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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish people would stop moaning about being pregnant!

122 replies

SomedayMummy · 11/05/2015 20:50

"I am so uncomfortable"
"I want my body back"
"I'm so fat"
"I can't sleep"
Repeat.

We have been trying for years. I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant. It's nine months of discomfort (unless you have HG or other problems, I get that must be horrendous) you are growing a person, it is a beautiful gift. Something that some people pray day and night to be able to experience.

Stop fucking moaning! SadSadSad

Nb. This is aimed at friends who know our circumstances yet continue with their moaning about how awful it is to be fertile.

OP posts:
kettlepot · 11/05/2015 21:42

It might be that they don't know what to say and feel that sharing any excitement would be worse for you to hear. Or attempting to downplay being pregnant.

I'm adopted and my mother refused to talk about my pregnancy due to several miscarriages she had 20 years ago. Even though I suffered horrendous rib flare, I couldn't talk to her about it for fear of offending. Plus she didn't want to know - refused to look at scan pictures, etc. It really drove a wedge between us, unfortunately, and I don't think we'll recover. For your friends to be able to talk openly they must see you as a really strong person, and as someone who they can turn when they're feeling rough - regardless of circumstances. Hopefully they're not being intentionally inconsiderate to your feelings; I doubt your situation would have slipped their mind. (Or if it did, I bet they feel awful afterwards but don't want to make things worse by drawing attention to it).

I hope you get your baby soon.

TenerifeSea · 11/05/2015 21:44

YANBU and I am genuinely sorry for your pain. Flowers I wish you all the best of luck.

I wouldn't spend hours wittering on about my fantastic, well paid imaginary job to my long-term unemployed friend, so I feel the same way about pregnancy. I'm not saying that I wouldn't mention my distinctly average job but I'd be sensitive about it.

I'm not comparing your fertility agony to unemployment by the time but just saying I'd be an insensitive dick to ignore someone else's feelings in any situation, let alone such an emotive one.

BitterHoneyGreenNight · 11/05/2015 21:46

I do understand where you're coming from OP. I struggled to conceive for many years and had 3 miscarriages before DS was born after IVF.

I remember so longing to be pregnant and thinking that everyone who was should be thanking their lucky stars every minute because the were so so lucky and blessed to be pregnant. I remember thinking that if I was ever pregnant with one that stuck I would never ever complain about it.

But the thing is, pregnancy can be very hard. When I was pg with DS, I was so so grateful. I did thank my lucky stars every day. But I still had heartburn that made me puke acid several times a day. I still had SPD that meant I was on crutches from 25 weeks. I hurt and I was in pain and it was very difficult. It was even more difficult because I felt guilty for not enjoying every minute.

Your friends sound unsympathetic in the extreme though. Why are you still seeing them?

TinyTear · 11/05/2015 21:47

Yanbu
I had 3 miscarriages before my first daughter and then 2 more before the second.
I made a point to only moan on a secret fb group (because I had a high risk pregnancy) and even at work I wore my baby loss awareness badge every day as I don't have one saying 7th pregnancy, only 2 children...

I actually liked that my coat hid my bump not to be too visible...

Tigresswoods · 11/05/2015 21:49

YANBU.

They don't realise how hard it is when you've been TTC for ages. It "only" took us 18m & it felt like forever.

I hope you get there soon OP.

AGirlCalledBoB · 11/05/2015 21:53

YABU but I can understand why.

The fact of the matter is pregnancy is not always comfortable and people can suffer. I was in a wheelchair and strong painkillers throughout most of my pregnancy. My sister had 3 miscarriages but she never would have even thought of saying to me get over your pain at least you are pregnant etc. She knows how thankful I am for my child but everyone moans about something.

Perhaps avoid your pregnant friends, or have a word with them to ask them to be more sensitive

itsallgonetitsup91 · 11/05/2015 21:57

Life isn't black and white.
I've got a good friend who's recently had a stillbirth and I don't moan in anyway shape or form to her, and never will. So YABU if people are rubbing your face in it.
However, you can't just assume everybody's made up to be pregnant. Truth be told I'm not. This was unplanned, some days still I don't want to be pregnant.

itsallgonetitsup91 · 11/05/2015 21:59

Sorry that was YANBU if friends are rubbing your face in it.

Bair · 11/05/2015 22:58

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.

Took us years to get pregnant. A lot of people don't know that, to them I'm probably just another big twist. However, we've been through a lot to get where we are now, I'm sick of being stoic and taking all of our disappointments on the chin and pasting a smile on. I am going to twist.

MoanCraft · 11/05/2015 23:01

Oh gosh op YANBU, I've been there. I even had to put up with friends telling me they were fed up because someone else was having a girl as second child and she felt upset that she was having two boys and wanted a girl. It took us a lot of pain and heartache over 11 years to finally meet our ds and to hear people complain affected me so very badly.

AreYouSureGeorgeBernard · 11/05/2015 23:01

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I would still have to say that I hated every minute of pregnancy and it was nothing but an inconvenient, body's not my own, public property feeling means to an end.

ouryve · 11/05/2015 23:06

I passed out regularly when I was pregnant with DS1, as well as bleeding heavily, with clots, being beyond exhausted and in constant pain - thought I'd miscarried at one point. After about 6 months, my blood pressure shot up. I spent 2 weeks in hospital after the birth because I needed a 4 unit transfusion and had pulmonary oedema and could barely walk because my pelvis had been knackered by a forceps delivery.

I would never berate someone for having a moan in such circumstances. That's just shitty.

Mermaidhair · 11/05/2015 23:10

Op I know it hurts. I really do. My dh passed away recently and I have friends complaining about their dh. I know they aren't doing it deliberately to hurt me. I would give anything to have him annoy me again.SmileI have had to watch a friend go through a full pregnancy, we were at the same gestation and I miscarried. It was so so hard. It's meant to hurt.

MorrisZapp · 11/05/2015 23:12

I agree with titsup. For you personally, being pregnant is a highly desired state and you can't imagine anybody moaning about it.

But for many women, pregnancy is a time of mixed feelings or even sadness and depression. I loathed almost every minute of being pregnant and hated having a baby. I didn't know I would feel that way, or of course I might have made different life choices.

I'm very happy now, but I think i will always envy childless women on some levels, or parents of grown up kids. Of course I don't envy anybody suffering losses or infertility, I can't imagine the pain. But for many women, motherhood simply isn't the pure joy bringer that we are led to expect.

passmethewineplease · 11/05/2015 23:17

Totally get why what would get to you but YAB a bit I but understandably so.

Eigg · 11/05/2015 23:19

Oh Someday I'm so sorry Flowers you have my utmost sympathies but you are being unreasonable.

We tried for 6 years and several rounds of IVF to get pregnant. In the meantime every single one of our siblings and friendship group had at least one child. So I do know how you feel.

However that does not negate the fact that pregnancy can be very difficult, uncomfortable, exhausting and down right miserable.

I was very, very very sick for my entire pregnancy. Should I never have been allowed to say that I felt dreadful just because I was more fortunate than others?

Should parents of young children never be able to comment that they are exhausted, struggling or frustrated just because others haven't yet been fortunate enough to become parents yet?

Being pregnant/becoming a parent is wonderful yes, but it can also be very hard, tiring and scary.

I really hope that things work out for you, if and when they do you will have a perfect right to have a moan from time to time - and you will.

Best wishes.

Blue2014 · 11/05/2015 23:25

Someday - are you on the conception or infertility boards? I think a bunch of us there know exactly how you feel!

GoGiYerHeedAWobble · 11/05/2015 23:26

After having someone who was sadly infertile telling me just after my daughter died that I shouldn't complain because at least I felt that love in the first place, she would never have it, and I didn't know how lucky I was Hmm I would have to say yab (understandably) u really.

Sometimes two situations just aren't comparable. This is one of those instances.

Thanks though op, it must be tough to hear others complaining about a position you want to be in.

Beth2511 · 11/05/2015 23:30

I saved all my moaning for OH, as I kept telling him.. he got me into the hormone craziness, he can take the brunt of it!

I would never have dreamt doing it to other people, especially those I know trying. I think the only time I moaned publically was when my work (home care) sent me into a home with a man with the pox.. I went ape*/ then!

Feel for you and you will get your BFP soon!

Tootaboo · 11/05/2015 23:30

I'm sorry things are so tough for you, your friends should be more sensitive to you but sometimes people get carried away in their own little bubble and don't always think before they say things.

It took me a good few years to get pregnant so I do understand that feeling of it being so unfair, I also have friends who are struggling massively, to conceive. I try to be sensitive to them but I've been in and out of hospital with HG my whole pregnancy and honestly do feel dreadful, scared and sometimes utterly fed up. I'm not going to lie to my friends and pretend everything is easy and great when it's not. We all need support from our friends at times. I really hope things work out for you.

HootyMcTooty · 11/05/2015 23:31

I'm sorry you're struggling to conceive, I have been in your shoes and it is an all encompassing struggle, which can only truly be understood by those who have been there.

However, YAB a bit U. Whilst your friends should be sensitive to your situation, being pregnant for some people is not easy and they shouldn't be duty bound to put on a brave face. I suffered horrendous spd with my second pregnancy and was in agony for 24 weeks. I wasn't able to walk let alone run around after DC1 and couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time. If anyone made the mistake of asking how I was feeling they were lucky if I didn't break down in a snotty, hysterical mess. That doesn't mean I didn't feel 100% fortunate to have had a successful pregnancy. That said, I would have tried to put a brave face on for anyone who I knew was struggling to conceive or who had experienced a loss.

I hope your struggles come to an end soon Flowers

timelyreminder · 11/05/2015 23:38

YANBU

giraffesCantPluckTheirEyebrows · 11/05/2015 23:42

I once posted similar on here not long after had lost dd in preg. I got similar replies to you and I remember sobbing.

I do realise now they were right. But it doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel utterly crap too.

DO you have support? x

RumbleMum · 11/05/2015 23:53

YANBU (with exceptions, of course, like some of the awful pregnancy stories on here).

Sure, pregnancy can be difficult and it's fine for people to moan, but you have to pick your audience sensitively.

I found being pregnant pretty tricky, had physical and mobility problems with DS2 and generally found the whole thing a slog. At the same time, my dsis was suffering a series of miscarriages. I wouldn't have dreamed of complaining to her - that would have been abominable behaviour.

Unless someone is having exceptional problems in pregnancy, it still doesn't compare to the gut-wrenching fear that having a child won't happen, the misery, the nights spent sobbing, the dashed hopes.

In general, I saved most of my moaning for DH in case I inadvertently offended anyone. The worst I was prepared to say was 'I'm finding it a bit tough at the moment, but never mind, it's all in a good cause and it'll be over soon'.

So sorry you're having such a difficult time. I have everything crossed for you.

honeyroar · 11/05/2015 23:56

I couldn't have children. I know the stab of sadness every time a friend gets pregnant. I've even had slight jealousy (ridiculously i know) of friends that had miscariages, as they'd "been a step nearer" than I ever had. I understand how you feel, but you just have to bite your tongue. It's not their fault and we shouldn't dampen their experience by expecting them to not talk about it. They're not doing it to hurt us. A lot of them don't even know we're going through it. Life's a bitch. You have to try and focus on all the other good things that you have in your life, and not just the infertility, IMO.