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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely undervalued/insulted by a massive disparity in gifts

120 replies

jfh · 01/05/2015 22:04

I'm the main breadwinner in our house. I'm lucky to earn a decent wage, but very little of it is disposable after all the usual stuff and then some - bills, pension, life insurance, groceries, cars, food, kids clubs, and not to mention school fees. To be honest, I'm hardly left with anything at all to spend on myself.

My OH has a independent source of income, nowhere near as big as mine. We agreed early on in our relationship that I would cover all of the 'mandatory' stuff, leaving them to earn whatever they liked and spend it however they liked.

My OH is very generous with our children, and spends an awful lot on them. Far more than I am able. My OH also spends a lot on themselves...shoes, bags etc....not cheap stuff either (we're talking more than one Mulberry here).

I recently bought my OH an Apple Watch for a combined birthday and anniversary present. They we're delighted with it and I was happy that they were happy. They also decided they wanted to buy a very nice extra strap for themselves...way out of my price range, and not far off the cost of the watch itself. But, hey, it's their money.

I got nothing in return until three weeks later when I had to fairly bluntly remind them that I was still waiting for my anniversary gift. I was presented with two cook books. To be fair, they were hardback and all that, £40 in total.... I don't have much time to cook when I get home from work (the only person who makes me meals is the au pair!), so I doubt I'll be getting much use out of them. Certainly much less use than my OH will get out of the £1000 food processor they've bought for their use only.

AIBU to be grossly insulted? I'm not a materialistic person, but this feels like a total slap in the face. It's not even the price of a tank of petrol (BTW which I also pay for!!).

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 01/05/2015 23:08
FarFromAnyRoad · 01/05/2015 23:08

Wtf with the € signs Blush

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 23:09

Language changes through usage. Unfortunately, as I'm a pedant.

Literally will soon mean 'very' and 'they' will soon be singular. Xe is the gender neutral 'they' for the cool kids. Just saying.

CactusAnnie · 01/05/2015 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrmaGuard · 01/05/2015 23:10

Hmm, is there such a term as 'cuntlodger'?

Original poster
jfh · 01/05/2015 23:10

I was wondering when someone would notice that! Smile.

OH is my wife, and I am her husband. There's probably a dad's forum somewhere, but I don't need advice on beer/chips.

OP posts:
Cockadoodledooo · 01/05/2015 23:11

I couldn't be in a relationship when there's such a disparity in yours/mine, you pay for this and I'll pay for that. All that comes in is ours, and we as a family spend it.

So I have difficulty with threads like this, but yes, it does sound unfair op. What happens when you tell them you feel it's unfair?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 23:13

Thank fuck for that. Now I know you are a man, I shall proceed to cut you down to size and give completely different advice. Shit, hold on, I actually think the exact same. Sort your finances out so everyone has equal fun money. It's grossly unfair otherwise.

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 23:13

Xe is the gender neutral 'they' for the cool kids. Just saying.
If only it were that simple!

Still, the OP has outed them as a wife now...

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 23:13

There is Dadsnet BTW. It's tumbleweed over there.

rootypig · 01/05/2015 23:14

The singular they has been around for a very long time. Literally forever.

Joking, joking! Grin

Er but no, a long long time. And crucially it does not replace a correct usage - there is no ungendered singular pronoun in English.

Here's a more erudite discussion for you Jane, starts on page 210, though for the life of me I can't get a link that will take you to it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 23:14

I was being a leeeetle bit facetious Sorcha Grin

munchkinmaster · 01/05/2015 23:23

My dh covers all the mandatory stuff.

My income is "extra" as I drift in and out of contracts, mat leave etc,

My pay is still shared and tends to go on savings and luxuries like holidays.

Variousrandomthings · 01/05/2015 23:25

You need to change you're financial arrangement so that you both have exactly the same amount of money to fritter away. That means pooling everything, then both taking 300 out.

tanukiton · 01/05/2015 23:25

ok does she know that you are unhappy about the set up?
You guys should have the same amount of disposable income. So all the money in sundries saving plan out split the disposable.

IrmaGuard · 01/05/2015 23:27

Was the coyness deliberate?

DressedUpJustLikeEdie · 01/05/2015 23:32

Ah, ok so you were not using 'they' to describe a lesbian partner, but because you didn't want to seem like a husband moaning about a parasitic wife. To be fair, men who moan about women often get very short shrift on here even if they are entirely justified in their complaint.

I have been a SAHM for 20 years, long after I could have and probably should have returned to work in the eyes of most people, but our set up has always suited my DH just as much as it has suited me, he gets to pay for everything of course as I have no income, and I get to spend what I like when I like, (within reason) just because I want to. But if I had an income, no matter how small, it would just go into the pot.

The thing is, your wife does have quite a healthy income by the sounds of things, but I don't understand why her earnings are treated like pocket money, unless there is an arrangement that you will pay all the bills but that you will not give her her access to any of your disposable income and that she must fund her own personal wants and needs, and pay for any incidentals that the children need as well.

It's all very complicated, isn't it? I don't understand life partners (especially those who have children together) who keep completely separate finances and then have very awkward arrangements where one person pays for certain things and the other person pays for something else, or where there is a 50:50 split which is a struggle for the partner on the lower income. It just doesn't feel like how a marriage or a life partnership should be, to me.

TrollshaveLittleWillies · 01/05/2015 23:36

It seems very unfair. Is there a reason that you haven't yet addressed this with your OH?

Btw did your OH ask for the watch or did you give it as a suprise present? My DH and I often give gifts of very different values. If he spent £500 on me I wouldn't feel I had to spend the same on him. (Or the other way around)

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 23:38

I was being a leeeetle bit facetious Sorcha
Oh gosh, well that's absolutely ok then! After all, it's not like this kind of thing actually matters to any real people!

Original poster
jfh · 01/05/2015 23:39

We've talked often about having a proper pooling of income, but she's always been very resistant. Looking at it from a pure money perspective, she's not going to be gaining anything, and in fact she will lose a chunk of her financial independence. The latter is, of course, illusory...

The debate about our financial arrangement isn't where I started off. I'd like to have thought that my OH would have had the decency to be as generous to me as she is to herself and our children, given that she has complete freedom to spend her income as she wishes. But sadly that's where this will end up....if she doesn't want to treat me, we'll just have to re-write the rule book so I can do so myself. Pretty sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
jfh · 01/05/2015 23:45

BTW the watch was asked for.

The coyness was deliberate, but for no other reason than not being a mum. Was not a gender attitudes experiment!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 01/05/2015 23:48

Hmm. Who pays for the children's clothing, in general? And their toys/books/haircuts, and gifts for them to take to other children's birthday parties, etc? Children need a lot of clothes because they grow out of things, as well as losing or trashing them.
Also: two cookery books for someone who doesn't cook is a strange present. I wonder if it might have been meant as a hint or an insult. If you don't cook, what household work do you do?
It sounds like there is a certain amount of tension and unhappiness in your marriage, but it may not be just to do with money.

Original poster
jfh · 01/05/2015 23:59

I pay for the basic clothing, school uniforms, shoes (lorks, that always hurts), coats, and posh stuff for the occasional family do. My OH chooses to buy quite a bit of other very nice clothes for them as well...quite a bit of vicarious shopping going on. She buys a lot of books for them, and quite a few toys. I buy the gifts for the seemingly unending round of parties.

She does very little cooking on a regular basis. I make more food for her than the other way around, by some margin. Perhaps the hint is for better cooling, not more of it? Wink

We have a cleaner every other week and an au pair (both of whom I pay for). We know how lucky we are.

OP posts:
TrollshaveLittleWillies · 02/05/2015 00:04

Aha, now we know you are a man we can interigate you on household chores Hmm MN is so predictable sometimes. A woman would not get asked that question.

OP, I'd suggest that you ask your OH to sit down with you and go through all your finances. It's wouldn't be a bad idea even if there were no obvious problems. Collate all the info you have on your finances and let the facts speak for themselves. The aim should be that you end up with equal 'spends' at the end of the month. If it was me I would make notes of 'the meeting' and of what is agreed.

I'd deal with the present issue by being a bit more proactive and a little less shy to discuss it. Why don't you tell her how you feel?

Are the kids both of yours?

Original poster
jfh · 02/05/2015 00:16

Kids are both ours. She knows how I feel. Have been through it all quite a few times. Singular inability of her to grasp the concept of budget (typical conversation would involve me being told that the allowance for x was grossly inadequate, I'd ask from where else should we take the money, no response...repeat ad infinitum).

We once agreed that she'd be given a pot of money each money to manage herself. That didn't work - when she burned through that she went back to the household account for more. Bit of a dismal failure, that one.

Of course, this would be alien if you had lots of excess income....

OP posts: