To feel completely undervalued/insulted by a massive disparity in gifts

[jfh]

I'm the main breadwinner in our house. I'm lucky to earn a decent wage, but very little of it is disposable after all the usual stuff and then some - bills, pension, life insurance, groceries, cars, food, kids clubs, and not to mention school fees. To be honest, I'm hardly left with anything at all to spend on myself.

My OH has a independent source of income, nowhere near as big as mine. We agreed early on in our relationship that I would cover all of the 'mandatory' stuff, leaving them to earn whatever they liked and spend it however they liked.

My OH is very generous with our children, and spends an awful lot on them. Far more than I am able. My OH also spends a lot on themselves...shoes, bags etc....not cheap stuff either (we're talking more than one Mulberry here).

I recently bought my OH an Apple Watch for a combined birthday and anniversary present. They we're delighted with it and I was happy that they were happy. They also decided they wanted to buy a very nice extra strap for themselves...way out of my price range, and not far off the cost of the watch itself. But, hey, it's their money.

I got nothing in return until three weeks later when I had to fairly bluntly remind them that I was still waiting for my anniversary gift. I was presented with two cook books. To be fair, they were hardback and all that, £40 in total.... I don't have much time to cook when I get home from work (the only person who makes me meals is the au pair!), so I doubt I'll be getting much use out of them. Certainly much less use than my OH will get out of the £1000 food processor they've bought for their use only.

AIBU to be grossly insulted? I'm not a materialistic person, but this feels like a total slap in the face. It's not even the price of a tank of petrol (BTW which I also pay for!!).

It's not sustainable. You feel resentful and she is taking the piss. She is not unable to grasp the concept of a budget. She doesn't want to because this system massively favours her.

Are you two in love? Does she care about your happiness? Because if she doesn't, there isn't a marriage. If she does, you need to tell her how unhappy you are with this and ask her about her solutions to this.

Yes, the price of the gifts is very disparate. Does this happen often?
I would set a ceiling on gift prices. IMO (which you might not agree with ,of course) £600 is too much to spend on a gift. You can buy lots of lovely things for far less than that.
I know you're not supposed to give in order to receive, but I think the money spent on each other should be roughly the same.

oh dear, that sounds like it's a really big problem. Has your wife behaved like this for a long time? Can you stop spending 'your' money on some of the discretionary things? I'd certainly stop buying your OH expensive presents.

If your sexes were reversed I bet their would be plenty of mumsnetters to tell you that your OH is financially abusing you and that they are a 'cocklodger'

You seem to imagining things, Trolls. Four pages of posters pointing out the unfairness of the situation, it's not gender skewed (although, tbh, I suspect that was the intention of the obfuscation in the first place).

OP says, in his original post, that this arrangement was agreed upon early on in the relationship. It's obviously time for another discussion about who pays what and what is fair regarding personal 'spending' money. It's a fairly normal discussion for most couples, isn't it? If no compromise can be reached then I'd be reassessing the relationship.

IrmaGuard. That's a rude post. You didn't read my posts properly. Obviously everyone agrees that the OH is being unreasonable and clearly you would get the same response regardless of the sex of the OP. The point I made was that had the OP been female the responses would have been much angrier and posters would be falling over themselves to be outraged with the nasty controlling male OH. The tone of the replies is more moderate only because the OP is a man.

I also don't think you have read the OPs posts properly - he clearly states in his last post that he HAS been through everything with his wife several times and that she knows what he thinks. Unfortuanately she doesn't care. . The OP pays for everything and doesn't get any spends, the woman pays for very little and gets to spend 'her' money for herself to fritter. The wife is aware that the OP is unhappy because he has discussed it with her but SHE doesn't do anything about it. It sounds like classic 'cocklodging' to me.

The OH gets to buy herself Mulberry handbags whilst the OP gets to pay the bills.

"The point I made was that had the OP been female the responses would be much angrier..."

That's a fact, is it? Because everyone who posts on MN (bar you, of course) has exactly the same ball busting anti male agenda, right? And you are disappointed that "the tone of the replies is more moderate"? If everyone has agreed that the op's spouse is being extremely unreasonable and selfish why would the level of outrage possibly matter to you?

sorry op the use of word "they" each time you described your partner had me thinking there are three of you in the relationship?? just confusing. as for the financial bit, this situation sounds like an eye opener and it may suggest a good time to discuss the allocation of funds. I've heard of some couples breaking it down by %, so that each person pays a fair amount of the regular bills.

It's fair that the breadwinner wage pays all the necessities, but any extra money earnt that is disposable should be split between the whole family.

With us, dp probably spends more on hobbies than me, but it is agreed to. We both have access to "fun" money. His hobbies include golf, mine is things like bushwalking (free). I spend a bit more on clothes though. The important thing is we both feel it is fair, if money is short we both cut back.

It's unfair of her to see all her money as fun money and not consider that you should also get some. And if she starts to earn significant amounts, then does she plan to blow it all? Surely paying off a mortgage, saving for retirement or something could be done with the extra money?

(If people don't like they as single unknown gender pronoun, would people be happier with ze, or no pronouns at all. Some people don't like to give out sex/gender just because it may not be relevant).

From what OP has said, the partner works (not sure how many hours) and does all/most cooking for the kids each day. Partner also brings in a wage and has a small private income from somewhere else. A lot of this is spent on the kids (I would see that as a joint cost if money were pooled). OP says OP has almost no money for OP's personal spending, but does have enough cash for expensive gifts, so presumably there is some spare money for fun if wanted.oP also sounds a bit disgruntled at not getting dinner cooked, but sees a food processor as a private indulgence for the partner, although the partner cooks for the kids.

Why don't you talk to your partner? Re-evaluate the family finances, and take into account the amount of spare time each of you has. You could also discuss whether you both want to give gifts. DH and I don't bother as we've been together so long it seems a bit pointless. Anyway, it does sound slightly unbalanced, although not quite as bad as you feel it is. If you are with a reasonable person then a decent conversation should work this out.

Designer handbags, £1000 blenders....was she a very indulged "princess" child? Because she sounds like she doesn't consider her future etc or anything practical.

If you were to divorce her for example.

She sounds like she expect to always rely on a man. I hope your daughters don't pick up on this, it's a damaging attitude IMO.

So she's a spendthrift when it comes to herself and the children but she chooses to exercise budgetary restraint when it comes to you?

I think she might be punishing you for taking her to task over her spending habits, tbh. Either that or she really doesn't care very much for you.

So YANBU to feel pissed off at the disparity - but if I were you I'd be trying to find out what's at the bottom of it. I guarantee there is more to this.

I can't understand families where money isn't pooled. Either link accounts or have one joint account surely.

The preoccupation with values of gifts does sound rather immature however. I would think my DH had lost the plot if he was upset about the value of a gift. Equally anything he got me would be happily accepted. If either of us want anything out of the ordinary (beyond chocs, champagne or toffee) we talk about it and it is bought (I am talking jewellery or electronics, not yachts).

Surely as a family with some disposable money you shouldn't be looking to spend it all but should be saving as much as you can. You and your DW could be putting spare money into an ISA or share account and making it work for you. I can't understand the obsession with buying more "stuff", it strikes me as so wasteful. When you spend money on a handbag/whatever you lose not only that money but what it would have earned you over the next 30 years.

The thing is, gender or sex never is relevant, but the minute people are deliberately coy about mentioning it and revert to 'they'' or 'xe' or 'ze' or whatever, everyone immediately goes on high alert and either assumes that the OP is setting some kind of trap, or that we are assumed to be homophobic or not grown up enough to deal with same sex relationships. Unless we are talking about people who literally are intersex or who identify as cross gender and that fact is relevant to the thread, I think it's better/easier to just stick to a he/she for simplicity's sake.

I would argue that her income is not that small if she's buying multiple Mulberry handbags and a £1000 kitchen gadget for herself as well as lots of stuff for the children.

I think she might be punishing you for taking her to task over her spending habits, tbh. Either that or she really doesn't care very much for you.

Thumbwitch has it in a nutshell.

It does sound massively unfair, against the OP. I think it's telling that he has said many times he's unhappy with this arrangement, and it seems the OH is being willfully stupid? Dismissive?

It doesn't really matter that you're the main breadwinner does it, if you have no fun money for yourself?!

Not to be harsh... But I will be , in some ways you're enabling her to treat you badly! What started out as an ok arrangement - she was intending to be SAHP, is now no longer valid, as she is now working and should be contributing financially and not just vicariously indulging your kids /herself with luxury items/pastimes!

Sorry.to say it, the comment that stood out for me was your wish that she would be as generous and thoughtful to you, as she is to herself... And that speaks volumes...

I think you need to be more forceful for your need of a 'talk'... Perhaps with an outside professional? My guess is that this situation is not just about gift disparity.

If she has had unlimited funds then sticking to a budget is going to be very hard. Have you laid all the outgoings out on paper?

Say your not happy with your financial arrangement.
Make a joint account for household bills if you're still wanting your own money and pay proportionally into it.

And perhaps stress the emptiness of materialism?

The reason I don't think it relevant is because you agreed to it. It's very unfair and needs to be changed. But I don't think the gift giving issue is actually about money being split unequally.

You say it's not about money and would be happy with a cheap thoughtful gift. So even if finances were fairer, it's not likely to produce a more thoughtful gift.

I think you generally feel under appreciated and under valued and it sounds like you are. That's not ok. But it can only be dealt with by tackling the issue with you oh.

The issue isn't the presents.

Thank God all our money is pooled is all I can say. (And we have a similar set up of me being freelance). If go some reason you can't pool money can you at least make some of the bills her respindibility. School shoes? Holidays? School uniform? While you pay school fees & Gas bills etc

Although tbh a) it would be easier to pool & b) if you're buying her expensive watches in request she's not going to have the sense that you are financially struggling (DH would laugh at me & say 'yeah right' if I asked for something that expensive as a gift).

How many months did you have to save to get the money together to buy the watch?

Am I the only one intrigued to know how the OH can enforce the food mixer being for her sole use? Is it locked up? What would actually happen if OP used it?

Derailing, sorry. Another who can't understand not pooling resources. And we set an equal budget max for gift occasions. We don't earn equally.

You seem to have two problems: your dp/dw ( not clear if you are married) spends money in a way you do not agree with. This is a big deal. You find her spending extravagent and selfish, at least as regards you.
You also seem to have an odd financial arrangement which leaves you paying all the bills while she shops for luxury items (bags, toys, nonessential clothes).
What are your financial goals as a family? Have you told her that you are unhappy about her shopping and her thoughtless gift? If she had spent only £40 but on something you loved, would that be okay?
Alot more communication needs to happen.

YANBU regarding her thoughtlessness. The worrying thing is not the value of the gift but the lack of love and thought that has gone into it.
You do need to reorder the finances and at the very least you need to have a separate account just for you and a household account into which she pays the same proportion of her income as you do yours. So if you have £4000 a month £3000 goes into household and if she has £1600 a month then £1200 goes in.
If you want to treat one another then you can and if you need to draw on the joint account you can discuss it but it's not fair as it stands.

I think pooling your finances would be a mistake given her spending. That needs to be addressed.