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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH has made lunch

122 replies

Tybaltly · 09/05/2015 12:37

For the children and himself but not me!

Background: today I had a lie in day, DH took the children swimming and I was in the bath when they got back. I then dried my hair. When I went downstairs the children were eating pasta and DH was having last nights takeaway. When I asked if he'd made anything for me he said I'd "opted out".

I cook most meals, at weekends we usually eat the same food as a family. I am feeling really annoyed that this isn't reciprocated. But then I was having a lazy day and upstairs when they started eating?

AIBU at feeling annoyed? Because I really do!

OP posts:

Sootgremlin · 09/05/2015 20:36

I can see both sides.

It sounds like he sorted the kids and then was just picking at leftovers, he was probably tired coming in from swimming and starving, I usually am.

The bit where he is unreasonable is perhaps the 'opt-out' comment, but depends on how you asked about the food - if it was an indignant "where's mine?", before asking about how his morning had been or saying hello, he may have been a bit defensive.

I imagine my DH wouldn't have made me something in those circumstances, but when I'd come down he would have said "I'm just having leftovers do you want anything?" And I'd probably say "I'll make myself something, how was swimming?".

Mind you, it is amazing the small things that you can argue about when you both work hard and get very little relaxation time. You can be 100% ok with the other having time 'off' in principle, but if you've been up early wrangling kids and the other person comes in all relaxed your hackles can raise without any real justification other than it's not you.

I've ushered my husband lovingly into bed and insisted on his having a lie-in before now, but after an hour of arbitrating petty disputes over Lego for the 6th day in a row I'm ready to wake him up with a boot up the backside.

I wouldn't make a thing of it, but make sure you communicate and that you are both feeling you have an equal amount of time to yourself so resentment doesn't build.

HappyMeerkat · 09/05/2015 20:48

Are we even sure that he knew op was awake, if I wanted a lie in to relax I would have been a little annoyed to be woken up. And if she was in the shower again how are we sure that he knew her plans or if she had already eaten. If she wanted quiet me time surely the point is to be relaxed by herself? And if she had eaten then that could have been a meal wasted the opt out comment could have been one of those odd occasions when you're brain switches off and says something odd for what could have been "I thought you were spending time for yourself today so didn't want anything made" as if it had been talked about previously that it was an all day/ most of the day thing where she said she would be by herself seems strange to then want something made to eat to then scurry off to be by yourself again

AuntyMag10 · 09/05/2015 20:50

YouMake
I meant that if dh or myself were coming home at some point during the day. It can just be reheated later.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 09/05/2015 20:54

Ah ok, makes sense.

rastamam · 09/05/2015 21:18

Im suprised at some peoples low expectations of their dh's! Surely to ask if Op would like some pasta, or (if in the shower) to assume she would want to eat lunch at some point, and to just make abit extra is pretty reasonable?

Unless it was just tinned spagetti or something else that the dh knows the OP would not want for lunch I guess, I had assumed that it was some delicious pasta but maybe not and that could make a difference?

Makes me very grateful that my dh is lovely enough to bring me up pancakes in bed if he gives me a lazy morning!

ConfusedInBath · 09/05/2015 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rastamam · 09/05/2015 21:44

yes but wouldnt he just make an extra small bowl for when she got up? Unless it was tinned spagetti of course then no point yes.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 09/05/2015 21:46

DH wouldn't save me a bowl of pasta as reheated pasta is rank. He'd make me a fresh bowl (or whatever else I wanted) when I came down though.

rastamam · 09/05/2015 22:02

he also could have saved the delicious leftover takeaway for the OP and had the delicious fresh pasta with the children. Again unless it was tinned spagetti or something in which case it would indeed make no sense to open an extra tin etc. (and My pasta isnt rank when reheated excuuuse me! :))

ConfusedInBath · 09/05/2015 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rastamam · 09/05/2015 22:11

what! takeaway is just as delicious the next day! I guess it depends on the takeaway then? Poppodoms are no good but anything else is lovely! :)

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/05/2015 08:06

Haha no offence rasta, I just like my pasta al dente and reheated it loses its bite turns to mush

MrsTedCrilly · 10/05/2015 08:23

I wouldn't be bothered about him not making me pasta as it's such a quick meal to make and he might not have known when you were getting up.. But reheated pasta in the microwave is just as yum!

murmuration · 10/05/2015 08:37

I think it really depends on the family situation. I also cook most of the meals, and in the situation described by the OP I would be looking forward to making food for myself for once (e.g., not constrained by what DH or DC like to eat), and would probably just put extra pasta made away for someone else to eat later. Was the understanding that kids were his in the morning through lunch, or was the "lie in" done before lunch? Or not specified? Would you have been as upset if it turned out they all stopped for food on the way home? Perhaps it's best to indicate whether you mean to eat as a family or not on such a day.

MerynFuckingTrant · 10/05/2015 09:06

Actually I think YABU. I will always make sure the kids have food but it isn't my job to make DH's. I make all meals for all of us normally but on a Saturday if DH is lazing about and I'm looking after the children I don't see why I should make four plates of sarnies and him none.
I make mine and the childrens and he makes his own when he can be arsed to come downstairs. He has no problem with this.
If he is studying then I make some and take them up but if he's in bed or playing football manager then no, I don't.
I cook dinner seven days a week so he can sort out his own lunch.

ZombieKoala · 10/05/2015 09:52

Weekend lunches tend to be a fend for yourself affair here so it wouodnt have annoyed me. There are days when one of us will prepare something for everyone, or an adult gets their own and for whichever child has moaned ahout being hungry, or kids get their own and adults get their own. Sometimes we will ask each other, other times not. But it all turns out equal in the long run.

His comment would irritate me.

Original poster

Tybaltly · 10/05/2015 10:14

Pan I was agog at your post!

I'm not breastfeeding!! I do the majority of housework usually as I'm a SAHM but DH does his share when he's home. I usually do lunch for us all on a Saturday, but it's not set in stone and I didn't say that I would be doing it yesterday.

So I asked him what he meant by opt out and he didn't remember saying it.. But I said how it made me feel and he apologised and all is well. Until lunchtime!

Thanks for all the comments, they were helpful.

OP posts:

ConfusedInBath · 10/05/2015 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 10/05/2015 12:04

'So I asked him what he meant by opt out and he didn't remember saying it.. But I said how it made me feel and he apologised and all is well. Until lunchtime!'

A victory for common sense, hurrah!

Defeat for the shit stirrers and purveyors of doom

Lunchgate can be assigned to the dustbin of history.

ConfusedInBath · 10/05/2015 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostPuppy · 10/05/2015 21:34

Yes of course you are being unreasonable. You had a lie in. He made lunch for the kids and made do himself with last night's leftovers! What an evil bastard!

MitzyLeFrouf · 11/05/2015 10:18

In your own mind or actually written down heh Mitzy?

No dear, on the actual thread. Maybe next time to y'know read the thread making yourself look like such an idiot? Just a tip.

Oh and you come across as a grade A man hater.
Very strange repsonses from you.

Yaaaaawn. I'm a huge fan of the men in my life.

I have noticed a contingent on MN who are always determined to say the man is right though. You appear to be one of those.

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