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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel completely undervalued/insulted by a massive disparity in gifts

120 replies

jfh · 01/05/2015 22:04

I'm the main breadwinner in our house. I'm lucky to earn a decent wage, but very little of it is disposable after all the usual stuff and then some - bills, pension, life insurance, groceries, cars, food, kids clubs, and not to mention school fees. To be honest, I'm hardly left with anything at all to spend on myself.

My OH has a independent source of income, nowhere near as big as mine. We agreed early on in our relationship that I would cover all of the 'mandatory' stuff, leaving them to earn whatever they liked and spend it however they liked.

My OH is very generous with our children, and spends an awful lot on them. Far more than I am able. My OH also spends a lot on themselves...shoes, bags etc....not cheap stuff either (we're talking more than one Mulberry here).

I recently bought my OH an Apple Watch for a combined birthday and anniversary present. They we're delighted with it and I was happy that they were happy. They also decided they wanted to buy a very nice extra strap for themselves...way out of my price range, and not far off the cost of the watch itself. But, hey, it's their money.

I got nothing in return until three weeks later when I had to fairly bluntly remind them that I was still waiting for my anniversary gift. I was presented with two cook books. To be fair, they were hardback and all that, £40 in total.... I don't have much time to cook when I get home from work (the only person who makes me meals is the au pair!), so I doubt I'll be getting much use out of them. Certainly much less use than my OH will get out of the £1000 food processor they've bought for their use only.

AIBU to be grossly insulted? I'm not a materialistic person, but this feels like a total slap in the face. It's not even the price of a tank of petrol (BTW which I also pay for!!).

OP posts:

Wellthatsit · 02/05/2015 09:01

OP, your wife is being selfish. My DH and I have always earned different amounts (sometimes he earned more, sometimes I did), and when we were younger (pre-kids) just put a percentage of our wages, based on what we earned, into a joint account, then what was left was our spending money.

But we have been together for 25+ years now, and don't bother any more. Everything just goes into one big pot and we spend what we want. If someone wants to buy something big, we will discuss it first, to see if its reasonable and/or affordable. We very, very rarely argue about money, even though we have had periods in our life of not having very much.
We are lucky in that our attitudes to money are very similar.

I think your DW Is using you as a cash cow. And you are right to focus on the present buying, as it shines a light on this, I am afraid. Your attitude to money is to be generous, which should be a recipe for a good marriage. Her attitude is to be generous, too - but I to herself, not to others. She enjoys shopping and probably buys stuff for your DC's to get her fix (I.e. its not generosity). I don't k ow how relevant all this is to her feelings towards you, but the cookbooks gift does sounds rather lazy and the fact it was late shows you are not her priority.

PastPerfect · 02/05/2015 09:05

Is it possible your wife simply doesn't understand how little you have left for yourself?

Presumably if you don't have a joint account all she sees is you funding a nice lifestyle and buying her extravagant gifts. In her shoes it would not occur to me that you didn't have spare cash because otherwise why on earth are you finding an au pair, school fees etc.

AlternativeTentacles · 02/05/2015 09:10

Is it possible your wife simply doesn't understand how little you have left for yourself?

It can't be that little if he bought her an Apple watch!

whatlifestylechoice · 02/05/2015 09:15

Your OH is taking the piss.

I'm the main breadwinner in our house, and my DP only brings in money sporadically, which is fine. However, if he only spent that money on himself, rather than it going into the household pot, I'd be very unimpressed.
You need to have words and spell things out very clearly to her, OP. If she still refuses to share, then you've got another huge issue to deal with.

PastPerfect · 02/05/2015 09:22

Well exactly tentacles

The OP is bemoaning having no money of his own, but is clearly not on breadline so it's a slightly strange situation.

OP what would you have liked as a gift? I ask because my DH is a fussy sod incredibly particular about what he likes and has expensive tastes so unless I'm 100% sure that he will love something I often by token gifts and let him get on with buying what he really wants

Jackieharris · 02/05/2015 09:28

Is this thread trying to win the prize for the most first world problem ever?

Littlemonstersrule · 02/05/2015 09:59

Why did you agree to cover all the bills? That's where you went wrong.

Work out the cost, open a joint account and both pay in 50/59 to cover them, whatever you each have left over is spending money.

If a partner won't assist with bills, they have no respect for the other person.

SanityClause · 02/05/2015 10:06

I don't think you can turn this into a gender neutral problem, because we don't live in a gender neutral world (if only!).

You and your wife agreed that she would be a SAHP. She started to earn a little extra money, and you "let her" keep it for herself. No doubt thinking it wouldnt be much, anyway. The way you describe the money conversations you have sound like you are being very patronising. You are treating her like a child.

And she is acting like a child (neither of you come off very well, frankly). In fact, she is acting like a spoilt teenager. She has her pin money from her "little job", and she doesn't see why she should let you have it. She thinks you have lots of money, and doesn't see why she should spend her hard earned cash on you.

You might try counselling to get yourselves out of this parent-child relationship.

I suspect it's more of an old fashioned trophy wife/meal ticket set up, and maybe it's just too broken to fix.

Sorry to be harsh.

yummumto3girls · 02/05/2015 10:24

Agree, you sound like you have a lovely lifestyle but it is totally unfair that she gets to buy what she wants and you have nothing left for yourself. Her refusal to engage in a conversation about money shows that she doesn't care about you, do you actually have a good marriage. The present buying is the glaring example of the lack of care and thought, if she has her own money, what better way of showing someone you love them by putting the effort in to arranging a nice birthday/anniversary and giving thought to the present/treat. I think you need to get tough here and decide what you are getting out of this relationship!

kickassangel · 02/05/2015 10:39

You say that when you do budget and set aside money for certain things, that she burns through it then claims it wasn't enough in the first place. Do either of you actually do some checking to know how much stuff costs before you set aside money? You both appear to have a bit of a vague idea about how much things cost, or buy expensive things then wonder where the money's gone. It also sounds like you think of uniform as essential, but all other clothes as luxury, when in fact kids need lots of clothes which have to be replaced often.

In fact, you sound a little surprised, and even resentful about how much kids cost in general. If your OH perceives you as wealthy, then why shouldn't the kids have nice clothes and fun activities? She pays for the nice clothes so it's no skin off your nose.
You're also being a bit inconsistent about who does cooking. You claim to be too tired to cook, but then say that you cook for her and she never cooks for you. This sounds like you expect to be cooked for tbh.

Off to google food processors. I want to see what a grand buys you.

GlitterBelle · 02/05/2015 11:55

kickassangel - I think the au pair cooks mostly.

blushingbooty · 02/05/2015 12:26

You both need to sit down and work out a budget that works for you both so you have disposal income. YANBU, the gifts are just another symptom of the whole financial problem.

ClumsyNinja · 02/05/2015 12:37

Agree with SanityClause that it sounds like a 'trophy wife' type relationship.

Regardless, the fact she forgot to buy you a present for your anniversary after you bought her the v. expensive watch suggests to me that she doesn't actually care much for you.

I think this is about far more than just the way the finances are split. Maybe you both need some time out from the relationship to work out what's really important to each of you?

NoNameDame · 02/05/2015 14:04

I can almost understand your set up op.

My fch covers all the bills and I have a decent wage, a bit above uk average. My wage goes on my bills phone, car etc and 1 household bill.

My dh pays everything else he always has as he earns about 3 times as much. Difference is I always offer and spoil him with lavish presents as I have a lot of spare money, I try to pay for things myself e.g shopping but he literally transfers money to my bank or put cash in my purse.

Only difference I can see between me and your dw is she seems quite selfish/ ungrateful. I would be taking pains to suggest how looked after she is and suggest you compromise in who pays what. Even if you end up not fully compromising she will hopefully start to understand she is very looked after like I appreciate with my dh

FenellaFellorick · 02/05/2015 14:18

You need to tell her what you find unfair and why and what you feel would be fairer. Ask her how she'd feel if it was the other way round.

daftbesom · 02/05/2015 14:32

I would be more upset about the apparent forgetfulness and the apparent lack of thought that had gone in to the gift, rather than the cost. A gift does not have to cost a lot to be welcome.

It does sound like you might want to renegotiate your finances.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/05/2015 14:58

Ah your a bloke, but the answer is still the same as it would be for a woman. She sounds like a freeloader tbh, you have said that she would not be happy with helping to pay for the expenses, yes of course, nice little set up she has there with you. Of course not. Either you sit down with her, and have a serious talk about the financial issue, tell her exactly what you have said on here. If she is not happy, I would seriously think about the future with someone who does not seem to respect you, and thinks so little of you.

Timetodrive · 02/05/2015 15:21

Again not sure if married, is the family home jointly owned? The only scenario I can imagine where I would be unwilling to contribute on an equal footing is if I had no financial investment. How can people start a family without these conversations first.

JessieMcJessie · 02/05/2015 15:58

timetodrive RTFT- OP says clearly that they are husband and wife.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/05/2015 14:48

Yes, I wonder about the cooking, too. Firstly, the wicked bitch buys a food processor and won't let the nasty man use it. Then the poor hard working man is too tired to cook for himself, but the au pair sometimes cooks for him.
However, he then says he cooks more for his wife than she does for him.
I think there's something here that's not being said, or perhaps not being considered. Possibly the 'trophy wife' suggestion is close to the mark - OP married a pretty, pampered woman rather than a ball-busting career bitch but found out that pampering and indulgence don't necessarily make for a grateful and obedient wife...

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