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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH has made lunch

122 replies

Tybaltly · 09/05/2015 12:37

For the children and himself but not me!

Background: today I had a lie in day, DH took the children swimming and I was in the bath when they got back. I then dried my hair. When I went downstairs the children were eating pasta and DH was having last nights takeaway. When I asked if he'd made anything for me he said I'd "opted out".

I cook most meals, at weekends we usually eat the same food as a family. I am feeling really annoyed that this isn't reciprocated. But then I was having a lazy day and upstairs when they started eating?

AIBU at feeling annoyed? Because I really do!

OP posts:
mrsmeerkat · 09/05/2015 14:34

Did he expect lunch to be prepared for you all for them coming back from swimming. That could be it

Zippidydoodah · 09/05/2015 14:35

I do find it helpful to reverse the situation, as others have already. Yes, if it were the other way round, there would be plenty of shouts of "he can get his own bloody lunch!"

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 09/05/2015 14:37

I would agree with you had he cooked a full meal for everyone bar the OP. A roast dinner for example.

Doing a quick bit of pasta for two children after swimming & then picking at last night's takeaway leftovers yourself is a different scenario to my mind. And I wouldn't say he "went out of his way not to offer lunch". I'd say he fed those who were there to be fed (namely the children), whilst OP was in the bath.

MitzyLeFrouf · 09/05/2015 14:38

I have reversed the situation in my own mind. Still think it's childish.

It's the not the way I'd like to live 'Well you had (a) so I'm not going to give you (b)'. Seems like a tiresome tit for tat way to live.

But each house has it's own way of doing things I suppose.

MitzyLeFrouf · 09/05/2015 14:40

Anyway, this has just made me realise that I haven't had my own lunch!

DonVitoCorleone · 09/05/2015 14:41

*Having said that, if this was your DH moaning that you didn't make him lunch, I'm sure there would be cries of...

"He had a leisurely lie in, a bath, dried his hair and then waltzed down the stairs at lunchtime?? Tell him to get his own bloody lunch"*

I agree

Koalafications · 09/05/2015 14:44

I do find it helpful to reverse the situation, as others have already. Yes, if it were the other way round, there would be plenty of shouts of "he can get his own bloody lunch!"

Not from me.

DH and I are a partnership. We do things for each other all the time to make life easier. I just couldn't imagine him behaving like this and I wouldn't do it to him either.

That being said it was hardly the end of the world, just an example of selfish behaviour.

NRomanoff · 09/05/2015 14:47

The opt our comment is odd.

But he actually just made lunch for the kids and ate left overs. If a man demanded lunch made by his wife, people would be outraged.

You were busy upstairs. If i were him I would assume you will grab something whenever you come down.

BlinkAndMiss · 09/05/2015 15:04

Well the "opted out" comment would have me fizzing but I am hormonal and unreasonable because I'm 38 weeks pregnant but the not making me lunch wouldn't bother me. He's been out, probably didn't know when you'd had breakfast and has just chosen to leave you to it. Nothing wrong with that IMO. It does sound like he's a bit resentful of your quiet morning though.

LindyHemming · 09/05/2015 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming · 09/05/2015 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toffeecrispandacupoftea · 09/05/2015 15:33

This wouldn't annoy me at all.

I made lunch for DD and I today because DH wasn't back from work yet. I made his breakfast and will make a meal this evening. There is food in the fridge and half a fresh cake I made on the side for him.

He came back as I was finishing making food for us and not him and made himself a sandwich and we ate together.

Not much different and he had been at work and I had been cleaning. Hadn't occurred to me (or him) that I was a "selfish idiot" Hmm

Basically agreeing with others that if this was the other way round people would be annoyed with the man.

mrsmeerkat · 09/05/2015 15:39

I think there is a difference though. Op is constantly cooking for dh. You had a cake and sandwich stuff ready for him in the fridge. He could have said I sorted the kids and tucked into the takeaway so didn't think to cook for you. He deliberately said he didn't make anything for her because she didn't do the swimming trip. It was a dig. Op is running the ship and still breastfeeding so I think he was unkind tbh

MitzyLeFrouf · 09/05/2015 15:45

I agree mrsmeerkat. The OP does most of the cooking. That is a significant fact.

And he was being snippy because she had the temerity to take a few hours for herself on a Saturday morning.

toffeecrispandacupoftea · 09/05/2015 15:54

Yes, I do see the difference but I still don't think I would have taken it to heart.

He took the DCs so the op could have some time to herself (as he should I appreciate that is totally reasonable). Then he made them lunch rather than expecting her to and picked at some left overs himself.

If he had made everyone a meal except her I would have thought that was pretty bad but if this had been me I would just have been pleased (and surprised to be honest) my DH had sorted out food for the kids.

Every relationship is different though, I just probably wouldn't have minded if my DH had done this.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/05/2015 15:55

How often do you have a Saturday morning to relax, OP? If it's every Saturday, then what usually happens at lunchtime? Or did you have to beg/nag/demand/plead that he let you have a rest just this one Saturday?

If it's the latter, then not making lunch for you is a punishment, and a reminder that you are slacking in your duties and that your time is about up.

If you usually each take one weekend morning for leisure time then it's odd that this happened, particularly his comment that you had 'opted out'.

TapDancingMollusc · 09/05/2015 16:00

I would have challenged the "opted out" comment immediately. It's snide and unnecessary. Had he said, "I was hungry, you were in the bath, and I thought I would do you something when you came down" that would have been different.

Ever one to fan the flames, when I was preparing the next meal I would start to prep and then ask him if he's "opting in for this meal or will he do his own like last time?" and watch his reaction. Grin (Making sure to use the phrase "opting in" and "opting out" as many times as you can fit it in!)

TheMagnificientFour · 09/05/2015 16:09

In my house, politeness means that you will always ask all the people if they want to eat lunch with the family or what do they want. In that case, DH would have come to see me and said 'Im just having yesterdays left over. What would you like?'
Which is really the minimum you can do.

The 'opted out' would have pissed me off. because actually he has opted you out not the other way around.

SpringBreaker · 09/05/2015 16:15

Maybe he assumed that you had managed to make yourself something while he was out...

He was eating leftovers, hardly a freshly prepared gourmet meal..

Yabu

SandBarIsland · 09/05/2015 16:28

Well obviously there is something else in the background in his mind.
YANBU.

TheMagnificientFour · 09/05/2015 16:31

But why assuming when she was in the house and he could just have asked? Did he think he was a mind reader?
And why the comment abut 'opting out'?

LadyDeadpool · 09/05/2015 16:32

Was the pasta cold? If it was hot he had no way of knowing if you'd be down in time to enjoy it as you were in the bath.

He did a nice thing for you let the lunch slide. It's just not worth picking fault over something so small when he enabled your lazy morning.

TheMagnificientFour · 09/05/2015 16:39

But again why not ASKING her? She was in the house fgs. Is it really that difficult to speak to your partner who is on the different room than you?

TheMagnificientFour · 09/05/2015 16:39

And pasta can be rewarmed so it's not even an excuse anyway....

madwomanbackintheattic · 09/05/2015 16:41

My assumption is that the dh was just getting on with the day and continuing to I look after the kids, and that he didn't want to disrupt whatever it was that the op was doing - sleeping, bathing, whatever. He probably thought he's let her have a bit of me time, and that she'd grab whatever she wanted when she wanted it. Or that she had already been down and got something whilst he was out with the kids. Or any number of other things.

Pan's post was v funny. I read it with my mouth hanging open and then got to the last line. Truly bazinga. Grin

Make yourself a sarnie. And be truly content that you had a lovely morning to yourself, with not even harassment about whether you wanted half a spoon of leftovers when you weren't yet ready to join the family. Grin

opted out is kinda funny. I don't read it in an aggressive sense, just a 'oh, I didn't think you were eating with us?' Sense.

Although he may have felt a mildy aggrieved that you were moaning about not being summoned to share leftovers when he had been running around for swimming lessons lol.

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