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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2nd date madness?

115 replies

perfectlyincapable · 04/05/2015 17:04

Not a stealth boast thread honest.

I have been online dating on and off for quite a few months, nearly every single date has ended very quickly (usually by me walking out).
I'm not desperate for a relationship but I do miss having the companionship, I'm still friendly with my DCS dad and we Co habitat so that makes dating harder hence why I believe I haven't had a lot of luck.

Anyway fast forward and I was invited out on a date by a seemingly nice guy who I had been chatting to for a little while.
Now this guy has blown me away, he met me with flowers, held the doors open, insisted on paying and walked me home and gave me a kiss before leaving basically the whole old school gent shabang.

I am really impressed and he really seems to like me, he has been in contact frequently by text and phone, he suggested our 2nd date and has booked tickets for Alton towers with hotel (separate beds if needed as he knows I won't DTD for a while yet) leaving tomorrow.

Now we had discussed our ideas of fun as we went to the funfair and I mentioned I love theme parks, we also work very similar hours so he knows we both aren't working, my exH is also fine with the DCS.

But I just can't shake this worry of its too good to be true.
I have had some terrible relationships and even my good ones have never been as thoughtful as this guy.
I'm terrified but I don't know why, my friend has joked he is probably a psycho trying to reel me in as these things never happen in real life.

AIBU? I mean if it was all just a ploy surely he wouldn't have spent a fair amount of money on a date right (I was sent the booking confirmation for my own piece of mind).

Tell me I'm just being stupid and this is a good crazy, I obviously don't think I'm going to be kidnapped or murdered but I am worried about red flags and him turning out to be a nutcase.

OP posts:
RudeBarbandCustard · 04/05/2015 18:15

Don't stay in a hotel with him OP.

Friend of mine was going to do this on a FIRST date with someone off the internet. I pleaded with her not to go, but she said he'd only booked the hotel because it was too far away from his home, and she was welcome to stay and 'he would sleep on the sofa'. Creepy. As. Hell.

In the end, she went on the date, put her bags in the hotel room and changed into dinner clothes, but decided halfway through the night that she wanted to leave, so then she was stuck in the awkward situation of having to ask him to let her back in to the room to get her stuff. Entirely her own stupid fault, and she's bloody lucky he didn't turn out to be a psycho.

Go to Alton Towers with him, but either insist on driving home, or insist on booking your own room. You don't know this guy, please don't put yourself in a vulnerable position with him.

And even if he doesn't turn out to be a weirdo, do you really want to share a bathroom with the guy, hearing him having his morning crap, letting him hear you have yours, hearing him snore... all this stuff is stuff you reveal once you're ready to be intimate with someone.

THis has red flags all over it.

paxtecum · 04/05/2015 18:18

What if he pounces when you are asleep?

Love, he really is expecting you to DTD otherwise it would be separate rooms.

Rapists and madmen don't usually have a warning tattoo on their foreheads.

I know some women are happy to have ONS with strangers and take their chance on the men having integrity but you really are putting yourself in a vulnerable situation.

Silverdaisy · 04/05/2015 18:20

What if the twin room turns out to be a double bed instead?

breezydays · 04/05/2015 18:20

Another one here who is going to say do not go. You don't know him and could find out you really don't want to spend time with him even before you have got there. As far as staying over, absolutely not. You really need to know someone much better before committing to sharing a room.

Nice lunch and a walk as a pp suggested would be great or dinner out. Any one of the many ordinary second date things which don't leave you without an easy get out.

Blistory · 04/05/2015 18:21

This is what old school romance does. It blinds you with gestures and shows you nothing about the man behind them.

You talk about flowers, doors being held open, walking you home, picking up the tab. That means nothing other than that is how he has learnt to behave on a first date.

What about a connection, shared interests, humour, attraction, his relationships with others ? You mention none of that and what you do mention is that he's now made an even bigger gesture but one that he doesn't appreciate leaves you vulnerable. He may know that he's a good guy but he's being unfair in expecting you to take him at his word.

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 04/05/2015 18:22

Thank you for all of your advice, I have spoken to him and told him I am not comfortable with the overnight stay so will be driving home and he is completely understanding and apologised because he didn't look at it in that way. So looks like we are all set.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 04/05/2015 18:22

So Alton Towers is miles from where you live? How far? 150 miles?
So you drive there, spend the day in the park, then drive back, exhausted and in pain with your bad back?

himagain · 04/05/2015 18:22

if anything bad happens in court his defence will make it very clear that you happily agreed to share a room with him, personally i wouldnt book a room to share with a woman unless we were very old friends or we had made love together before

molyholy · 04/05/2015 18:23

If you think someone/something sounds too good to be true, it usually is.

paxtecum · 04/05/2015 18:23

Good, I'm glad you're not staying the night there.

googoodolly · 04/05/2015 18:24

Don't do it. This man is essentially a stranger! It really unnerves me that he's booked this without telling you and has also booked a room for you to share, even though you've only met him once.

By all means go to Alton Towers, but come back on the same day and do NOT share a room with this man. You barely know him and I think you'll find yourself in a very uncomfortable position if when he decides to have sex with you and you don't want to.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/05/2015 18:24

You're going to be miles away from home. Where no-one knows you. Where no-one is expecting you home until the next day. With a complete stranger. Even if you were in separate rooms, imagine what hell it will be to feel obligated to drive him back the next day if the whole episode has been an unmitigated disaster.

What's wrong with a coffee somewhere local ? Or a drink and then a meal going Dutch?

I think you're crazy to be contemplating this even if you book your own room.

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 04/05/2015 18:26

Blistory I didn't find it relevant to the post otherwise I'd have been typing all day but yes we have a lot of shared interests, he is very open with telling me about himself (good and bad). We spoke for hours and I think we connected well, we have a similar sense of humour and he is gorgeous.

OP posts:
MissingYouSoMuch · 04/05/2015 18:26

Anyfucker has made a very valid point. I get that you have been bowled over by someone who is appearing keen and treating you well especially after a string of losers. But this could be his 'way' of hooking you and reeling you in. He may well turn out to be lovely but until you know for sure leave the overnighters until you have been with him a while if that is the case. I had a horrible experience with someone like this. The first few dates were all flowers, nice meals and thoughtful gifts. I confused that with him being genuine. His true colours started to show when he thought he had me.

RudeBarbandCustard · 04/05/2015 18:27

Well done OP

Nothing wrong with Alton Towers as a second date, I think that's a fab idea as you get lots of time to chat while you're queuing (the queues are terrible!) and it's great fun.

If he really wants to flash his cash, get him to buy you those fast track tickets where you can jump the queues Wink

Good luck

Blistory · 04/05/2015 18:27

Off topic, but even if she agrees to share a room with him, it doesn't mean that he's entitled to anything more. It's not a defence but simply a victim shaming tactic and rape myth.

OP, glad you've got a compromise.

Bearbehind · 04/05/2015 18:30

The reality is this guy could get an awful lot more for a lot less if he chose to.

There are women who put out after being bought a pint in a nightclub all over the country so if that was his sole intention I doubt he'd be persuing the OP.

There are nice people in the world.

He might turn out to be a tosser but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

formerbabe · 04/05/2015 18:32

There are women who put out after being bought a pint in a nightclub

Hmm
Blistory · 04/05/2015 18:33

Bear, there are so many things wrong with that post, I won't even begin to point them out.

SaucyJack · 04/05/2015 18:33

Don't really agree with the gist of the comments on here.

If a bloke is an arsehole, then he's going to be an arsehole whether you shag him on the first date or wait six months.

There's no magic number of dates that guarantees someone will be a gentleman in the boudoir.

Bearbehind · 04/05/2015 18:35

Whether you like it or not formerbabe it's true.

There are women who are completely at ease with casual sex, which is entirely their prerogative, so if that's all this guy was after then he could find it quite easily.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/05/2015 18:36

good decision OP, we'd all have been sat here waiting for you to check in and say "all's well" on your return!

Take your time to get to know him. See how much you have in common. What makes him laugh? What's his relationship history like?

Be wary - if he is so charming, so thoughtful, considerate - how come he is single? How come he does not have women he meets in RL all falling for him? maybe he has been in a LTR, maybe he has been hurt? Or maybe he has scared them all off by getting heavy on the second date!

Just be careful.

formerbabe · 04/05/2015 18:37

There are women who are completely at ease with casual sex, which is entirely their prerogative, so if that's all this guy was after then he could find it quite easily

Nothing wrong with a one night stand if someone wants that but your post stated they were doing it in return for being bought a drink....

MissingYouSoMuch · 04/05/2015 18:38

Saucyjack
I think you have pretty much misunderstood the 'gist' of the comments on here based on your post.

Bearbehind · 04/05/2015 18:38

I meant that they'd known the bloke in question the length of time it takes to have a drink.

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