Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driving 460 miles in one day to attend a birthday lunch??!? AIBU?

94 replies

MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 11:15

DH’s father lives 230 miles away from us, and the journey involves the M25. It usually takes approx. 5 hours by car, or 3.5 hours by train.

DH has often suggested we go and see FIL for day, but I think this is far too much driving in one day; neither of us are good at driving when we’re tired and whoever is driving back home struggles with the return journey. It’s only approx. £45 to get a Travel Lodge overnight, or the alternative is the train, and the train times work well for us.

As FIL is now very elderly and in poor health, we try and visit as often as we can.

Its FIL’s birthday soon, and a birthday lunch is arranged. Understandably, DH wants to go. However he insists we drive there and back the same day. I’m really opposed to this, on safety grounds. I’m suggesting we either overnight in a Travel Lodge, or use the train to go there and back the same day.

Due to FIL’s failing health, DH finds visits very upsetting, and given it’s going to be a difficult visit, I’m quite concerned that 10 hours driving on one day is frankly insane, when there are alternative options.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ErinBlockerBitch · 07/05/2015 11:19

No. Train might be the best option if you don't need to ferry elderly relatives around once you're there.

Other wise Travelodge.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/05/2015 11:20

I don't think you are U tbh.

I don't drive on my own yet but I Find two hour lessons in. my.local town exhausting. 10 hours seems excessive I think yku are being very sensible thinking if a hotel or the train.

After a journey tat long of want a glass of wine with lunch ffs. yours and other people's safety on the road trumps your Dh feelings in this case I would say.

I'm sorry he's in such bad health.

littlewoollypervert · 07/05/2015 11:20

He's vvvu, it's can be as dangerous to drive tired as it is to drive drunk!

If he's insistent, tell him you will drop him to the train after the visit, and you will then take the car to the nearest Travelodge and come back the next day.

Or he takes the car after dropping you at the Travelodge, and you get the train the next day (not as good an option as he's still driving while tired, but at least you won't be in the car).

AuntyMag10 · 07/05/2015 11:21

No Yanbu, it's really madness to do that amount especially since your dh will be a bit upset after seeing his dad. I would insist on using the train.

ShatnersBassoon · 07/05/2015 11:22

Is it that your husband thinks you can't afford the hotel or train? Can you afford it?

MellieGrant · 07/05/2015 11:24

Maybe when he's driving he doesn't think about his dad. The train might be too much 'thinking time' IFKWIM?

Why not propose splitting up the car journey? Is there not somewhere 2.5 hours away you could suddenly discover a desire to visit?

Seriouslyffs · 07/05/2015 11:24

Why doesn't he want to stay?

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 11:24

Shatners DH does like to keep costs down where possible, but we could easily afford the train or travel lodge option. I'm not very good at caculating fuel consumption and the associated costs, but it would probably cost £70 in diesel if we take the car.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 07/05/2015 11:26

Why is he being so insistent then??

I think he's being v unreasonable, on the information given so far...

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 11:27

I suspect DH would prefer not to stay in a travel lodge, because his sister lives near FIL, she always offers to put us up overnight, but her house is horrendously dirty and DH won't stay there, but doesn't want to offend her by staying in a nearby travel lodge. If that makes sense.

Which is why the train is such a great option.

What do I do if he won't back down? I don't want to refuse to go.

OP posts:
ohdearitshappeningtome · 07/05/2015 11:29

I think he's being totally unreasonable, £50 isn't that much in comparison to having full attention to the road, plus if you stay over you can spend some more time with fil?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/05/2015 11:30

My daily round trip maximum would be about 4 hrs - perhaps a little more if we were sharing.

Would definitely go for train or. Travelodge - can't you suggest with Travelodge you could do something else nice in the area on the return journey?

It's what a pal dod when she was having upsetting visits to her mum with dementia who lived at a distance - appeared to work well for them.

CactusAnnie · 07/05/2015 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersBassoon · 07/05/2015 11:32

Just book the hotel. You can't cancel a Travelodge, and your SIL will actually (secretly) be relieved at not having to host. You get to spend more time seeing your family if you stop.

namechange0dq8 · 07/05/2015 11:32

For a 3.5 hour each way off-peak train journey booked at relatively short notice, you'd almost certainly make the cost of a "Two Together" railcard on that journey alone. If you have children, "Friends and Family" ditto.

A good driving yardstick is "would this journey breach a lorry driver's tacho rules and/or my employer's safe driving policy?" Ten hours is complete madness.

WhoNickedMyName · 07/05/2015 11:36

You're either going to have to refuse to go at all, or refuse to do the return journey with him and book yourself on the train or into the Travelodge.

10 hours round trip in a car is fucking ridiculous. What time will you leave your home, and what time will you leave your FIL's? You must get so little time there it's hardly worth it, or you're leaving and arriving back at home at stupid o'clock.

MsGee · 07/05/2015 11:37

I think I can see both sides here. On one hand it is clearly madness to drive 10 hours in one day for a lunch, particularly when there are alternatives.

Practicalities aside, I can understand that your DH finds the visits upsetting and perhaps driving means that he can have control over when he leaves and is giving him a bit of a safety net. Can you compromise and say that you can either go via train or stay in a travel lodge part of the way home and do something nice as a family the day after? That way he doesn't have to stay in a travel lodge near his family home.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/05/2015 11:38

hide they car keys?

what he is planning is dangerous. I'd just buy the train tickets and be done with it. Make your own way up with hidden keys and leave him to sort himself out. enjoy the peace in the hotel

Leeds2 · 07/05/2015 11:40

Just book the Travelodge. SIL needn't know and, if she finds out, it is too late for her to do anything about it. 10 hours driving in one day is daft.

specialsubject · 07/05/2015 11:40

unsafe to drive that long in a day, especially when upset. It may not be just you that you kill.

end of, really. Hotel or train. SIL won't mind.

penisland · 07/05/2015 11:47

Driving that distance isn't really an issue, I will happily drive 6-700 miles in a day and have done up to 1000. A 460 mile round trip for lunch does sound a bit painful though!

sparechange · 07/05/2015 11:50

What about staying the night before without telling SIL, and then turning up to the lunch. She'll presumably assume you have just arrived, and then you can drive back after the lunch. No crazy day of driving and no one is offended...

CactusAnnie · 07/05/2015 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepixiedust · 07/05/2015 11:54

Stay an hour away and tell sil you are breaking up the journey? Then book one so you can have a nice day out nearby and he feels it less a waste. No way I would do 10 hours in a day. Or has someone elsesuggested, do that on way down an she will never know.

BreconBeBuggered · 07/05/2015 11:55

sparechange's suggestion is the best one.

We do that kind of driving without staying overnight, though the length of journey is mostly down to DH wanting to avoid the M25. I hate it.