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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely undervalued/insulted by a massive disparity in gifts

120 replies

jfh · 01/05/2015 22:04

I'm the main breadwinner in our house. I'm lucky to earn a decent wage, but very little of it is disposable after all the usual stuff and then some - bills, pension, life insurance, groceries, cars, food, kids clubs, and not to mention school fees. To be honest, I'm hardly left with anything at all to spend on myself.

My OH has a independent source of income, nowhere near as big as mine. We agreed early on in our relationship that I would cover all of the 'mandatory' stuff, leaving them to earn whatever they liked and spend it however they liked.

My OH is very generous with our children, and spends an awful lot on them. Far more than I am able. My OH also spends a lot on themselves...shoes, bags etc....not cheap stuff either (we're talking more than one Mulberry here).

I recently bought my OH an Apple Watch for a combined birthday and anniversary present. They we're delighted with it and I was happy that they were happy. They also decided they wanted to buy a very nice extra strap for themselves...way out of my price range, and not far off the cost of the watch itself. But, hey, it's their money.

I got nothing in return until three weeks later when I had to fairly bluntly remind them that I was still waiting for my anniversary gift. I was presented with two cook books. To be fair, they were hardback and all that, £40 in total.... I don't have much time to cook when I get home from work (the only person who makes me meals is the au pair!), so I doubt I'll be getting much use out of them. Certainly much less use than my OH will get out of the £1000 food processor they've bought for their use only.

AIBU to be grossly insulted? I'm not a materialistic person, but this feels like a total slap in the face. It's not even the price of a tank of petrol (BTW which I also pay for!!).

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/05/2015 22:08

I can't get my head around your set up. Why on earth are you covering all the mandatory stuff? Why don't you just pool income and each have the same amount?

I think I'd be hurt to be forgotten, but not hurt about price discrepancies in gifts (unless there's more going in). I don't think it is materialistic at all to feel sad you had to remind your partner of an anniversary when you'd remembered.

redexpat · 01/05/2015 22:08

Is it the thoughtlrssness of it - late, not a gift you will get to use much if at all - or the price? If oh had given you £40 of stuff you really wanted would that have been better?

RandomMess · 01/05/2015 22:13

Perhaps it's time to renegotiate how money is organised:

You should have equal spends
They should be appreciative of you an your role

Pico2 · 01/05/2015 22:15

You don't seem to be in a partnership at all. It is time to renegotiate. However, I am shocked that your OH hasn't noticed the disparity at all and resolved it by now. You shouldn't have to point this out.

shewept · 01/05/2015 22:16

Firstly, I don't see what the family finances have to do with it. As you agreed to pay for all the household stuff. Why you would do that, I don't know, but you did agree. So if you are not happy with that, you need to speak to your oh and change it.

Yanbu about the gift. It's not nice to be forgotten. Do you feel the cook books were a panic buy rather than, a thoughtful gift.

Janethegirl · 01/05/2015 22:16

I just can't understand your set up at all.
If it isn't working for you, discuss it and move on ( or ltb Grin)

Notyouagaintoday · 01/05/2015 22:17

Is this bs? A stealth boast, school fees, au pair, Mulberry blah blah ??
Why are you paying mandatory stuff, are they his dc?

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 22:19

Another 'they' thread. Look, it doesn't matter what your genders are, 'they' is a plural.

And this person is taking you for a ride in a lot of ways and you need to re-negotiate a more even and fair split of bills.

SavoyCabbage · 01/05/2015 22:21

I think it's important that you gave some money to spend on whatever you want as there is money available in the family.

You need to have a talk about money. Where it's going and how much is coming in and out.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/05/2015 22:21

Is it normal for you as a couple to buy each other extravagent anniversary gifts? Did they maybe think the watch was mostly for their birthday?

Notyouagaintoday · 01/05/2015 22:22

Pardon me expat, are you having a dig at me?

VelvetRose · 01/05/2015 22:22

Agree with others, I don't understand your commitment to pay for mandatory stuff while they spend their income on treats only?

Hellolemonade · 01/05/2015 22:22

Why are we playing the pronouns game?

Original poster
jfh · 01/05/2015 22:23

Shewept, the family finances bit is relevant because I end up with bugger all disposable income. In comparison, my OH is free to spend whatever they earn on whatever they want.

Notyouagaintoday, this is not a stealth boast. Affluence is no bar to being upset about something!

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 01/05/2015 22:24

There's a lot of money just floating around for no reason.

With you paying for everything are you even able to put away for your old age?

It sounds like just such a shed load being wasted

VelvetRose · 01/05/2015 22:27

But why do you have this arrangement which seems very unfair? My DW (we're both women) earns a lot more than me but we both pay towards bills etc and have money for extras.

Viviennemary · 01/05/2015 22:28

Tell your partner that they must start contributing towards household expenses or they'll be out the door. Don't stand for this unfair set up.

pieceofpurplesky · 01/05/2015 22:30

Why does your oh not contribute to anything?

ProcessYellowC · 01/05/2015 22:30

Yep, time to renegotiate on that deal from early on the relationship - DH and I have similarly unbalanced incomes but circumstances have changed several times in our relationship, so each time we rebalance who covers most of the costs.

Gifts though - it does sound crap, but YABU! Sounds like you knew it wouldn't be reciprocated... why can't you just openly say look lets not bother with gifts for each other - sounds like you have enough cash to buy yourself something.

WipsGlitter · 01/05/2015 22:31

Is this a lesbian relationship?

Notyouagaintoday · 01/05/2015 22:31

But you are not affluent, in your words you have bugger all.
In a position where all my finances were spent I would have to let something go, au pair, private schooling, pretty much like many many people do.

abigamarone · 01/05/2015 22:32

Your OH has a £1000 food processor that only they are allowed to use? Not much of a partnership there really, is it.

If the way bills are set up means you're left with virtually nothing left over and they're rolling in it, this needs addressing.

CrispyFern · 01/05/2015 22:34

Hmm, I don't know actually.

You can spend a lot on a thoughtless gift, you can make something for pennies with a lot of love, you can create a day out for free as a gift with more care than actually shopping for an item.

I spent probably four times as much on DH as he did on me this Christmas and last Christmas, but I'm not bothered. The value of a gift isn't necessarily related to the money spent on it.

Maybe your genderless OH thinks like I do?
I think asking for proof of love with expensive gifts, or trying to prove love by giving presents, it is not healthy tbh.

If you feel that you aren't being valued in this relationship, have a conversation about it. If things aren't working in your set up for you, talk about them. Personally, I wouldn't want to live together where one person had loads of cash to spare and the other had hardly any left each month. That's not a partnership to me.

AlternativeTentacles · 01/05/2015 22:35

If you have hardly any money left then why spend so much on an apple watch. Also, a £1000 food processor will surely benefit the whole family, no? Unless they just make food for themselves.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 22:35

I hate the 'they' threads. Assuming everyone on here is either sexist or homophobic in my eyes, but regardless...

Same time off and same 'pocket money' here so everyone has the same fun money. Why anyone would agree to meet the all the mandatory expenses of being a human, leaving the other person to to piss money up the wall is beyond me. Why did you agree to that?