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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you've ever known anyone who has never been in a relationship?

112 replies

peachblossoms · 07/05/2015 17:04

And if you did, what were they like as a person? Were they quite peculiar?

OP posts:
peachblossoms · 07/05/2015 17:31

Oh, don't be offended - it just sounded funny! Grin

Mind you I 'knew' at 25 I'd never meet anyone.

OP posts:
ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 07/05/2015 17:33

Yes, 4 people I'm close to- 2 in their 60's, 2 in their 40's.

Three of these 4 are completely 'normal', conventional, lovely and not in the least bit peculiar.

One, very peculiar. I'm certain his peculiarity is both nothing to do with the fact that he's never had a relationship, and ALSO the reason why he never has. He's a very lonely man, who also has some very unusual beliefs. He very much wants a relationship (wanted one with me, as I was friendly to him, became obsessive, I had to reduce contact), and is now committed in spirit to a friend of his who died- quite worrying. It's incredibly sad. I wish someone could help him, but I can't.

2 more who are celibate/ never been in relationships because they are priests. Both incredible, sorted, wise, amazing men.

squizita · 07/05/2015 17:33

Yes, a school friend whom I still see.

Her parents did everything they could to sweep her SN (possible ASD - most certainly neuro diverse) under the mat and shelter her. Complete denial and cover up - meaning she never got support in social stuff, academic stuff or careers. They're quite well off and faked it iyswim - expensive holidays with cousins so it looks like a girls night, working for parents so it looks like a job, school after school- leave when a teacher says they think she has SN.

It's very sad. It's resulted in her being like a teenager aged almost 40, no job (they got her a job, on paper, in their company. She didn't actually do it. When the branch closed, she was left with a CV that looks like a lie).

She is very literal. If a teen heart throb tweets "love all of you who came to my show" she can think he fancies her. Her mum plays along to the extent that once she thought she was engaged to a guy who said "I could marry you!" about her cooking.

She parrots her parents ideas about what nice girls wear (jumpers). She loves R&B and goes clubbing in jumpers, because dance clothes are ' slutty' but then gets frustrated men overlook her.
(If you watch the youtube comedy "Miranda Sings" and her cries "low cut is PORN" it's spookily similar).

It's all rather sad. At school I recall overhearing teachers trying to get them to see sense.
As someone who works with teens including those with SN I honestly think had she had support she'd have a job and perhaps a relationship now.

helenahandbag · 07/05/2015 17:35

I don't think it's funny for her though, she has been quite distressed about it in the past, especially when I got engaged. 25 isn't old but she is the odd one out in our circle of friends.

Hakluyt · 07/05/2015 17:35

I'm sorry, Helena,I'm didn't mean to offend you. For me 24 is just starting out- it wouldn't cross my mind that it was worth commenting on a 24 year old who hadn't had a relationship! It just struck me funny, that's all.

CMOTDibbler · 07/05/2015 17:37

One of DHs friends is in his early 40's and afaik has only been in one, very short lived relationship. He's a really lovely bloke, has a house/car/good job, but suffers from depression and is very shy.

cashewnutty · 07/05/2015 17:38

KittiesInsane I would doubt it - my relative has never been away to college!

RoboticSealpup · 07/05/2015 17:41

What do you mean by relationship? I have two really cool, smart and beautiful female friends (one is a model, in fact), and they both told me (separately) that they'd 'never had a boyfriend'. I guess they were around 26 at the time. I know they are not gay and that they've both dated guys, so I guess they just never had anything serious enough to warrant the label of 'relationship'.

They're not peculiar at all, but I think a lot of shallow guys are attracted to good looking women just to be turned off when they realise they have brains and opinions.

brownbananas · 07/05/2015 17:46

No, I don't know anyone over the age of about 25 who hasn't had some kind of relationship. Lots of them are oddballs (in a lovely way), some have autism diagnoses or suspected traits, but all have had some kind of relationship, if somewhat dysfunctional/short lived.

Canyouforgiveher · 07/05/2015 17:48

Good friend from college has never been in a relationship. I doubt if she has ever had sex. TBH I don't think she has ever been kissed.

she is a lovely woman, great company, lots of friends and interests. I think she is asexual and any romantic crushes she has had, even in college, have all been just that - romantic not sexual. I also think there is something ever so slightly remote about her. She definitely feels emotion and sympathy etc but it is like there is an extra layer so she doesn't feel things as keenly as other people.

Silentelf · 07/05/2015 17:49

Yes my brother until he was 33 and met my now sister-in-law. He's very normal. I think there are plenty of normal people much older who just haven't been lucky enough to meet the right person for them. Or are quite happy without a relationship but that doesn't make them strange.

owlborn · 07/05/2015 17:54

I've known a few. My great aunt died having never even kissed anyone - I guess she just never met anyone, but had a very successful career as headmistress of a famous girl's boarding school, had loads of her ex colleagues and students at her funeral, had a very good social life, lots of excellent friends, went travelling and did lots of volunteer work in retirement and had a very close family relationship with her sister (my grandmother) and the extended family. Lovely vibrant funny creative nurturing woman.

I've known some oddballs too, but so what? They've all been perfectly nice and haven't hurt anyone. I kind of admire them, living life on their own terms.

Buglife · 07/05/2015 17:59

Yes I know a woman in her late 20's who is in many ways an 'adult', has a job, bought a house alone after living at home for years and saving and never going out, but her personality is like a little girl or teenager, it's rather odd. She is just very emotionally immature and her tastes and conversation style is that of someone so much younger. Squeals like a child and bounces in her seat when she's excited for example. Also outside of her interests and work knowledge she is jaw droppingly uninformed, doesn't know who the prime minister is, asked who Hitler was etc. She's nice and has a small group of friends but is almost 'eeew, boys!' When it comes to the thought of an adult relationship.

Iflyaway · 07/05/2015 17:59

Interesting thread...

Relationships are the fabric of life. ("No (wo)man is an island").

It starts the day we are born. (Mum, dad, wider family..).

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with not jumping in to the first one you come across during your teen years/twenties. In fact, there is a HUGE cultural pressure to be in one, so I admire those who resist it.

As a 60-year-old myself (single and happy independent LP, by the way) I do wonder what stopped someone in their 40s/50s/60s to "take that jump".

Because relationships are the perfect mirror to self-knowledge too.

PP talked about parents who are so protective of their child they never let them "fly the nest".
These parents are doing their kids no favours when they are left to cope after they are gone.....

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 07/05/2015 18:00

Yes, 2.

One is SiL aged 33. Every time she sees me she tells me I dress like 'a lady who likes ladies', I often wonder if she's projecting and has some unresolved sexuality issues.

The other is a 41 year old man. Alcoholic, depressed, very religious upbringing. Not sure what the deal is. He does brag about his sexual conquests but they all sound a bit made up - lots of sex in the lift at work, etc.

MargoReadbetter · 07/05/2015 18:06

Yes, he is 50. A bit selfish but no more bizarre than others. He doesn't seem bothered and has a lovely time pursuing his hobbies (which are strangely sociable).

peachblossoms · 07/05/2015 18:06

Well, I'm nearly 35 and never been in one Blush

I have had counselling, it didn't help with this issue.

I think I am peculiar!

OP posts:
ChillieJeanie · 07/05/2015 18:30

Depends on your definition of relationship really. I suppose that strictly speaking I've had two, but I don't count either. One as a 17 year old with my best friend, which never really progressed beyond hanging out at school and at his house, and which continued in exactly the same manner after we 'split up' after a couple of months. He came out after A levels. The other was in my first year at uni when I had a drunken shag with a finalist, he assumed we were dating, everyone seemed very pleased he had a girlfriend, and I didn't have the heart to say 'Hang on a mo!' Fortunately it was only a week or so before the Christmas holidays and I broke it off two weeks into the next term. Aside from that, I've had a couple of FWBs who definitely don't count as relationships. I'm 37.

marshmallowpies · 07/05/2015 18:40

I'm 38 & have several friends long-term single/never had partners.

One friend gets plenty of attention from men when out in bars etc but I don't think wants to live with anyone. She'd be quite happy with a visiting boyfriend who had his own place but doesn't want to share her home with anyone, I think.

I have a male friend who still lives with his parents and has never had a girlfriend. The other single male guys I know are all 'players' - they actively don't want long term partners.

I do find that odd, slightly. I like living on my own before I met DH but much prefer living with someone than on my own. He'd never lived with a girlfriend before he met me, or even had a flatmate since his uni days. It did take us a while to get used to living with someone again, but we managed it!

Luciferbox · 07/05/2015 18:43

Yep, a good friend who is 33. Lives at home and has lots of friends but never had a partner. They're normal but I fear they're sad and lonely at times.

UptheChimney · 07/05/2015 18:43

What a nasty question to ask, and a really nasty assumption to make. Being in a relationship does not make you immune from being odd, and does not make you a better person.

Being in a relationship is mostly a matter of luck.

Eebahgum · 07/05/2015 18:43

I used to be this person but in my 30s things changed. How do you feel about it op? Are you happy to be single or would you like a relationship? Is the basis of thinking you're peculiar your lack of relationships or something else?

vdbfamily · 07/05/2015 18:45

I had my first relationship at 33. Married him at 34 and had 3 kids over the next 3.5 years. I thought I would be single for ever but was quite content with that thought. Anything can happen! I don't think I am strange. I am 6'1 and rather amazonian so might have scared a few men off!!!

glittertits · 07/05/2015 18:45

OP, are you worried about yourself?

Eebahgum · 07/05/2015 18:45

Upthechimney - did you miss that op is talking about herself?

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