Goal posts moved and feel confused

[harryhadhoops]

I have posted about this a while back, things kind of got sorted but have changed last minute. I am pregnant with DD(2) due end of June. I have an 11 year old DD from a previous marriage. I have been with current partner couple of years which has been a bit up and down. We don't live together but planned to move in and become 'proper' family for baby. He has two grown up sons who grew up with their mum and have not lived with DP since I have known him. DP told me a while back that one of his DS was going to be moving in on returning from uni. I said that I didn't feel comfortable with this for reasons including - have only met him a few times, i would be at home pregnant/with newborn with him and possibly his mates hanging around - i am a private person, posssibly a bit introverted and I don't want to live with a 24 year old man I don't even know at a time where I feel pretty vulnerable being pregnant and then with newborn. His mum lives around the corner and has two empty bedrooms so I don't see why he cannot stay with her like he normally does.

It was kind of all sorted but now 2 weeks before DD and I due to move in DP tells me that actually his DS is coming to live with us. I am really pissed off about it!! He pretended he didn't really understand what I meant and has asked his DS to stay with his mum for 2 weeks after baby born to give us some time, but otherwise will be there as soon as we move in. I tried to explain that if we were just moving in together then it would be different, but I am pregnant (complicated pregnancy, heavily monitored and will be having C-section) and I feel massively vulnerable not to mention feeling unwell a lot and if I want to just hang around house in my nightie then I don't want to feel unable to do so.

When DD was born I had a very bad time in hospital for a month beforehand, EMCS and then PND. I am really scared about it returning and just want to be settled and comfortable at home. Sadly, I actually don't feel I can do this on my own and need DP to be around to help as without my husband around when DD was born I don't know how I would have managed. DP is currently not talking to me as he says i am unreasonable, it is all about me and my DD, and his ex-wife took over his life and he won't allow me to do it. I have said if he is moving in there is nothing I can do about it - I will spend days in my bedroom if I want privacy... and I mean it!! He has been moody all weekend and I can't believe he is behaving this way as we are packing up to move in. I just don't want to move anymore, but don't beleive I can cope on my own - and it is unfair for DD to see me struggle if we stay as we are. I find I am already planning my exit and moving out once baby is a year old, get a job, get a place for me and my DDs... feel like I am going mad :( :(

Sorry for the typos!

Harry, you take things at your own pace :) the important thing is that you're making moves to stay settled where you are. I'm so glad your hv is coming tomorrow, she sounds great.

You're doing brilliantly. Just put you and dd first. Ignore him. He's a 3 year old having a tantrum because you expressed a view different to his. You didn't even say no! Keep thinking of him as a toddler. You know he's already saying you're controlling? Just like wife number two. The first one refused to clean up after him, the second dared to have her own opinions, and you dare to request a little time just after you've given birth. What a bunch of monsters!

Something tells me it's him who is the problem. Not any one else.

Crikey! Learn from the experiences of your partner's two wives and don't let it happen to you!

I wonder if your partner identified you as a little vulnerable and that is what drew him to you? Perhaps he thought you could be easily controlled? Well, you are beginning to prove to yourself that you are stronger than he hoped you were!

I really hope you stick to your guns and don't move in harry. Having a baby on your own will be a walk in the park compared to living with this twat and his son. Imagine how lovely it will be in your little home with you, your baby and your dd. She's old enough to help you s bit post c-section. And make the most of sure start and the hv.

It's hard to be emotionally strong when pregnant . I was a needy mess in both my pregnancies, but life will be so much harder if you do move in. Do the right thing!

Do you have the money to get a mother's helper or night nanny for a time after the birth?

If you stay where you are with your dd that might be the best option for you to be properly supported after the birth. It doesn't sound like your partner will do that for you no matter what you do for him.

I have anxiety and reading your posts and imagining myself in your situation makes me feel ill, please take care of yourself and dd.

Don't hesitate to post if you need to talk

Another one here supporting you to be strong and protect yourself and your children :) well done on cancelling the redirection.

Maybe time to tell utilities you aren't closing the accounts too?

There's a reason he has two exes OP, he's a nightmare to live with. Tell your close friends the truth so they can support you rather then tell you to move in with him because they don't know.

I was on antidepressants throughout my pregnancy with dd2 and through breastfeeding both of them- sertraline as it is supposed to be safest. It really did help and I didn't freak out anywhere near as much the second time. The amount that gets through breastmilk is supposed to be tiny, and the ultimate idea is that a happy mother leads to happy baby. So it is entirely possible for you to get medication now, or after the baby is born.

From your later posts, I still think the ds is a red herring and you are focussing your anxiety on being alone with the baby, but ultimately I would be more worried about moving into this situation.

I have just paid my mail to be re-directed, utilities all notified, change of addresses done, loads of packing and chucking stuff out done etc etc.

This is nothing compared to the emotional and psychological strain you might experience living in a situation that you obviously are not comfortable with, and may very well get stuck in.

If your DP's son moves in with you all, you have no idea when he may eventually move out. He could decide to live with you all for years -- after all, where is the guarantee that he will not be still living with you when he is 34 or 44?

You may think this is a silly notion, but I know chaps who moved back in with their parents in their late 20s and are still there 15 years later.

Personally, I think once children get over 21 years of age, there has to be a very considered approach to whether or how they live in the parental home -- and this goes for all parental set-ups, including ones where parents are still together.

At this point, you are not talking about a typical parent/child scenario where there is a clear duty of care from parent to child, but rather a situation where adults with strong familial ties live together under the same roof. This can be incredibly difficult to get right so that everyone in the home feels like they have the right amount of responsibilities, rights, and freedoms, and where one adult does not infringe upon the needs of another.

I do not think that this reality has been remotely considered in your particular case, op, and it just feels like trouble from the off.

Been quite reflective today and realise that deep down I know how serious the issues are in the relationship and in how he has treated me, but i was kidding myself (and of course his promises) that he would change. There were, and continue to be red flags.

At this point I am obviously sad that I am going to let DD down by not moving and feel bad that I am not even giving it a chance to work out and baby bond properly with her dad. Apart from that I suppose part of it is iI will feel less secure financially, and emotionally (sometimes DP can be fantastic - esp in some recent family crisis that my pregnancy hormones felt like falling apart at), DP was kind of like my strength in that and I feel sad that I will once again be on my own. Then of course losing face, oh look she's a single parent again........ A big part of me thinks to just go and try for 6 months and get the financial support I need - but he has been so cold towards me for over a week now and not speaking for several days so hardly going to be fun moving in.

What really pissed me off last week was I am trying hard to make DD feel comfortable there - we were going to stay there for the night and arrived and DD plonked herself on sofa and got her tablet out. DP said 'make yourself at home why don't you'..... I was really cross, yes possibly over sensitive but if this is supposed to be her home why say something like that, joking or not. I didn't say anything as he would have just got in massive strop then and we would have had to leave

Sorry, rambling now!

So he is a waste of space.

Who else is there in your life who will or could offer you either emotional or practical support (or both)?

Make yourself at home?!

Yes she should have been making herself at home - that was going to be her home!

Op you are not letting anybody down by staying where you are, quite the reverse. You are protecting yourself and your daughters. Anybody who cares that you are going to be a single mother again doesn't care about you.

Be brave now and you will save a whole lot of pain and heartache in the future.

You are not letting your dd down, you are doing her a favour.
I'm sure your dd doesn't want to witness her mother being made a depressed and nervous wreck. Neither does she want to see her mother big treated badly.

Do not move in with this man. He won't change. He hasn't changed over two marriages and has done nothing but blame his former partners for his divorces.

And sorting and throwing stuff out is still a positive. You've made more room for the baby and a new start.

my dps would welcome me in to their house whenever if needed - but if they had stuff going on that made it inconvenient then unless it was an emergency they would say no and I would have no problem with that - at 24 this man does not need to stay at your house desperately and there is seemingly no emergency and his staying would be inconvenient at that time. Just because his parents divorced 18 years ago does not entitle him to stay - any adult dc would normally say 'no worries I understand it really isn't the right time' - as a parent I would - if there were no alternative accommodation - offer to help with rental costs possibly depending on the circumstance.

A 24 yo single man with no dc is not going to be living a "family " life - I can only see his moving in as a potential to go wrong for everyone - you need your privacy, he wants to live a free and single 24 yo man (boy if immature) 's life and you and dp will be embarking on both living together and having a newborn at the same time - I think Yanbu.

I would insist he did not move in till dc is 2 months old - at a minimum - 2-4 mths is not a walk in the park if you only recover from cs at 6 weeks which is possible and at least by 2 mths some of the initial hormones have passed - am under impression that it peaks at 5-6 weeks. You need time to get your home set out, get in the rhythm of living together and then with a baby. I would approach do calmly but let him know this is as far as you will compromise. And also insist on house rules if you go ahead.

Sorry seen update x

This man does treat your DD awfully. Already. Please do not subject that innocent child to this emotionally abusive person 24/7. She has no way to escape. She relies on you to do this.

'At this point I am obviously sad that I am going to let DD down by not moving and feel bad that I am not even giving it a chance to work out and baby bond properly with her dad.'

You have been hanging onto this relationship for 2 years, that's ample time.

Believe me, it will be very hard to move out once you are there.

You really cannot take chances with a person like this.

He has been showing you how he is, over and over and over again. An emotionally abusive, disrespectful, manipulative bully who does and will run roughshod over you and your daughter.

You would be letting her down to subject her to this as a home.

Oh OP, I feel for you, but another one who hopes you back out of it. I split up from my useless ex before I knew I was pregnant and he spent a lot of time trying to persuade me to go back. I think there is something primitive in pregnant women that makes us seek security, even in the wrong places. I was tempted, but as soon as my baby was born, the temptation was gone, thank god.

At the moment it sounds like you fear a repetition of your previous experience. But this time you have a great team on side and, I'm afraid, if you live with this man, he will suck the joy of motherhood out of you.

I also suspect he would be financially abusive if you were a SAHM.

' I was really cross, yes possibly over sensitive but if this is supposed to be her home why say something like that, joking or not. I didn't say anything as he would have just got in massive strop then and we would have had to leave'

You are already walking on eggshells, doubting every feeling you have and what will happen when he gets a massive strop and you are stuck there, and that little girl who cannot leave, too?

So he is already showing that he will be abusive to your DD too. Run away very fast.

Gosh OP, please stick to your guns and don't move in with him. He sounds horrendous in his treatment of you and your daughter. Dealing with a newborn on your own will be so so much easier than the conflict and emotional abuse you could face if you were living with your partner.

yanbu at all. of course be nice to his son and welcome him slowly into your life but doesn't have to live with you. It would be different if he was living with your partner before uni. this isn't what you signed up for. if partner doesn't get that, maybe time to reassess. get to know this new situation before deciding on anything. hope everything goes well with your pregnancy. his son is not a child any more.