Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be p1ssed off at remarks about "next" child

94 replies

mrsnlw2012 · 07/05/2015 10:58

We have DS. He's 9m. We have always wanted just 1 child. And we've been together 11.5 years and always stuck to that. I am really getting annoyed and pissed off with the "Oh youll soon be having another/when's the next one coming along" etc. I started saying "oh we dont want another" and people would say "Oh you say that now" And we've been saying it for the past 11.5 years!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH 1 CHILD?! Does that make us a dysfunctional family. Fuck off! Angry

I now flummox people by saying I couldnt have another child as I love DS too much and wouldnt be able to love another child enough. They often look uncomfortable and drop the conversation....

But seriously. Why is there an assumption that once you've had one child, that is simply not enough?! And why is it public property and opinion that you must have another?! GRRRR

OP posts:
NightsOfGethsemane · 07/05/2015 11:36

I think you're reading too much into what is idle chit chat.

People have asked me if I'll be having another, trying for a girl etc etc. I can't remember what I've said in response but it was probably some non-committal platitude. It doesn't annoy me. Most people don't really care about your DCs or how many you have - they're just trying to make conversation. Chill.

Viviennemary · 07/05/2015 11:40

Calm down. You'd get the same if you had two three or more of the same sex. I told an older person once I wouldn't mind three. She said you've a boy and a girl why would you want another. I didn't have another but that's beside the point.

Dublinlass · 07/05/2015 11:40

I get asked that all the time but I don't.get offended. A lot of people.don't really give a shite when you are having another child and aren't probably even listening to your answer. Its just small talk and that's it. If you didn't have a child i think that's incredibly rude to ask someone but not when you have one already and one that is so small.

catkind · 07/05/2015 11:40

Please don't say the "love DS too much" thing - everyone feels like that when they have only one, and then they discover as much love again for the second one. People will just disbelieve you all the more. And what does it say about those of us who have more - we didn't love the first enough? Or we weren't bothered about loving the second?

Try something like "we always planned to just have 1" to make it clear this isn't just now it's always been the plan. Certainly when you start giving away your baby gear it will become clear, that's when people stopped asking whether we were going to have a third!

Queenmarigold · 07/05/2015 11:40

I think it's really rude, but it's the same as 'when are you getting engaged / married / having a baby' etc
I told them I had to wait for my DDs cancer treatment to finish.
Mind you then I ended up with twins so be careful what you wish for!

BitOutOfPractice · 07/05/2015 11:42

Do you think people with one child are the only ons to get comments like this?

If you have a large family you get the "oh don't you have a TV?" comments.

If you have two of the same sex you get the "Are you going to try for a boy / girl" comments

etc etc etc

It's just small talk. Get used to it. You're not being singled out

And to purposely make people uncomfortable becuase they've irritated you is really...well...nasty actually

Momagain1 · 07/05/2015 11:44

Respond along the lines of 'we always planned on just one' and respond with only that to any further comments. They will get bored after a while.

Feminine · 07/05/2015 11:48

Yes. Chill.
Nobody really cares.
I do think you need to work on a more dramatic come back though Grin

SorchaN · 07/05/2015 11:49

I never enjoyed people telling me in a tone of absolute certainty how I was going to feel or what the future held ("You'll want another one soon"; "you'll be pregnant again in no time" etc.). But I never minded people asking if they were expressing a genuine interest in my life ("Do you think you'll have another?" "Would you like a large family?"). Mind you, the people who asked questions were more like to accept my answers.

MellieGrant · 07/05/2015 11:50

I think it's rude to ask such a personal question. I dont think my response is rude to their intrusive Q.

No, it is rude. Presumably they have more than one child themselves and you are accusing them of favouritism.

It's not intrusive. It's small talk.

iwantcontrolofcarmusic · 07/05/2015 11:51

I used to use the line of "DD is enough for us, thanks", but to be honest it didn't work. So I started to be brutally honest instead.

It took us 3 years to have DD, we both nearly died during a horrific birth due to an incompetent midwife (thankfully no longer practicing), and DD is severely disabled. Strangely enough I only needed to explain this once at each new group we went to and no-one asked after that! Grin

Although DD is now 5 & is currently obsessed with wanting to become a big sister, so looks like I'm going to have to start explaining all over again to the mums in the playground who overhear her telling them "my mum's going to have a baby"....

Moomintroll85 · 07/05/2015 11:54

Since having my son I have found a lot of comments seem to be rude and intrusive. I don't think they're meant that way I just think parenting/family choices are so personal to you that just about any remark can be seen as rude/judgemental/an attack.

I try not to take comments that way - most people mean well and are just trying to make conversation/show an interest and maybe struggling to find something to talk about.

However if people are genuinely being critical, rude or crossing a line a simple 'mind your own fucking business' usually suffices Grin

Original poster
mrsnlw2012 · 07/05/2015 11:55

Its those who go on and on... Well you cant just have the one" Why? Whats wrong with 1 child?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2015 11:59

I think Moomin has it right...I will definitely be moving on to the mind your own business tactic more quickly! General small talk enquiry is not too bad but you're right above op. People just won't let it go when it should be obvious it is not a good topic for conversation.

loveandsmiles · 07/05/2015 12:01

YABVU ~ it's just chitchat, making conversation, no need to be so rude back.

bitoutofpractice - I am pregnant with DC6 and have had lots of "don't you have a TV in your house?" comments - I just smile and move onto another topic - don't think people mean to be offensive.

IHaveBrilloHair · 07/05/2015 12:01

I like saying, "eeewwwwww, why would I do that, I can't stand kids" Grin

MellieGrant · 07/05/2015 12:01

Firmly and politely say 'We're very happy with one, thank you' and move the conversation on....

Honestly, he's 9 months. Get used to comments on your parenting choices! Practise smiling, nodding and distracting.

IHaveBrilloHair · 07/05/2015 12:02

Dd is 13 btw, never wanted another, no regrets at all, I was sterilised at 30.

PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2015 12:05

I like saying, "eeewwwwww, why would I do that, I can't stand kids"

I tried something very similar once and in reply was told by a seventh year old woman I'd literally just met that my husband was probably very disappointed in me and might leave me one day for a proper woman.

Roseforarose · 07/05/2015 12:05

It's your business entirely how many children you have, please don't take this the wrong way, I'm genuinely trying to help, but do be prepared for your child to want a sibling as he gets older. The people I know with just one child often have the child's friend coming along on days out and sleepovers because the child wants someone to have fun with.

PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2015 12:06

This is why I am slightly bitter about this sort of conversation!

HamishBamish · 07/05/2015 12:10

YANBU, I can see why it would be extremely annoying.

I never ask people these kinds of questions, it's too intrusive.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/05/2015 12:14

If they are going on and on, YANBU to be frustrated and to want them to wind their necks in - as I said earlier, you can turn it back on them - "Why does it matter so much to you how many children I have?" - or a similar phrase.

Jackieharris · 07/05/2015 12:15

I hated being an only child. I wouldn't choose that for my own dcs. But I wouldn't be so rude to make unkind comments to another parent about it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/05/2015 12:16

Oh - and fyi, you can say pissed here - even in thread titles - and far more sweary words too - no need to censor yourself. 'Tis one of the joys of MN, for me!

Interestingly, ds3 is a member of PistonHeads (a petrolhead website), and they have a swear filter - so all these oily-handed mechanical types can't swear, and we can! That always makes me grin.