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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to get on with it

119 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 04/05/2015 23:54

I've been with boyfriend for a year and a half. When we first met we were both still married. I had been separated from my husband at the time for a year. He told me he had been separated for 9 months. It took him a year to finally tell his wife that he had met me. I was understanding at the time as he said he didn't want to piss his ex off incase she moved away with his son. Ever since we met he said he wanted to divorce her but a year and a half later and he still hasn't done anything, even though he knows how crap the fact he hasn't started divorce proceedings makes me. My divorce is now complete and I'm made to feel like I'm being unreasonable when I mention him getting on with his. So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
deedee33 · 05/05/2015 14:35

Fife and drum

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 15:20

I've been to 2 family events, 1 wedding, 1 birthday. He says that shows how serious he is. I've not been introduced to any of his friends as he doesn't seem to see them as his wife is still friendly with them

OP posts:
googoodolly · 05/05/2015 15:36

OP, if he was serious he would be getting divorced now. At LEAST he would have started the process/sorted out the paperwork/started saving to pay for it. Going to a family birthday isn't really any kind of commitment, imo.

DinosaursRoar · 05/05/2015 16:12

So, you've been to events where it would normal for him to have a 'plus one' invite? But not out with friends where it wouldn't be automatic that he should take a 'date'. OP, I've been to formal events with a single male friend in the past where it was expected he'd bring someone. It wasn't a sign of commitment, more that it's the done thing to bring someone with you to that sort of event.

That he dosn't want you to meet his friends because they are also friends with his wife is interesting, what does he see changing or does he not see you ever being allowed to be part of his social life? They must all know he's moved out, that it's ok for him to be dating someone else.

DinosaursRoar · 05/05/2015 16:13

(I now have solider solider in my head!)

shewept · 05/05/2015 16:48

Op are you happy hanging on indefinitely?

Because it's coming across as though you want us to convince you, that he is. I think you came here wanting people to reassure you waiting was the right thing to do.

You keep trying to justify hanging on. Why?

blushingbooty · 05/05/2015 16:50

I think your mum has the lay of him OP, he sounds like a time waster.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 18:31

He can't seem to give me a reason for our kids and us to spend time getting to know each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 18:32

Not to spend time together.

OP posts:
HeadDoctor · 05/05/2015 18:41

18 months is not too soon. He's stringing you along, sorry OP.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2015 18:48

For goodness sake. He isn't all that into you. He'd be back with his wife like shit off a shovel if she wanted to start again and you wouldn't see him for dust.
Your mum can see this. You can't because you don't want to.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 18:52

Why would his wife have given him the marriage certificate?

OP posts:
HeadDoctor · 05/05/2015 18:57

Does it matter?
Do you want us to say he's being reasonable so you can justify staying? Whatever the reason is, he's not interested in progressing the relationship with you.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2015 18:59

He might have had the marriage certificate all along.
He's just making excuses.

I don't know why you bothered posting.

Kiwiinkits · 05/05/2015 19:00

There's no personal power in waiting around for someone else to call the shots on your life. Don't make a big fuss but just detach from him for a while. Don't call. Don't text. Do other stuff in your weekends. Then see what happens.

shewept · 05/05/2015 19:03

Lets she has given him to start proceedings. I am sure he could have got a copy before. I had to get a copy of ours and didn't take dh with me. But anyway lets say she has now given him it. And, realising the marriage os actually over he starts divorcing her....how long will it take?

Then you will know for the rest of your life that he picked you only when he knew she wasn't interested.

You know why you can't spend time with his kids. Because his ex wife has said so and its not the important to him to revisit the subject. Once he is divorced there is less she can do about it.

He would be stupid to introduce a woman who he isn't sure there is a future with. Personally I think it hasn't happened as he still doesn't want to move one from his marriage.

Again op, what did you expect people to say? What do you want from this thread. You are just repeating questions over and over. No one is going to tell you he is committed to you and just give him sometime and he will realise you are the live of his life.

Gabilan · 05/05/2015 19:09

Why is he saying he wants a divorce then?

He's saying what you want to hear so that he has an easy life, at least for now. However, he's not actually doing anything and actions speak louder than words.

Not telling his wife that he was seeing someone for a year and not introducing you to his friends are red flags for me. From past experience, if somebody really wants to be with you, they're so happy they want to tell the world.

Sorry OP, it is miserable. I've been the "you'll do for now" person. It sounds to me like he's not good at being on his own. In the meantime you're there so he's not on his own. Another vote for the back off/ split up option. He's messing up your mascara, not your lipstick. That's not good.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/05/2015 19:12

OP I've been separated for year, but I'm not divorced yet. Never felt the need to, never got round to it. I can assure you that I am very "over" my exDH - we are both happy in long term relationships. Neither of our DPs are bothered that we are still married.

ExH and I get on really well and co-parent our DC. We speak most days and chat about all sorts of stuff. He phoned me today, for instance, to see if I'd had a nice holiday and update me on the kids.

I know every situation is different but just wanted to put a different perspective on it

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 19:15

Bitoutoforactice - has your new partner met your children?

OP posts:
chairmeoh · 05/05/2015 19:18

How much time do you spend together? I presume you'd DD lives with you, but you say that your Boyfriend hasn't met her. So you I guess you only spend time together while DD is with her father. It sounds like really early days to me.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 19:26

We spend evenings together. He comes round to mine or I go round to his. I'm living with my parents as well at the moment. He has met my daughter a number of times.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 05/05/2015 19:28

He just doesn't want to get divorced and have you spend time with his children. If he wanted to do those thing, there's nothing much that would stop him. He's not doing anything wrong, he just doesn't want to move on with the relationship as quickly as you do.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/05/2015 19:30

He's using you, simple as.

It's nicer to be with someone than not. But he isn't serious about you, and doesn't want to commit to you one little bit. Is he going to level with you on it? Gawd no, he knows he'd be out on his ear and Saturday nights would be lonely.

Goodness knows what he really feels about his wife. What you do know is that he's making every excuse under the sun to not get divorced, not have you meet his kids, not spend time with his friends.

You really, really need to dump. Because if we're all wrong and he's just being crap for some other reason, then you dumping should spur him into action. So win. However, if he'd rather lose you than start his divorce, then you know exactly how important you are to him. So win again.

Dump him and find out. Talk is cheap. All the real signs say he's with you for a warm bed and company, sadly.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 20:01

I know I need to do something. I've asked him to come back to me tonight and let me know why he can't go ahead with a straightforward mortgage and why he feels now isn't the right time to meet the children. To me they are simple questions and I can't see why both aren't possible at this moment in time. The longer this business has dragged on has made me resentful.

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 20:13

I'll Run.this by.you.too. A couple of weeks ago he was doing some work.to help.his friend out. I knew there was going to be a bit of time inbetween the job where he wouldn't have much to.do. It turned.out he had met up.with a female friend he worked.with recently. He didn't mention it in conversation when I asked how it was going and what he'd been doing to.kill time. I only knew due to Social media as the woman had posted about how great it was seeing him. When I asked him he said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to worry or feel insecure. That obviously had the opposite effect!

OP posts:
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