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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be so bloody pissed off with (d)h right now.

78 replies

devon004 · 09/05/2015 11:30

So we have 3 dc. 2 primary aged and a 2 1/2 year old. Dh wrks long hours during the week and pretty much does nothing in the house except sort food for himself during the week as he is soo tired after work he would rather deep fat chips or crisps and cheese over a proper meal. As a result he is a little anaemic but yet again allowed himself to run out of tablets.
I am pretty much a sahm but do some ad hoc paid work.
Due to his early starts (up at 6, me at 7) he feels he needs weekend lie in more than me despite me doing the night wakings. (Thankfully rare now)
Now today I woke up 1st , gave youngest a quick breastfeed and than dozed whilst dh got up as he had to leave 1st today. Our eldest boy had a football tournament. They left and I got up as I had to take middle child to a party. Neither child had been given breakfast and both had soiled nappies and pull up on. (Middle one has soiling isses and minor sensory and anxiety issues.
Aibu to think if you are up 1st you should do breakfast and toileting as a fucking minimum. It just seems like he is of the opinion ghat all tge crap (lierslly) jobds are mine 24/7.
To be honest I have had to wuestin why middle child pull has not been vhanged before and he will say I adk him 4 times to get clothes.
aibu to think he should be more proactive.

OP posts:
SorchaN · 10/05/2015 12:25

If he's anaemic and not eating healthily (not much iron in chips) and running out of medication, then he's probably very tired all the time - as are you, of course, for different reasons. But it sounds like he's not thinking about the bigger picture. His choices are probably making him feel worse.

No one should leave their child in a soiled nappy. Even if your husband didn't give the kids breakfast, he should have changed nappies / pull ups.

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 13:03

Thumb I am listening to the OP. I'm just not sugar coating things. I have three kids slightly younger than OP's (2 at home, 1 at primary school) so I know there's a heck a lot of work. I know the housework is endless, the school runs, the organisation etcetc is grinding and she'll be tired too.

But can't ignore the fact that OP's DH sounds vv unhealthy, tired and ill. It's not going to be "helpful" either to the OP if her DH gets seriously ill. Having a deep fat frier as standard in the house is not healthy under any circumstances. OP, deep fat friers went out in the 70's. They Yes, I said it.

Yes OP's DH he's a grown adult blah blah but sometimes some people get very stuck in an unhealthy tired out cycle.

If you want me to say "OP what an ass your DH is" just to be PC and popular it ain't gonna happen. I think she can take more action than it sounds. That does NOT TRANSLATE TO doing more housework. I mean she needs to look at the bigger picture. Not because she woman, he man. But because it sounds like he needs it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2015 13:06

It's HIS CHOICE. He's not a child. OP says he wouldn't eat food even if she did prepare it for him, so there's no point wasting food, is there.

NickiFury · 10/05/2015 13:09

Perhaps she should sit and physically feed him too Mittens? Ensure that he gets adequate nutrition, seeing as he can't seem to manage to actually perform the physical act of eating Hmm.

As for the nappies, whoever is there first changes them. Can't be doing with "turn taking" when I comes to that. I think it's pathetic.

HopefulHamster · 10/05/2015 13:26

I am on mat leave and my husband is full time but makes at least half our meals... I know that's not the point of the thread but I don't see it as such a HUGE deal for both partners to pitch in in the evenings. I am normally the more tired one in our house.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/05/2015 13:41

She's not his mother and has no right to be ordering him to eat her choice of meals,he has every right to chose to eat what he wants.

If it makes him unwell then he should look again at his choices

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 14:15

Well, needs & nicki, if OP's DH carries on and makes himself seriously ill she'll find herself with even more to do and less lie-ins than she does now.

Talking to him does not mean ordering him to eat her choice of meal or physically feeding him. Typical hysterical reaction from some MN who can't see the bigger picture. It means noticing that her DH is not doing very well currently and trying to help him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2015 14:20

Yes, because I'm sure that never crossed her mind before, did it. Hmm

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/05/2015 14:24

Has the op given any indication that he's not a fully functioning adult?

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 14:25

She's not showing that much concern about it though, Thumb.Hmm Why not re-read the original post.

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 14:31

Needs even "fully functioning adults" are still not immune from requiring additonal support or help from time to time. Part of being a family is recognising when one of you is going off-track and OP has already stated he has health issues as a result of his lifestyle.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2015 14:43

She's not BECAUSE this thread is NOT ABOUT HIS DIET. It's about his inability to change dirty nappies in the morning when he was up first.

devon004 · 10/05/2015 15:12

I am actually concerned and I have discussed diet etc and have been "nagging" about iron tablets for weeks. His anaemia levels have improved and will get better now I sorted out his prescription.
I struggle to get my middle ds to eat healthier so heavens knows how I should be responsible for a grown adult.
o and actually school holiday are a piece of cake compared to term times. 4 less school runs a day and no swimming, cubs, scouts etc etc. Plus all 3 kids can play out together in garden and I can get loads done.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2015 15:16

Sorry devon if it looked like I was saying that you weren't concerned - I meant that you weren't showing much concern in your OP because that was not what this thread was about. I'm quite sure you are concerned, and shouldn't have needed to justify that.

devon004 · 10/05/2015 15:24

Thanks thumb

OP posts:
devon004 · 11/05/2015 09:19

Just had a thought re early starts in the way. In a way it is irrelevant as he goes to bed a good hour or so before I manage to. I like to sort kitchen and packed lunches etc forthe morning so I don't come down to a tip. At least dh ooked yesterday even it was burger and chipso and mittens are you my sil?

OP posts:
devon004 · 11/05/2015 09:26

That works both way thoughmittens. When I had my colonoscopy under sedation he worked from home as he clearly didn think it was important enough to take annual leave. He took leave a few months later to go to an exhibition he could have done at the weekend.
Actually I have been really worried about his health and cut him lots of slack as I was worried something serious was wrong but thankfully his tests came back clear. He
also didn't cut me any slack in the early days when dd3 would be awake for hours at a time.

OP posts:
devon004 · 11/05/2015 09:28

O and thumb I was replying more to mittens

OP posts:
OhMittens · 11/05/2015 20:28

I don't know you or all your historical relationship catalogue of wrongs.

What I am particularly focussing on is that your DH's health and diet and extreme tiredness sound not good and that is more concerning to me than the fact he didn't change the nappies whilst you were dozing.

What the PC yes-posters here aren't getting is that if your DH goes down, you go down. I'm proposing a more strategic response than "you're not his mother, he can sort himself out. It's in your interests to try to help him.
Even if he's grumpy and you have grievances.

Nobody can live healthily on burgers, deep fried chips and cheese as a normal dinner and to the extent that they have developed anaemia.

Thumb "She's not BECAUSE this thread is NOT ABOUT HIS DIET. It's about his inability to change dirty nappies in the morning when he was up first.". Did I bring his diet up? NO. OP brings up his diet in the very first paragraph of her OP as it's relevant to his exhaustion.

TLDR: OP forget the past, help your DH. Thumb, back atcha. Smile

devon004 · 12/05/2015 12:43

I mentioned it as he uses it as an excuse to do nothing to help every evening and it was relevant to the fact that actually him sorting his own food actually increased my workload as his meal leaves a new mess. His iron levels have now improved but his diet not so. I have as said before discussed improving his diet etc but can't force him.I have also been the one proactively sorting out his medication.
I guess it annoys me that he is using something which is preventable as a means of doing as little as possible. He always has the energy to attend every single home game though but also lies in before so I am up with dc. He gets up and pretty much does nothing on every match day.
There were times in the early days when I was exhausted from mammoth nighttime feeding sessions but I had to carry on and do school runs and change nappies.
Did school runs 5 days post csection.

OP posts:
OhMittens · 12/05/2015 14:21

Sounds like a lot of things are going off-track and a conversation is definitely required.

Both of you have a right to a life. It's OK for him to go to every home game if you get the equivalent. If you don't have an equivalent, decide what you would like to do with 3+ spare hours to yourself.

The meals thing - no, you can't force him to eat differently but like I said, nobody can healthily exist on the sorts of eating habits you have described. You say he's tired when he gets in - would he really prefer to start deep-frying chips (surely requires potato prep, waiting for the oil to heat etc?) over sitting down immediately to a portion of homemade, pre-cooked chilli & rice, spag bol or similar? He would be a seriously unusual person to say "No - you can keep your steaming plate of home-made chilli & rice. I'm going to nibble on cheese and think about firing up the deep-fat fryer"...

It's been said so many times but you really can batch cook so you're not cooking every day. The Hairy Bikers cook books are stuffed full of great, filling meals, and a lot of them can be made in advance. Nor am I suggesting you do it all. I think you should handle it between you. As you're at home more, it makes sense for you to probably undertake the lion's share - this is not sexist, it's practical and I would say the same if your DH was at home and you were at work - so you cover 5 healthy meals a week, DH responsible for 2. Sometimes you can get good offers on pre-prepared chicken breast meals which you then only have to bung in the oven and chuck veg & potatoes in a pan to go with. Even some fresh, filled pasta & pesto or fresh sauce, garlic bread from the freezer and a thrown-together side salad takes less than 7 minutes to cook. (that's the garlic bread. Pasta is 4-5 mins boil). Usually lots of good offers on the pasta aisle too.

Then the issue of lie-ins. I think if you made an agreement in advance who was doing what, it would be a lot easier. Eg decide for definite that when someone is having their lie-in, the other gets up, does nappies and breakfast and dresses the children, so there's no misunderstanding. Every so often it will go wrong if someone is running late but overall, that's the deal.

The thing is, all of this is useless, unless you actually want things to change. I have a friend who is probably 4-5 stones overweight and is constantly moaning about how awful she feels, can't find anything to wear etc. However she's just not interested in changing her eating habits. So she kind of wants it both ways - to be slim but not put any effort into getting there. If she was fat and happy, fine, but she's fat and unhappy. This has been going on for years too. Another friend's house is a tip and she hates that - but she won't tidy it up, or have anyone help her clean it up. Old stuff is piled up in her garden and all it would take is a trip to the tip - she has a car - there's a tip 10 mins away - will she do it - No.

cailindana · 12/05/2015 14:30

OhMittens - is it your view that the OP should put all the effort into running their life and put effort into changing her DH while her dh does nothing?

devon004 · 12/05/2015 15:06

No potato prep. Just heat oil and bung in. He won't eat pasta or any of those lovely meals you described. So clearly he is a very unusual person.
As it is I am cooking every night bar 1 weekend evening and doing virtually all breakfasts and lunches for dc. It would be easy to make extra but it is a waste of time if it won't be eaten.
plus all bedtimes.
plus all the washing up bar the odd bowl every two weeks.

OP posts:
devon004 · 12/05/2015 15:08

O and we did have an arrangement. Saturday was my lie in with baby whilst dh took ds1 and ds2 to swimming lessons. Once they stopped swimming my lie in seemed to stop too.

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 12/05/2015 15:47

Genuine question: how do you know they nappies were soiled before your husband left? Perhaps it happened between him getting up and you getting up.