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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to get on with it

119 replies

WatchingWaiting4 · 04/05/2015 23:54

I've been with boyfriend for a year and a half. When we first met we were both still married. I had been separated from my husband at the time for a year. He told me he had been separated for 9 months. It took him a year to finally tell his wife that he had met me. I was understanding at the time as he said he didn't want to piss his ex off incase she moved away with his son. Ever since we met he said he wanted to divorce her but a year and a half later and he still hasn't done anything, even though he knows how crap the fact he hasn't started divorce proceedings makes me. My divorce is now complete and I'm made to feel like I'm being unreasonable when I mention him getting on with his. So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/05/2015 03:53

He's not as invested in you as you are in him and it doesn't sound as though he and his wife are finished.

Listen to your mum and get rid.

shewept · 05/05/2015 06:14

If he is saying your relationship can't move forward, until he gets divorced but not actually started the process then he isn't interested in moving forward.

Stop looking at his wife's social media accounts and make a decision. Are you going to hang on waiting for him or move on.

Duckdeamon · 05/05/2015 06:26

This is definitely not the time to be introduced to each other's DC, your relationship sounds shaky!

Stitchintime1 · 05/05/2015 06:39

I think broadly speaking, men have this enviable gift for doing exactly what they want to do most of the time.

You are in a relationship with a married man. Do you want to be?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/05/2015 06:54

He will always have a "tie" to this woman, their son, possibly the house if she gets a court order to stay there till the child has left education.

He maybe going for a two year separation divorce, or he might just not be bothered about it yet.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 08:50

He always says he going to do it then he finds excuses like he can't afford it or his wife hasn't given him their marriage certificate. He has the certificate now...

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/05/2015 09:00

The message is quite clear then isn't it?

ollieplimsoles · 05/05/2015 09:00

Op you sound like a lovely person, I would run for the hills away from him and concentrate on your dd, your mum is right.

My dad's girlfriend (after he left my mum) was strung along for 8 years wanting a commitment from him which he never gave, she ended up with serious depression when they finally split up. He spent the first few years of their relationship lying to her about absolutely everything, and still thinking he could get back with my mum!

19lottie82 · 05/05/2015 09:34

If it REALLY bothers you, tell him you don't want to be with someone else's husband and give him a realistic deadline to get the wheels in motion otherwise you walk. If he wants to be with you he will do it, if he doesn't he won't.

However you'll need to be prepared to accept his choice.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 11:09

I've dropped the subject casually into a text message this morning asking if he thinks he'll get it started by the end of the month. He didn't reply. I've spoken to him since and he didn't mention it...

OP posts:
shewept · 05/05/2015 11:59

Op, if he isn't interested in pushing forward with the divorce its not your business really.

What is you business is the affect it has on you. He is ignoring your hints about it, he doesn't want to discuss it with you.

He says the relationship can't move forward until he is divorced. But isn't pursuing that. Which means moving forward with you is not a priority, or even important to him.

You mum doesn't like him because, she knows he has no intention of getting divorced or becoming a proper couple. If you were my dd and having him staying over in my house, whole I knew he was dicking you about and using you and my home. I would be pissed off. I would also be pissed off that you are putting so much energy into a relationship, which is clearly not going anywhere, with a man who doesn't give a shit, while you should be concentrating on your DD and your new life.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 12:09

We've spoken this morning which enevitably ended in us getting shitty with each other. He says he wants to get the divorce but he doesn't have the money. I said I get the money side of things but it's not fair that things can't move forward in otherwise because of this. He said we've only been together 1.5 years and I'm in a rush. He now says he hasn't said we can't move forward getting to know the kids but he doesn't know when that will be. He said it will be when he thinks it's right

OP posts:
shewept · 05/05/2015 12:16

So he just wants you to hang in indefinitely. Until he decides he wants to be with you or till he realises his wife won't have him back.

You aren't happy, so why exactly are you putting up with this?

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 12:24

He's got the marriage certificate and is adamant she now wants Aa divorce

OP posts:
shewept · 05/05/2015 13:06

and what? you are still hanging around indefinitely.

We are going round in circles. You are obviously going to keep hanging on for him, until he is ready or breaks it off with you.

DinosaursRoar · 05/05/2015 13:12

I think you need to step away. End the relationship, or at least put it on hold.

He might never get round to it, for some reason, he wants to stay married right now.

There's no reason not to get divorced other than wanting to be married to that person.

He is married to someone else, tell him you aren't interested in being with him until he's not married to someone else, or at least has done something about ending his marriage, and just moving into his mum's spare room isn't doing something about ending his marriage.

Walk away. He might end his marriage finally and be ready to be in a committed relationship with someone else, but he's not at that place yet, and sadly, when he is, you might not be the woman he wants to be with.

LondonLady29 · 05/05/2015 13:28

He's delaying it because he doesn't want his relationship with his ex to be truly over. He hasn't moved on.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 13:31

Why is he saying he wants a divorce then?
Would he find the money if he really wanted to?

OP posts:
googoodolly · 05/05/2015 13:37

If he loved you he would file for divorce. DP was married when we met and his ex-wife had completely dropped off the radar and he hadn't spoken to her/contacted her in over 4 years. No DC. As soon as the five year separation period was up and he could get the divorce without her consent, he filled in the paperwork, paid the fees and got it sorted.

If he loved you, OP, he would sort it out. I think he's with you for convenience, and until the ex-wife moves on. If he wanted to be with you, they would be divorced by now.

DinosaursRoar · 05/05/2015 13:37

He's saying he wants a divorce to you because if he said "It's not working living with my wife, and I enjoy sleeping with you and dating you, but I'm not ready to really fully accept my marriage is over and cut ties with her." would you ever see him again?

For whatever reason, he's not ready to close that door. He's not moved on, he's not signed for a flat or done anything that suggest a permanent split. He doesn't have a new home.

Logically he might know there's no going back to how it was with his wife, but he's not ready to move on.

shewept · 05/05/2015 13:38

Seriously OP?

He has being saying he wants to for 18 months, he is living at his parents. If he wanted to be divorced he would have started proceedings and found the money.

You are now hopeful because she wants a divorce. So you are hoping he will move forward with you on the basis that she definitely doesn't want him back? I am 99% sure if she said she wanted to try again, he would go back.

He is not planning a long term future with you. He says he is, but he isn't.

I would even go so far as to say he is waiting for you to get your own house, to cocklodge.

Its simple you either believe his excuses or you don't. If you do believe him, crack on stay with him and introduce your dd to him and wait for him forever.

If you don't believe him, then you need to split up with him.

VeryAgedParent · 05/05/2015 13:53

If he wanted to seriously be with you he would have been divorced by now. I didn't bother divorcing my exH until current DH and I decided to marry, it didn't seem relevant to do so until we decided to be together permanently.

I'm not saying that he doesn't want to be with you but it is not his current priority, and honestly I think you are wrong to push for him to get a divorce (really its up to him) If you had booked the registry office fair enough, but you haven't and it sounds as if you are a long way from that.
I would begin to give him a bit of space, if you are that important to him you will soon find out.
I wouldn't wait around for ever, perhaps you Mum is seeing the real situation that you won't acknowledge.

Original poster
WatchingWaiting4 · 05/05/2015 14:10

Am I asking too much after a year and a half? Is it really too early for us to spend time together with the kids to see how things work In the interest of the children?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2015 14:17

What is costing so much money? My divorce was very cheap. No children, though so I didn't need a lawyer.

deedee33 · 05/05/2015 14:34

OP it does soynd awfully much as though he is saying he wants a / plans a divorce 'when the time is right' because if he said the opposite he'd be out in the cold. In many tricky situations, its so.much easier to fib (including to yourself) than be really straight and honest.

I'm reminded of the old song "Oh soldier soldier will you marry me, with your musket fife and dru?

"Oh no pretty maid I cannot marry you (or in this instace, divorce my wife) as I have no coat to put on (don't have the certificate/time, wife's agreement)
"So off she went, to her grandfather's chest, and she brought him a coat of the very very best. And the soldier put it on. "

And so it continues, you probably know the ending. My prediction is you will have a good few more snappy conversations about this, but I can't see it ending well for you. Sorry, it must be miserable for you, but I don't think he's treating you well.