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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so bloody pissed off with (d)h right now.

78 replies

devon004 · 09/05/2015 11:30

So we have 3 dc. 2 primary aged and a 2 1/2 year old. Dh wrks long hours during the week and pretty much does nothing in the house except sort food for himself during the week as he is soo tired after work he would rather deep fat chips or crisps and cheese over a proper meal. As a result he is a little anaemic but yet again allowed himself to run out of tablets.
I am pretty much a sahm but do some ad hoc paid work.
Due to his early starts (up at 6, me at 7) he feels he needs weekend lie in more than me despite me doing the night wakings. (Thankfully rare now)
Now today I woke up 1st , gave youngest a quick breastfeed and than dozed whilst dh got up as he had to leave 1st today. Our eldest boy had a football tournament. They left and I got up as I had to take middle child to a party. Neither child had been given breakfast and both had soiled nappies and pull up on. (Middle one has soiling isses and minor sensory and anxiety issues.
Aibu to think if you are up 1st you should do breakfast and toileting as a fucking minimum. It just seems like he is of the opinion ghat all tge crap (lierslly) jobds are mine 24/7.
To be honest I have had to wuestin why middle child pull has not been vhanged before and he will say I adk him 4 times to get clothes.
aibu to think he should be more proactive.

OP posts:
Original poster
devon004 · 09/05/2015 11:33

Sorry foe typos but you get the gist (fat fingers)

OP posts:
Original poster
devon004 · 09/05/2015 11:34

Question why middle child had not been changed. Sorry

OP posts:
mrsmeerkat · 09/05/2015 11:40

Oh op I am with you on this one. I would spell it out to him very clearly that its not on. He works long hours and you understand that but its selfish of him not to pitch in at home. Tell him he is a father by isn't acting fully as one.

I have had a lot of work to do with dh and nearly left him at one point when was left with baby all weekend and pregnant with number two worked full time yet he spend all day sat his hobby and came home at 6 pm for dinner. One night I just let rip. I went away on my own all day sunday. Then after that I calmly told him he is not living with his mother. She spoilt them.

Can you nip away on a sat morning ?

mrsmeerkat · 09/05/2015 11:43

I think you need to nip off tomorrow either on your own or with the youngest leave himat it.

Original poster
devon004 · 09/05/2015 11:47

I think his mum did spoil him and his dad was a sexist pig. Found this out quite recently. Sadly can't tomorrow but I need to have a steroid injection soon which involves rest afterwards. I will get it donevlast thing Friday and milk it over weekend.

OP posts:
mrsmeerkat · 09/05/2015 12:35

I knew he had been spoilt and its hard too change their ways. I women's work and men's work type of shit.

I actuallyike my mil but she mad a rod for be own back and is very old school. Fail can only make bread and jam.refuses to eat out. When i married dh I was shown what food to buy him and shown how to bake bread. Absolutely ridiculous. I did it for a while but have subtlety told her that I am too busy its the modern era we are living in. One of the times I baked bread dh said I should have a cake cooking too as his man did. Oh Ffd crazy.

mrsmeerkat · 09/05/2015 13:13

I knew he had been spoilt and its hard too change their ways. I women's work and men's work type of shit.

I actuallyike my mil but she mad a rod for be own back and is very old school. Fail can only make bread and jam.refuses to eat out. When i married dh I was shown what food to buy him and shown how to bake bread. Absolutely ridiculous. I did it for a while but have subtlety told her that I am too busy its the modern era we are living in. One of the times I baked bread dh said I should have a cake cooking too as his man did. Oh Ffd crazy.

Tryharder · 09/05/2015 13:42

If your DH was sat around on his fat arse all day I would sympathise. But he works very long hours as do you.

You are both hardworking people and therefore I don't think either of you is at fault here. I think you need to let this one slide.

Topseyt · 09/05/2015 13:52

Whoever gets up with the kids first st weekends should do the morning nappies.

That was our rule when ours were that age.

Laquitar · 09/05/2015 17:19

Leaving the children (and especially an older child who still needs nappies) in soiled nappies is gross rdgardless of who works more imo.

Piratespoo · 09/05/2015 17:24

Why are you not cooking his dinner for him in the evening? I work part time with two dc but I always get a meal on the table for when dh comes in....

BigRedBall · 09/05/2015 17:31

Yes I was going to ask why you don't cook his dinner?
I understand It's very hard adjusting to having to cook a meal for someone else when you first start living together but after 3 children surely it becomes normal? My DH works long hours too but I always make healthy food so he keeps healthy. I think you should care a little bit about your dh's health if he's anaemic and doesn't have time to cook meals.

As for the nappies. Yes. Been there, done that, got the badge. You really need to discuss this with him and how it makes you feel. Talking things out do help. He shouldn't be doing this.

Agrestic · 09/05/2015 17:36

Sorry, you got up first? So you should have sorted the nappies?

pointythings · 09/05/2015 17:47

I got the impression that OP's H doesn't want a proper meal when he gets in, only deep fried crap. I'd be very surprised if she hadn't tried leaving him something better to eat.

And it's the H who gets up earlier, so he should be dealing with the nappies.

Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 01:35

Dd co sleeps so I fed in the bed than dozed as she got up. Dc and I eat before dh gets home. I would save some but he prefers to snack during the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 01:39

During the week he gets up 1st and goes to work. I sort dc snd fightly so. Most weekend mornings I get up 1st and therefore do breakfadt nappies etc so today I thought he would do the same. But no he just himself up and out as per usual. Ds1 of course takes card of himself but you would think he was superdad according to his mum for watching football tournament whils I hold the fort at home.

OP posts:
GlitterTwinkleToes · 10/05/2015 02:03

You said you got up first though? So why wouldn't you change the nappies? Hmm

You too need to sit down and talk about this, yes he works long hours but you do the majority of the childcare (I presume) and the household chores, he needs to pull his weight as well where possible.

Why don't you make him food up in the evenings? His choice to eat it or leave it and it could always be reheated up the next day for lunch

Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 04:31

I didn't actually get up though. I laid in bed whilst dd had a quick feed whilst I dozed.
He is the one chosing not to eat what I cook. He prefers snacking on cheese, chips etc. I do actually offer if we are eating later but he just isn't interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 04:32

So much for rare night wakings. Tonight is the exception.

OP posts:
Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 04:33

Woke 1st not got up ist.

OP posts:
ovumahead · 10/05/2015 05:30

You both sound so busy. He sounds as though he's getting away with not pitching in at home tho. Does he do any chores? Shopping? I'd set some time aside and have a serious talk about how he also has parental responsibility despite working. It's neglectful to leave a child in a dirty nappy. It's also neglectful to not look after his own health. And why do you need steroids? Do you have an autoimmune disease? If so this also needs to be taken into account. Something has to change in this situation before you all get depressed.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 10/05/2015 06:46

He's neglecting his kids by leaving them in dirty nappies. Point this out to him.

He's also neglecting his own health and must feel like shit if he's anaemic. He has responsibilities and can't do this.

You need to have a serious talk to him about this.

paxtecum · 10/05/2015 06:58

What does DH eat in the day whilst at work?

He needs to sort out his eating habits - he is running on empty.

VashtaNerada · 10/05/2015 07:19

Weekends should be 50/50 if you're at home with a child during the week. Both working and childcare can be very stressful (and both can be fine depending on your circumstances - but it sounds to me like you both work hard). When I was on maternity leave we took turns for lie-ins on the weekend, I think that's fairly standard.

CaptainZoot · 10/05/2015 07:49

You both sound knackered and yes. First one up should do nappies, goes without saying. YANBU.

How severe is the anemia? If he's on medication his iron levels are clinically abnormal and hes not going to get better by eating a diet of processed carbohydrates, hydrogenated fats and cheese!

There are pathogenic bacteria living in the gut which feed on iron. Iron tablets can make the problem worse. He's making himself ill by eating a poor diet and as a result is unable to pull him weight around the house.

He needs to sort that out. Stop pigging out on junk, sit down and have a proper meal And take a good quality probiotic. No wonder he feels like crap and is useless most of the time.

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