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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driving 460 miles in one day to attend a birthday lunch??!? AIBU?

94 replies

MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 11:15

DH’s father lives 230 miles away from us, and the journey involves the M25. It usually takes approx. 5 hours by car, or 3.5 hours by train.

DH has often suggested we go and see FIL for day, but I think this is far too much driving in one day; neither of us are good at driving when we’re tired and whoever is driving back home struggles with the return journey. It’s only approx. £45 to get a Travel Lodge overnight, or the alternative is the train, and the train times work well for us.

As FIL is now very elderly and in poor health, we try and visit as often as we can.

Its FIL’s birthday soon, and a birthday lunch is arranged. Understandably, DH wants to go. However he insists we drive there and back the same day. I’m really opposed to this, on safety grounds. I’m suggesting we either overnight in a Travel Lodge, or use the train to go there and back the same day.

Due to FIL’s failing health, DH finds visits very upsetting, and given it’s going to be a difficult visit, I’m quite concerned that 10 hours driving on one day is frankly insane, when there are alternative options.

AIBU?

OP posts:
momb · 07/05/2015 12:01

Drive down the night before, stay at local Travelodge, bowl up for birthday lunch and then drive home. £45 is relatively little and will mean you are able to enjoy the lunch part without being exhausted. No-one need know in advance and it means that SIL is under no pressure to host. I'd book it and present it as a fait au complis.
Then you can still make a clean getaway after the meal to drive back between you without having to rely on anyone else giving you a lift to the station and your DH will have something to do on the way home to keep his mind busy.

momb · 07/05/2015 12:03

..or indeed, what sparechange just said :-)
We do this regularly for visits about 200 miles away to see DM: she doesn't need the pressure of putting us up, and we like the autonomy of having the car there plus a reason to leave at a sensible time.

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 12:16

I completely agree with all the comments about staying in the travel lodge, but I can't get DH agree, and that's the problem.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 07/05/2015 12:31

Hmm, just refuse to go with him unless he agrees to the travelodge? He doesn't need to admit you are right...

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 12:37

My preferred option would be the train (then the visit takes up one day, rather than one day and one night). And yes, I could tell him that I won't be going if he insists on driving both ways, but then I feel like I'm not supporting him with regards to his Dad .....

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 07/05/2015 12:41

He's being very selfish. Ask him how he'd feel if someone did the same drive and crashed into you on the way home and killed you, him, your children?

I understand he gets upset at seeing how ill his father is but he needs to accept one day his dad will die and what if this lunch turned out to be the last time they would have seen each other and he didn't go as he's a stubborn sod?

Book the hotel, no need to tell his sister, enjoy the time you have.

Justusemyname · 07/05/2015 12:41

Not supporting some one who is choosing the wrong option is not wrong.

DidoTheDodo · 07/05/2015 12:45

I quite frequently do that sort of round trip in a day to see family, doing all the driving myself.
But I structure the day so I leave home early in the morning and also leave family at around 4pm to get home in decent time so I am not too tired.

Hissy · 07/05/2015 12:47

He's vvvu, it's can be as dangerous to drive tired as it is to drive drunk!

^ This

Hissy · 07/05/2015 12:48

He's vvvu, it's can be as dangerous to drive tired as it is to drive drunk!

^ This

googoodolly · 07/05/2015 12:49

Have you told him how dangerous you feel all that driving is? If you don't feel safe to drive, you shouldn't be driving, let alone driving four hours along the M25.

I would drive down the night before, stay at the travel lodge, sleep in, turn up for the lunch, and drive back the following evening if at all possible. Why does DH think that's such an unreasonable idea?

Fingeronthebutton · 07/05/2015 12:50

What has the M25 got to do with it?

Bakeoffcake · 07/05/2015 12:51

Look he's probably really anxious and worried about his dad, but that isn't an excuse for him to behave in a silly and dangerous way. Driving for 10hours to see an ailing Dad is not a good idea.

My DH can be a bit like this as he sometimes can't see the wood for the trees when he's stressed. I have to just put my foot down- in your situation I would say "We have 2 options- we stay in the travel lodge or we get the train, we aren't driving"

Good luck!

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 12:56

I've just told him that it's either (a) train; or (b) travel lodge. His response was "you don't have to come if you don't want to." I know he's upset about his Dad, but like a poster just said, he really can't see the wood for the trees sometimes.

OP posts:
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 12:58

Hi op.

Would your dh like to visit my 16 year old dd? And her school friends. He couldn't meet their teacher as he was killed in the crash they were in when the driver fell asleep at the wheel.

They could show him their X-rays, their scars, dd has a huge facial one when she catapulted through the window.

Her friend could show him her wheelchair.

We could tell him about the nights we have with her screaming and reliving events. She could explain to him how it felt to be trapped for hours while the fireman dozed the coach with water as they were terrified of it catching fire.

We could tell him about a life cut short and other teenagers whose lives are changed forever.

Because a selfish bastard fell asleep at the wheel.

BitOfFun · 07/05/2015 12:59

Just book the train tickets.

GeekLove · 07/05/2015 13:02

Your husband could also visit one of my friends. He did fall asleep at the wheel. He was the only person injured but I am sure if you ask he will show you the 4 inch depression in his thigh where the handbrake went through...

FinnJuhl · 07/05/2015 13:03

We drove the exact same distance in one day to visit family and have never done it again. Despite switching drivers we were just too tired by the end of the journey. I could tell DH was struggling to concentrate on the road properly. NOT recommended.

If he's the stubborn kind, just lay off pressuring him for a little while and you might find he comes round to your way of thinking, but in his own way.

Hissy · 07/05/2015 13:05

oh ((((((Bodyinpyjamas10))))))

:(

monkeysaymoo · 07/05/2015 13:10

Book train tickets for yourself and tell him you will definately be going just not by car, his choice to join you on the train or he can go by himself in the car and see you there.

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 13:11

Bodyinpyjamas - I don't know what to say to your post, words don't cut it sometimes, do they? What a dreadful story.

Suffice to say that's exactly the type of incident I'm seeking to avoid.

OP posts:
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 13:11

Thanks hissy

Op I realise your dh is upset about his df but that's no excuse to act like a selfish cunt.

Please show him this thread.

Seriously we would do anything to prevent what we out dds and all the other families have been through.

Tell him to imagine how he feels about his df and times that by dozens and hours of pain.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 13:14

milly show him the thread and please just book those train tickets. Above all don't let him drive your children. It's just not worth it.

monkeysaymoo · 07/05/2015 13:15

there is absolutely no logic to your dh's thinking here, you just have to put your foot down on this one OP.

Icimoi · 07/05/2015 13:22

I've done that sort of drive collecting DD from university, but it is very tiring. I absolutely wouldn't dream of doing it with children, and I wouldn't want to do the drive home if I felt upset. It's also not fair to your FiL, as you'll be tired when you arrive and anxious to get away so you don't get back home too late.

Surely there's no need to tell SiL that you're staying in a TravelLodge? You could just make out that you are in fact travelling straight home, she's not likely to find out, is she?