Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to get on with it

119 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 04/05/2015 23:54

I've been with boyfriend for a year and a half. When we first met we were both still married. I had been separated from my husband at the time for a year. He told me he had been separated for 9 months. It took him a year to finally tell his wife that he had met me. I was understanding at the time as he said he didn't want to piss his ex off incase she moved away with his son. Ever since we met he said he wanted to divorce her but a year and a half later and he still hasn't done anything, even though he knows how crap the fact he hasn't started divorce proceedings makes me. My divorce is now complete and I'm made to feel like I'm being unreasonable when I mention him getting on with his. So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
crustsaway · 05/05/2015 00:40

You are a pawn here OP, how much more evidence do you need? I feel for you I really do, it's an awful thing to be caught up in but that is what you are.

I'd give him a heck of a lot of space at the moment OP to the point of cutting him off for the moment. You are already becoming very resentful and it will get worse and worse until he tells you that he can't be with you because you keep pushing him, therefore its all your fault.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 00:43

We did have a bad patch at christmas. Which ended up with him saying he wasn't sure if he could go on with being with no because my mum is too controlling. He hates my mum.

OP posts:
crustsaway · 05/05/2015 00:44

Why does he hate your mum then OP?

Coumarin · 05/05/2015 00:44

Why does he hate your Mum?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 00:44

You're right crustsawayou. I can see that happening. He already gets pissed off if I mention it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 00:47

My mum is quite interfering but means well by it but can also be an utter cow. They seem to rub each other up the wrong way.

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 00:49

I attended a family wedding and met his family. His wife obviously wasn't there. Is that a sign of commitment.

OP posts:
Coumarin · 05/05/2015 00:49

Doesn't sound good. Do you think she's interfering or is that how he sees it?

Coumarin · 05/05/2015 00:50

Doesn't sound good was to your Mum post.

Family wedding would be a good thing by itself.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 00:50

She can but sometimes he's just rude and short with her

OP posts:
crustsaway · 05/05/2015 00:56

A sign? do you need to think about signs? OP, you are deeply unhappy, the situation is making you so, put your big girl pants on and remove yourself from such a hurtful place. The more you get sucked in at the moment the more you will shrivel. If it's meant to be he will do what's right.

Silence is golden and cut him off, get on with celebrating your own freedom.

TendonQueen · 05/05/2015 01:00

Yep, space from here to China. If he says anything say you're uncertain about the future of the relationship so thought it best to take a step back. Nothing about the divorce. He'll either step up or he won't.

Take it you don't live together at the moment? Have you met his kids, and if so were you introduced as his girlfriend?

Coumarin · 05/05/2015 01:01

It shouldn't be like this so early on. It's not right. Cut him out now before you're in even deeper. He's no good. Flowers

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 01:06

No, I'm with my parents but in the process of buying my own place. I met his boy twice in the early days and was introduced with my daughter as a friend. When he told his wife he was seeing someone else in September he said she said I was not to have any contact with him so I haven't.

OP posts:
Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 01:08

I don't know if it's true

OP posts:
Gralick · 05/05/2015 01:11

I haven't read your other threads - and I'm not going to project my experience onto yours, just add it as other posters add theirs. You'll know which ideas strike a chord and which don't.

I am really sorry you're going through this. It almost sounds like you're waiting for crumbs off the table, and that's no way to live your only life :(

OK, mine: XH's next wife thought I was hanging on, refusing to let go of him, and all that. She eventually gave him an ultimatum (after 2 years!) which he almost met, thank god. The truth in my case was that he refused financial disclosure and fucked around with the finances until I didn't know which side my arse was on. Our agreement (his edict) was that I had to buy a doer-upper and we'd split the work and the costs. He made it five times the ordeal it would have been anyway, never agreed to costs, and it was basically hell. I couldn't kick him off the project because he had me in a stranglehold.

If I had a time machine I'd do everything differently, but the point of this story is that it looked to his next victim like I was being all needy & clingy and he was doing his reluctant duty. He was a sneaky controlling bastard. Of course she never came round to look at my place & talk about what was going on! She thought she knew what was going on. She was wrong: he'd already conned her.

Mind you, I wouldn't have told her what he's really like. I wanted him gone Grin

crustsaway · 05/05/2015 01:12

So your mum sees whats going on and he hates her? err ok.

In the nicest possible way, maybe you really need to get your act together for you and your daughter and stop thinking prince charming is going to make it all right. Make your daughter your main concern for now as you have just split from her dad.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 01:19

She thinks I can do better.

OP posts:
Gralick · 05/05/2015 01:21

I agree with her.

DustyBusters · 05/05/2015 01:22

She's right. Listen to her.

crustsaway · 05/05/2015 01:22

And you will. Give yourself time also to adjust to being a single parent and put your energies into finding that home for you and your daughter who must be going through a very hard time at the moment. Another man is not the answer.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 01:26

Thank you all for your advice. There are a few other bits that bother me as well like his phone always on silent, he doesn't seem to want to leave me in his room alone weird stuff.

OP posts:
crustsaway · 05/05/2015 01:31

You know, you really do. What do you think anyone is going to say? Please stop all contact and concentrate on your daughter instead of putting all your energy into this man. If I were your mum and you were living with me whilst doing all this I would be ruddy furious with you.

DustyBusters · 05/05/2015 01:49

There are often threads here about controlling DMs and the havoc they wreak but this isn't one of them. It sounds like your DM has got his number and he doesn't like it. Your DM sounds like she is in your corner and has your best interests at heart. I'd find it difficult to be civil to someone who was treating my DS so badly.

Put you and your DD first, take a break OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2015 02:07

Your Mum doesn't like him. What about your friends?

Swipe left for the next trending thread