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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so bloody pissed off with (d)h right now.

78 replies

devon004 · 09/05/2015 11:30

So we have 3 dc. 2 primary aged and a 2 1/2 year old. Dh wrks long hours during the week and pretty much does nothing in the house except sort food for himself during the week as he is soo tired after work he would rather deep fat chips or crisps and cheese over a proper meal. As a result he is a little anaemic but yet again allowed himself to run out of tablets.
I am pretty much a sahm but do some ad hoc paid work.
Due to his early starts (up at 6, me at 7) he feels he needs weekend lie in more than me despite me doing the night wakings. (Thankfully rare now)
Now today I woke up 1st , gave youngest a quick breastfeed and than dozed whilst dh got up as he had to leave 1st today. Our eldest boy had a football tournament. They left and I got up as I had to take middle child to a party. Neither child had been given breakfast and both had soiled nappies and pull up on. (Middle one has soiling isses and minor sensory and anxiety issues.
Aibu to think if you are up 1st you should do breakfast and toileting as a fucking minimum. It just seems like he is of the opinion ghat all tge crap (lierslly) jobds are mine 24/7.
To be honest I have had to wuestin why middle child pull has not been vhanged before and he will say I adk him 4 times to get clothes.
aibu to think he should be more proactive.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/05/2015 08:05

She actually said she woke up first not that she got up first.

He's a grown up who should be more than capable of making healthy food choices without the op needing to baby him.

Nothing wrong with cooking a meal for someone else but when they have expressed a desire to eat differntly it's just babying them to insist they don't

BuriedSardine · 10/05/2015 08:17

Presumably if you're the SAHP, you organise the shopping? Can't you just make sure there are healthy snacks for him to eat in the evening and ditch the fryer?

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 08:31

Sorry, but I've got three kids slightly younger than your and I think you are being way off.
Your DH works hard but you don't even sort out an evening meal for him during the week?
Yes he's an adult but it's about supporting each other. It's in your interests to keep your DH healthy.

Looking after 3 small kids is hard work - but your eldest two are primary aged, so during the day most weeks it'll just be you and your toddler. Although you have 3 kids, this isn't the same as having (say) 6mo triplets.
Your DH was up early to take one of the kids to football tournament. Doesn't sound like he's un-involved at the weekend.
Can't believe that on this occasion you have an issue with, essentially you did a breastfeed and then went back to sleep and appear to be complaining that no child had nappies done or were given breakfast. As though it should have been your DH's job? Why would it have been his job more than yours?
Sounds like you need to have a chat about practicalities with your DH but I seriously think that you have an air of entitlement about you.

Your poor eldest going off to football tournament with no breakfast.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 10/05/2015 08:51

I feel like I've stepped into a fifties time warp here... the OP asked if SIBU to have expected her DH to make sure the children were fed and changed when he was the only parent up with them (YANBU, btw) and she's just getting a load of grief about not having a cooked meal on the table for her DH every night and not taking enough responsibility for his nutritional status! Shock

She's already said that she offers him leftovers and he prefers to eat crap. Hmm Personally I'd probably do stuff in the slow cooker so it was there for him when he got in, or offer to make him something quick, but that's because I'd choose to not because he'd or a loads of women on MN expected it. OP is looking after 3 kids - it's not like she's sitting on her arse like I do most days. Grin He's a grown up. If he's anaemic then he needs to do something about it and if he needs help from his wife then he's capable of asking.

OP yes he should have changed and fed them. If he is rarely in that position (getting up first) could it be that it didn't occur to him it needed to be done?

As though it should have been your DH's job? Why would it have been his job more than yours?

Because he was up and she wasn't, FFS! It's not rocket science, is it? Hmm

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 08:52

Crabby he's up because he's taking the eldest to a match. Meanwhile the OP is dozing in bed ... She's still complaining. Fair, much?

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 08:53

That must be the equivalent of rocket science to you, I know Crabby Hmm

ovumahead · 10/05/2015 09:08

Wow. Lying in bed breastfeeding a child, and she should have got up to tend to the other children because her husband can't / won't? That's not entitled ffs. It's just sensible.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 10/05/2015 09:13

So what about all of the other weekend days when the OP gets up first...

Due to his early starts (him at 6, me at 7) he feels he needs weekend lie in more than me despite me doing the night wakings

But this is time warp world, clearly, when a housewife is not allowed a lie in with her breastfeeding child occasionally.

It's not rocket science, no. Just a load of sexist fucking claptrap.

mummypig14 · 10/05/2015 09:17

I can't believe that your a sahm and dont even cook him dinner!! Male/female has nothing to do with it, he's up before you and out all day and you can't bung him some dinner on?? I presume you cook for the dc's and yourself.

To be fair if he works all week he does deserve a lie in. Speaking as an ex sahm who now works full time, leaves at 6:30am and gets home at 7:30pm!! I am 10x more tired now.... Cut him a bit of slack!

MrNedSchneebly · 10/05/2015 09:19

This is so weird. Children have poo in their nappies you change them regardless of whose 'turn' it is or what the 'rule' is. Really odd of DH to just leave two children sitting in their own poo.

The breakfast thing less so if they weren't particularly hungry. Then again presumably he and DS1 had breakfast so dtrange not to make it for others as well.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2015 09:37

Yes, he absolutely should have changed their nappies. I can't be doing with it when DH tries to get out of this, because he apparently "hasn't noticed" - didn't want to notice more like.

bakingaddict · 10/05/2015 09:43

Look it's simple you each get a turn at the weekend to lie in. My DH likes to wind down on Fridays playing play station till the small hours so he takes Saturday as his day. If your doing all the night feeds you need to get some rest too regardless if your a SAHM or not. Shit like you should be making his dinner when he refuses to ever eat it is just nonsense. You need to have a bit of time to yourself.

Decent DH's understand this and don't ever use the argument that because they work they should get extra lie in time. In a solid cooperative relationship each recognises when the other needs help

maroonedwithfour · 10/05/2015 09:49

You should both get a lie in on alternate days (if you want) of course he should of changed shitty pull ups and dud breakfast, poor dcs! You are not the maid.

Why don't you do him dinner when you do dcs and yours?Confused

Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 09:50

What is the point of cooking a meal he won't bloody eat. It. His diet is so limited. Even on days I cook something he will eat he will say O I ate lunchtime .
Yes, I could cook his chips when he gets home but than I am either tidying kitchen from our meal or doing bedtime or club runs every night.

OP posts:
Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 09:54

Dscwill get his own brekfast. He normally doesn't bother.

OP posts:
maroonedwithfour · 10/05/2015 09:55

Fair enough op. No don't start cooking his bloody chips! I can't believe some of the replies on here.

Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 09:58

He did because he enjoys it and I had to take other one to a birthday party than drive a 50 mile round trip to pick up family. It is only now he is involved as football season for watching is over.

OP posts:
MrsKCastle · 10/05/2015 10:00

OP, I think some of the posters here are reading an entirely different thread! You've made it very clear that it's HIS choice to eat separate meals, not because you won't cook for him.

As for the actual question about not changing nappies/getting breakfast- YADNBU. Of course he should have done it. When you're up first, you do it automatically - it's called being a parent. You get one rare lie-in and quite rightly expect him to do it as a matter of course. Knowingly leaving a child in a soiled nappy is neglect IMO.

And no, OP was not entitled to expect that for once, her H would do what she does almost every weekend.

Original poster
devon004 · 10/05/2015 10:00

Because in an average 6 week period he may do 2 day if that and than its normally only 1 child. But he has done both this morning as we are out somewhere he wants to go.

OP posts:
ZombieKoala · 10/05/2015 10:04

Each parent gets one lie in. The adult who gets up first sorts out the basic needs of the children that cant fend for themselves, clean bums, fed and watered. i have no why a parent would think its ok to leave a baby in a soiled nappy.

Getting up at 6 am isnt particularly early and is no worse than frequently broken nights sleep. I have to get up at 6 every work day, so does my husband. If I had a choice between getting up at 5.30 and broken nights sleep I would opt for the early start.

ovumahead · 10/05/2015 10:35

I hope you're managing to ignore the unhelpful replies on here, op, and take what's helpful. You clearly sound unhappy with the situation and so something has to change. I work full time in an incredibly stressful job, but I'm about as tired (maybe less so?) than when I was on materwleave looking after 1 child. Imo childcare and housework is effing exhausting, thankless, and never ending. You need some support with it. If he were living alone, he'd likely be doing more. Having a young family was his choice too, I'm guessing? If so then going out to work and collapsing in a useless heap when he's at home, although understandable, isn't really enough when he has a family as well. He needs to stop behaving like a bachelor and you need to stop cooking his bloody chips! Leave Jim healthy leftovers from your tea and if he wants chips, he makes them. (just my opinion!)

ovumahead · 10/05/2015 10:36

Sorry for the typos. Jim=him. Unless his name happens to be Jim!

OhMittens · 10/05/2015 10:57

Crabbby "Just a load of sexist fucking claptrap." Not that you'd asked, but I would say the DH should be doing evening meals if he was a SAHP and the OP was working full time. It's got nothing to do with sexism and more to do with practicalities. I actually think it's reverse sexism to assume that a SAHM shouldn't lift a finger in the direction of her DH because "he's an adult, he can sort his own dinner out" etc.

Can't believe that people here think a daytime with one 2.5yo is oh so exhausting. The eldest two are at school, people! Fair enough school hols with three DCs is a different story, but during term times you can pack plenty into the six hours.

OP I think it sounds like you need to talk to your DH about practicalities. I am also concerned that his diet sounds extremely unhealthy - deep fried chips and cheese? Once in a while, ok, but as a go-to dinner that's really not good. It's definitely not healthy and it's also not a healthy model for your children either. This is not about snarking on food choices, it's that when you have kids and a home and a job to maintain it makes sense to try & keep yourself as healthy as possible or else it can all fall apart.

DixieNormas · 10/05/2015 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2015 11:55

OhMittens - you're REALLY not listening to what the OP is saying, are you. So your replies aren't that helpful. Try basing them on the OP's actual situation, rather than the one you think she should be adhering to based on your own opinions.

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