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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be p1ssed off at remarks about "next" child

94 replies

mrsnlw2012 · 07/05/2015 10:58

We have DS. He's 9m. We have always wanted just 1 child. And we've been together 11.5 years and always stuck to that. I am really getting annoyed and pissed off with the "Oh youll soon be having another/when's the next one coming along" etc. I started saying "oh we dont want another" and people would say "Oh you say that now" And we've been saying it for the past 11.5 years!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH 1 CHILD?! Does that make us a dysfunctional family. Fuck off!

I now flummox people by saying I couldnt have another child as I love DS too much and wouldnt be able to love another child enough. They often look uncomfortable and drop the conversation....

But seriously. Why is there an assumption that once you've had one child, that is simply not enough?! And why is it public property and opinion that you must have another?! GRRRR

OP posts:

MellieGrant · 07/05/2015 11:01

FFS, calm down. It's called small talk and you better get used to it- it'll get worse and not better as you look at nurseries, schools....

I now flummox people by saying I couldnt have another child as I love DS too much and wouldnt be able to love another child enough. They often look uncomfortable and drop the conversation....

This is downright rude.

fhdl34 · 07/05/2015 11:01

Hmmm, I would say wait until he turns a year, you haven't experienced the hormones when your baby suddenly becomes a toddler.
If it bugs you though just change the subject, or smile and nod.

ApocalypseThen · 07/05/2015 11:01

Life would be much easier if you had a list of permitted topics to discuss.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2015 11:01

Fucking hell

People assume stuff that's all.

If you're happy with your choice to stick with one, that's all you've got to say.

formerbabe · 07/05/2015 11:01

Everyone has something to say.

You can bet your life that if you were pregnant with baby no.2, people would look at you in horror and say "you'll have your hands full". and "rather you than me" etc etc!

hellsbellsmelons · 07/05/2015 11:03

I always said 'Are you fucking joking? I hated being pregnant, I hated giving birth and I hated the baby stage. WTF would I want another one!'
That sort of things tends to shut them up as well.

I always only ever wanted one.
I and I love my DD more than life and I'm not sure I could have ever loved another in the same way. But the above response worked wonders!

MrsFrisbyMouse · 07/05/2015 11:06

it's conversational small talk. It doesn't actually have a literal meaning. Like when we say 'good morning'. Linguists call them 'speech acts'. They just act as social lubricants - though this one obviously rubs you up the wrong way!

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2015 11:06

I'm also not sure why you think that reply would flummox people, OP?

flora717 · 07/05/2015 11:07

When it comes to children, someone will always question your choices / decisions. I smile and nod and avoid using 'never' it's a red rag to some

OliviaBenson · 07/05/2015 11:09

We have decided to not have any children- we get told all the time that we'll change our mind or my favourite one we're selfish not to have them. People like to judge- just try and let it all wash over you op. It is bloody annoying though!

ahbollocks · 07/05/2015 11:10

Iim with you op!
I only want one and it completely distresses some nosey parkers.

softcaramel · 07/05/2015 11:17

YANBU OP. I've always just wanted one (to the extent that I terminated when I had an unplanned pg) and now I simply tell people that I have fertility problems (obviously I don't) as that shuts up the conversation pretty sharpish. I wouldn't bother trying to explain or engage them in conversation, some people will never get it.

DisappointedOne · 07/05/2015 11:18

We have 1 child. She's now 4.5 and people have been talking about "the next one" since I was being stitched up after her forceps delivery. It does get annoying. My mum phoned me this morning to say she was "getting rid of some baby stuff, hope that's okay" - with the emphasis clearly on the "are you having another one?"

It does start tailing off once they're about 3. Just brush it off.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 07/05/2015 11:18

I don't blame you for responding like that op. It's rude to presume that you would ultimately change your mind on a choice you're happy with. You could have had issues conceiving the one, for goodness sake, but it's rude in the first place to assume you want to sacrifice your body again, like it's some magical thing to go through. I just want the one I'm having, I've already had the 'you'll change your mind' comments. I reply 'oh really, are you going to carry it, pay for it, put up with God awful sibling fights? No? Then kindly stfu'.

Social chat my arse, it's nosy bollocks, as soon as you become a parent it's like your sex life/uterus become an ok for polite conversation. Grumble grumble.....

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/05/2015 11:20

"I now flummox people by saying I couldnt have another child as I love DS too much and wouldnt be able to love another child enough. They often look uncomfortable and drop the conversation...."

That wouldn't flummox me - it would make me feel as if you were judging me for having more than one child, and that you were suggesting I must love one of them, and not the other two.

As Mellie says - that is a rude thing to say.

Maybe you could say something like 'We feel our family is complete as it is now' - and if they press it, ask them why it matters so much to them, how many children you decide to have.

nottheOP · 07/05/2015 11:23

My favourite response is to say that DS is enough. So...

'When are you having another?'
'Would you like any more?'
Etc etc

response, nice and politely - "DS is enough for us, thanks."

I only get annoyed when people say - but you CAN'T have JUST the one, that's cruel etc etc. I then respond that it would be cruel to have another child out of obligation rather than because they were planned for and wanted. But that isn't my opening line!

Original poster

mrsnlw2012 · 07/05/2015 11:26

It just annoys me the ones who bang on and on and SDT and Mellie I think it's rude to ask such a personal question. I dont think my response is rude to their intrusive Q.

OP posts:

Andcake · 07/05/2015 11:27

I tell them the truth that I can't have another - shuts them up.
You're lucky to have the choice. Imagine how painful those comments are to someone who wants more but can't.

Original poster

mrsnlw2012 · 07/05/2015 11:30

Andcake Thats my point. I was very lucky to have DS (potential fertility issues afoot here too) and as such I am blessed with one child who is very much loved. Why should I have to explain our choice? And any potential reasons behind them. Its just intrusive and rude - not smalltalk

OP posts:

AliceLidl · 07/05/2015 11:32

I hate people asking me when we are going to have another child.

DS is our third child, our first two babies died, one shortly before he was born, one shortly after her birth.

We could have another one, but each pregnancy has been progressively more difficult and complicated and we don't feel able to go through another one. There's no guarantee we would have a healthy, living baby at the end of another pregnancy, and I don't know how we'd cope trying to go on from another loss, this time with DS to support and take care of as well as ourselves.

Physically and emotionally it's all been very difficult.

People are rude to keep pushing and telling you that your feelings are wrong.

They are ignoring what you are telling them, insisting they know better than you how you feel about your own life and choices.

Whether they mean to do it or not, it's rude and can be very upsetting.

I've had people tell me I'm selfish to raise DS as an only child. It upset me very much as I wish more than anything that he had his brother and sister here with him, or that we could have guaranteed him a younger sibling.

He's said himself he wishes he had a brother or sister, and when I asked him why he said "just so I could have somebody." It broke my heart then and three years later it's still breaking it. Because we can't give him one.

Yet even people who know about our losses feel that it's their business to ask me and advise me on what they think we should do.

In the same way I've had people tell me I must have another one because to not have another is selfish, I've had people tell me that I should never try again because of my "track record" and it's selfish to put my family through it.

I try not to ask people about their family circumstances now. You never know what the person you are talking to might be facing, and it's just not your business what their plans are with regards to having any/more children.

They might be making conversation when they ask, but continuing to push their opinion on what you should do, or contradict you when you've answered their question is rude.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2015 11:33

So stop explaining your choice then!

Just tell them you're happy to stick with one and change the subject.

Bunbaker · 07/05/2015 11:33

I couldn't have any more and told people that DD was a miracle. People stopped asking after that.

I must admit that I was quite flattered when people were still asking even after she had started primary school, as I was 41 when I had her. Everyone assumed I was much younger

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2015 11:34

Sorry, my last post was to the OP.

PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2015 11:34

YANBU op. Drives me nuts. We haven't got children so I often get the when are you having a baby version. Totally intrusive, especially when you hardly know them. Why do people feel entitled ask? They really don't want an honest answer to an incredibly personal question (unless they have a unhealthy interest in the messed up state of my Fallopian tubes). Absolutely no-one's business but yours and your husbands and there are plenty of other topics for small talk.

Tomodachi · 07/05/2015 11:35

You do realise OP that nobody really cares whether you have one child or twenty and they are just making small talk.

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