To be annoyed DH has made lunch

[Tybaltly]

For the children and himself but not me!

Background: today I had a lie in day, DH took the children swimming and I was in the bath when they got back. I then dried my hair. When I went downstairs the children were eating pasta and DH was having last nights takeaway. When I asked if he'd made anything for me he said I'd "opted out".

I cook most meals, at weekends we usually eat the same food as a family. I am feeling really annoyed that this isn't reciprocated. But then I was having a lazy day and upstairs when they started eating?

AIBU at feeling annoyed? Because I really do!

Tbh - if he was eating last nights take away -then I presume the kids pasta was a very basic jobby - and that he presumed you'd prefer to fix your own 'grown up' snack like he had. i.e. letting you off making yummy faced at the soggy broccoli

YANBU.

I don't get it. He could have just shouted to you that he was making lunch for the kids and asked if you want any.

It just seems like there isn't much partnership, you know, a bit of give and take.

The 'opted out' comment is bizarre, was it passive aggressive?
But to be honest getting a Saturday morning lie in while DH takes the kids swimming sounds like bliss. I wish my DH would do things like that without my nagging

Is it okay if I call him a tosser?

He sounds like a tosser who was punishing you for having a bit of time to yourself. Next time you're making lunch for the family cook everyone else lobster thermidor and give him a cup-a-soup garnished with hair from the bathroom plughole.

Was "opted out" the first thing that popped into his head when he realised he'd forgot to save you anything so went on the defensive!

I wouldn't expect him to make me anything under the circumstances. However, I'd be annoyed if he'd troughed all the leftovers, unless there wasn't much left.

Hmmm, not sure on this.

At face value its not a big deal at all really. He did the kids lunch and he snacked on leftovers (thats akin to say, opening a packet of crisps without offering you one IMO) but the fact that he said "you opted out" seems a bit off and has resentful undertones.

Are you safe right now? He is emotionally abusing you and there is probably an OW behind the scenes somewhere. Start taking down details of his finances, pensions and any other assets. Keep a diary of any future times where he has a biscuit or cup of tea without offering you one, he is clearly following 'the script' here. Download a mobile phone tracker as well as a keyboard logger, you need to start collecting evidence. It is not snooping or an invasion of privacy as he has driven you to these lengths with his disgusting behaviour. Book an appointment with a solicitor, they usually offer a 30min free session.

Or make yourself a sandwich and chill the fuck out.

^^JESUS CHRIST thank fuck I skipped to the bottom.

There are people on MN who go OTT on the 'he is emotionally abusing you' mode.

There are also people who fall over themselves insist that people never have the right to be pissed off.

There is a middle ground.

Did he know you were having a 'lazy day' or did you just assume it was ok?

He fed the kids. I wouldn't have expected DH to make me anything in the circumstances you describe.

TBH, had I got up & taken the kids swimming at the weekend, then come home & made lunch for them all whilst DH was in bed, I would be furious if he then came swanning downstairs asking where his was!

I wouldn't be fussed because I don't see it's the place of one adult to cook or clean for another. If he'd got himself a meal and not done anything for the children I'd have raised hell. Not providing lunch for me, particularly as I wasn't available at the time, wouldn't have even registered with me.

I suppose it depends on how innocent he sounded when he said you had "opted out" i.e. did he really think that or was he just being passive aggressive because he was annoyed that you were having the morning off.

He seems to have been getting you back for not going swimming. Which is childish.

It's rude to not ask someone if they want something, if you are making food

What nasty passive aggressive behaviour!

... yes, the 'opted out' is the thing.

If DH had had a long lie in and a bath while i'd taken the kids out and then knocked them up a bit of pasta at lunch time i'd be a bit about him coming down expecting me to have made his lunch as well.

He didn't make any lunch for himself, he just had leftovers.

Seriously Santa? The OP states she cooks most meals why would you be 'furious' at her having a Saturday morning to herself? I'm assuming it isn't a regular thing.

Bizarre.

Not at all bizarre.

I didn't say I would be furious at anyone having a morning to themselves! I said I would be furious at the expectation of a meal cooked for you when you got downstairs.

Having a quiet morning is lovely, expect to get your own lunch though!

I think Santa has a solid point, if you spend the morning with the kids then cook for the kids but not yourself while DP was having a lazy day and DP then expected food when you didn't even bother cooking yourself something it could be seen as being unreasonable.

It just seems very childish to me to go out of your way not to offer to lunch to someone if you're making it for everyone else in the house.

Fine if one parent had an easy time of it every Saturday and left it to the other to tend to the kids. But I don't think that's the case here.

I don't think he did anything wrong, tbh! Unless he scoffed all of the takeaway and you were meant to share it?! Here we usually sort ourselves out if we are both home at weekends, then one or other of us makes lunch for kids.

I would leave it for now op but it was a snide remark to say you are opting out rather than you enjoying your break which, in fairness, isn't much of a break anyway.

I would be upset over this. What does he expect you to eat?