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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Goal posts moved and feel confused

122 replies

harryhadhoops · 04/05/2015 17:15

I have posted about this a while back, things kind of got sorted but have changed last minute. I am pregnant with DD(2) due end of June. I have an 11 year old DD from a previous marriage. I have been with current partner couple of years which has been a bit up and down. We don't live together but planned to move in and become 'proper' family for baby. He has two grown up sons who grew up with their mum and have not lived with DP since I have known him. DP told me a while back that one of his DS was going to be moving in on returning from uni. I said that I didn't feel comfortable with this for reasons including - have only met him a few times, i would be at home pregnant/with newborn with him and possibly his mates hanging around - i am a private person, posssibly a bit introverted and I don't want to live with a 24 year old man I don't even know at a time where I feel pretty vulnerable being pregnant and then with newborn. His mum lives around the corner and has two empty bedrooms so I don't see why he cannot stay with her like he normally does.

It was kind of all sorted but now 2 weeks before DD and I due to move in DP tells me that actually his DS is coming to live with us. I am really pissed off about it!! He pretended he didn't really understand what I meant and has asked his DS to stay with his mum for 2 weeks after baby born to give us some time, but otherwise will be there as soon as we move in. I tried to explain that if we were just moving in together then it would be different, but I am pregnant (complicated pregnancy, heavily monitored and will be having C-section) and I feel massively vulnerable not to mention feeling unwell a lot and if I want to just hang around house in my nightie then I don't want to feel unable to do so.

When DD was born I had a very bad time in hospital for a month beforehand, EMCS and then PND. I am really scared about it returning and just want to be settled and comfortable at home. Sadly, I actually don't feel I can do this on my own and need DP to be around to help as without my husband around when DD was born I don't know how I would have managed. DP is currently not talking to me as he says i am unreasonable, it is all about me and my DD, and his ex-wife took over his life and he won't allow me to do it. I have said if he is moving in there is nothing I can do about it - I will spend days in my bedroom if I want privacy... and I mean it!! He has been moody all weekend and I can't believe he is behaving this way as we are packing up to move in. I just don't want to move anymore, but don't beleive I can cope on my own - and it is unfair for DD to see me struggle if we stay as we are. I find I am already planning my exit and moving out once baby is a year old, get a job, get a place for me and my DDs... feel like I am going mad :( :(

OP posts:

Original poster

harryhadhoops · 04/05/2015 18:04

The reason I barely know him is he has been living down South at uni (we are North) and when he comes back he always stays with his mum and will see his dad for one evening (which we aren't ever invited to which is fine as I appreciate they need their time together).... also they are constantly falling out! They have only just started speaking to each other again after 2 months with no contact!

OP posts:

WhetherOrNot · 04/05/2015 18:07

I am absolutely certain that as soon as OP starts breastfeeding or changing nappies that said 24 year old son will swiftly disappear. He's not going to stand there and stare, is he? I bet he doesn't stay more than a couple of weeks - not many 24 year olds want to be around a baby

PeachyPants · 04/05/2015 18:08

YANBU, yes he's his son but he is a grown man, that's a totally different situation to an 11 year old, I think he's being really unfair to you and that he's actually being controlling trying to force this arrangement on you.

raawwhh · 04/05/2015 18:09

OP - If he is anything like some of the 24 year old men I know perhaps laying down some ground rules may help:

All music to be played through headphones - you have a new born after all
He must make sure he doesn't wake you or the baby after XX time at night
He must do all his own washing which is to be put away promptly when dry
He is to cook his own meals and clean up after himself
No friends over
No excessive noise/drinking
Cleaning rota
Perhaps you can provide him with a 'survival kit' - ear plugs and the like. I suspect he doesn't realise what it is like living with a new born and will perhaps scarper within the first night of being woken up.

JanineStHubbins · 04/05/2015 18:09

So you might have to put up with them constantly rowing as well? Even more YANBU.

SiobhanSharpe · 04/05/2015 18:09

Is your DP going to move into your place, or you into his, or are you getting a new place together? If he wants to move into yours, well, your house, your rules.
But whatever the situation really I don't see why your DP can't ask his son to delay it for a few weeks, or a couple of months. At least until after your six-week check, as you're having a C-section.
I wouldn't like to share my home with a near stranger in such circumstancesl YANBU.

Andylion · 04/05/2015 18:09

YANBU. Why is he not moving in with his mother?

shewept · 04/05/2015 18:11

Sorry op yabu. Its his son and his son should always be able to stay if needed. He is moving out for 2 weeks when the baby is born.

Your dps son is as much part of the family as your dd and your baby. House rules need to be set and enforced.

But I think yabu to ask your do to turn his son away, because he might invite is friends round and play x box

PuppyMonkey · 04/05/2015 18:12

What on earth is the 24 yo doing thinking this is a good plan - crying baby, dirty nappies, night feeds. Has he fallen out with the mum or can he not see that your home set up might not be very suitable for him, let alone poor you? He's 24 - that's plenty old enough to understand these things.

Jessica2point0 · 04/05/2015 18:17

OP, you defo need to talk to DP. I like the pp's list of house rules. And you need to make it clear that you can't have rows in the house - having a newborn is stressful enough.

If he didn't have anywhere else, or was younger I would be agreeing with the "it's his DS" posters. But he's an adult, and your baby will also be his child, so DSS needs must be balanced with yours and baby's.

Original poster

harryhadhoops · 04/05/2015 18:19

God if I tried to start a load of house rules for DSS then DP would be furious!!

I have always said we are going to be living together for the first time, plus a new born, we need time to adjust and find our feet - and for me to at least part recover. I said give it a couple of months after baby is born and it will be different and I will be stronger and able to cope. DP's response was oh you;ll just say you;re too depressed (i have never, ever said this to him!?!) or you;re too this or that so it won't happen.

Maybe he has fallen out with mum, didn't think of that, although apparently mum is very laid back (DP is not) which is why he always stays there when comes back rather than with DP.

Agreed re boob out breastfeeding might make him go - but seriously, would be too self concious to do it, which is why i picture me and baby in our bedroom a lot

OP posts:

Jessica2point0 · 04/05/2015 18:26

harry, so your DP think his DS can just move in with literally no rules at all?! That's insane. I've flat-shared a lot and always had house rules - it's the easiest way for everyone to know where they stand and get along. I also moved home at 26 and had house rules.

You've explained your concerns, and he has dismissed your feelings. I'm not sure that he sounds like someone who will be even remotely supportive when baby arrives.

raawwhh · 04/05/2015 18:28

That's really sad OP. If my OH was putting such demands on me I would be gone ( when I was in an ER thats the sort of attitude my ex had).

He has to understand that when you move in it will be your house as well, as his equal partner, if not the whole thing reaks of subserviency. Therefore, if you want house rules for both 'kids' whilst you are on ML to make your life more comfortable, the you do that and he should support you.

Your OH isn't coming across very well at all TBH.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2015 18:31

I remember your last thread, you spoke of this son who is also a huge slob and your DP, too, sees housework as something for females.

Nearly everyone advised you not to move in with him.

Yet you are still going to.

Vycount · 04/05/2015 18:31

24 years old, hasn't lived with his father for the last 18 years.

Doesn't get on well with his father and has only been back in contact after the last falling out for 2 months.
His father won't allow you - supposedly his equal partner about to set up home with him - to set any rules for this unexpected shared living arrangement.

When you ask for a short delay of a couple of months to let you get established in your new life and with your baby your "D"P won't consider it and starts to allege that you won't stick to the agreement, but will be "depressed".
Sounds like you're getting some pretty clear indications on how your future loving partner plans to treat you Op. :-(

shewept · 04/05/2015 18:32

Well then it sounds as though you shouldn't move in.

He thinks you will try and manipulate him to get your own way and keep his son out. You think he won't care about you and your feelings, set rules and expect them to be abided by.

I don't think this is a relationship that will work. Sorry op, but I do think yabu to try and stop him letting his son stay with him (especially since its his house your are moving into) but yanbu to consider not moving in at all.

shewept · 04/05/2015 18:34

It actually sounds like your relationship should have ended a while ago.

Vycount · 04/05/2015 18:34

How about this Op - delay moving in. Give yourself more time to make a reasoned choice. You've managed on your own before. Expat is right isn't she? This is the bloke who is a lazy slob and already treats you badly.

PeachyPants · 04/05/2015 18:37

At 24 it wouldn't have occurred to me that I would have been able to move in with my mum and step dad unless there had been some kind of catastrophic event in my life. He's an adult he should be looking for somewhere of his own.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 04/05/2015 18:42

I get why you might be uncomfortable, but if the biologically-impossible happened and the situation was reversed, would you really turn your DD away, grown or not, because a partner didn't want her there? Whether this guy is 4 or 24, he's your partner's son. Your new baby's half brother. It's obviously not an ideal time but good people don't turn their children away because their timing isn't quite convenient.

I had to stay with my mum last year for a few months. I had a tiny baby. Was all far from convenient but DM's DP didn't question it for a second. And if he had, it would have been him looking for somewhere to stay, not me.

shewept · 04/05/2015 18:42

Is Expat correct?

Have you posted before?

raawwhh · 04/05/2015 18:43

If your DPs views on housework etc are true I'm hoping he is a bit Jim-Bob Duggar , however, Im starting to get the feeling he could have the potential to be more Floyd Mayweather. Is it fair to bring your DD into that sort of household as at best both of you will become live in maids.

CorruptBunny · 04/05/2015 18:52

Hi op, if one of the reasons why you feel you have to move in is because you need dp's support after you've had a c section, then please start asking your midwife to refer you for some support so you can manage on your own. Have you any friends or relatives who could help you too?

Vycount · 04/05/2015 18:57

"I get why you might be uncomfortable, but if the biologically-impossible happened and the situation was reversed, would you really turn your DD away, grown or not, because a partner didn't want her there? Whether this guy is 4 or 24, he's your partner's son. Your new baby's half brother. It's obviously not an ideal time but good people don't turn their children away because their timing isn't quite convenient. "

Actually, I can quite easily envisage asking an adult DC to wait a couple of months before moving in. The bloke is 24, not 14! And he hasn't lived with his father since he was 6 FFS. If the plan is for these 3 ADULTS to live together then a bit of consideration wouldn't go amiss. Op isn't happy, but tried to compromise by asking for a couple of months before the move. She's been turned down flat, and in rather nasty terms as well.

Op, I think your partner has a very clear idea of a woman's place in the household, and he expects you to put up and shut up. Not great is it?

Jessica2point0 · 04/05/2015 19:32

Actually, OP, has your DP considered your daughter? Should she really be moving in with a 24 year old man she doesn't know? Has she even met him?

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