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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be p1ssed off at remarks about "next" child

94 replies

mrsnlw2012 · 07/05/2015 10:58

We have DS. He's 9m. We have always wanted just 1 child. And we've been together 11.5 years and always stuck to that. I am really getting annoyed and pissed off with the "Oh youll soon be having another/when's the next one coming along" etc. I started saying "oh we dont want another" and people would say "Oh you say that now" And we've been saying it for the past 11.5 years!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH 1 CHILD?! Does that make us a dysfunctional family. Fuck off! Angry

I now flummox people by saying I couldnt have another child as I love DS too much and wouldnt be able to love another child enough. They often look uncomfortable and drop the conversation....

But seriously. Why is there an assumption that once you've had one child, that is simply not enough?! And why is it public property and opinion that you must have another?! GRRRR

OP posts:
geekymommy · 07/05/2015 14:06

I got asked this by my relatives, both times when I announced I was pregnant. I was about 12-14 weeks along. I had to laugh.

namechangeafternamechange · 07/05/2015 14:28

hellsbelles are you me in disguise?! That's pretty much, word for word, what I say about having another baby. I also, genuinely, cannot imagine loving another child as much as my ds when he's being obedient

Anyone who knows me well no longer asks when we're planning another (my BFF even goes as far as saying she was shocked when I announced my pregnancy as I'm not exactly naturally maternal) as they know my answer!

AliceLidl · 07/05/2015 18:08

Soot I'm not sure if taking it personally is the right way to describe it.

Sometimes it hurts is all.

But it does depend on how far and how hard they keep pushing once they've asked and been answered.

And of course on a million other things they might not even be aware of. Obviously you can't blame people for not knowing it's a bad day to ask, but a bit more awareness of how hurtful it can be to keep on asking and contradicting someone wouldn't hurt.

Especially if, as many posters have said, you don't actually care about how many children they have anyway and you've hurt their feelings for nothing.

Sootgremlin · 07/05/2015 18:41

Yy alice my phrasing was probably a bit trite. I do agree of course it can be hurtful, and it does rather depend on how far they take it. I had PTSD after dc1 and comments about another pregnancy sent me into a tailspin inside.

I just think that people who press such things only deserve a broken record, dull response, and actually it's the only way it really stops.

Telling them you don't think you could love another child, as the OP suggested, is just giving them what they want if they're trying to extract an emotional response, something to gossip about, and if they're just tactlessly chit chatting then it's a bigger reply than is necessary.

AliceLidl · 07/05/2015 18:50

It wouldn't be my response either Soot.

If DS has taught me anything it's that I'd love another child just as much as I love him, because he's fantastic, so how great would it be to have two.

Phineyj · 07/05/2015 19:10

I would be wary of this as small talk. Fertility problems are more common than many people seem to think. I sometimes respond to such queries (if the person seems genuinely interested) by explaining in a matter of fact way that it would potentially mean going through up to 6 years of treatment including bouts of overseas IVF and spending thousands of quid. I feel the need to educate people about why some of us 'just' have one. This sort of small talk can get heavy rather quickly!

postitnotes · 07/05/2015 19:59

I always say "God, NO! I'd like some sleep at some point!" and look horrified at the suggestion of another baby. Mind you, mine are both very young. Which actually makes it more surprising to me that people are asking.

squizita · 07/05/2015 20:25

PhineyJ YY. TBH I am a bit Hmm about the angry "but we have a RIGHT to small talk!" - as I said in my PP asking once is fine but the pushing it or smug 'you will change your mind...' stuff simply isn't on and it's not nice at all to just go on pushing.
At that point it stops becoming innocent small talk and more to the point becomes crass and potentially hurtful and anyone getting up in arms about their right to be crass and hurtful needs to give it a coat of thinking about ... it's a bit like when people used to say "but x isn't sexist/racist to me so why can't I use it - they're prescribing what I can say!" or if someone asked an unmarried person again and again why they're not married (because it could be several things (1) it's a choice, that's fine but (2) they could be lonely and heartbroken or (3) they could be gay and not feel comfortable coming out yet) - most people would understand that is an uncomfortable situation. Awkward.

I cannot imagine what it must be like for someone who had 2 kids and one died :( having health issues which limit pregnancy is bad enough - and yet some people are wading in almost offended that some people find it upsetting.

I was always taught as a child if the small talk is upsetting someone, it's my responsibility to change the subject. Not plough on and find the genuinely upset party irritating and offensive for forcing me to do so.

PandaMummyofOne · 08/05/2015 08:45

I get this all the time!!! DS is now 2 nearly 3 and all I keep getting is time for another one.

I don't want another one, and we can't bloody well afford the child are fees for another one! Mind you own business!!!!

voluptuagoodshag · 08/05/2015 08:48

All through life I've hated being asked
Do you have a boyfriend
Oh you'll be getting engaged next
Oh you're engaged when are you getting married
So when are you having a baby
So when are you having another
Oh you'll be wanting one of a different sex
Oh you've had more than three, why

Make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. It's the only way to get them to think that it might be none of their fecking business

Only1scoop · 08/05/2015 08:50

Nobody asks me think it's because I'm an older mum of one.

I'd just say 'one by choice'

I truly wouldn't get my knickers in a twist over it.

PsychopathOnTheCyclepath · 08/05/2015 09:02

To be honest I think it does depend on the area you live in.

I live in an area which has a high proportion of one child families. No-one even notices. If anything there are vey few three children families and they tend to attract more attention.

I have a friend who lives some distance and they have quite a different set up in their local school - lots of three/ four children families, only a couple of one child families.

So I guess it depends where you live as to how invasive it gets. I think politely asking once isn't rude, and shouldn't get a shirty reply, but any further probing or unfair comments then I'd probably unleash both barrels too.

elQuintoConyo · 08/05/2015 09:03

We have one. We only want one. Ever. DD is 3yo. DH doesn't get asked, I do. I have answered:

We only have enough love for one.
Christ no, next one will be a dog.
One is fine for us.
We wanted one and are very happy.
We'll have another when science has progressed so that DH can give birth.

Etc. I t is small talk, but he same nosey questions over and over gets on my tits.

People can be idiots. Thanks

Lipsync · 08/05/2015 09:06

The whole point of small talk is that it's innocuous, completely content-free and guaranteed not to upset/enrage/be too personal for the person you are talking to, especially as, if you are engaging in small talk, you possibly hardly know them. That is why there is the weather, for crying out loud.

I can never quite grasp the logic behind the 'oh, it's only chitchat, they don't intend to be rude' argument encountered so often on this kind of thread. Engage your brain before you open your mouth. You may feel your feelings on only children/no children/large families/no boys/no girls etc etc deserve airing at every possible opportunity without self-censorship, but the chances are the person you're talking to would rather you kept them to yourself. You won't blow up for lack of self-expression.

hobNong · 08/05/2015 09:26

Yanbu op.

I have no problem being asked if I think I'll have another one. That's small talk and it's fine by me. It's people who are rude about it, say it's unfair on my child to not have more, and who keep pushing the subject all the time since dd was under a month old (pils), who wind me up.

Mrsbobdylan · 08/05/2015 09:32

People shouldn't comment, yanbu in that. But they do and always will about lots of subjects which are off limits. My ds2 has a disability and I had lots of 'but he looks alright to me'. He goes to a sn school and has never been ms schooled and probably never will be.

I learned not to engage. I just used to shrug and say 'yes some people do say that'.

You could reply 'yes, you're right I've heard of people having a second child after being sure they only wanted one. It's definitely a thing isn't it?'. Don't let it get personal as it's too draining.

FrenchJunebug · 08/05/2015 09:46

I always say either I can't afford another one. Or one is enough for me thank you.

Fantail · 08/05/2015 10:16

I don't mind, as long as when I say "no", they don't enquire further.

If they do, then pointing out how long I was hospitalised and that putting my health and that of any future child at risk is not something I am prepared to do normally ends the conversation and often results in them feeling uncomfortable.

ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 10:57

I dont blame you OP - people assume still to this day, that women are nothing but baby making machines. We do want other things. We can do other things. We do have other goals than having a family.

Of course it's just small talk....but most people wouldn't see a man with a toddler and ask him "if he's going to have another one with his partner".

I do also think people are being a bit hard on you....it's not so much the question is it? but the "omg this freak doesn't want another one what type of woman doesn't want more kids lets get our pitchforks out" glares which follow after you politely say I'm not having anymore thanks

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