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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2nd date madness?

115 replies

perfectlyincapable · 04/05/2015 17:04

Not a stealth boast thread honest.

I have been online dating on and off for quite a few months, nearly every single date has ended very quickly (usually by me walking out).
I'm not desperate for a relationship but I do miss having the companionship, I'm still friendly with my DCS dad and we Co habitat so that makes dating harder hence why I believe I haven't had a lot of luck.

Anyway fast forward and I was invited out on a date by a seemingly nice guy who I had been chatting to for a little while.
Now this guy has blown me away, he met me with flowers, held the doors open, insisted on paying and walked me home and gave me a kiss before leaving basically the whole old school gent shabang.

I am really impressed and he really seems to like me, he has been in contact frequently by text and phone, he suggested our 2nd date and has booked tickets for Alton towers with hotel (separate beds if needed as he knows I won't DTD for a while yet) leaving tomorrow.

Now we had discussed our ideas of fun as we went to the funfair and I mentioned I love theme parks, we also work very similar hours so he knows we both aren't working, my exH is also fine with the DCS.

But I just can't shake this worry of its too good to be true.
I have had some terrible relationships and even my good ones have never been as thoughtful as this guy.
I'm terrified but I don't know why, my friend has joked he is probably a psycho trying to reel me in as these things never happen in real life.

AIBU? I mean if it was all just a ploy surely he wouldn't have spent a fair amount of money on a date right (I was sent the booking confirmation for my own piece of mind).

Tell me I'm just being stupid and this is a good crazy, I obviously don't think I'm going to be kidnapped or murdered but I am worried about red flags and him turning out to be a nutcase.

OP posts:
Blistory · 04/05/2015 17:40

Same room ? Not a chance in hell that I'd be going.

It doesn't sound old school romantic, it sounds old school controlling.

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 04/05/2015 17:42

Blistory this is one thing I worry about.

OP posts:
Thymeout · 04/05/2015 17:42

Could you offer to pay for your own single room? I wouldn't want to share a room on a second date and I think the financial inequality - him paying for everything - would worry me. I'd feel a sense of obligation if I were that much in his debt.

Otherwise, go ahead. It's such early days and it'd be a pity to miss out on the chance of an LTR, just because he was being nice!

lapomme · 04/05/2015 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg · 04/05/2015 17:43

I agree. It's weird. A theme park for a second date is weird. A hotel room in the theme park is weird.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/05/2015 17:45

Just book a separate room...

ahbollocks · 04/05/2015 17:45

I would want a separate room too.
Does he have the kind of job that means he would be pretty affluent?
If not I would be a bit hmmmm but I dated a few well off guys and they never thought anything of dropping a few hundred on a day out.
Go enjoy yourself :)

loveareadingthanks · 04/05/2015 17:46

Why DO you have to walk out of most 1st dates? We've all had a few that we want to end fairly quickly, but not to the extent of walking out. It would be helpful to know as it gives an insight into how you view men and their behaviour. Or what sort of men you usually date.

lapomme · 04/05/2015 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 04/05/2015 17:51

I think he's just chancing his luck by trying to get you both staying over somewhere together and hoping one thing will lead to another.

I don't find this offensive or controlling meself, but then I have the morals of an alley-cat.

Don't go if you don't like the thought.

Blistory · 04/05/2015 17:51

You can go home if you want ?

Sorry, but sounds like he's laying the groundwork. You'll probably feel guilty at him losing the money so will acquiesce. He knows that.

At best presumptuous and at worst, someone who has boundary issues. Doesn't fit with the "old school romance".

Sorry if I'm cynical but what's his rush ?

MissingYouSoMuch · 04/05/2015 17:51

Absolutely no way if it is a twin room. I may seem over cautious but I think you are quite mad to even be considering this. You know nothing about this man. He has obviously hooked you already given your first post. I would urge you to re-consider this.

Sazzle41 · 04/05/2015 17:53

He's booked the hotel precisely because he expects you to DTD. It's way to soon for weekends away, he is hoping the 'romance' aspect of it all so far will seal the deal. I so wouldnt. You dont NEED to have a night away for a 2nd date.

Blistory · 04/05/2015 17:54

Actually, this is weird on too many levels.

Who on earth books a shared hotel room for a second date when you haven't been intimate and haven't indicated that it's on the cards ?

Considerate would have been a) asking and b) booking two rooms.

Babymamamama · 04/05/2015 17:55

What's wrong with dinner or a movie for a second date? I'm bit old fashioned but just because something is offered doesn't mean you have to accept. When I was dating I used that book The Rules. The Rules would never have advocated such a complicated second date. Are you going to share a room over night with someone you barely know? Maybe keep this option onhold for a few months down the line?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 04/05/2015 17:57

Do not share a room with a guy you don't know at all.

He could be the sweetest, kindest, funniest guy on earth, but no way should you put yourself in such a vulnerable situation.

Go to the theme park, have a great time, go home. If it's not a good date, the awkwardness of being stuck in a hotel (in a separate room) isn't great.

Can't you just have lunch and a walk somewhere instead. Keep it low-key?

Original poster
perfectlyincapable · 04/05/2015 17:58

I'm driving, he has stated that he booked the hotel for convenience but it's upto me if I want to go home it's not a problem.
He appears to have a very well paid job and I don't get the feeling he is doing it so I would owe him, I am contributing in terms of fuel and I will also be paying for food etc as I wouldn't want him paying for everything.

I have walked out of dates previously because I have had some disasters.
The first one the guys photo was at least 10 years out of date.
The second I walked in said Hi and was greeted by being looked up and down with a "your a bit of alright ain't ya", I turned straight around and out.
The third got creepy, it was going well but the subject quickly turned onto sex and how to make the first move, even when I stated I wasn't looking for that but actually getting to know someone first, he kept bringing it up.

OP posts:
MissingYouSoMuch · 04/05/2015 18:01

OP what would you say to a friend who told you they were going on an overnight second date, quite a way from home, with a man they barely knew, who they met on the internet and they were sharing a room?

VeryVeryDarkGrey · 04/05/2015 18:02

Im going on a second date next weekend, we're going out for dinner. There is no way in hell i would go away with someone even in separate rooms, hes expecting some sort of payout from you after his generosity

MissingYouSoMuch · 04/05/2015 18:06

Using a few words like 'appears to', 'apparently' and 'seemingly' to describe a man who you may be sharing a room with should tell you everything you need to know.

I'm sorry for my over cautious posts but I am a bit Shock that anyone would consider doing this.

Blistory · 04/05/2015 18:07

Well paid job = two rooms.

Considerate = asking first.

What happens if you don't get on ? Are you going to drive him back ?

It's a hell of a long day ( and night ) to spend with someone you barely know. I have no problem with rushing into things but on neutral ground with an easy option to get away if need be. He's not really left you with a genuine out.

Rebelwithacause · 04/05/2015 18:09

It's not a second 'date' is it? It's going away for the night with a bloke you've just met.

I wouldn't call it too good to be true. I would be completely put off. He is either really showy or he is after a shag.

And you are very naive to say, he knows I don't want to dtd so early. How are you going to get out of that if you are spending the night together and he is expecting more? You don't know him and can't trust him. You must be mad.

misssmilla1 · 04/05/2015 18:10

The date idea sounds great, the staying over in the same room, not so much. I would say that if you're asking on here, it's a red flag for you as you're not comfortable with it.

If I had no intention of sleeping with someone, I wouldn't accept sharing a twin room with them. What happens if he tries it on in the night and you're not interested? How do you navigate stuff like sharing a bathroom (do you really want to pee in earshot of someone you've just met? Could be me being a prude...) What would you do on the evening that you're there?

AnyFucker · 04/05/2015 18:11

I find it a bit odd that you quickly vetoed the other weirdoes but this one is under your weirdo radar

what about a bloke moving far too fast, far too soon seems like an attractive prospect for you ? Confused

ChantenayCarrot · 04/05/2015 18:12

I've done some fairly crazy things in the past when dating but your situation would be a definite no.

Forgive me if you've covered this, I couldn't see a direct response but how on earth does he expect you to get home if you dont want to stay and he does? Does he mean he'll drive you home? What happens if he refuses/has had a drink and it's too late to get a train or book another room on your own?

My point is that neither of you know each other and whilst it could be a fun day, it could quite easily go wrong. I've had second dates with men who had appeared to be great and then during conversation, after they've relaxed a bit more, they've made ignorant/racist/homophobic comments (I've got a few examples but won't expand unless asked as it's quite long)

I think its incredibly controlling of him and v presumptuous, I'd find it all quite rude.