moan, of course they do, and I hated pregnancy too. But you don't moan about pregnancy to someone with fertility issues, surely?

patienceisvirtuous · 12/05/2015 08:24

OP YANBU.

I hope you get your baby soon.

I haven't been able to have a baby yet. I had two miscarriages last year. The sickness with the second pg was awful. I probably did moan despite being eternally grateful and terrified at the same time.

Anyone who's been in your shoes will have bags of empathy, even if they think you're being a little unreasonable.

Ignore some of the harsher responses on here, some people have no idea how soul-destroying infertility can be.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 12/05/2015 08:26

YANBU, in the sense that people absolutely should be more sensitive than to moan directly to you about their pregnancies.
However throughout 2 pregnancies i have had severe insomnia leading to regular fainting from exhaustion, sickness from beginning to end (not HG), depression and SPD. I've got friends who have had much worse pregnancy experiences. While I (and they) are of course extremely grateful to be pregnant, it's unreasonable to expect them (and me) to not have a little moan at some point. I tend to save it for my DH and other pregnant friends though.

Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 08:28

I agree with the pp who says that compassion is not a one way street. I can't fathom the thought that you'd prefer your friends to sit there in physical pain but would be offended if they mention it.

Only1scoop · 12/05/2015 08:31

I had HG pretty much all the way through and detested it. Barely left the house it was grim.

My friend on her 11th round of ivf came to visit me. I'd kept putting her off. I remember just bursting into tears and saying how ungrateful I felt but hated it.

She was fantastic.

ifgrandmahadawilly · 12/05/2015 08:32

Yabvu. Pregnancy can be a total nightmare. Take it from someone who had a heart condition, obstetric cholestasis and anemia during pregnant. Getting a lovely baby at the end of it doesn't make the horrible parts any easier, if one of your friends had back ache / heartburn / tiredness / sickness etc at any other time in their lives, wouldn't you have some sympathy for them? Their problems in no way invalidate your own and vice versa.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 12/05/2015 08:35

Your thread title is BU, but what you're actually asking is whether you're right to want people to stop being so insensitive around you. Which is NBU at all. Best of luck.

And luckystar catch yourself on. For some of us, being pregnant is exactly like being ill, because we are ill as well as pregnant. You don't get to define who's ill and who just has a bit of discomfort either! I notice as well that you only mention people who are seriously ill as deserving of sympathy. Does that mean those who are just quite ill aren't?

FujimotosElixir · 12/05/2015 08:37

im sorry about your problems with fertility, and i think moaning infront of you is insensitive tbh.

ScottishDiblet · 12/05/2015 08:42

Yanbu. I complained about feeling sick and my mum told me in no uncertain terms that it was far worse not being pregnant (and wanting to be) than being pregnant and suffering. Hugs and best of luck to you.

reallywittyname · 12/05/2015 08:47

YABU
YANBU

life isn't fair. Your friends should stfu if you're struggling. But don't make me feel guilty for feeling like shit. I'm struggling with rib flare, spd, acid reflux, insomnia, I'm still recovering from pneumonia which I've had for nearly four months, still working full time and have a toddler to deal with, would you like me to berate myself more because I'm struggling to cope, let alone enjoy it?

professornangnang · 12/05/2015 08:54

They are being a bit insensitive but to be fair, pregnancy isn't just a bit of discomfort. I used to retch so hard every morning that I had to crawl to the toilet. I think maybe some people get away with 'easy' pregnancies but they're hugely in the minority.

jeanswithatwist · 12/05/2015 08:55

ynbu, i totally agree with you. best of luck with ttc

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