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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this upset about not having another baby?

90 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 20:59

We have a DS who is 13 months. I have various health problems that made my pregnancy more complicated and when I was pregnant we said that if me and the baby came out of it in good health then we'd count our blessings and have an only child as opposed to risking my health again.

Over the last 6 months though I've had fleeting thoughts about having another baby, not having one now, but sometime in the future and I could envisage it happening and I liked the thought.

Out of me and DH he was always the one who was more determined that we wouldn't have another.

We have just been chatting about remortgaging (we've had a few meetings with a financial advisor) and basically it came out that DH definitely isn't bothered about having another baby and that as far as he's concerned it's not an option.

I know I can't force him but I genuinely, genuinely thought that as the years passed he would start to feel like another baby would be a wonderful addition to our family. He was just so nonchalant about having another baby and he was giving me his reasons for not wanting another and I felt my eyes well up with tears.

It upset me so much to think that I will never be pregnant again or have another child.

My DH said, "I'm happy with what we've got, I'm happy with just one." and although I absolutely adore my DS I feel like a 2nd child would be the icing on the cake.

I dread the day when DS starts asking for a brother or sister, or asking why he hasn't got one Sad

I couldn't look my DH in the eye during the mortgage discussion as I didn't want him to see that I was fighting back tears.

I know I can't force him to want/have another baby and I need to make my peace with that, but I feel so upset about it and upset with him.

I know his wishes trump mine in this situation but it upsets me to think that because of him I'm going to be deprived of something that I actually really want.

I know it's me who has moved the goal posts so I shouldn't complain but I guess a part of me always thought we'd have another so to hear DH say he definitely doesn't want another (and basically say the decision is final) just makes me so sad.

How do other couples cope in this situation? I'm worried about resentment forming.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/05/2015 21:01

Could it be that because of how dangerous the pregnancy was for you and the fact you both said "no more" early on, he is saying no more ever now just to be kind to you and what he thinks you want?

Have you sat down,since the mortgage meeting, and discussed this?

Runnaway · 01/05/2015 21:02

Keep talking and express clearly how you feel.
I really wanted #3. DH did not.
I still often resent him for this and wish I had made my feelings clearer when I had the time/chance. (He has since had a vasectomy)

You must talk this out or resentment will develop. Your feelings are as valid as his. Good luck.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 21:11

We are talking about it now, he knows I would like another but he doesn't.

He's going on and on about being mortgage free by 45 and the lovely things we can do, blah, blah, blah and I feel like leaving the room.

He's so enthusiastic about paying off the mortgage (which we couldn't do if we had a 2nd baby) and I couldn't give a crap. I would rather have another baby than be mortgage free.

OP posts:
Runnaway · 01/05/2015 21:14

He might be scared for you and using the mortgage as the reason instead. It must have been a terrifying time for him.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 21:18

It wasn't actually scary and I was absolutely fine. There was the potential for various complications problems and I had a few little hiccups along the way but generally I was absolutely fine.

He's using the mortgage as an excuse, but more like using as a believable reason rather than saying, "I just don't want one."

OP posts:
museumum · 01/05/2015 21:19

If I thought that having another dc would put my husbands life or health in danger I would NOT agree to it no matter how much he wanted to risk it. I can easily imagine how your dh would feel Sad

Charlotte3333 · 01/05/2015 21:21

I think the pp's are spot on and he's probably terrified of what happened during your labour and pregnancy, and using the mortgage business as a get-out.

He is BU for not talking it through with you or sharing how he feels prior to this, but you need to talk openly and honestly now or it will build up and you'll end up falling out hugely at a later date.

It's a strange feeling, knowing your baby days are over. We have two wonderful DC's, we're incredibly lucky and blessed in so many ways. But I openly admit I'd be thrilled to bits if DH turned about right now and agreed to another. He won't, and I've made my peace with that. It's a joint decision in terms of what is best for not only us but also the DCs. Doesn't stop me feeling a strange sense of loss for the baby I won't have next. Flowers

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 21:22

I'd understand if I had actually suffered in the pregnancy with my health to the point I was a concern or there were grave problems, but there weren't at all.

He keeps saying, "But there could have been serious problems."

Maybe he genuinely is worried and I'm being cynical.

OP posts:
notquiteruralbliss · 01/05/2015 21:26

His wishes do not trump yours. In your position, I would make it clear that you do want another child and make sure he is aware how you feel when he witters on about being mortgage free by 45.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/05/2015 21:28

Don't you have greater responsibility now so your tolerance of risk should be lower?

If DS starts asking for a unicorn you'd tell him no; life is full of things you'd like and can't have.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/05/2015 21:29

I think the wishes of the person who doesn't want a child do trump the wishes Of the person who wants one. Constantly going on about it sounds like a recipe for making everyone unhappy.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 21:30

He's just said that we can have another one as he doesn't want me to resent him. He said it defensively though and in an irritated manner, certainly not in a tone that makes me think he'd be happy to have another baby.

I would never have a baby unless it was 100% wanted by both of us and I really did think that time would come a few years down the line, but I guess not Sad

OP posts:
WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions · 01/05/2015 21:31

Think you need to let him know how the mortgage free type chat upsets you. I can understand why, even if you decide not to have any other DC, it upsets you that DH is trying to sell the 'positives' of something you find very sad and upsetting.

shewept · 01/05/2015 21:32

He is probably thinking what if next time it is a grave problems, when you have a child to think about already. Is he thinking what if it's worse next time.

You can't force him to want another child. So you heavy hope he will change his mind or decide to leave and find someone who does want another. But I don't think you want that.

How old are you both?

shewept · 01/05/2015 21:34

Sorry op I know this is emotional for you.

But at the moment he doesn't want one. So either he tells you he doesn't or he says ok we will have one, even though he doesn't want one.

But you are mad at him either way.

WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions · 01/05/2015 21:36

Kind of know what testing means by advising not to 'go on' about it too much (although I might have phrased that differently).

He shouldn't gloat about all the 'amazing' things you would do with only one child either, but maybe now just isn't the right time to get DH to agree to having another child. I know couples where one partner has said no way to another DC when their OH really wants one. Often, they seem to end up with another DC eventually. Not trying to get your hopes up, but just saying. Maybe if you cool off for a while your DH will have time to think again about it.

Purplepoodle · 01/05/2015 21:38

You answered your question in the first paragraph - you both decided to count your blessings and not risk your health. Logically why would he want to risk your health with another pregnancy. You made a decision together and he's moving forward. To him it's not an option as the risk is too great so why even think about it.

Duckdeamon · 01/05/2015 21:38

I didn't have straightforward pregnancies and have this weird thinking that I have been extremely lucky to get healthy DC and might not be again if tried for another - not "pushing my luck" kind of thinking! Not v rational. Wonder if your H might be thinking that way.

Think it needs talking over thoroughly whatever you decide.

maz210 · 01/05/2015 21:39

I had to reply to this as I felt very similarly about giving up on the idea of a third child due to worsening back problems.

I made the decision that it was more important to preserve my health for a existing children than it was to provide then with a sibling.

It was a tough choice and not one I made lightly. I made the decision gently, decided I would think about it for a year and then see how I felt. My back worsened in that then so it made my choice easier.

Even so, I still felt grief for the children I never had and I think it's important to allow yourself this if you were to make the same choice yourself.

The good news is that it's about two and a half years since I decided it might be best not to have any more children and I don't regret my choice, I feel more and more confident and happy with my decision. Maybe because I took my time over partly?

Best of luck whatever you decide.

BrandNewIggi · 01/05/2015 21:41

Hi OP you have posted about this issue before and my advice then was the same as it is now - ditch him while you're young enough to meet someone else and have a baby with them, your dh does not deserve you and seems half-hearted about your relationship anyway.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 21:43

Thanks everyone for all your advice and rational thinking.

I'm 31 and DH is 32.

Another one of his reasons is that he is "too old" to start again Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 21:45

I definitely don't want to LTB. Having another child isn't more important to me than he is or my little family of 3 Grin

OP posts:
shewept · 01/05/2015 21:48

I had my last baby at 29. I didn't want to start again in my 30s. But i had young babies all of my twenties. And didn't want to have babies all of my 30s too.

Sansarya · 01/05/2015 21:48

Sorry but the age thing is bollocks! Plenty of men and women have children later in life and cope fine. 32 is definitely not old, and as your DS is only 13 months the two of you have plenty of time to have another baby. I wouldn't be writing anything off just yet.

shewept · 01/05/2015 21:50

Have you posted about this before? Is brand correct?