to be p1ssed off at remarks about "next" child

[mrsnlw2012]

We have DS. He's 9m. We have always wanted just 1 child. And we've been together 11.5 years and always stuck to that. I am really getting annoyed and pissed off with the "Oh youll soon be having another/when's the next one coming along" etc. I started saying "oh we dont want another" and people would say "Oh you say that now" And we've been saying it for the past 11.5 years!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH 1 CHILD?! Does that make us a dysfunctional family. Fuck off!

I now flummox people by saying I couldnt have another child as I love DS too much and wouldnt be able to love another child enough. They often look uncomfortable and drop the conversation....

But seriously. Why is there an assumption that once you've had one child, that is simply not enough?! And why is it public property and opinion that you must have another?! GRRRR

The world seems to be divided into people who seem to find innocent questions rude and those who just see it as small talk.

I think some people like to feel offended all the time.

"The people I know with just one child often have the child's friend coming along on days out and sleepovers because the child wants someone to have fun with."

DD often likes to have a friend along because she enjoys their company. She says she is glad that she doesn't have any siblings though. Also, you are making a massive assumption that all siblings get along with each other. I know a number of families where they fight with each other all the time.

YABU OP. It's just small talk. Nobody really gives a shit how many kids you have.

crapfat if nobody gives a shit, why ask?

I have 2 kids to my ex. My fiancé is like a Dad to them too, yet people ask when am I going to give him a baby. This in my eyes is quite rude, he goes above and beyond Dad duties for my kids so we already feel our family is complete. Very annoying

Some people use remarks like that as small talk to break the ice. I come across it quite a lot.

There used to be this old guy that I didn't even know, lived in a flat I used to pass on the stairs on the ridiculously rare times I'd want to or be allowed to go out. We were abroad, so there was a language barrier. thank god
My ex used to tell me what he'd said, every time we passed, and any time I was alone, the same words were said.

Every. Single. Time he saw me, this old boy would comment.

"That boy needs a brother."

Used to make me rage. "Tell him that I have LOST 3 since 'that boy' one of which very nearly killed me, so thank him to keep his tongue still the next time he sees me."

Which of course he DIDN'T.

I said EX, didn't i?

9 months is nothing, and tbh, in my view, the best bit of having a little one starts AFTER the first year. enjoy it all.

I never had another, and probably can't. I don't regret it.

If people insist, say that it's rude to carry on with a conversation when the subject has been discussed and resolved.

It's small talk and not worth getting het up over. Yes, a bit rude, but your response of only having enough love for your ds makes you sound unhinged rather than calmly confident about your choice! Just say 'oh no, no more for me' and then ask them something about their family. Conversation.

When I had my first I had such a traumatic experience I wasn't sure if we'd have another. Then I did and everybody said "oh we knew you'd have more" when I didn't even know that myself - so, it's absurd, but just chit-chat based on the current situation. Once I'd had two, my dm and others started talking about giving away the baby stuff as though I had finished, so the opposite of your situation, I didn't get annoyed about that assumption because how is she to know? I don't know. I just said I'll hang on to them as you never know what the future holds.

People like to gossip, and are curious about others, they're hoping you'll drop a morsel for them to chew over. Don't feed it by talking about your inability to love another child

And we've been together 11.5 years and always stuck to that

Well no actually...you've had 9 months of sticking to that, so far.

You're far to het up about this...like others have said, it's small talk, conversation fillers...no one really cares about the answers you give.

Plus if you want my honest opinion you sound way too emphatic to be believable to me. If I had a tenner for every mum of an under one who dramatically declares 'NO more' and is pregnant within two years...well, I'd have a lot more tenners than I have now

Oh, and I was 'one of those' btw.

If you asked me when ds1 was 12 months, I would have told you with conviction that we weren't having any more.

I have a 2.3 year age gap between mine

Everyone who is answering that its just small talk would also surely acknowledge that its very poor small talk. As far as making conversation goes its pretty nosey and possibly very hurtful.

No, sorry, I don't agree Forkie. And I speak as someone who never thought I would get pregnant, let alone carry a baby to full term. I just don't go looking for offence in anything everyone says.

mrsnlw2012 I totally agree it is wrong for people to make assumptions about what you will want or to assume you will change your mind.

You are totally entitled to your view.

If you ever do change your mind that is your prerogative.

I do feel in our culture we do feel the need to challenge people. So someone will say I don't like blah blah... and the other person says oh that's because you have not tried blah blah or whatever or in the future you will blah blah! The the first person feels the need to set them straight etc etc!

IMHO it's not worth getting into a row over. I find silence is easiest. They will either talk themselves into a spiral or they will shut up and one of you can introduce a new topic you both like to discuss.

I had one child for years but always wanted two, now I have two. it is brilliant and frustrating and just my life, but I chose it, and you have chosen your life. Some people maybe feel challenged because they did not have just one, or because there were one child in a family and did not like it. Likewise with families with lots of kids some go out and replicate that and some say no way, I remember being one of five and I just want two or whatever.

We are all different. Enjoy your family.

Asking if someone has children, or how many they have, that's smalltalk.

Pushing the issue of why you think someone else should have a child or should have more children, or will change their minds or are selfish, that's not smalltalk.

Telling someone what they are going to do in the future is not small talk it is imposing your views on someone and assuming you know them better than they know themselves. It is rude and pointless, but as I just said I think it is not worth arguing. Dignified silence is better.

There are so many other, nicer things to talk about and small talk is for people you hardly know, why would you begin to tell someone you hardly know that they will definitely have another child?

Wow chill out its just chat, means nothing. It's like people who get really shirty when you ask about gender, no I'm not saying girls are better than boys or vice versa, I just can't think of anything else to say

Whats wrong with 1 child?

Absolutely nothing. But a lot of people do feel sorry for only children I think so are surprised that some people make that choice. That's all.

People who say chill out ... bear in mind that many of us say "oh we just want one" because we can't have 2. We don't want to air our medical history or cry.
Continuing the conversation with "you wait..." or mention of hormones (especially that) or 2 kids being the norm after the initial "we are ok" reply is when it gets insensitive.
OK fine ask once, but don't smugly push it to be "right" - or the wrong person might snap and say "actually I have a medical condition that makes pregnancy too risky" and it will be a lead balloon moment thanks to smalltalk.

In real life I've found people far more aware of that than on MN, weirdly.

This really gets my goat too.

People say the same to us all the time, drives me mad. 'You'll be having another?'. 'He needs a little sister!' etc etc.

My personal fave is when people say 'Oh, just have another '. It's a child, not a glass of wine!

I'm guessing you wont be up at 3 am with him when he's got gastro?

Asking if someone has children, or how many they have, that's smalltalk.

Pushing the issue of why you think someone else should have a child or should have more children, or will change their minds or are selfish, that's not smalltalk

^
This

I desperately wanted more children, but after DD & I almost died in child birth, DH understandably just couldn't through that again.

When I get asked "are you thinking of having any more", I see that as small talk, and politely say "no, one is enough, thanks"

When someone keeps asking, or repeatedly tells me how much DD wants to be a sister or that DD shouldn't be an only child etc. Then that crosses the line. I know they probably don't mean anything by it, but it is absolutely the last thing I need to hear and just enhances the guilt I already feel

I agree alicelidl but would add asking someone if they want to have more and flying off a "oh you say that now" is also just small talk. Annoying yes, and further than most would go, including me, but not something to take so personally.

I've been asked lots of times by other mums, friends etc if we think we'll have more, and I've always given an honest answer, or "oh well, we'll see" I hear an awful lot of people openly asking it to others as well.

When I had my first a couple of people said I "should have lots more" - I took it as a passing compliment, I wouldn't base my family planning on it though and they probably didn't give it a thought after.

These things get thrown at you all the time, usually you just say something equally inane back and get on with your day. See also:

Are you sure you're not having twins/getting your dates wrong/having a baby elephant

You look huge/neat/glowing/tired

You've got your hands full!

Ahhh, brothers/sisters/one of each, that's nice

Are you hoping for a boy? (already have a girl/girls)

Are you hoping for a girl? (already have a boy/boys)

Just you wait until the baby's here/they start getting teeth/walking/talking/start school/are teenagers

Tum te tum until you no longer have small children and everyone goes back to talking to you about the sodding weather

Dd is 10 and I still get asked when I'm having another.

Often it is just small talk, and once you say that "one is enough" or similar, they move on to talking about the weather or something. It's not something I'd ask someone I didn't know, but i can see it's not meant nastily.

Every now and then though, someone won't accept it, and keep on about how it's cruel to only have one, or how I'll change my mind etc, that's rude. These comments usually come from people who know me well or from family and know my reasons. Yet will still ask over and over and push their views that I'm doing dd a disservice.

Yes pushing it is insensitive but it does depend who's asking. I would tell a friend or my mum the truth if I had reasons to be ambivalent, a stranger or acquaintance would get the shortest answer possible then a change of subject.

X posted with you inickedaname, obviously if they know you well and are pushing it they should get an equally rude reply.

I used to use the "one is enough for us" but I got tired of lying all the time. I'd love for my son to have one or even two siblings but my body had another plans. No matter how much I'd love to have another, it isn't going to happen.

Large families are more often the result of choice whereas onlies are more likely the result of (often painful) consequence.

I genuinely think its just people trying to make small talk and / or be polite. Try not to let it bother you so much OP. You are protesting quite a lot!

BUT I think some people are insensitive, I would never ask someone who I wasn't very close to that sort of question because you have no idea who might be having fertility problems etc.