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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you've ever known anyone who has never been in a relationship?

112 replies

peachblossoms · 07/05/2015 17:04

And if you did, what were they like as a person? Were they quite peculiar?

OP posts:

Bursarymum · 07/05/2015 23:01

Yes - very likely to be a sociopath

DEATHcameforSirPterry · 07/05/2015 23:10

I've just thought of another one.
The was a chap in a hobby group that I belonged to who was 45 and had never had a relationship. He was a really great person, kind, helpful and had a wickedly clever sense of humour. At his birthday party he was quite sad that he wasn't likely to ever have a family and someone suggested that he try online dating. He had three disasterous dates and was talking, very amusingly, about them in a forum connected to this hobby. One of the other posters got chatting to him about her online dating horror stories, one thing led to another and they met up in real life. Fast forward about 5 years and they are very happily married with two gorgeous children. I believe, from things they've hinted, that they were both virgins when they met.

Ineedtimeoff · 07/05/2015 23:24

Me.
I have had sexual partners but I've never been able to make that move from 'dating' to a 'relationship'. I desperately wanted to be in one in my 20s and 30s but I just couldn't make it work, for various reasons. I suspect that a lot came down to my lack of confidence that anyone could love me for me, that I was never good enough. Also, I am a desperate romantic and the kind of love I was looking for was the stuff of novels and not real life. Now I'm in my 40s I've now came to the realisation that actually I quite like being by myself. I'm an introvert so need lots of time on my own to reflect and recharge my batteries. Sharing my home and life with someone would exhaust me.

OP, I think you have to make peace with who you are and perhaps the way to do that is to understand why you are that way and that means looking into your past. And of course it's 2015, you don't have to be in a romantic relationship to have children. Good luck

StellaAlpina · 07/05/2015 23:42

I don't think my brother has, he's only 24 though.
He's perfectly nice, just shy and very busy with work.

BleachedBarnet · 07/05/2015 23:45

I know 2, one early 30s one late 20s. Both are women, and one is a virgin, possibly both.

Both are slightly eccentric but terribly sweet people. They have generally lived sheltered lives and both remain living with parents. One has crippling shyness and the other, I believe to be undiagnosed Aspergers.

Unfortunately I don't get a sense that either are happy in their current state. The shy friend in particular is desperate to find love and have children. It's rather sad.

maggiethemagpie · 07/05/2015 23:47

OP if you are looking for therapy on this issue I can recommend this

www.acat.me.uk

Latara · 08/05/2015 00:38

I haven't had a long-term relationship - in my 20s I had lots of short term flings / boyfriends. I chose (or was chosen by) men who were really unsuitable (into drugs etc) because I was a bit of a party girl.
Then I fell in love with a married man in my late 20s - he was briefly separated & dated me, then got back with his wife & moved away. Obviously I was upset.

In my 30s I've dated several men but since 2008 I've had quite serious MH illness which has put looking for a long-term relationship on hold really. I'm 38 now & would love to meet a man & have a baby.

I work with some decent men but they all have partners. Certain men have made it clear they would want an affair but I refuse to date a married man again.
So I think the way to go is online dating (which I have done before & dated men that way) or meeting men at my health club / gym, but I'm not very confident about my personality - I'm worried men will be bored with me.
Also I've had a stressful time lately & can feel myself slipping into paranoia at work again, so I need to get my meds sorted out before I'm in the right place to meet anyone.

To be honest it's my MH problems that make me wary of meeting men - my judgement is not very good & I've attracted bad guys in the past. And how do I tell someone why I can't drink alcohol now (anti-psychotic meds)? & that I can't drive or cycle due to uncontrolled petit mal epilepsy?

I'm not at all peculiar though, honest! I have some good friends, a good if low-paid job, my own house & I get compliments on my appearance. But I've been told I don't look happy lately which is probably because I do feel unwell at the moment, & looking miserable is not very attractive.

Kiwiinkits · 08/05/2015 02:06

Yes, up until a week ago I knew a woman in her 40s like this. She has FINALLY admitted to everyone that she's gay. Got a girlfriend straight away. We are all very happy for her (but wondered why she didn't come out sooner!)

Crocodopolis · 08/05/2015 08:59

Can we please stop with the "I think someone has Asperger's" shit. I have Asperger's and it is incredibly insulting for people who have no fucking idea about autism or what it's like to be diagnosing people.

Really, you lot should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

Penfold007 · 08/05/2015 09:14

My BIL is in his mid 50s and never been in a relationship or dated. He isn't peculiar just not interested. As one of five siblings he has lots of nieces and nephews, he's a great and much loved uncle.

ChaiseLounger · 08/05/2015 11:33

Agree. Can we please stop talking about people with Aspergers or people who are gay. Or weird.

There are tonnes of normal people who don't aswell. Please can we talk about these people.

Latara · 08/05/2015 11:44

One of my best friends doesn't seem interested in looking for a man / relationship.

I know she fancies men so I don't think she's asexual or gay. But she has some issues. She has a false leg & scars on her body due to cancer which she is very unconfident about discussing with a strange man. She is also going through an early menopause at 39 due to the cancer which means she can't have children.

She is more confident than me at talking to men she doesn't know but she is very wary of getting close to them because then she will have to tell them about her leg which worries her (she always wears trousers so no-one can tell she has a false leg).

I've suggested that she try online dating with me & I'd love her to come out to bars with me & try talking to men but she just won't. She's even stopped going to the gym much. She occasionally goes out for dinner or coffee with me & another friend but mainly socialises with her parents, or just goes to work & studies. I don't mention the subject of men now, I think she's just decided a relationship isn't for her.

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