Goal posts moved and feel confused

[harryhadhoops]

I have posted about this a while back, things kind of got sorted but have changed last minute. I am pregnant with DD(2) due end of June. I have an 11 year old DD from a previous marriage. I have been with current partner couple of years which has been a bit up and down. We don't live together but planned to move in and become 'proper' family for baby. He has two grown up sons who grew up with their mum and have not lived with DP since I have known him. DP told me a while back that one of his DS was going to be moving in on returning from uni. I said that I didn't feel comfortable with this for reasons including - have only met him a few times, i would be at home pregnant/with newborn with him and possibly his mates hanging around - i am a private person, posssibly a bit introverted and I don't want to live with a 24 year old man I don't even know at a time where I feel pretty vulnerable being pregnant and then with newborn. His mum lives around the corner and has two empty bedrooms so I don't see why he cannot stay with her like he normally does.

It was kind of all sorted but now 2 weeks before DD and I due to move in DP tells me that actually his DS is coming to live with us. I am really pissed off about it!! He pretended he didn't really understand what I meant and has asked his DS to stay with his mum for 2 weeks after baby born to give us some time, but otherwise will be there as soon as we move in. I tried to explain that if we were just moving in together then it would be different, but I am pregnant (complicated pregnancy, heavily monitored and will be having C-section) and I feel massively vulnerable not to mention feeling unwell a lot and if I want to just hang around house in my nightie then I don't want to feel unable to do so.

When DD was born I had a very bad time in hospital for a month beforehand, EMCS and then PND. I am really scared about it returning and just want to be settled and comfortable at home. Sadly, I actually don't feel I can do this on my own and need DP to be around to help as without my husband around when DD was born I don't know how I would have managed. DP is currently not talking to me as he says i am unreasonable, it is all about me and my DD, and his ex-wife took over his life and he won't allow me to do it. I have said if he is moving in there is nothing I can do about it - I will spend days in my bedroom if I want privacy... and I mean it!! He has been moody all weekend and I can't believe he is behaving this way as we are packing up to move in. I just don't want to move anymore, but don't beleive I can cope on my own - and it is unfair for DD to see me struggle if we stay as we are. I find I am already planning my exit and moving out once baby is a year old, get a job, get a place for me and my DDs... feel like I am going mad :( :(

If he dumps you for not moving in he will have done you a big favour.

Do not move in, your dd will get over the bigger room and sort your life out going forwards without this man. Good luck!

Op I remember your previous thread and I agreed with many, many others that you should stay in your own lovely, if compact home.
You say that your daughter is looking forward to moving because she will get a bigger room and that not moving would be letting her down. In my opinion you would be letting her down by moving. What is she going to experience in her new home? Her mother being treated like domestic staff? A volatile, unequal relationship between her mother and step father? What is her relationship with her step father going to be like if he falls out with and goes no contact with his own children? How will your partner cope with your daughter in the house?
If your partner has old fashioned views about domestic responsibility and is keen for you to be a SAHM how much hands on help do you really think he is going to give with a baby? Very little I suspect. And does he want you to be a SAHM or a housewife? Probably the latter.
Why can't you propose house rules? If three adults (plus children) are going to be sharing a house for the first time you do need to agree how things are going to work. Or is the plan they do what they want and you fit in around them?
Lastly if you are already planning to leave your partner's home/him next May you should not be contemplating moving in now.

So from this you get a better house for you and your DD, and the financial luxury of not having to work.

It seems more than a little odd to have a baby with someone you've never even lived with. What on earth makes you think that's a good thing for your DC?

Does he own this house? If so, I'm guessing you'll be expecting him to put it in joint names.

It sounds like he never really agreed to what you wanted, but was happy to keep the peace by allowing you to think that he did. But either way, it's not an acceptable agreement for him to make, it would be wrong of him to suddenly tell his son that he can no longer offer him a home after uni finishes. After all, that was arranged too, and your agreement with him does not trump the agreement he had with his son. The son may be an adult, but adults straight out of uni often still need support from their parents. It's so hard for young people to set themselves up nowadays, his son does deserve his support, and as it's you that has the problem with that, then it's your agreement that has to take second place.

You have allowed yourself to get into a very vulnerable position by giving up your job, and you'd only be making it worse by moving in with him. It won't end well.

This is very, very bad for your DD, too.

This man will dominate you.

The work you do to undo this is minimal.

Op, do you feel like you have to move in with him for financial stability?

If you weren't pregnant would you be moving in?

I had post natal anxiety and completely understand your fear of the first few months, but I think the ds is a red herring, I would be more worried that I would be expected to wait on dp hand and foot when I was post natal and recovering from a c section.

Do you have anyone else for support- relatives, friends?

Of course he duped you. He is at best manipulative. At worst, emotionally abusive.

I know if I don't move in DP will end the relationship, again this is certain as he has clearly told me. I feel perhaps this was the plan and I have been duped into it.

He's TRYING to end your relationship. Why are you even considering moving in?

You could also contact homestart for some support after the baby arrives. And contact the cab to find out what benefits you and your dcs would qualify for. Definitely don't move in with him for financial security.

If I wasn't pregnant I definitely would not be moving in. Bedraggle thankyou for understanding, I think only someone who has had severe anxiety can understand what I am trying to say, people who don't just have a 'man up' attitude - which I understand, I never had any sort of anxiety/depression prior to having DD and would have been much of the same attitude.

We would be fine without him financially. He earns a lot and would pay maintenance. Yes our house is tiny but it would be ok.

No family in this area, and closer family don't know too much about various things DP has done over our relationship so their attitude is you have to try and work it out ie. move in and try and thats what I can't decide - just to try and see how it goes, or quit now.

Your anxiety is going to be FAR worse if you move in. You need to TELL people around you what is going on because this has GREAT potential to become emotionally abusive. Very great potential.

Op please do not do this, you already know it's a mistake. I also remember your previous thread and you got lots of good advice there. A man who will end a relationship when you are carrying his child just because you won't agree to these living arrangements is someone who isn't that invested in the relationship! You do still have your own house don't you?

Op I ended up with PND and that's one of the reasons why I think the situation you are planning to put yourself in is a disaster.

You say you have to move in with him as you can't manage alone. You are picturing him being helpful and reasonable and yes, that would be better than living alone. The reality though is that he will be neither reasonable or helpful and there will be MORE stress and upset for you and probably more likely depression due to you being so unhappy if you go ahead and move in with him.
Your ideal is not going to happen. Your choices are to do it alone which will be hard but you will be happier long term or move in with him, be emotionally abused and manipulated, uncomfortable in your own home and most likely badly depressed.
Please make the right choice for you and your daughters x

I think that writing this on here, and seeing responses has really helped. I was feeling that i was being so unreasonable for being upset he had changed at last minute who was going to be living in the house. I mean I haven't even said to him no, I just said i wasn't comfortable with it and i was upset he had done this at last minute. He accused me of trying to control him and I said clearly no, i haven't said he can't move in, its up to you. And he is still not bloody talking to me for the third day now. He is already emotionally abusive by the way he controls things by refusing to speak to me when things don't go his way... i have just stuck my head in the sand to it and hoped it would get better. What worries me is my mental health takes a massive nose dive everytime he has done this during the pregnancy and I need to somehow buffer myself up to not let myself go downhill now. I was on AD's pre pregnancy (since first PND) and clearly being without them doesn't help. The perinatal mental health lady talked about going back on them, but I simply cannot do that to my unborn baby. I intend to breastfeed so they were talking about a safer one to take once baby is born.. but honestly I would prefer if I could just stay off them forever.

Sorry, rambling. But I have just cancelled my mail re-direction :)

Just adding another YANBU. Please take care of yourself .

PLEASE tell you MW. Breastfeeding is well and good but not at the expense of your mental health.

He is already abusive. He will not help you. The abuse will get worse and you will have no escape, trapped in a shithole with two men who don't give a shit about you. And your daughter, too, even more so as she is a child.

He is not speaking to you and this is good. You can do this without him.

But you need to get help and tell your family what is going on.

Moving in is going to be VERY bad for you mentally.

OP - please, if you can financially cope without him, then do so.

I am always wary of men who's exwives 'controlled' them so they 'won't let you do the same' - it's a good way of shutting you up from wanting to be treated like an equal.

Do talk to your MW, as others have said, breast feeding is good, but not if it means you have to be in a relatinship with an abusive twat.

YABU to not have listened to people on your previous thread. Well done for changing it now.

Hurray for cancelling the mail redirection :)

That's great news. I was going to say that you would be mad to move based on the one good thing of your dd having a bigger room. Living with an emotional abuser would give her all the anxiety that you have. I've suffered from anxiety, it's horrendous. I really feel for you.

It sounds like you've got a really good team supporting you, that's great :)

Just take it one step at a time. Unpack any boxes you need to to make the place homely again.

My anxiety got so much better when I got away from xh. It's amazing how much it all drains you.

Imagine trying to look after a newborn and cook and clean for 2 perfectly capable adults at the same time. Adults that are probably arguing and bickering. Even dh and I have house rules. We both agreed them (we've both got things that annoy us) and we just get on with it.

At 24 I would never have moved in with a parent with a newborn. In fact I couldn't imagine anything worse than losing my independence. If I'd had to, and had a choice of two homes, one of which I grew up in and one of which was with a parent I'd recently fallen out with and with a new partner and baby and child, I know which I'd choose.

I suspect his DM has told him to stand on his own two feet and get his own place.

But none of that matters. Your dp is selfish, abusive and makes you unhappy.

That's a good enough reason to end it. I wouldn't wait for him to decide. Message him now "I've had enough of this childish not talking to me. I don't want to live with someone who cannot communicate like an adult. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore it doesn't make me happy. I'll make arrangements to get my stuff/drop your stuff back and we'll discuss contact and maintenance later."

You're doing really well

There is no reason not to go back on ADs if you want to breastfeed, there are safe options and it's better that you are coping than medication-free x

And yes, I wouldn't move in with him after all this - you'd be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position and he could just change his mind in a fortnight and then you're at his mercy. Good luck op x

What are the practical steps you would need to take to be able to continue to live in your own house OP?

Expat my MW already knows. Him treating me like this started back in December and I used to sit crying my eyes out in my appointments so I have told her all about it. She is great and non judgemental. Also when I met with perinatal mental health team they asked me to agree to them informing my MW, HV, GP as well as setting up CBT for me. I have seen a copy of the letter they sent to MW and others and I am happy that they all know what is happening. I have my first visit from HV tomorrow which is really good timing, so she knows a lot of issues from the letter, and at least tomorrow I hope she will be able to help me plan. I used to be so strong and fiesty until I got PND - need to get some of that old self back!!

His first wife was 'too lazy around the house' which is why he left... it was the second wife who was controlling.... the mind boggles. I actually spoke to second wife who said he was always on and off talking to her and how awful it was to live with. I am reminding myself of all the bad stuff like this to put it at the forefront of my brain.

Fuckyou I would love to send that message but I don't want to do it right now as I know that is when isolation/depression will hit. He will continue to not speak to me so I can just get on with my own plans whilst he sulks.

Please don't move in with op.

Having his 24yr son living with is fine if you have both discussed it but it's wrong of him to just tell you it's happening at the last minute and also really bad timing when you've just moved house and had a baby.
I understand completely why you would feel uncomfortable.
I am three years older than your DP's son and couldn't imagine moving back in with my parents!
It sounds to me like you have had MH issues and so don't feel like you can cope on your own, you sound quite vulnerable and your DP sounds like a twat.
Having also suffered from severe anxiety I can tell you it is so much worse when living with an abuser. You don't need this man, you can do it on your own, it may be hard at first but you will feel so much better and be so much happier in the long run.