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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want him to get on with it

119 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 04/05/2015 23:54

I've been with boyfriend for a year and a half. When we first met we were both still married. I had been separated from my husband at the time for a year. He told me he had been separated for 9 months. It took him a year to finally tell his wife that he had met me. I was understanding at the time as he said he didn't want to piss his ex off incase she moved away with his son. Ever since we met he said he wanted to divorce her but a year and a half later and he still hasn't done anything, even though he knows how crap the fact he hasn't started divorce proceedings makes me. My divorce is now complete and I'm made to feel like I'm being unreasonable when I mention him getting on with his. So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

HeadDoctor · 05/05/2015 20:16

What are you staying for?

Original poster

WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 20:25

I'm scared I'm making a mountain out of a. mole hill

OP posts:

Trumpity · 05/05/2015 20:30

Five pages of people's responses should tell you you're not...

HeadDoctor · 05/05/2015 20:38

What I've learned over the last few years is that it doesn't matter if it's a mountain or a molehill - it's whether you are happy or not. You're not happy. Why stay? I wouldn't waste any more time on this man that clearly does not value you. You deserve to be happy.

DinosaursRoar · 05/05/2015 20:40

Is it that you don't want to be alone either? You got together with him shortly after your marriage ended too...

Look OP, it doesn't matter if you are making a mountain out of a molehill, or if other people wouldn't think this would annoy or upset them, it annoys and upsets you (and I don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, for the record!). You are the person who's in this relationship, you get to say "him not wanting to legally end his marriage, not wanting me to be part of his friendship group, not wanting me to spend time with his DCs, not wanting to move on with his life and get his own place bothers me "

What sort of relationship do you want, if you want one with a man who wants you to spend time with his friends, be independent from his parents, spend time with your DC and you with any he has, is not secretive and most importantly, not be married to someone else (a bare minimum for me!), then it's ok to say this is the one for you right now. Even if it would be ok for other people.

Gabilan · 05/05/2015 20:40

I don't think it matters whether he met up with this woman or not. It might be completely innocent, he might be looking for another girlfriend. The significant thing is that you're miserable about it.

DinosaursRoar · 05/05/2015 20:41

x post with Head doctor who said it much better.

PtolemysNeedle · 05/05/2015 20:48

Answering why isn't really the simple question you're saying it is, especially as the answer is probably just that he doesn't want to. There isn't likely to be any reason other than that's just how he feels, so it's not a simple question at all. What is it that you want him to say?

VelvetRose · 05/05/2015 20:50

It's up to you op. I do know one man who behaved very similarly and it was a sort of guilt thing about leaving his marriage. He eventually did divorce and he and new wife are very happy together. Maybe your dp is like this. Otoh maybe he's not and he has no real intention of getting divorced and is still hung up on his ex. Impossible to say. I must admit given the details about not letting you meet the kids after this long I'm thinking the latter but only you can say for sure.

Original poster

WatchingWaiting4 · 06/05/2015 06:57

We've spoken further.
He says he hasn't got the money for the divorce as he now has a credit card to pay off from a recent work related purchase and doesn't want to get hit for interest...
He is happy with the way things are at the moment, thinks I'm in a rush with regards to children meeting. He said he's concerned that are parenting skills are very different and says he never wants his son to meet my mum.

OP posts:

1Morewineplease · 06/05/2015 07:13

Oh OP, I am sorry you're in this predicament... Could you find it in your heart to tell him that you'd like to give him some space to help him to decide what he needs to do? At the moment it sounds like you're being his safety net... If during some time apart/space time he still doesn't make a decision then you'll know the answer. Really sorry .

1Morewineplease · 06/05/2015 07:15

Just read your most recent post.. Suggest he's finding some very plausible excuses.

DinosaursRoar · 06/05/2015 07:23

Hmm, if your mum is never to meet his son, then you are never going to be a step-mother, never more than the relationship you have now.

He's not going to be the relationship you want. Are you afraid to end it? Have you always been with someone?

PoppyFleur · 06/05/2015 07:26

OP your boyfriend is just coming out of a marriage & sorry for how this sounds but he doesn't want to jump into a new committed relationship. He enjoys time with you, it fills lonely hours & sorry to be blunt but he is probably enjoying sex with not too many strings. Sadly I think he wants to find his feet as a newly separated man & maybe eventually date around.

Sorry OP, not what you want to hear. When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

londonrach · 06/05/2015 07:35

Op. I think you boyfriend is using you as either back up or excuse to leave his wife.

ilovesooty · 06/05/2015 07:38

He's using you - what for we can't know. However he's clearly signalling that you have no future together. You're really considering continuing a relationship where he's specifically said his son will never meet your mother?

Mrsstarlord · 06/05/2015 07:42

I'm afraid that this man is too scared to let you know that he isn't ready to commit so is finding every excuse under the sun not to.

You are clearly both in very different places and for your own sanity I would suggest that you take a step away from the relationship.

or turn your back and walk away when you might meet someone who feels the same way as you

FizzyGreenWater · 06/05/2015 20:43

Ok you do need to dump.

What that little scenario with him meeting a woman tells you is: if he thinks he might get in a sticky situation with you, he will lie. And that's really really important. It means:

he's a liar.
he has little respect for you.

You knew point 2 anyway. But now you know that you can't trust him. Lying by omission is still lying. That's the measure of this man: backslide, fib, lie, use. Didn't want to worry you? Um, no. That's not acceptable. You don't get to manipulate someone else's life like that: you want to get to be their partner, sleep with them, expect them to have regard and care for you - you don't get to level with them when you choose and then treat them like a fool when it suits, to give you an easier life. He lied because it's either dodgy, or he knows it could look dodgy so he just didn't give you the option of having an opinion on it or asking him to justify or explain.

Much like the rest of your relationship. Put up, shut up and be where and how and what HE wants you to be.

Fuck that, I think.

Stitchintime1 · 07/05/2015 06:46

Why ask him anything? What matters is what people do. The rest are words. Only when you have seen someone be reliable and trustworthy and over again, do their words count for anything?

He has a nice life right now. And you coud have a nice life too if you concentrated on it rather than on his.

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