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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Goal posts moved and feel confused

122 replies

harryhadhoops · 04/05/2015 17:15

I have posted about this a while back, things kind of got sorted but have changed last minute. I am pregnant with DD(2) due end of June. I have an 11 year old DD from a previous marriage. I have been with current partner couple of years which has been a bit up and down. We don't live together but planned to move in and become 'proper' family for baby. He has two grown up sons who grew up with their mum and have not lived with DP since I have known him. DP told me a while back that one of his DS was going to be moving in on returning from uni. I said that I didn't feel comfortable with this for reasons including - have only met him a few times, i would be at home pregnant/with newborn with him and possibly his mates hanging around - i am a private person, posssibly a bit introverted and I don't want to live with a 24 year old man I don't even know at a time where I feel pretty vulnerable being pregnant and then with newborn. His mum lives around the corner and has two empty bedrooms so I don't see why he cannot stay with her like he normally does.

It was kind of all sorted but now 2 weeks before DD and I due to move in DP tells me that actually his DS is coming to live with us. I am really pissed off about it!! He pretended he didn't really understand what I meant and has asked his DS to stay with his mum for 2 weeks after baby born to give us some time, but otherwise will be there as soon as we move in. I tried to explain that if we were just moving in together then it would be different, but I am pregnant (complicated pregnancy, heavily monitored and will be having C-section) and I feel massively vulnerable not to mention feeling unwell a lot and if I want to just hang around house in my nightie then I don't want to feel unable to do so.

When DD was born I had a very bad time in hospital for a month beforehand, EMCS and then PND. I am really scared about it returning and just want to be settled and comfortable at home. Sadly, I actually don't feel I can do this on my own and need DP to be around to help as without my husband around when DD was born I don't know how I would have managed. DP is currently not talking to me as he says i am unreasonable, it is all about me and my DD, and his ex-wife took over his life and he won't allow me to do it. I have said if he is moving in there is nothing I can do about it - I will spend days in my bedroom if I want privacy... and I mean it!! He has been moody all weekend and I can't believe he is behaving this way as we are packing up to move in. I just don't want to move anymore, but don't beleive I can cope on my own - and it is unfair for DD to see me struggle if we stay as we are. I find I am already planning my exit and moving out once baby is a year old, get a job, get a place for me and my DDs... feel like I am going mad :( :(

OP posts:

blushingbooty · 04/05/2015 19:36

Sounds like a bad combination OP, a man who lies (and if expat is correct is a lazy arse whose son takes after him), you have an up down relationship anyway, add in the stress of a newborn plus sleep deprivation plus your emotions which will be all over the place after birth...bad bad combination.

Better to be home alone with DP visiting and any support you can get then the above!

sebsmummy1 · 04/05/2015 19:42

I think if you are wandering round the house with a screaming baby and one tit out it will be the son that will be looking for new lodgings, so I wouldn't worry too much

MissDuke · 04/05/2015 19:59

Op I think both of you are justified for holding the view that each of you has. However I think you are the unreasonable one, sorry. You are moving your 9 year old in with this man that neither of you have met - how does she feel about this? You intend to live there for a year just to get help with the tough first year, then move again. What an upheaval for your daughter! I don't think you are considering her at all in this, which is why I think yabu. However you are very pregnant and have only just had this news - so I completely understand why you are more concerned about yourself right now. Think about the impact on your daughter, and go from there.

PtolemysNeedle · 04/05/2015 20:06

I don't think you can have it both ways. Your DP obviously wants to be able to offer his son a home, and you have no right to try and prevent that or change the timing of it. If you feel uncomfortable with it, then you're probably better off staying where you are. If you don't want to do that, then you have to accept that you're moving with someone and having a child with someone who already has commitments, and you are not going to be the only priority, pregnancy or not.

I can't see how it's going to be good for your 11yo dd to have to move into someone else's home where her mother isn't even comfortable. It does sound like you want it all to be about you I'm afraid.

shewept · 04/05/2015 20:15

I have just seen the bit where you say you have started to plan to move in then move out after a year.

Sorry OP but you know that won't happen. You know deep down you shouldn't be moving in with him. There is so many things wrong with that plan, but do you really think you would actually leave?

justonemoretime2p · 04/05/2015 20:17

Why are you moving in in the first place if you are planning to leave in a year?

19lottie82 · 04/05/2015 20:19

Did you not say you loved your wee house and your OHs place was a dump? I don't really understand why you're moving in with him based on your last thread?

RandomMess · 04/05/2015 20:24

Why don't you stay put and let your dp come over and help????

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 04/05/2015 20:24

I do feel for you. I wouldn't like it. But when you say His mum lives around the corner and has two empty bedrooms so I don't see why he cannot stay with her like he normally does I think that's maybe precisely why it is time for him to stay with his dad - his mum has had him from age 6-18 (or elder?) and maybe she has things going on in her life where she thinks it's time for her? Or maybe the son thinks it's time he spent more time with his dad?

I don't know, but I wouldn't think much of your husband if he did say "er no son. I know I didn't live with you for at 12 years that you were growing up and I'm not going to live with you now either as I have a new family".

Hard situation. I don't think anyone is wrong as such.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2015 20:33

'Did you not say you loved your wee house and your OHs place was a dump? I don't really understand why you're moving in with him based on your last thread?'

IIRC, yes. And there was a dog, too. And the son was just like the dad: a disrespectful slob.

alleypalley · 04/05/2015 20:45

YANBU, for so many reasons. Don't move in with him, if only for the sake of your dd. I would not be moving my 10yr old dd in with a 24yr old man she doesn't know.

You can do the early weeks/months with your new born on your own. Plus you have the help of your dd1 now too.

GameOfGroans · 04/05/2015 20:52

YANBU. Please don't move in with him, sounds like a disaster waiting to happen :(

crustsaway · 05/05/2015 01:04

Im thinking you are quite a bit younger than him. He had a child/children before you and they also need to be recognised here. So many times a man moves on and starts a new family and forgets the children he had before. I think he is doing exactly the right thing. As for the person that said don't do it, if only for your DD's sake due to the mans son being 24 is a bit of an alarmist to say the least. This man is putting a roof over his own childs head for a while straight after uni and rightly so. I don't get why you and anyone else would think this is a bad thing?

crustsaway · 05/05/2015 01:07

Oh so the people that said this read your last thread? I didnt and based on what I have read on this one, he isnt the bad guy here.

whiteiris · 05/05/2015 01:33

Moving in sounds like a bad idea. Stay on your own space and get dp to come to help you there during the newborn phase.

DP moved in with me and my dd. His older children did not live with him before he moved in, and if he wanted them to live with him now he would probably need to move out because that just wouldn't work for me.

Rebelwithacause · 05/05/2015 01:46

Yes I remember you posting before. It sounds like an awful plan. Where does your daughter fit into all this?

I think aged 24 is old enough to be self-sufficient. If he wanted somewhere to stay occasionally during uni holidays that's different but to move in with his father and new family sounds like a bad idea.

Also as you have never lived with your dp and you suggest things are not great there, it is a disaster waiting to happen.

Coyoacan · 05/05/2015 04:35

I haven't read the last thread but I honestly don't like the sound of your DP.

Yes, his children will always be his children, but the timing is all wrong and your DP is totally dismissing your thoughts on the matter.

Is a 24-year-old man going to be dreadfully traumatised because he can't move in with his father and new partner and baby? It doesn't sound like he is going to be sleeping under bridges if he can't live with his father at that very moment.

But that apart, the care and attention your DP should be showing to a pregnant woman are not there.

Original poster

harryhadhoops · 05/05/2015 06:57

I tried to switch off from it all last night as was getting bad anxiety so will try to respond. Expat and others - you are right, as I said in my OP I have posted on here about it before. DP's other son is the smelly, lazy slob. In the end DP had a big row with him re DS's debtors coming to his home after him and DS then moved out and they no longer speak (FWIW this was months ago and I keep saying to DP that he should really try and sort things out to at least speaking terms with this son). So, it was all sorted that uni DS was going to Mum's

I think that's what some people are missing here - it was all arranged and then two weeks before I am supposed to move in DP says that DS is moving in and he makes out that he didn't understand our original agreement. That I guarantee is absolute bullshit. I know if I don't move in DP will end the relationship, again this is certain as he has clearly told me. I feel perhaps this was the plan and I have been duped into it and now put considerable emotional and financial investment into moving in. Which brings me to DD who is looking forward to moving in as will get a big bedroom - I don't want to let her down by now not going, and this feels like the hugest obstacle to staying put as others rightly say I don't want her being messed about.

Expat and others are also right in that DP is quite a lot older than me and lets say old fashioned in his views of how a household should run. TBH I don't have a real problem with this - when I got pg I was in a massively highly stressful full time job which I left because of pregnancy (I was very ill in early pregnancy). He has no problem with me being SAHM.

So right now I am left with him not speaking to me, and unless I go and sort things out with him I will hear nothing. I have just paid my mail to be re-directed, utilities all notified, change of addresses done, loads of packing and chucking stuff out done etc etc. I just don't know what to do next. Just suck it and see? Or just say no, we made an arrangement which you (DP) have changed, and I am no longer happy with it.

BTW I have perinatal mental health team involved already, plus my mw and hv know the situation over last few months and I start CBT next week for anxiety which I am crossing everything will help.

OP posts:

shewept · 05/05/2015 07:13

I think its perfectly clear what everyone thinks you should do....you should not move in.

But I suspect you will love in anyway.

It was a bad idea to change utilities 2 weeks before you move, or will you not use any gas or electric?

DinosaursRoar · 05/05/2015 07:18

Don't move in with him. You can't trust him. He has his way of doing things, and you have to fit in, not have a say.

Stay where you are, are you on mat leave now? Can you support yourself? Talk to your mental health team, can they prepare for you being alone, even though he might come round to help?

(That his exw tried to "control" him is interesting. I'd put good money on her version of events was "wanted an equal say".)

Breadrocks · 05/05/2015 07:31

I'm sorry but this feels like watching a car crash in slow motion. How many people have to tell you not to move in with this man? I can't bear to watch.
I know it sounds harsh but your poor dd. You are making such poor choices on behalf of you both (and your unborn dd) please just be the adult, deal with all the logistics (changing the address on bills and utilities are not a reason to move in with someone) and sort your life out on your own. I guarantee you will face more unhappiness with this man than alone. If you do this I predict many more threads in the coming months

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 05/05/2015 07:32

Oh God. This isn't even about the son. This man is bad news on every level.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/05/2015 07:41

Your daughter will get over the 'big bedroom'.

Anyone who would threaten to dump you for not moving in with him is an arsehole.

Anyone who thinks you should do all the housework is an arsehole.

You should not under any circumstances move in with him. Have the baby on your own. Which will be difficult but not impossible

hesterton · 05/05/2015 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FishWithABicycle · 05/05/2015 07:50

You would be an absolute idiot to move in with this man. No matter how stressful it is as sole adult with a new baby - being with this man will be worse.

Do not move in.

do you want to teach your 9yo daughter (a) women's needs are subservient to men's and we have to put up with all kinds of crap to keep a man in our lives because we can't cope without one, howsoever poor a specimen or (b) respect yourself and your rights, and don't take any crap from anyone.

If you move in with this man, you are choosing (a)

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