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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driving 460 miles in one day to attend a birthday lunch??!? AIBU?

94 replies

MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 11:15

DH’s father lives 230 miles away from us, and the journey involves the M25. It usually takes approx. 5 hours by car, or 3.5 hours by train.

DH has often suggested we go and see FIL for day, but I think this is far too much driving in one day; neither of us are good at driving when we’re tired and whoever is driving back home struggles with the return journey. It’s only approx. £45 to get a Travel Lodge overnight, or the alternative is the train, and the train times work well for us.

As FIL is now very elderly and in poor health, we try and visit as often as we can.

Its FIL’s birthday soon, and a birthday lunch is arranged. Understandably, DH wants to go. However he insists we drive there and back the same day. I’m really opposed to this, on safety grounds. I’m suggesting we either overnight in a Travel Lodge, or use the train to go there and back the same day.

Due to FIL’s failing health, DH finds visits very upsetting, and given it’s going to be a difficult visit, I’m quite concerned that 10 hours driving on one day is frankly insane, when there are alternative options.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Icimoi · 07/05/2015 13:23

What has the M25 got to do with it?

If you'd driven regularly on the M25, Finger, you wouldn't need to ask that question.

19lottie82 · 07/05/2015 13:26

Driving that distance isn't really an issue

For you, obviously not, but for most people it certainly would be.

FryOneFatManic · 07/05/2015 13:29

I also know people whose lives have been changed because someone fell asleep at the wheel.

And my dad, who drove buses for a living a long time ago, is always banging on about the need to take breaks.

It doesn't take much to break your concentration when you're tired.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 13:51

I think people don't realise just how dangerous it potentially is.

It's as bad as drink driving. Just as dangerous. Just as selfish and reckless.

And the concequences can be catastrophic like for my dd and her friends.

The very people who proclaim they will be fine are the very worst drivers in my experience.

Justusemyname · 07/05/2015 13:52

I'm so sorry, bodyinpyjamas.

OP your husband needs to rest that but insusoect he thinks it won't happen to him. He needs his wits about him in case there's another tired twat driving.

If he goes alone he is still being selfish. He could still crash.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 13:55

Exactly just

Op you wouldn't dream of getting in the car if he had been drinking or allowing him to drive the kids.

Exactly the same situation.

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 14:05

if he goes alone he could still crash

I'm painfully aware of this. I've decided to book train tickets, let the matter drop for a few days, and then tell him I've made the purchase. We can take it from there.

OP posts:
chrome100 · 07/05/2015 14:07

YANBU. My rule of thumb is if a drive is 2 hours or longer I stay over. No way am I doing that much driving in one go!

namechange0dq8 · 07/05/2015 14:35

I've decided to book train tickets, let the matter drop for a few days, and then tell him I've made the purchase.

You explained his reason (albeit a bad one) for not wanting to stay the night. What's his problem with the train?

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 14:37

Well done Milly.

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 07/05/2015 14:40

What's his problem with the train?

He simply wants to drive there and back the same day to keep the cost down, even though it's only approx £40 more expensive to take the train. I feel £40 is a very small price to pay to maintain road safety, which is why I've now booked. My other argument is that taking the train shortens the journey time, meaning he can spend more time with his Dad. And conversley it could also be useful if we need an excuse to get away!!!

OP posts:
BikketBikketBikket · 07/05/2015 17:33

You are between a rock and a hard place OP - but he is being really, really, silly. I can I introduce him to my friend's family, who have never recovered from her cousin falling asleep at the wheel - resulting in the death of her and her two DC..... Sad
Or he could come and look at the Memorial Garden for the 11 children killed on the M40 when their teacher - who also died - fell asleep driving back from London in the early days of the M40 (when it had no service stations - it has a lot now..!) www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/the-m40-crash-day-trip-to-disaster-for-11-young-musicians-steve-boggan-outlines-the-events-leading-to-the-accident-which-killed-11-pupils-and-a-teacher-after-an-outing-to-london-1505175.html

specialsubject · 07/05/2015 19:21

the attitude of 'I can drive hundreds of miles in a day and be quite all right' would be fine if these idiots had the roads to themselves.

you can't do this without great risk. Get real.

whois · 07/05/2015 20:06

It's a long way to go in one day, but I'd be happy to do it if we split the journey into shifts and took 2.5 hours each each way.

The most I've ever driven in one day is 1000 miles but split into 2 hour shifts with my boyfriend.

whois · 07/05/2015 20:08

Have to say I felt much better after and during the 1000 mile drive than I have during a 30 minute drive. The big drive took all day but I was rested and it was daytime and we took turns and had regular breaks. Sometimes driving even a shirt way home from work if it's late at night is awful, trying to stay awake.

penisland · 07/05/2015 20:26

I certainly feel better during and after a long drive than I do driving home after a day at work. I will happily do 50+ miles on track after a 400 mile drive and there is just no way whatsoever I would venture on to a track if I felt compromised in any way. For me though driving is literally the most enjoyable thing in the world, there is nothing that beats it for me. Chome my daily commute to work can take 2 hours each way depending on traffic and no less than 2.5 hours total 5 days a week.

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 08/05/2015 08:53

So what do I do if he insists on driving?

Do I:

(a) simply decline to go, making me feel bad for not supporting him with his Dad; or

(b) travel by train and meet him down there

I'd rather not have to do an overnight stay when I can do the train option.

OP posts:
purits · 08/05/2015 09:05

5 hours to do 230 miles means only 46 mph. Is that right?

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 08/05/2015 09:07

Yep, that's right. Its not a good journey by road.

OP posts:
NUFC69 · 08/05/2015 10:06

We have almost done this - 440 mile round trip - to my DNephew's christening. Tbh, it wasn't a problem, but it could have been if the traffic had been bad. I don't think your DH is being unreasonable, but then I don't think you are, either. (Removes splinters from rear end)!

echt · 08/05/2015 10:46

I did this to attend the Impressionist exhibition in Canberra (from Melbourne). A party? Meh.

Original poster
MillyMolly99 · 08/05/2015 10:48

So further to my post of earlier this morning, what do I do if he insists on driving? Decline to attend the lunch, or travel by train without him?

OP posts:
00100001 · 08/05/2015 10:54

If he insists - go by train yourself.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 08/05/2015 11:02

Go by train without him. If your DH is worried about the cost then he would be wasting an extra £70 on fuel if the train tickets have been booked and paid for.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/05/2015 11:10

Haven't you booked tickets for both of you?